September 6, 2011 — Tim Pawlenty

EPISODE NUMBER: 7111 (September 6, 2011)
GUESTS: Governor Tim Pawlenty
SEGMENTS: Michele Bachmann’s Natural Disaster Metaphor | The Word - Happy Endings | Cheating Death - Placebocisers and Vaxamalgam
SUIT REPORT: Black Pinstriped Suit | White Shirt | Gray / Light Blue Striped tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A great return to shows brings a refreshing take down of Michele Bachmann, highlights of the Earthicane, and some profound quasi-nihilistic philosophy during The Word. But what does it matter? We’re all going to die one day.

I thought that the Cheating Death segment was going to be put on permanent hiatus, due to the legal issues rumbling about from Vaxa International that were alluded to last time we saw this segment. But apparently, that is all water under the Swedish bridge now, because there was no re-spelling or renaming of Prescott Pharmaceuticals proud Vaxa-line.

I was expecting a little more spark (and not coming from any orifices) from Tim Pawlenty, but he was as flat and placid as his now defunct presidential campaign. He gave up because he didn’t raise enough money? Who would want a President who gave up so easily when she or he experienced some mild difficulty? No wonder some of our Minnesotan Hubsters were less than effusive in their praise of their former Gov.

Enjoy some quotes and caps from this episode, and feel free to share your impressions in the comments. You may wonder why I write the quotes out-it is kind of a tribute to the way DB and NFZ used to do their episode guides, but also, I like to highlight the great writing that comprises this fantastic show. So do enjoy.

We will take that as a compliment.

QuotZ:

• I ‘ve been on break for two weeks, and while I was gone the East Coast struck hit by an earthquake and a hurricane. One more natural disaster and we get a free blizzard.
• If you’re watching and your gay, I want you to wake up your partner; I want Rafael to hear to this too.
• I wasn’t stateside when this went down, I was in New Zealand. It is the only place to get Maori warrior fur covered crotch flaps at a reasonable price. My old ones are all worn out.
• So when I heard that [God] had hit the Mid-Alantic states with both a hurricane and and earthquake, I naturally thought, how gay did the gays gay it this time? Is Washington D.C. now AC/DC?
• Did Lincoln give Jefferson a reach-around? Did Lady Liberty join a softball league?
• Well, it turns out, it wasn’t caused by the gays, and I sincerely apologize for the insensitive things I just said about them.
• Yes, hurricanes have that hole in the middle because they are God’s megaphone he uses so that politicians can hear the American people over his earlier earthquake, which I believe is God’s sub-woofer.
• Well of course, the blame-screen screamia.
• Okay, metaphor. In this Metaphor, God represents the American people, politicians represent themselves, and the hurricane represents the earthquake, ok? And Bachmann herself is a a simile, because she is “like” or “as” someone who makes sense.
• I am not talking about the “Happy Ending” that show up on your credit card bill as “Shipping and Handling.”
• That’s why I always read the end of a book first. That way, I can sit back, put my feet up on the book, and enjoy some TV. [Of Mice and Two-and-a-Half Men.]
• Because I know this sentence is going to end with applause, I can savor all the words leading up to the greatest audience in the world. [You are all whores.]
• For those of you who have not seen them, allow me to maximize the enjoyment of the following movies: Rosebud is a sled, Bruce Willis is dead, Ed Norton is Brad Pitt, it was Earth all along, Soylent Green is People, she’s got a dong, Darth Vader is Luke’s father, Leah is his sister, and C3PO isn’t’ fooling anyone. [Gold Lame Codpiece? Please.]
• So get ready for the granddaddy of all spoilers: you die. Did I just turn that frown upside down? [Mortician can fix that.]
• And if you a parent, and your kids are driving you nuts, draining your energy and your bank account, and take forever to put their shoes on, here’s the twist: they leave you. [And roll their eyes when you call.]
• Everything ends- the job you hate, the money you owe, tiny pork pie hats, planking, your second mortgage, the national debt, summer. [Unless Republicans Filibuster Autumn.]
• Scientists say all energy will bleed from the universe, and existence as we know it will cease. [Though Beach Boys Will Continue to Tour.]
• Eventually, even this show will be canceled. [Here we come, TBS!]
• It’s true. It’s the reason I now know Green Lantern is really about the 12 dollars I’ll never get back. [Even power ring couldn’t generate plot.]
• So since we have two options, we can either worry or enjoy the show.
• And that’s The Word-although I bet you saw that coming.
• I’m a faith healer. If you are coming to me for medical advice, I recommend you start praying.
• From the thigh master to the bow flex, you burn a lot of calories shoving that stuff under your bed.
• Put some sketchers on those things, Fattie!
• I want shoes to shape my ass, an adjustable bed to force my body into the shape of a crunch, and burritos big enough to use as dumbells.
• Like I am going to trust the American Council on Exercise. Have you seen Americans? They don’t know exercise.
• Everyone knows, the more prescription drugs cost, the better they work.
• No way. If have a brand-name affliction, I want a name brand cure. Lou Gehrig didn’t go to the trouble of endorsing his disease, so it could be treated with some cheap, generic knock-off.
• Remember our motto, Pres-scott, not charges.


I love how he gets a kick out of those skeleton graphics.

Interview QuotZ:

Colbert: Why did you drop out after Ames?
Pawlenty: I was out of money, and I came in third place after Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann. I think that is more for any one person to endure.

Colbert: Did you think about learning to juggle?
Pawlenty: I thought about shooting sparks out my butt.
Colbert: I would vote for that! Now let me ask you something, when you were running for President, would you have actually given me that answer?