June 19, 2014 — Jay Carney

June 20, 2014 Katt 6 comments

EPISODE NUMBER: 10121 (June 19, 2014)
GUESTS: Jay Carney
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin (“THEICECREAMTRUCK”) | Jay Katsir (Jay the Intern)
SEGMENTS: The Iraq Pack | Thought for Food - Domino’s Smart Slice & Doritos Jacked | “Yo” Smartphone App | Jay Carney | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black Stripped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Red Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Iraq Pack

John Bolton, John McCain, George W. Bush, Paul Wolfowitz and Dick Cheney

I’ve told you about the recent surge of violence in Iraq and how it caught Obama with his Mom-jeans down. But as they say — every brutal terrorist onslaught has a silver lining.

John McCain is right — we had that conflict won in 2009, when we left Iraq a peaceful, smoldering democracy. I believe we have some footage of Baghdad at the height of the surge *Plays clips from ‘My Little Pony’*

It’s especially nice to see the return of the leader of the Iraq Pack: ‘Ol Dead Eyes. He crawled out from under his undisclosed rock to point an icy finger of truth at Barack Obama.

In an op-ed in what many are calling ‘The Wall Street Journal’, Cheney writes:

“Rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many.”

Yes, rarely. Maybe only one other time. Of course, the liberal media went right after him. Especially left-wing loon Megyn Kelly.

“Megyn Kelly: Time and time again history has proven that you got it wrong in Iraq, sir. You said there was no doubt Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. You said we would be greeted as liberators. You said the Iraq insurgency was in the last throws back in 2005. And you said that after our intervention extremists would have to ‘rethink their strategy of Jihad’. Now with almost a trillion dollars spent there, with 4,500 American lives lost there, what do you say to those who say you were so wrong about so much at the expense of so many?”
Dick Cheney: No, I just fundamentally disagree Reagan … Megyn.”

Folks, that was no mistake. As a true conservative, every sentence has to contain at least one ‘Reagan’. And he just fundamentally disagrees with reality.

It takes huevos rancheros to blame the outcome of a war you started on the man who ended it. I’d say those things he’s swinging could be balls of mass destruction, which means we have no choice but to invade Dick Cheney’s sack.

Thought for Food – Domino’s Smart Slice & Doritos Jacked

Folks, when it comes to education there is one crucial thing a child needs: Name brand food products.
You’ve got every subject right there in the vending machine. 3 Musketeers - That’s English class. Bugles - That’s band. And Aquafina - Pretty sure that’s Latin.
But the Michelle Obama health-stapo is now cracking down on the marketing of less-nutritous foods in schools with new rules limiting how much fat, sugar and sodium they contain.

Ingredients which are usually limited only by our imagination.

And folks, this poses a particular threat to Domino’s Pizza, who have outlets in 3,000 schools in 38 states. But they’ve outsmarted the First Lunch Lady, by introducing the the Domino’s Smart Slice, which has 1/3 less fat in the pepperoni, 1/3 less salt in the sauce and cheese with half the fat so that it fits the new health standards.
But don’t worry. These changes don’t sacrifice the usual Domino’s … I wanna say “taste.”
For example, school foods must contain at least 50% whole grain, so 51% of the Smart Slice crust uses a whole wheat flour that is made to look and taste like it’s white flour.
And that sends a great message to our kids. 51% is a passing grade.
Finally, there’s no question that when is comes to snacking, America is #1.
We have the biggest Gulps, we have the slimmest Jims, even our Yuns are the funnest.

But folks, Doritos has just kicked our snacking up a notch with three new mystery flavors identified only by the numbers 404, 855 and 2653.
Finally Doritos is naming chips for the atomic numbers of their active ingredients.
Guess what Nation? If you don’t want to take a chance on these chips, you’re a coward! Because according to the Doritos vice president of marketing:

“There’s nothing as bold as stepping into the unknown, and crunching into an unknown mystery chip.”

Nothing as bold! We’ve crossed oceans!! We put a man on the moon!! We harnessed the power of the atom!! But never have we discovered anything that Americans won’t eat!
Well folks, I for one am up to the challenge of having my taste buds jack-slapped by these chips.
Let’s try some 855 right here. Okay, I’m getting notes of salt then it transitions into a salty flavor before finishing with juuuuust a hint of salt.

You know what? I’m gonna finish that later.

My one quibble is I still know way too much about these chips. For example, they’re Doritos. Who wants to get bogged down by all that information? I’m trying to eat here, not read.
That’s why tonight I’m introducing my own experimentally vague snack product, “Put It In Your Mouth”.

Each bag of “Put It In Your Mouth” is packed with it’s contents. What are those? Eat them and tell us. Tweet what you think you ate and you could win more of whatever that was.
Look for it at your local grocers. Seriously, could you help us look for it? Because some of it has escaped the lab.

“Yo” Smartphone App

We Americans live in an unprecedented era of communication technology. From tablets to smartphones to futuristic glasses that instantly send the message ‘I’m a douche.

There’s a new app that has expanded the possibilities for communication by drastically reducing them!

There’s a new smart phone app, simply called “Yo”. Users connect to each other through the free app and just push one button to send the “Yo” to a conact. So far, 50,000 users have sent about 4 million “Yo’s”.”

Now when I first learned about an app that boils down all your communication into two letters, I expressed myself in one: ‘y.’ But I joined the yo-th movement when I read that the company boasts that it takes 11 taps to send the word ‘yo’ on a rival messaging service compared to just two on their app. That’s a nine-tap difference — taps you could be spending with your children.

“Yo” is also good for business. For instance, an ice cream truck can “Yo” the kids when it’s around the corner. Imagine getting a “Yo” from THEICECREAMTRUCK. And parents can sign up to tell their kids to stay away from anyone with the user name “THEICECREAMTRUCK”.

But why are we limiting this breakthrough to just our phones? I believe we can implement “Yo’s” context based communication philosophy in every day life.

Interview - Jay Carney

Stephen: Are you still working for the White House officially right now?
Jay: I have another 24-hours as White House Press Secretary.
Stephen: So I can still maintain a healthy contempt for you.

Stephen: […] Are there some days where you go out there and say, “I’m going to wing this and try not to cause an internation incident?”
Jay: There is a daner that as you’ve done it for awhile you begin to think you don’t need to actually —
Stephen: I’m kind of the president.