EPISODE NUMBER: 10131 (July 22, 2014)
GUESTS: Julia Ioffe
SPECIAL GUESTS: Tim Meadows (P.K. Winsome)
SEGMENTS: Steve Pearce’s Fact-Finding Mission in Central America | Rising Calls for Obama’s Impeachment | Rising Calls for Obama’s Impeachment - P.K. Winsome | Rory McIlroy and Caroline Wozniacki’s Post-Breakup Triumph | Julia Ioffe | Sign Off - P.K. Winsome
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Navy/Red Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Steve Pearce’s Fact-Finding Mission in Central America
- Thousands of Central American children are pouring over our boarder. And the president is doing absolutely nothing to stop it and it’s no wonder. All that running and jumping onto trains and over fences. I’m pretty sure it’s part of the First Lady’s Let’s Move Campaign.
- According to Congressman Steve Pearce “…most immigrants from Central America who are crossing illegally into the United States are driven by economic reasons, not fear of physical danger in their homeland…”
- That is a welcomed relief. I mean, these kids aren’t worried about violence, only about starvation.
- Folks, you know you can trust Pearce’s findings, cause he cultivated an intimate understanding of the region during a visit to Guatemala and Honduras over the course of the weekend.
It’s really all you need. I learned all about the desert by spending a weekend at Burning Man. Turns out, the desert is full of drugs and impractical bicycles.
- And Congressman Pearce found no evidence of danger anywhere he looked, which it turns out was mainly around the hotel lobby. As “Pearce said he and the rest of the House delegation…did not venture from their hotel very often because of the dangers…”
- Bottom line, these immigrant children are not refugees. They’re just parasites looking for jobs. And if I were them, I would try to get one at that hotel, because apparently it is the only safe place in town.
Rising Calls for Obama’s Impeachment
- Nation, if you’re anything like me, you get all your news from me.
- And I recently learned a bombshell from myself. You see, I was catching up on old episodes of The Daily Show when I came across something that really caught me with my pants down. And yes, that’s how I watch The Daily Show. It’s that good. And this segment blew my pants back on!
Stephen: “Jon, this is gonna come as something as a shock to you.”
Jon: “You’re ending your show.”
Stephen: “Jon, please. I’m ending my show. I have to, Jon. Don’t beg me to stay.”
Jon: “Alright.”
Stephen: “You see, there is no mountain left for me to climb. It’s become clear to me that I’ve won television.”
Me, sitting here writing this: “Where’s the Kleenex?”
- The time is right. As I said, I won television. Just in time for it to turn into Netflix.
- I have but one regret. Barack Obama will outlast me in office.
- Thankfully, there is one last hope for stopping him.
“Calls for President Obama’s impeachment are increasing.” “Some prominent outside conservative voices have called for President Obama to be impeached.”
Sarah Palin: “Impeachment is an issue that has to be sent to our president that we’re not gonna put up with this lawlessness.”
- And you can trust Sarah Palin on impeachment, because she is an expert in leaving office in the middle of a term.
- And I have no doubt that all of my fellow conservatives stand with Sarah.
Reporter: “What’s your response to Governor Palin?”
John Boehner: “I disagree.”
Senator Tom Coburn: “I think Sarah Palin is wrong. Look, this isn’t the time to go into this exercise.”
Rep. Bob Goodlatte: “We are not working on or drawing up articles of impeachment.”
- But I want to impeachment him now.
- Impeachment is a money maker. Just look at former congressman and actor playing a gray haired man in community theater, Allan West.
- In a recent email to supporters West wrote, “Today, Sarah Palin joined tens of thousands of conservatives when she called for the impeachment of Barack Obama.” “In light of this growing movement…I’ve decided to reopen the Guardian Fund’s impeachment survey for a limited time…” “Will you make a contribution of $5 or more right away, so that we can get this survey into the hands of as many conservatives as possible?”
- For anyone keeping score, it’s not just the GOP. Democrats are also using impeachment talks to gin up donations.
Rising Calls for Obama’s Impeachment - P.K. Winsome
Stephen: P.K., let’s get to the heat of the meat. Do you believe we should impeach President Obama?
P.K.: Well, Stephen, that’s a very serious subject. Which is why I created this survey. Impeachment: A Very Serious Subject?
P.K.: For $5 I will send this survey to your home, so that together we can find out just how serious you think impeachment is.
Stephen: What a great cause. P.K., where does the money go?
P.K.: Every cent goes directly to the P.K. Winsome Action Shield Trust Network, which uses those $5 donations to send out a second survey asking for $10 donations.
Rory McIlroy and Caroline Wozniacki’s Post-Breakup Triumph
- I am an enormous fan of power couples, like Brangelina, Kimye and Filliam H. Muffman.
- Unfortunately the world recently lost superstar athlete couple, Rory McIlroy and Caroline Wozniacki.
- He’s a professional golfer. She’s a professional tennis player.
- And as sad as the break-up is, fortunately each of them as moved on to the sixth stage of grief: winning an international sports tournament.
- On Sunday, Wozniacki won the Istanbul Cup and McIlroy won the British Open.
In fact McIlroy was so excited that he was seen making out with his new trophy girlfriend - a trophy.
- It makes sense when you think about it. All the biggest accomplishments in human history have been fueled by a bitter break up.
- Who could forget how after watching the first atomic bomb go off, Robert Oppenheimer famously said: “I am become death, destroyer of worlds. Because you destroyed my world, Kimberly.”
- And of course, there were Neil Armstrong’s iconic words from the moon landing: “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind. And one huge f*** you to Sheryl.”
Interview - Julia Ioffe
Stephen: Ok, we are talking a lot these days about The Ukraine. And talking about Russia and that relationship. I know this is a huge story and I know I care about it. Why is it huge and why do I care in ways that I never care about international stories? I can ignore the rest of the world. Why does this got us all gripped?
Julia: People didn’t care about this conflict very much at all. It had come off the front pages for the last couple months and nobody was paying attention to it, until a plane with citizens of like a dozen countries was downed by a missile by these knuckleheads.
Stephen: Is that a technical term? Knuckleheads?
Julia: Russian TV has been telling them that a fascist junta has taken power in Kiev, they’re coming to rape their women and eat their children and burn their land. So, a lot of people are getting really scared and picking up arms and just going to fight.
Stephen: Is that what the evening news is like in Russia? Is there a free press in Russia?
Julia: No, there isn’t. Most of the TV - and most Russians get their news from TV - most of TV is either outright owned by the Kremlin or owned by companies that are loyal to the Kremlin.
Well, I gather the take-home message is that the Report will end in a series of slow, lovely good-byes. We said goodbye to P.K. Winsome last night! *sob* And we learned what PK stands for! I love Tim Meadows so it was great to see him, even if it might be his last appearance on TCR. And Stephen finally acknowledged the show ending on (TCR’s) air, paving the way for such good-byes.
I enjoyed the guest. She had an ironic sense of humor that so suits Stephen. Every time someone knowledgable speaks about Russia, though, I always feel more conflicted than before.
Tip of the Hat!
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I don’t know how I missed it, but what does P.K. stand for?
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Watch after the interview.
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The calls for President Obama’s impeachment are really getting old. So is Sarah Palin’s M.O. When will she just go away? Actually, don’t go Sarah … the satirist need you! At least there are some conservatives that do not agree on impeachment.
I thought it was great that Jon mentioned Stephen on TDS and Stephen mentioned Jon on TCR in the same night!
Tip of the Hat!
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Yes-that’s exactly what I thought! And Jon’s mention of Stephen was so lovely.
As CN Helper said, we’re going to get our goodbyes slowly. This was really the beginning. I expect certain guests will be on once more-Like NdG Tyson. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jon is on the final show-not even just as a cameo but as a real guest for nostalgic farewell interview. Or at least at some point in the last week.
I hope when Stephen moves on he can still have guests like Ioffe-people who are smart and funny and interesting, but don’t have a “rating’s grabber” name.
I didn’t get to see this show until the weekend because I was out on Tuesday and unable to catch up till much later. I realized that the TDS/TCR acknowledgement plus the goodbye was a very special moment. *Choking up a little*
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@CN Helper - I always watch the sign-off, but I didn’t this time. As Stephen would say, “Goddammit!” It was a lovely good-bye to Percy Kittens Windsome!
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I loved the return of PK WInsome! It’s nice to know what his initials stand for; I’d like to think that was improved :D, especially judging from Stephen’s reaction. And the line about the moon landing really made me laugh. It’s good, I guess, that they finally announced the eventual end of the show on the actual show. Like CN said, it gets us ready for slow, fantastic goodbyes. I have a feeling they’re going to be packing in a lot of guests and a lot of fun between here and December!
Tip of the Hat!
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