August 3, 2011 — Robert Wittman

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EPISODE NUMBER: 7101 (August 3, 2011)
GUEST: Robert Wittman
SEGMENTS: Multiracial Spider-Man | ThreatDown - Fake States, Sharia Weather & Monopoly | Women’s Health-Nazi Plan | Sign Off - Official Flag Updater
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Yellow tie with little squares
VIDEOS: Wednesday, August 3, 2011

“God said ‘Thou shall have no gods before Me.’ So don’t spoil your appetite with Vishnu Poppers.”

justine marie’s Observation of the Week: Stephen takes very good care of his nails.

"What's that, nerds? You're a bigger fan than I am? Really? Well then, here's a Spidey trivia question. Which issue had you on the cover?"

Threat #3: Fake States! "This shocking revelation comes from 82-year-old John Rolczynski, who noticed a discrepancy while reading the North Dakota state constitution, because that's the most exciting thing to do in North Dakota."

"There are now over 670,000 foreigners massed on our northern South Dakota border, just waiting to stream into real America and take the jobs we don't want to do, like living in North Dakota."

"To denote their non-official status, I have added an asterisk to this star."

No love tonight for North Dakota or Arizona.

Threat #2: Sharia Weather!

Threat #1: Monopoly! "No dice, Hasbro! Literally, they took away the dice. Monopoly is supposed to be a grueling nine-hour marathon that dad always wins because his bedtime is later."

I’m excited to try Monopoly Live. I hope it doesn’t have to buffer.

"So folks, keep this battery-powered menace out of your playrooms until they update it properly: One player is born with a billion dollars and all of the 'Get of Jail Free' cards. He bundles all the good properties like Marvin Gardens and Pacific Avenue with crap properties like Mediterranean and Baltic, then combines them as AAA-rated property swap derivatives that he sells to the other players who lose their life savings and end up turning tricks on the Boardwalk. The game ends when the last player goes broke and has no choice but to join the army and start playing Risk."

On free birth control:

"This is an outrage. A woman's health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband."

"Free birth control will wipe out the American race. That's what wiped out the dinosaurs: a bowl of free condoms. Though, I don't know how the T-Rex got them on."

"Do you ever go into a museum and look at a piece of art and go, 'I could steal that'?"Mr. Wittman: "Actually, I don't look at it that way."

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27 thoughts on “August 3, 2011 — Robert Wittman”

  1. I was at the taping of this episode today! I won’t spoil anything. I just want to say: Watch for Stephen’s hilarious mime of a T-Rex doing something you’ve probably never thought of a T-Rex doing! Fun episode.

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  2. “A woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”
    “It’s clearly hard to imagine anyone having Steve King on purpose.”

    I love this show. God, that was such a brilliant segment. And the T-Rex bit? Holy hilarious! I loved that he needed to shout, “Folks! I’m angry!” afterward to avoid a full-on character break.

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    • “A woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”
      Yes, definitely one the best lines EVER.

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  3. I was hoping that since Stephen was interviewing someone who specialized in retrieving stolen art, he might say something about why his portrait has been covered with a red curtain lately. Then, I noticed it was no longer covered last night, but we didn’t get to really see it. I was thinking Stephen might have said something about his portrait getting stolen and that now it’s been found by Mr. Wittman (in jest, of course). So, have I missed something? Have I not been paying attention? What’s with the portrait?
    Great episode, as always. Stephen absolutely sparkled. And I was thinking of all of you when he did the T-rex bit. I was thinking, “Oh, this is going to go over big at the News Hub!”

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    • Seriously, I was just killing myself laughing at the T.Rex thing, Susan! Stephen was at his most twinkly tonight indeed…

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  4. I think I saw two former zoners/current hubsters on the crawl last night. Mariana 312 and Anais. Am I right?

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    • Yep! I saw Anais and then my name came up during the birth control segment. (Which was absolutely perfect by the way!) Stephen was looking down but at least he was on the screen and not some terrible Fox lady! Anais- there are some good screencap directions in the comments of yesterday’s episode guide.

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      • Thanks for the info, Mariana! But I still seem to be having trouble even though I’m reading the directions. For some reason no clipboard comes up and nothing happens. Maybe it depends on the computer model? I’m not really a computer expert so I don’t know.

        It was really appropriate for my name to appear during the Multi-Racial Spider Man segment since I’M multi-racial! Yay multi-culturalism! And I thought I saw a Mariana pass by, but it didn’t occur to me that it would be a fellow Hubster!

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  5. WOOHOO!! I saw my name on the crawl last night! I’m a hero! When I pause the clip just right, Stephen has the most delicious seductive look on his face! Can anyone tell me how to make a screencap? I will love you forever! I use an HP PC, if that’s helpful.

    Man, I am so far behind in Hubbing it’s not even funny.

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    • You should get Tinygrab. You can cap things beautifully with this program, and you just need to download it. Go to tinygrab.com.

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    • Nice picture with your name, Anais! How did you manage to get just underneath him?
      Oh sure, you French girls are all alike… [*wink*]

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      • What can I say? We “Frenchies” are skilled in the art of seduction. Not even the great Stephen Colbert can resist our charms…;)

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  6. @Anais - Congrats to you and Mariana!! I do have a question though - do you mind if I ask you when you donated? I was wondering so that I might have a tiny idea of when to expect to see my name on the crawl.

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    • No, I don’t mind at all, lockhart43! I donated on July 20th when I realized that Stephen was serious about letting the crawl stay on the show as long as people keep donating. I thought I’d have to wait ages since there are so many PAC members, but 2 weeks is really not bad. I’m kind of glad that I don’t have to choose between watching Stephen and the crawl for my name simultaneously any more, too distracting. Let us know when you see your name! :)

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      • I thought it was strange that I hadn’t seen my name yet, since I donated around the same time as the two of you. So I went back and re-watched some of the episodes last night, and my name totally popped up during this episode!! Yay! It’s around the 3:30 mark during the Women’s Health-Nazi Plan segment/clip. :D

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        • Woohoo! Congrats, lockhart43! :) Yay “Heroes” crawl buddies! Oh, but just think…one day more and all three of us could’ve been on the crawl for Thursday’s show! Imagine being one of the lucky people who can freeze a screencap of their name during what is now considered the greatest character break of all time…but I’ll take seductive-looking Stephen since that’s what I got and it’s just as good!

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