EPISODE NUMBER: 11028 (November 20, 2014)
GUESTS: Jon Stewart
SEGMENTS: Obama’s Executive Amnesty | ThreatDown - Declining Standards of Sexiness, People Who Eat Chocolate & Invaders of the New World | Jon Stewart Pt. 1 | Jon Stewart Pt. 2 | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | Grey Checked Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, November 20, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hubsters, this was an historic episode! It was the first time that Mr. Jon Stewart appeared as a guest on The Report. Stephen and Jon were wonderful together and their mutual admiration shined through. With just 12 episodes left to go, this interview was a true gift to The Colbert Nation.

Obama’s Executive Amnesty

• I want to thank you, folks, for joining us on this, what I believe, is the last day of America. This is it. The day we all feared would come, ever since we were told it would come several months ago, has come at last.
• Because tonight at 8:00pm Mexican Standard Time, Generalissimo Obama announced his unilateral plan to allow four million illegal immigrants to remain in America without fear of deportation.
• It turns out this whole time we’ve been building that wall to keep them in.

• Folks, the President’s speech is at 8:00 tonight. We are taping our show at 7:30, so I don’t know one word of what he’s going to say. But I do know there’s only one way to describe it.

Several news clips are shown with pundits and politicians talking about President Obama’s “Executive Amnesty” for immigrants.

• Oh, regular amnesty isn’t good enough for Barack’s amigos, his muchachos, his compadres?! No!
• He had to give them executive amnesty! They get their own wash room, free wifi and hot towels!
• Folks, my great great grandfather did not come here from Ireland to see this country overrun by immigrants.
• I mean, what happened to checks and balances, Sir? There’s supposed to be three branches of government: Executive, judicial and spiteful inertia. But apparently Obama has just given himself a promotion.

Sean Hannity: “The Emperor in Chief of the United States is going to declare war on the US Constitution.”

• If Obama does not deport the people already here I can only imagine how violent the American people will be when they wake up to see how same things are.

ThreatDown - Declining Standards of Sexiness, People Who Eat Chocolate & Invaders of the New World

• Nation, I’m about to scare you half to death. So whatever you do, don’t watch this twice. This is The ThreatDown!
• First up, long time viewers of The Report know that I am a person. That’s why my favorite magazine is People and each year it shoulders the monumental burden of determining the “Sexiest Man Alive.” It’s a delicate formula that takes into account jawline ruggedness, ab pack quantity - minimum of 6 - and most importantly, aliveness.
• This year People Magazine has sullied it’s reputation as the preeminent supermarket impulse buy.

“People Magazine has named it’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2014 and the honor goes to Australian actor, Chris Hemsworth. He was known to movie fans as the hammer wielding superhero, Thor.”

• Chris Hemsworth? How is he the Sexiest Man Alive?

Threat #3: America’s Declining Standards of Sexiness

• First of all, an Australian? There’s nothing sexy about the Aussies. You can’t see their abs because of the pouch they have in front.
• This isn’t about the title going to Chris Hemsworth. It’s about it not going to Matthew McConaughey.

• This is your last warning, People Magazine. You hang in there Big Mac. I know things look rough now but just keep living and you’ll be “All right, all right, all right.”
• Next up, I consider myself a real chocoholic.

• I don’t care if it’s in the form of syrup, bar, taco or whatever extruded polymer Tootsie is. If it’s chocolate, it goes in the mouth.

“A new report shows people are eating chocolate faster than cocoa farmers can grow their crops.” […] “We’re going to run out of chocolate in five years. It’s going to be a chocolate shortage!”

Threat #2: People Who Eat Chocolate Who Aren’t Me

• This shortage is largely due to the rising popularity of dark chocolate, which contains more cocoa than traditional chocolate bars. Oh yes, dark chocolate. It’s for people who like milk chocolate, but wished it tasted less good.
• Finally, folks, I always loved studying American history, from George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, to Abraham Lincoln chopping down those vampires.

Recep Tayyip Erdogan: “The American continent is said to have been discovered by Columbus in 1492. However 314 years before Columbus in 1178, Muslim sailors reached the American continent. That was in 1178.”

Threat #1: Muslim Invaders Of The New World!

• It saddens me some people want to change the beautiful story of America’s discovery.
• Christians, I was taught, landed on these pristine shores and were welcomed by the Native People. And then we spent the next five centuries carrying out a brutal campaign … Do you know what? Let’s say the Muslims were here first.

Interview - Jon Stewart

My guest is the host of the liberal elitist Daily Show and the executive producer of the Emmy Award winning Colbert Report. Please welcome Jon Stewart!

Stephen: I used to be inside the belly of the beast. I used to work for you. You forgot. I remember things you said behind closed doors and tonight I can reveal that for (the first time in) 15 years I used to be over there with your writers and their opium bongs. How many writers do you have, Jon? 50? How many writers?
Jon: I’m going to say something to you and you know this. Behind closed doors I only quote Rabbinical text. You know that.
Stephen: Now, as a liberal lion, Jon - as the voice of the left - you know more young people get their news from you.
Jon: Most young people. 87% of young people from me. Millenials. And by the way, those who don’t get their news from me - from the show - I will go to their dorm rooms. I go into the dorm rooms and I will give them generally - usually - a synopsis. I am like Santa. I come down the chimney of the liberal dorm room.
Stephen: Run down the big news, “here’s your dime bag” and out you go.
Jon: Exactly right.

Stephen: Last summer you bugged out. You grew a beard and went to Jordan.
Jon: I didn’t even grow a beard. They gave it to me like a lei. They just give it to you.
Stephen: That’s fantastic.
Jon: A gentleman greeted me, he put this on and said, “You are free to part whatever waters you want.”
Stephen: Now this is the story of a man named Maziar Bahari.
Jon: Yes. An Iranian journalist. Lives in London, went to Iran. They arrested him, Stephen, in 2009. This is a story about freedom of expression. And yet also hopeful and optimistic.

As always, The Hub welcomes you to share your thoughts with us. Tell us what you thought about this episode in the comment section!