EPISODE NUMBER: 10029 (December 2, 2013)
GUEST: Daniel Goleman
SEGMENTS: Intro - 12/2/13 | HealthCare.gov Revamp & Presidential Turkey Pardon | Amazon’s Delivery Drones | Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Bullet-Catching Christmas Tree | Sign Off - Eighth Anniversary Portrait
SUIT REPORT: Navy Pinstripe Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Yellow Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, December 2, 2013

We the undersigned hereby demand that President Barack H. Obama, hereafter “POTUS,” fulfill the implied will of the people with regards to the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. POTUS supervised a binding web vote between poultry-Americans “Popcorn” and “Caramel,” promising to spare the life of the winner. Popcorn won the vote, but then POTUS revealed that both turkeys would be allowed to live. Is this the democracy the pilgrims fought and ate dinner for? We think not. Therefore, we the people ask that POTUS summarily execute Caramel at a time and place of his choosing. Justice must be served. Preferably with a side of mashed potatoes and candied yams.

Sign the Petition

AND: We got a new portrait! Check back for more details!

Hey Hubsters, I am still waiting on video clips and stuff to be posted on colbertnation.com [note: now updated], but that doesn’t mean we can’t love up this ep. We had a great post-turkey celebration, replete with the blood thirsty call for “loser turkey” Caramel’s proper execution - be sure to sign the petition! Let’s see what the Obama Administration has to say to the Colbert Nation. Also, good reporting on Amazon’s futuristic drone service. I was definitely having “Taco Copter” flashbacks on that one…anyone else think of that? And Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude is back, baby! Kind of a sad story about the tree taking a bullet when you think about it, could have been a lot more tragic.

No holiday set yet, but we finally got our Year Eight Portrait. Not surprisingly, Stephen is depicted holding his two Emmys. Or rather, I should say, the Report’s two Emmys, for it’s the staff’s collective work that makes the Joy Machine possible, as Stephen referenced.

As a recovering psychology major, I like when the subject of psychology and psychologist guests are on the show. Stephen’s character, being blissfully un-self-aware, is always so skittish around the topic. It’s always a good interview.

What did you guys think? Sound off in the comments.

Intro

• President Obama celebrates Thanksgiving. And just like your Uncle, he spent the whole meal bitching about Obamacare.

• Then a break through in online shopping: you don’t have to order, the NSA knows what you need.

• And my guest, Daniel, Goleman, says that the poor are more caring than the rich. Huh, for some reason, I don’t give a sh*t.

• A new study found that energy drinks can alter your heart function. So red bull gives you wings…. but they might be angel wings.

HealthCare.gov Revamp & Presidential Turkey Pardon

• Still working my way through the [Thanksgiving] leftovers. This morning I used gravy as a moisturizer. Had to, really, my skin was all dried after shaving with those mashed potatoes.

• Of course, Thanksgiving as always, reminded me of what I’m most grateful for: that poor people still can’t get health insurance.

• “Get on the school bus kids, Principal Obama says the bridge is almost 90% complete!”

• I understand why healthcare.gov is screwed! Obama needed his A-team to work on turkeycare dot [let's say gobble gobble]

• [On Turkey Pardon] It’s like “hot or not,” where hot is defined as 375 degrees for 3 hours.

• Boom! Suck it, Caramel! The internet has spoken, and they decided you lose. And since it’s the internet, they’ve also decided that you’re GAAYYY Ron Paul 2012!

• But nation, there’s a dark side to this story of two caged competing to not die. Neither of them died.

• That’s right our Coward-in-Chief wasn’t satisfied pulling out of Iraq and pulling out of Afghanistan, now he’s pulling out of Turkey.

• Elections have consequences, sir! The next thing you’re going to tell me is that the losing Miss America contestants get to live.

• Soon [Obama] could be giving that loser Caramel what he’s got coming to him. Hopefully letting Popcorn watch. He earned it.

Amazon’s Delivery Drones

• If I have to wait until tomorrow for my items to arrive, there goes tonight’s plans to watch “Monday Night Football” while doing backflips on my trampoline.

• …Amazon CEO and Busytown Worm Jeff Bezos…..

• Folks, these Amazon drones are a great idea. And guaranteed to be safe, thanks to all the drone testing we’ve done overseas. I mean, worst case scenario, a couple of homes get carpet-gifted with some collateral generosity.

I want my stuff now, and I know how to get it. So put on your future hat, Jeff Bezos! ‘Cause I’ve cooked up an idea that will bring buying as we know it to a new level. […] Here’s the idea: Amazon locations that customers can walk into, and buy things. And the inventory would be arranged, not as drop down menus, but as rows of physical merchandise that customers can actually touch. And instead of waiting precious minutes for a drone to arrive, they can place their selections in a sort of wheeled basket conveyance. It’s inspired by your web site’s abstract “cart” graphic. Thus, they have the products instantly. I call it “Amazon Live.” […] We can these Spending Habit Opportunity Places, or “S.H.O.P.s”, as I call them, up and running by 2025.

Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Bullet-Catching Christmas Tree

• What an inspiring act of courage. By silently volunteering to be put where the couch had been, the Tree placed itself in the line of fire. And when the shooting began, the tree didn’t hesitate to not move. You know folks, it was just a month away from retiring. Now, authorities say that the tree will recover from the bullet, but not from being chopped at the roots and being dragged indoors.

• But I say, if our Christmas trees are willing to show this kind of bravery, let’s at least make it a fair fight. It’s time to get rid of the onerous government regulation that is preventing trees from having guns. Now inevitably yes, a tree here or there will go crazy and turn its ornaments on the family, but it’s not the gun’s fault. What we need to do is make sure the trees get the mental health treatment they desperately need.

• Besides, no one should get hurt as long as no one breaks into the house in the middle of the night, say, down a chimney.

Interview — Daniel Goleman

• Daniel Goleman: The way to heal a gap between any two groups that don’t understand each other is contact. So for example, when Bill Gates goes to a Third World country, and meets people who have the problems of poverty, what he’s doing is having the kind of time with them and understanding with them that lets him know how best to help them.

• Stephen: You’re not talking about me flying commercial, are you?

Sign Off - Eighth Anniversary Portrait

Nation, I know it’s hard to believe, but we have been on the air for eight years. (audience cheers wildly) Since the Report began, I’ve gotten a few gray hairs, a wrinkle or two, and a crippling Vicoden addiction. Now, loyal viewers know that each year I unveil a portrait of myself standing in front of my previous portraits of myself. It’s a depiction of America, a Me-bius strip, if you will. [...] I’m a month and a half behind [mentioning the anniversary], because in typical guy fashion, I’m always forgetting my anniversary, and, boy, am I going to get it from me when I get home. But don’t worry, the make up sex is worth it.

Folks, I want to thank you all for eight wonderful years, and I want to thank everyone here at the Report. It’s your hard work that makes it possible for me to get all the credit.