EPISODE NUMBER: 8110 (June 12, 2012)
GUESTS: Will Allen
SEGMENTS: Intro| Mitt Romney’s Blue-Collar Equestrian Pastime| Barack Obama’s Anti-Terror Leaks | Barack Obama’s Jobs Gaffe & Mitt Romney’s Courageous Comeback Operation | Artificial Swedener | Sign Off - Stephen’s Equestrian Display
SUIT REPORT: Black pinstriped suit| White shirt| Navy patterned tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Calling all Cjolbert Nation members from fjord to shining fjord! Help nominate Stephen become Sweden’s guest twitterfeed-haver by:

sending an email to [email protected]

• tweeting #artificialSwedener

The equestrianism evidenced in this ep was truly hilarious. Now we know what you manly guys really get all amped up, sports-wise, about…horse ballet. Particularly set to soundtracks from old Tom Cruise movies.

Will Allen was dope, no? I think what he is doing is amazing. The idea of vertical farms in cities to help provide large populations healthy, fresh produce (that wasn’t trucked in from Guatemala) works on so many levels. And in Vancouver and San Fran, according to Stephen, the possibilities for growing pot would be endless (and vertical-ized!) Be sure to check out Mr. Allen’s website at growingpower.org.

What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments.

Intro

Tonight! Mitt Romney and the common man. Is he the type of guy you would like to sit down and have a vintage Paul Rogier with?

Then-how should countries social media? The same everyone else does: when they’re drunk.

I’ll ask [Will Allen] what varieties of summer squash thrive in bum urine.

Finally, the LA Kings won the Stanley Cup, or Stanley King won the LA Cup. I don’t follow hockey.

Mitt Romney’s Blue-Collar Equestrian Pastime

Nation, we all see the news. Last week’s jobs report was miserable, the economy is not getting any better, our relationship with nuclear Pakistan has never been more tense and Europe is on the verge of collapse. And you know what that means: things are looking up for Mitt Romney.

…as if you don’t know from your equestrian fantasy league. Folks, this is just what Mitt needs. He has had trouble relating to Joe Six-Pack.

Yes, the tall man was not in sport! Neither bounce-ball nor oblong-leather-zeppelin toss.

But folks the image of Romney as privileged princeling ends today, because now Mitt is just your average blue-collar fan of dressage. Of course, that word might sounds highfalutin, but don’t worry, it also goes by the street name “horse ballet.”

Clearly, Mitt envies Rain Man’s ability to connect with people.

So kids, run out and get yourself a $100,000 Hanoverian, piaffe-ing to the soundtrack from Cocktail.

Stephen’s screencap anthology/montage of Dressage Fevah!

“The Official 7th Inning Anthem of Dressage”

Take me out to the horse ring,
Take me out to dressage,
Buy me some jodhpurs and a velvet hat,
I don’t care if the orchestra’s flat,
Let me softly clap for the home horse,
If he don’t win he’ll be glue.
For it’s one, two, botched voltes you’re out,
At the old United States Equestrian Federation
National Dressage Championships
in Gladstone, New Jerseyyyyy!

Barack Obama’s Anti-Terror Leaks

There’s even been rumors of a war going on in Afghanistan. Although I am not sure we should believe that one, I think we should hear something about it on the news.

Yeah, but now the cat’s out of the bag. The terrorists know we have drone strikes. Before this leak, Al Quaeda thought their leaders were just spontaneously exploding from natural causes. Maybe bad hummus.

Barack Obama’s Jobs Gaffe & Mitt Romney’s Courageous Comeback Operation

Doing fine? Tell that to the 20 staffers I just fired to make Obama look bad. By the way guys, I have to talk to a few of you after the show. Not the cameras, or hair.

Well said. Obama is totally out of touch. Romney then flew off in his private jet to watch Rafalca compete in the national dressage championships.

And Romney was just getting luke-warmed up.

Yes, only Romney has the courage to say what we are all thinking: America is being sucked dry by firemen, policemen, and teachers. These big government teat-moochers are so lazy they can’t even take the stairs, some of them slide down poles. Must be nice.

Ask any brain-washed 6 year old what he wants to be when he grows up and it’s always members of public service union.

Kids need to start admiring society’s real heroes: job creators.

What about James and the Giant Year-End Bonus? Or Green Eggs and Howard Weinberg, Senior Vice President of Global Currency at Goldman Sachs?

Have your kids read them, or you might need to read them to your kids. Because if Romney wins, we might be a little low on teachers.

Artificial Swedener

Nation, you know, if you watch this show, when it comes to other countries in the world, I’m against.

That’s right, every week one person speaks for the entire culture. I believe its modeled on the GOP primaries.

Little twitter hint: just because you have 140 characters, doesn’t mean you have to use all of them.

Turns out, an Aryan looking woman asking how to identify jews caused quite “the fuzz.”

But I think this is a great system, folks. I want control of Sweden’s twitter account next. They would be crazy not to give it to me.

Mathematically, I am 100 times more prepared for this, than the entire nation of Sweden.

I hope being picked as Sweden’s official tweeter comes with a phone replacement budget. Thank you, Apple.

I solemnly swear that, I, Stephen Colbert, know what the fuzz is with jews. I’ll explain the whole deal to you guys. It’s really simple.

Maybe throw in a couple of “hernie-schmernies” to make it sound authentic. Get to it, Nation! And let’s make “Operation Artificial Swedener” a success.

For now, as they say in Sweden, we’ll be right back.

Interview

Will Allen: ….and as soon as I touched the soil I knew it was something that I had missed. I had some hidden passion for growing food.
SC: Why are bringing farming back to cities? How can you do that? There’s no place for-it’s barely a place for humans, let alone, like, do you have farm animals on the farms?
WA: Yeah, we do have animals on our farms in Milwaukee. But for practical reasons we have many food deserts inside of major cities- less than 1% of food is locally grown, and we have a lot of people who are suffering from eating really bad food.
****
SC: There are cities that have some open land right now. Detroit (kisses fingers) primo real estate to tear down some buildings and put down some farms. But there is food in cities, food that is very salty and crispy kind of food for you- and it lasts forever. You can’t say that about kohlrabi.
WA: Kohlrabi would be a hard sell.
SC: “Kohlrabi chips” are not going to get the kids on the corner.
****
SC: Did you think that people may have moved to the city and said, “I did not move to the city to have to worry about a goat eating my clothing?”
WA: One of the first things you have to do in this work is engage your community, so what you are doing is looked as an asset.
SC: Do people complain, or do people really like it?
WA: Oh no, they really like it. As a matter of fact, we are building the first of its kind in the world, a vertical farm-
SC: A vertical- what do you mean?
WA: A vertical farm is stacking greenhouses on top of each other to be able to grow. A city like New York, because of the population growth, or cities like Vancouver and San Francisco have to think about growing food in skyscrapers.
SC: Well, in Vancouver and San Francisco they’re just going to be growing weed.

Sign Off - Stephen’s Equestrian Display