January 8, 2013 — Chris Kluwe
EPISODE NUMBER: 9040 (January 8, 2013)
GUESTS: Chris Kluwe
SEGMENTS: Intro - 1/8/13 |Postage Price Hike | Cheating Death - Rage & Blood Transfusions | Bin Laden Film Controversy | Sign Off - VACSA-TERN
STAFF CAMEO: Jay Katsir - “Jay the Intern”
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Navy Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I was watching Bill Cosby’s recent appearance on Jimmy Fallon, and he was saying something to the effect that people over 50 view younger people differently, and don’t understand a lot of stuff that is important to the younger generation. I was reminded of this watching Cheating Death, as Stephen desperately tried to siphon the essence of youth from Jay the Intern. All I can say is, Stephen, I know 50 is around the corner, but you’ve always stayed so hep and current, so please don’t go to the crotchety-old-man-dark-side! Stay with us!
Chris Kluwe was an entertaining guest; he was unflappable with Stephen, and seemed very comfortable with him. He seems like a sweet, nerdy guy who could possibly kill you via punted football. Athletes don’t make for the most talkative guest on the Report, but he did a good job of bridging that gap.
What did you think of the episode? Be sure to comment strong!
Intro - 1/7/13
Tonight! Science finds the key to a long, healthy life. Whatever it is, I bet it tastes great fried.
Controversy over the new Bin Laden film. I knew they shouldn’t have let him do his own singing!
And my guest, Chris Kluwe, is an NFL punter and a gay rights advocate. Wow, that’s pretty brave for an NFL player to admit he’s a punter.
Jimmy Kimmel starts his new 11:35 time slot tonight. But since he’s my direct competition, I refuse to mention him. This is The Colbert Report!
Postage Price Hike
“Let me get this straight, Post Office. I put a letter like this in a metal box on any street corner in the nation, say, Miami, and within a couple days it’s delivered to Seattle, Washington, and for that you want forty six cents! What…am I made of cents?”
Cheating Death - Rage & Blood Transfusions
“Prescott: See what everyone’s suing about.
Folks, we are all searching for the secret to longevity. But me, I’m not worried, because according to my medical history, I have been alive every day of my life. So…project that forward, I will never die, okay, that’s math.
Introducing: Vacsa-ternity, a wonder pill that will add years to your life in a single dose.”
“Open up! Give me my pills!
Side effects of Vacsa-ternity include: abdominal foosball, elbow baggins, and the humpty-hump.”
“Vacas-tern. Here’s how it works: just find the pre-installed spigot on the intern’s back.”
“Man has long searched for the Fountain of Youth. We’ve tried it all: potions, plastic surgery, watching Benjamin Button while standing next to a microwave. It’s gotta do something.”
“Apparently absorbing the blood of the young can reverse the effects of aging. which is great news, otherwise I would have to resort to something disturbing, like exercise.”
Bin Laden Film Controversy
“Okay, subject closed. Though not the subject they’re asking about. Which is did the CIA feed Bigelow false information to justify the CIA’s torture program as effective when it is not? That is a “knotty subject” that I am not sure the Senate is prepared to investigate. The only way to know the truth, is for Kathryn Bigelow to make a movie about Kathryn Bigelow making this movie, and then make sure that the CIA feeds her information that the information the CIA previously gave her was true. Now I know that logic may seem tortured, but we know torture works. I saw it in a movie!”
Interview - Chrise Kluwe
Chris Kluwe: The reason I wrote the letter is that as an elected official, Delegate Burns does not have the right to stifle someone else’s free speech, that’s the First Amendment. When he wrote a letter saying “Stifle this man’s free speech,” it sort of irked me as an American, and it segwayed quite nicely into the same-sex marriage issue, because I firmly believe that people are people, and deserve to treated the same as everyone else.
Sign Off - VACSA-TERN