EPISODE NUMBER: 9155 (September 26, 2013)
GUEST: Chris Fischer
SPECIAL GUESTS: Bird Bird & Oscar the Grouch (Voice: Carol Spinney)
SEGMENTS: Americone Dream Product Placement | Pointless Counter Pointless - Big Bird vs. Oscar | Time Travel Adventures with Conservatives | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | White Shirt | Light blue spotted tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, September 26, 2013
Spoiler alert, Breaking Bad fans: Vince Gilligan is coming on the show Monday night! And we’ve got a new segment, Pointless Counter Pointless, with special guests from Sesame Street. Lots more after the jump.
Americone Dream Product Placement
Let’s take a look at those Emmys again!
“We’re family now, because I’ve adopted them. Come tax time, I will be claiming them as dependents. “
- In addition to being honored on the Emmys, I was prominently featured on a television show people actually watch.
- My ice cream, Americone Dream, the only ice cream endorsed by sociopathic white supremacists. It DOES keep the vanilla separate from the caramel.
- Before eating my ice cream, Jessic can’t reach the bars of his cage. But after eating my ice cream, he can leap like an eagle. And I’ll tell you where he got that energy.
“Every pint of Americone Dream is made with love. And meth. I had to do something to compete with Jimmy Fallon’s late night smack.”
Pointless Counter Pointless - Big Bird vs. Oscar
- There are some people in this country who complain that our political discourse has become too polarized and overheated. Well, I hope those people get shot.
“I am so excited about the return of CNN’s ‘Crossfire’, which, back in the 80s, practically invented people yelling incoherently at each other.”
- I love watching people fly off the handle. That’s why my favorite show is the return desk at Best Buy. It’s exciting. You don’t know what’s going to happen.
- Until the revamped Crossfire appeared earlier this month, the only place you could find intractable political shout fests was everywhere else on cable news.
- Even the tag line is arguing with itself!
- I want in on this new era of bickertainment. So tonight, I’m introducing the triumphant return of my previously nonexistent debate segment: Pointer Counter Pointless.
- Now folks, I can’t participate as a debater, because I have a rare medical condition in which I am never wrong. So, in this segment, I’ll be serving as the debate moderator, making sure things don’t get too moderate. But I assure you feathers are going to fly, because I have found two adversaries who appeal to a young demographic.
Big Bird & Oscar the Grouch Debate the Letter “S”
- Big Bird: I love the letter “S”….and Stephen, your name starts with S.
- Stephen: (writes on hand) Alright, checks out. So Big Bird likes the letter S. But Oscar, tell me, do we still need S?
- Oscar: But Stephen, I like the letter S. So many grouchy words start with S, like smelly, and slimy, stinky, and Sesquipedalianism.
- Oscar: Sesquipedalianism. That’s when people use big words. That’s annoying. And grouches love being annoyed.
- Stephen: The whole idea of this show is disagreement, ok? I need you to argue. [..] You’re supposed to fight. Now c’mon, let’s talk some trash. [..] What am I doing? Stop it Jimmy, cut the music. I want you to be enraged. Now let’s make the next subject, anger. Get angry, go!
- Big Bird: But I’m not angry.
- Stephen: Oscar, surely you’re angry.
- Oscar: No, no I’m grouchy. A subtle, but important emotional distinction.
- Stephen: Well, I’m angry! I’m angry that you two aren’t angry!
- Oscar: Well, that’s silly. You need help.
“I don’t want to calm down! I just want to have a debate show like everybody else where they yell and scream!! This is the worse debate show ever!!!”
Time Travel Adventures with Conservatives
- I buy everything put out by [Rush Limbaugh's] media empire. His books, his T-shirts, even his excellence in broadcasting executive office chair. It has the perfect swivel action you need when you’re mocking Michael J. Fox’ Parkinsons.
- Yes, Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims. And you know they’re brave, because they’re willing to put themselves between Rush and a roasted turkey.
- And this isn’t just some self-aggrandizing vanity project. I mean, just look at the front cover. It’s almost 40% not his head.
- Rush Revere is a modern day middle school teacher who dresses like Paul Revere, rides a talking, time traveling horse, and, this is very important, is not an oxy-contin hallucination.
- It’s the greatest corporate children’s lit tie-in since “One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Radioshack.”
- Good luck finding a history book that teaches how Reagan saved America from disco stabbers.
- It’s no accident that all of these conservatives are using time travel to teach our kids. It’s the best way to fight back against the liberal version of history, or as it’s sometimes known, history.
Stephen’s go at a children’s conservative lit book: Stephen-tsy Ross Sews the Flag of History
And that's the Word!