EPISODE NUMBER: 9097 (May 6, 2013)
GUESTS: Robert Caro
SEGMENTS: cOlbert’s Book Club - “The Great Gatsby” | Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious - Bullet Conspiracy Theory | Tip/Wag - Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn & Stoner Dogs | Sign Off - South Carolina Special Election
SUIT REPORT: Navy suit | White Shirt | Red, black, & blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Monday, May 6, 2013

We got a new segment too, how exciting: “Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious - Bullet Conspiracy Theory”

The Batsh*t segment is promising to be a big hit, if tonight’s issue was any indication. The fangirls didn’t like it when he pointed (Sweetness’ cousin? I want to say) at his temple. Don’t even joke about that Stephen, whether DHS is coming for our guns or no!

Also, Robert Caro was a great guest. He is like the Doris Kearns Goodwin of Lyndon Johnson. I guess every President needs a biographer obsessed with telling their story. I’ll stick with covering my TV personality.

What did you think of the ep, Hubsters? Comment strong.cOlbert’s Book Club - “The Great Gatsby”

• [The Great Gatsby] is clearly a towering pillar of western literature because it is now a 3-D movie.

• Like all book clubs, we’ll open a bottle of Chardonnay, talk broadly about themes, then launch into a heated discussion about the neighbor who leaves his trash bin out on the curb four days after pick up! You’re already out there to get the mail, Alan, how hard is it to just bring it back in?! Seriously.

• Now sadly someone has already ripped off my idea to rip off Oprah’s idea.

Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious - Bullet Conspiracy Theory

• Yes, the annual NRA meeting in Houston, TX, not to be confused with the daily NRA meeting that is Houston, TX.

• One thing I heard repeatedly while I was down there is that Obama is coming for our guns. Now, I am not one to believe in far-out conspiracy theories. Probably, because the government put a chip in my brain that controls my thoughts.

• But folks, I’ve had my eyes opened to some disturbing truths, that raise troubling questions, like, “what did they know?” “When did they know it?” And “what am I talking about?” Which brings to my new segment exposing vast government conspiracies: Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious

• Now folks, I have wanted to do this segment for a long time, but I haven’t. (suspiciously) Why not? We’ll look into that next time. But tonight’s topic. Are they coming after our guns? No! But they are coming after our bullets.

• 1.6 million rounds? What are [DHS] trying to do? Film a Quentin Tarantino movie?

• Follow me down the rabbit hole, if it really is a rabbit and not a groundhog in a costume!

• The federal government’s suspicious ammo hoarding was first noticed by vigilant online conspiracy forums, before it was picked up by conservative radio hosts, and then eventually made its way to the farthest, fringe elements of our society, Congress.

There is no explanation for this, the government is buying up ammo, so that following up the economic collapse, they can out gun the American people, and they need it. Because right now all they’ve got are tanks, airplanes, helicopters, predator drones, nuclear missiles, and laser canons. But! If I get my hands on a box of shotgun shells…it is go time, Uncle Fattie!

If Obama can’t take our guns, he’ll make sure you can’t put anything in them. After that, he’s going to come after Rush Limbaugh by buying all the hookers and canned frosting.

Out of fear of government hoarding, ammo sales have skyrocketed, making it harder to find ammo, which can only mean that the government is hoarding it, which means we have to buy more ammo before the government gets it all but there’s none left because we bought it. Oh my God it’s too late! The feds already have us outgunned. Well, they’re not going to take me alive (holds gun to head, pulls trigger). Sh*t, I’m out of ammo.

Tip/Wag - Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn & Stoner DogsCatholic Diocese of Brooklyn

• Yes, Jesus was the original hipster. After all, he was into Christianity waaay before it went mainstream.

• I don’t how I didn’t see this sooner, folks. An unemployed 33-year-old who home brews his own water into wine, and thinks he’s God’s gift to humanity. That’s like every other guy in Brooklyn.

• And Jesus was ironic as it gets. When everyone went swimming, Jesus was like “nah, I think I’ll go for a walk.” Even his death was ironic, “Sup, Romans, I was dead for a while, but then I got bored. YOLO.”

• I’m no fan of drugs, folks. They’re immoral. Swallow that heroin without a condom! Family values.

• Oh, there was a vet who had a dog and Bongo was his name-o.

• And so, a wag of my finger at stoner dogs. Folks, we cannot let our dogs ride the Mary Jane train. Or else in no time they will be sleeping all day, eating whatever they find, humping anything that moves. Oh my God, it’s too late! That’s why dogs always freak out when someone comes to the door. They’re scared it’s the cops!

• (to Lassie) Lassie! What happened, girl? Timmy’s fallen down a well?! But you can’t save him because you’re baked out of your gourd? And your friend Skinny Lou is coming over to watch Adult Swim? Bad girl.

Interview

• Stephen: What fascinates you about [Lyndon] Johnson? What does he have to say about our age now?

• Robert Caro: What he has to say is what he says to his advisers[…] as soon as he becomes president, they are saying, […] “don’t fight for civil rights. It’s a lost cause. It’s a noble cause, but it’s a lost cause. Don’t fight for it.” And you what he says? “What the hell is a presidency for then?” And he sets out to pass the Civil Rights Bill, the Voting Rights Bill, Medicare Bill, Education Bill, he changes the country domestically.

• Robert Caro: [on how funding the war in Vietnam defunded Johnson's domestic initiatives] Lyndon Johnson said: “This b*tch of a war is killing the woman I love, The Great Society.