EPISODE NUMBER: 10038 (December 17, 2013)
GUESTS: Garry Trudeau | Alan Cumming | Cyndi Lauper
SEGMENTS: Intro - 12/17/13 | Anti-NSA Ruling & Edward Snowden’s Asylum Bid | Tip/Wag - All-China Edition | “Ted Cruz to the Future” | Sign Off - “Let It Snow”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie
TAPING REPORT: [Link]
VIDEOS: Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Intro - 12/17/13

Tonight, America is losing the space race, but we’re winning the rhyme climb. Then a new way to get kids into the tea party. Have them age 60 years. And my guest Garry Trudeau has a new comedy series about Republican senators living together. It’s like ‘New Girl’, but old men. George Zimmerman is auctioning off an original oil painting for a hundred thousand dollars. A hundred thousand dollars!? Man, this guy is getting away with murder!

Anti-NSA Ruling & Edward Snowden’s Asylum Bid

• ‘Oh, frosty the daiquiri makes me giggle and then fight.’

• I would like nothing more than to chug this carton of Eggnog, while you people watch ‘Santa Clause 2’. [Drinks Eggnog] That is for the sake of argument, not alcoholic.

• How convenient Ed. Just as winter closes in on Moscow, you suddenly have information that can only be leaked to Rio de Janeiro.

• Brazil, do not give this traitor asylum. Instead give it to me. I’ve got two weeks of asylum coming up, and I promise to assist you in investigation NSA surveillance if you grant me refuge at the Hotel Nannai Beach Resort at Pernambuco.

• You will not believe the secrets I will spill after a few nights in one of those Bungalow Super Luxor’s with a private pool and a canopy bed.

Tip/Wag - All-China Edition

• Nation, they say you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover. That is why I read every page of “Hitler Was Right”.

Tip of the Hat: The Chinese Government

“[…] Air quality levels reached 40 times the safe limit recommended by the World Health Organisation.”

• Folks you can see the Great Wall of China from space. But now you can’t even see the Great Wall of China from China.

• In response to this public health crisis, Chinese authorities have taken drastic actions.

“Shanghai’s environment agency announced yesterday that the pollution standards would be loosened in order to lessen the number of alerts being issue.”

• It’s like setting your house on fire, then taking the batteries out of the smoke detector so it doesn’t wake you up.

• The Chinese Government went even farther, folks. Last week China’s government news agency informed the Chinese people that smog is actually good for them with a list of five previously unknown benefits.

• “… first, it has made people more united, because smog is a common enemy everywhere in China.” It promotes “equality because both the rich and the poor have to inhale the same polluted air.” Has made the Chinese more aware of their roles as the “world’s factory”, “more knowledgeable” of pollution, and even “more humorous” because “that sense of humour is a source of strength for defeating the smog.”

• Yes, laughter is the best medicine especially if you can laugh without inhaling. [Ha, ha, ha, … cough, cough … gasp]

Tip of the Hat: Kim Jung Un

• To put that in perspective, there are more posters of Kim Il Sung in North Korea, than America has posters for “Anchorman 2”.

• Kim Jung-Il defied the west by testing nuclear weapons and stealing Elizabeth Taylor’s sunglasses.

• Now some thought Un, would be Un-able to continue his families tyrannical legacy.

“Kim seems to be angry that his uncle disrespected him. […] When Kim was elected Vice Chairman of the Central Military Commission, his uncle [Jang Song Thaek] only clapped “half-heartedly”.

• That is a tragic story, but on the bright side we finally know the sound of one hand clapping. [Argh … thud]

Wag of the Finger: The Moon

• Moon you belong to us! How could you let China soft land on you? Is that what you’re into now? I thought you were into giant leaps and deep impact, or were you just faking it!?

• China doesn’t really love! The only reason they are going to the moon, is because with their pollution it’s the only way to see it now.

“Ted Cruz to the Future”

“Senator Ted Cruz is featured in a new colouring book called ‘US Senator Ted Cruz to the Future’. Really Big Colouring Books says the 24-page ‘Cruz to the Future’ is not an endorsement but an educational tool. The publisher says it is a non-partisan, fact driven view of how Cruz became a US Senator.”

• Yes, a colouring book about Ted Cruz … Is currently the number one book on Amazon’s list of children’s colouring books.

• People who bought the Ted Cruz colouring book also bought a Crayola 64-pack of white crayons. And this colouring book has everything kids love. From tons of fun text, to mentions of “partial-birth abortion”. And this isn’t some partisan glorification of Ted Cruz because the inside cover states:

” … [it is] a fair and objective review on this … real life superhero.”

• So Really Big Colouring Books, great job. I hope you create more Conservative themed kids activities and toys, like ‘Connect Hilary to Benghazi’ and ‘Hungry Hungry Food Stamp Recipients’.

Interview - Garry Trudeau

Stephen: But those guys are Democrats. Why would you create a show that is about Republicans? Did you want to appeal to an even older, whiter audience?
Garry: Well first of all I’ve already done a show about Democrats. I’ve done a show for HBO called ‘Tanner’ some years ago. It was a very interesting time to write about Democrats, because they were in total disarray.
Stephen: So is it easy to write about four Republicans living together? Because the Republicans are so unified now with a clear message for America.

Stephen: Okay, so it’s on Amazon. But how to you indicate this in charades?

Stephen: You know that people who ordered your show [‘Alpha House’], also ordered the Ted Cruz Colouring Book. My understanding it that you can get a package of the two.

Stephen: Are there such things as ratings on Amazon?
Garry: Yes, but it’s all in a black box. You get to know how it’s going, it’s a hit if they say it’s a hit.
Stephen: So you don’t get to know? [Jeff] Beazos just shows up one day and says ‘Give me more!’