July 16, 2014 — Bill de Blasio

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 10128 (July 16, 2014)
GUESTS: Bill de Blasio | Joe Quesada
SEGMENTS: Intro – 7/16/14 | Conservative Contempt for Bill de Blasio | Rick Perry’s Makeover – Uncensored | Filling Captain America’s Shoes – Joe Quesada | Bill de Blasio | Sign Off – “Captain America”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Checked White Shirt | Yellow Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Is Stephen going to be The Falcon now? That is some good looking stuff there. I think everyone’s self-esteem would be bolstered if Marvel did a rendering of them as a comic book action hero. Wow, love it.

As Stephen was addressing Rick Perry’s new “metrosexual” look, I couldn’t help but feel (yet another) pang of sadness in knowing we won’t have “Stephen” to cover the 2016 election. I mean, the Republican candidates, though! They are so ridiculous! Hahahaha! *sobs*

Personally, I am not a huge fan of the Big Politician Interviews on TDS or TCR, or the Big Presidential Administration Interviews, because you can tell that the subject is trying to say all the right things and not do any PR damage while on the show. But, all that being said, de Blasio seems to be a breath of fresh air for New York after Bloomberg’s lengthy (and billiionaire-y) reign, so let’s hope he brings about greater equality for all of NYC’s residents. It is a truly magnificent city.

What did you think of the ep? Shout it out in the comments.

Intro – 7/16/14

Tonight, Rick Perry faces criticism from a fellow Texan. Turns out there are some of them he hasn’t executed. Then, big news from the world of comic books. You’re going to want to save tonight’s show in a plastic sleeve. And my guest is the mayor of New York, Bill de Blasio. I’ll ask him if this interview can count as jury duty. A first edition of “Das Kapital” has sold for $40,000. So suck it Marx, the rich win again.

Stephen Colbert with hands on hips

Nice Captain America-esque pose at the top of the show.

Conservative Contempt for Bill de Blasio

Stephen Colbert on New York City mayors

“My most solemn duty is holding our elected officials accountable. And tonight, I have reeled in the biggest fish in the Big Apple. Our mayor. No, Jimmy, not Michael Bloomberg — Bill de Blasio”

  • That’s right! Thanks to Comrade de Blasio, Wall Street is going to leave New York and move to the part of the country where people like them. (pauses, thinks about it) I’ll get back to you on that one.
  • Point is, bottom line, I don’t like this guy. So how did I get him on my show? According to the internet, I bullied him into accepting an invitation to my show on Twitter.
Joe Biden Tinder profile

“I booked the mayor on Twitter. It’s my biggest coup since landing Joe Biden on Tinder. Swipe right! Anyway, the mayor will be on later, and Joe Biden….even later.”

Rick Perry’s Makeover – Uncensored

Stephen Colbert on Republicans

“Meanwhile, Republicans have a buffet of enticing options. You got Curly Fries, you got Beef Patty, you’ve got Mild Salsa, you’ve got Milder Salsa, and of course, leftovers.”

  • “Oops!” of course, is the rallying cry of anyone who donated to [Rick Perry’s] campaign.
  • It became obvious that Perry was on the junk when he asked Newt Gingrich if he could bake the cookies in his hollow tree.
Rick Perrys new glasses

“After two years of agonizing reappraisal, the Governor has completely reinvented himself with a pair of glasses. He can’t lose now. Those make him look smarter, more serious, and…”

  • You heard right, the Governor of Texas swearing off cowboy boots. That’s like the Governor of Colorado turning his bong back into an apple.

Jerry Paterson: I lament that our Governor could now pass for a West Coast metrosexual.

Stephen Colbert in Kiss Army boots

“This is definitely going to be an issue in 2016, folks. Conservatives respect tradition. When a man makes a commitment to boots, it’s a commitment for life. That’s why I am still wearing these babies I got when I was a member of the Kiss Army. I want to rock ‘n roll all night, and visit my chiropractor twice a week, because they are killing me.”

Filling Captain America’s Shoes – Joe Quesada

  • The Iron Nail, currently in his monster form, has launched a plot to frame Captain America by forcing the S.H.I.E.L.D Hellicarrier, Gungnir – to transform into a flying robot and destroy the nation of Nrosvekistan. When Cap tries to stop him, The Iron Nail hits him with flying needles which remove the super serum from Cap’s blood, causing him to lose his super soldier powers and instantly age sixty five years.
Stephen Colbert on Nrosvekistan annexed by Vladmir Putin

“Of course, all of this is just a fantasy, in the real world Nrosvekistan has been annexed by Vladmir Putin. “

  • This is a disaster, nation! With Steve Rogers brought low, there’s a huge void in the captaining of America. Who among us is prepared to step in?
  • Obviously you’d have to be extremely patriotic, you’d have to look decades younger than your actual age … and it should be somebody who already owns Captain America’s actual shield.
  • That’s right, that’s right — the shield has been up there since 2007. I needed it for my battle against Nickelback.
  • I want you to know that I would be proud to wear that letter A, and this time it won’t be because I committed adultery with a 17th-century reverend.

Stephen Colbert as the Falcon

Stephen: If I’m not the next Captain America, who is?
Joe: Sam Wilson, his partner, The Falcon, is becoming the new Captain America.
Stephen: The Falcon? Well if there is one bird associated with America, it is The Falcon. If Falcon is now Captain America isn’t there another void? Don’t we need a new Falcon?
Joe: That’s a great question Stephen, and we really thought about this at Marvel and that opening is available. Just to try it out we commissioned one of our great artists, Kris Anka, to do an image of you as Falcon.
Stephen: I didn’t realise people knew I’d been waxing my chest. I’ve got a great catchphrase for The Falcon. “Why did The Falcon cross the road?”
Joe: Why?
Stephen: “For justice motherf***er”

Interview – Bill de Blasio

Bill de Blasio on The Colbert Report

Bill: I think government can make sure there’s fairness in our society. And I think government can make sure that there is. We can make sure that people have decent wages and benefits, that the middle class gets reestablished. That we have an education system that actually prepares our young people for a future. New York City, in the next two years, we will have free full day Pre-K for every child in this city.

Sign Off – “Captain America”

Stephen Colbert reading Captain America