July 31, 2014 — Campbell Brown

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 10137 (July 31, 2014)
GUESTS: Campbell Brown
STAFF CAMEO: Jay Katsir (Jay the Intern)
SEGMENTS: Women on American Currency | The Conflict over Covering the Conflict in Gaza | Tip/Wag – Beelzebub & NASA | Campbell Brown | Sign Off – Monitoring System
SUIT REPORT: Dark Stripped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Navy Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, July 31, 2014

Women on American Currency

  • Well, just listen to the latest monetary policy the president is getting from his so-called economic advisors.

President Obama: “Last week a young girl wrote to ask me ‘Why aren’t there any women on our currency?’ And then she gave me like a long list of possible women to put on our dollar bills and quarters and stuff. Which I thought was a pretty good idea.”

  • A pretty good idea? A pretty good idea?! Just look at our money. It took over 200 years for our currency to achieve the perfect balance of dead white guys and secret Illuminati symbols.

Stephen Colbert on the Illuminati

  • And think of the economic consequences here. If we put a woman on the one dollar bill, it will be worth only 77 cents.
  • Plus think about this. I mean, just from a moral point of view, if my wallet is filled with ladies I can’t keep it next to my butt. I’m a married man.
  • And what about when you and your bros are having a guy’s night out? If there is a female face on the money, tucking it into a g-string might somehow feel demeaning to women.
  • Where does Obama expect to fit all these women? Is he going to make new bills?
Sstephen Colbert on women on money

What denomination will it be? 3, 7, shoe?

The Conflict over Covering the Conflict in Gaza

  • Nation, I’ve just been informed that starting tomorrow Israel and Hamas will begin a 72 hour humanitarian cease-fire. Though they have agreed in hour 73 to resume their inhumanity.
  • Of course, there are other victims of this conflict: the news media. With accusations of bias being hurled from all sides, reporters, anchors and pundits are caught in the crossfire.
  • Though, of course, not CNN’s Crossfire. Not even U.N. Inspectors have seen that show.
  • Just listen to some of these serious allegations that the media has a pro-Israel slant.

“Benjamin Netanyahu has been on television so much you would think he was an anchor or a coanchor on some of these shows.” “Look how much air time Netanyahu and his folks have on air on a daily basis. I’ve never seen one Palestinian being interviewed. We’re ridiculous. We are disgustingly biased when it comes to this issue.”

  • Really? I do not see a pro-Israel bias on MSNBC or on CNN’s The Situation Kibbutz.
  • Because God knows charges of bias go both ways. Here is how they say the media’s anti-Israel bias works.

“You see the pictures of the civilian destruction and the civilian casualties. So it’s almost an unfair comparison when you see bodies versus talking heads.” “They are losing this. They only have the face of Benjamin Netanyahu. You can’t compete with dead bodies.”

  • She’s right. Because that’s how war works. We all know whoever has the most dead bodies wins!
  • Thankfully, a group called the International Press Institute has stepped in to end the conflict of overreporting on this conflict. It’s a nonprofit that promotes press freedoms around the world. And it has created a helpful guide to covering the Israeli-Palestinian conflict called Use With Care: A Reporter’s Glossary of Loaded Language.
  • I’ve got the list righ there, all right. This is the actual list. So, I can report on the conflict without using any sensitive trigger words. For instance, the word “trigger.”
  • And to help me do that, I’ve got my intern, Jay. Jay and I have set up a computerized monitoring system to alert me with this very computery red computer light. If I inadvertently use a word that is offensive to one side or the other, it will alert me.

Stephen Colbert on the Crisis in Gaza

Stephen: What was that?
Jay: You’re not supposed to say “disputed areas.” The guide says there is technically a dispute but pro-Palestinians feel that reference to disputed areas legitimizes the Israeli government’s control of them.
Stephen: Okay. Then I will call them “shooty places.” Now to the latest update on the aggression. [RED LIGHT!] Wait! What did I say?
Jay: “Aggression.” Israelis find the word problematic when used to describe military operations.
Stephen: That’s perfectly understandable. Okay, then on to the latest measures. [RED LIGHT!]
Jay: No measures.
Stephen: Right, right, because that implies someone thought before doing something. Okay, okay, how about this. We now turn to the latest actions. [RED LIGHT!] Activity. [RED LIGHT!] Today things occurred…[NO RED LIGHT] Meanwhile, in Jerusalem [RED LIGHT!] It’s the name of a city!!
Jay: But it’s a very disputed area. [RED LIGHT!]
Stephen: Aha!! Not so easy, is it, Jay?! You know what? Just forget this whole thing. The entire situation is f***ing bulls***. [NO RED LIGHT]

Jay the Intern on The Colbert Report

Stephen: Oh, well, great! Well then we’ll have complete coverage of this cluster f*** until they reach a final settlement. [RED LIGHT!] Closure. [RED LIGHT!] Hummus. [RED LIGHT!] Seriously?!

Tip/Wag – Beelzebub & NASA

Stephen Colbert on text messages from Satan in Poland

Wag of the Finger – Beelzebub

  • Nation, I have said it before, you know it — folks, opinions are like a-holes, in that mine is the best. This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger.
  • First up, folks, some scary news out of Poland where a priest claims to be receiving text messages from the devil after performing an exorcism on a Polish girl causing Satan to possess her mobile phone.
  • I got to say Satan using cell phones does make sense, though Satan’s contracts are slightly easier to get out of.
  • I think we’ve all woken up after a night of drinking and found our phone sen some texts that could only be the work of the Prince of Darkness. And I have no idea how he got photos of my groin, Charlene.
  • So I got to give a reluctant wag of my finger to Beelzebub for phoning this one in, come on you are the Prince of Lie, the Incarnations of all Evil, the Sultan of Swat. And this is the best you can do?
  • I know sloth is a deadly sin but possessing a cell phone is just damn lazy. Is possessing someone face-to-face just too much effort for today’s millennial demons?
  • [Projectile vomit clip from “The Exorcist”] What are you going to do, send an emoji for projectile vomit? And then text ROFTMHO for rolling on the floor twisting my head off?
  • But for anyone out there who suspects their smart phone might be in need of text-orcism, do not take it to the genius bar. You will be there for an eternity.

Stephen Colbert on NASA's Mars rover

Tip of the Hat – NASA

  • Next up on Tip / Wag everyone knows NASA has seen better days. The budgets were bigger, the goals were higher, everyone looked like Ed Harris.
  • Well, over the week end, folks, America finally got some good NASA news.

“NASA’s space rover on Mars making some news of its own on Sunday driving 25 miles, setting a new record for the longest off-earth driving distance since it arrived on Mars in 2004.”

  • Which is why I’m giving a tip of the hat to NASA for their feat of off planet road off-roading.
  • That’s quite an achievement, folks. Because as the rover’s project manager said, “Opportunity was only intended to drive about one Kilometer.” So basically about as much as a Chevy Cobalt.
  • But what really has me excited about this new record is the record it broke which had been held by:

“The Soviet Union’s remote controlled Lunokhod 2 rover which covered 24.2 miles on the moon back in 1973.”

  • Which explains why opportunity used its 25 miles of tire tracks to spell out “Suck it, Vlad!”

Campbell Brown

Campbell Brown on The Colbert Report

Stephen: Your most recent project is the partnership for educational justice which filed suit against the state of New York this week challenging teacher tenure in the public schools. Now I’m no fan of unions, but why do you have your guns out for these people. Is it the same reason I am? So they can quit their lavish lifestyle of their 1983 Honda Civics driving around town?
Campbell: First let me correct something you said. We’re not filing the lawsuit. Seven parents in New York City who have kids in public schools are bringing this lawsuit.
Stephen: What is your role, just a butinski?
Campbell: We’re helping them and supporting them.
Stephen: How are you supporting them, giving them money, cash?
Campbell: No, we’re helping them find legal help in order to bring their case.
Stephen: You’re not helping pay for the legal help?
Campbell: The legal help is pro bono.
Stephen: It’s pro bono. I don’t speak Spanish.

Stephen: So you got some people mad at you for this. This doesn’t happen very often, but there were protestors outside of my studio today. What you have done to upset these people?
Campbell: Well, I mean they’re trying to silence the debate. That is a really important debate that we should be having in this country. […] But I want these parents to have a voice in this debate to. And what they’re trying to do is change a public education system in this country that people across the political spectrum believe is in crisis and needs to change.
Stephen: How is it crisis in New York, what is the problem here?
Campbell: So if you look at the student outcomes, in New York, 91% of teachers around the state of New York are rated either effective or highly effective, and yet 31% of our kids are reading, writing and doing math at grade level. How you can argue the status quo is okay with numbers like that?
Stephen: I went to public school in South Carolina and 31% sounds like a majority to me.

Campbell: I am blaming the teacher’s union because they are fighting attempts to change laws that are anachronistic.
Stephen: Again, I don’t —
Campbell: Outdated, antiquated.

Campbell: It comes down to what your priorities are. And if public education is about kids, then every decision we make should be focused on the question of is this good for a child. And that should be the driving focus and the priority, when we decide what our policies and laws should be.
Stephen: They’re going to clap. You’re playing the good for child card.

Campbell: You’re suggesting that it’s all about the money.
Stephen: You’re suggesting it’s about equality and money is one of the equations in equality, or have I just schooled you?