EPISODE NUMBER: 10145 (August 28, 2014)
GUESTS: JR
STAFF CAMEO: Jay Katsir
SEGMENTS: ISIS Panic | ISIS Panic - Announcing Reagan’s Return | Vapshot Alcohol Vaporizer | JR | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | White Checkered Shirt | Black/Light Blue Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, August 28, 2014

ISIS is one of those scary topics, where, I must admit, I first learned from Stephen. When he was describing how much the soldiers were being paid, I thought, “uh-oh. This can’t be good.” And boy, have we learned about the strength of armed militias. This whole summer was one of violence and bloodshed, and one that needs to be left behind to the loftier ambitions of global diplomacy.

How did you guys like the Orson Wells throwback “radio show”? Jay Katsir was awesome, right? And Stephen looks so good in the ’30s and ’40s style - he just fits right in for some reason.

I also enjoyed the guest, and I liked how they really sparred about this whole topic of war vs. the consequences of war. JR seems like a cool guy to hang out with, and his works are beautiful and provocative. You kind of feel, however, that he might be arrested at any moment. Keep those sunglasses on, brother.

What did you think of the episode? Shout it out in the comments.

ISIS Panic

• It is good to know that the Colbert Nation is standing strong no matter what happens all around the world because, folks, for months, the world has been shocked by the brutal terrorist group ISIS. Don’t be fooled just because they have the same name your lonely aunt gave her cat.

Eric Bolling (Fox News): ISIS is brutal? They are animals -beheadings, crucifixions, mass executions or live burials, enslavement of women. They certainly aren’t the JV Team of Al Quaeda. They’re the Green Bay Packers.

• Yes, they’re the Green Bay Packers, but with beheadings. So, slightly less head trauma than the NFL.

• So who exactly is ISIS? According to [NYT], the group has “quietly built an effective management structure of mostly middle-aged Iraqis. And their leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has been described as “a balding, middle aged man.” In other words, they’re 40-somethings having a mid-life “Isis.”

• You know how it Is! We’ve all seen it. You see your youth slipping away, so you go out and get an exotic new sports tank, and cheat on your wife with one of your other wives. And you try to diet, but you still can’t fit into your high school suicide vest.

• And while ISIS is a relatively new terror group, this conflict has its roots in the Seventh-century Sunni-Shiite split, with Sunni’s following Muhammed’s father-in-law Abubakr, while Shiites follow Muhammed’s son-in-law Ali. So, in other words, this is Obama’s fault.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: “Can I make a special request in the magic land? We get Netanyahu, Putin in for48 hours, head of the United States, I don’t know, just want somebody to get in here and get it done right.”

• And if Newt knows exactly how Jefferson felt, I’m sure he will also write a fictional speech that Jefferson would have given in 1984, when Reagan decided to get our marines the hell out of Lebanon.

ISIS Panic - Announcing Reagan’s Return

• Remember, in 1938, the radio broadcast of War of the Worlds managed to convince thousands of Americans that aliens were attacking. We can do the same thing to ISIS and convince them that Reagan is Back in charge.

(like old timey announcer…) “We interrupt this broadcast of The Colbert Report to bring you special bulletin from the International Radio News. At ten minutes after 11:00, eastern time, a huge flaming object fell on a farm in the neighborhood of Grovers Mill, New jersey. Observers reported that it was, in fact, Ronald Reagan. President Reagan immediately mounted a nearby stallion and began riding toward the White House. (horse-galloping noise) He then dismounted, walking over some dry leaves (crunches) in a thunderstorm, (metal sheet) before getting on a freight train, (train effect) and then Reagan threw open the doors to the White House, (door opening sound) strode to the podium, (shoes) and said, ‘Mwah, see? I’m in charge around here, see? Listen up, ISIS scram, why doncha? Or I’ll give ya the business! Tear down that wall! Daddy wants some jellybeans! Mwah! (laughter) give daddy a kiss, Nancy!’ With ISIS defeated, Reagan stepped down from the podium and Walked off into the setting sun, joined by Peter and a friendly duck. (clarinet song from “Peter and the wolf”).” Take that, ISIS!

Vapshot Alcohol Vaporizer

• Let’s face it — drinking can be complicated. Where’s the bottle opener bottle opener? Which glass do i use? Who is that guy on Trish’s Facebook page? Is that Danny from work?! What happened to us, Trish? We were gonna go camping. I bought a canoe. Fortunately, there’s a new device that takes all the guesswork out of getting booze juice into your mouth-hole.

Vapshot Vaporizer: What if there was a brand new way to enjoy your alcoholic beverages that will get the party started faster and won’t slow you down.

• Finally, something that combines the elegance of drinking with The convenience of huffing paint.

• According to this factory air pollutant graph, Vapshot will have you partying nearly as hard as the cleaning crew at a poorly ventilated Acetone plant. There’s so much more fun you could probably non-fatally have.

Doctor: The normal sensation when you drink and you get- you feel ike you’re more drunk is to vomit. It’s your body’s way of expelling alcohol. However, when you inhale alcohol, your brain has no way Of expelling it.

• So don’t worry about praying to the porcelain god. With Vapshot, you just might get to meet the real thing. (laughter)And at only $899, what are you waiting for? Order your Vapshot today! Vapshot: because lungs don’t vomit.

Interview - JR

Stephen: What’s being done here?
JR: this is in a province in Rio, and those are faces and eyes of women from the community, that are the pillars of their community. But when you look in the middle, you only see violence.
Stephen: Very dangerous.
JR: It is, but about 80% of the population are having a normal life. That’s what I wanted to highlight. This is Brazil.
Stephen: All these are women’s faces. Why women?
JR: You know, because when I was looking [on] TV, all I was seeing was men with guns and drugs, and when I went there, I actually saw women carrying their community, carrying their children.

Stephen: Here’s another one you did, this is between the West Bank and Israel.
JR: Yes. These are photographs of Israelis and Palestinians doing the exact same job. So these guys might have the same job on either side of the Wall.
Stephen: What’s your point?
JR: So, basically, imagine I take a Stephen Colbert in Palestine and in Israel, both are doing the same job.
Stephen: Two of me. Sounds good so far.
JR: -one next to each other. I put them in the street. I say, “who is whom?” And most of the time people cannot recognize who is the Israeli and who is the Palestinian.
Stephen: you tell me what side they’re on, I’ll tell you who’s right. (laughter) Are you saying that you can judge a book by its cover?
JR: not exactly. I think I’m saying that the enemy are not necessarily who we
Stephen: seems what you’re saying here is that I have to consider every person as human. That I can’t just think of people as part of a population or a statistic. So there’s nobody I can’t accidentally kill in a war and still feel good about that war.
JR: No.
Stephen: That’s what you’re saying- you’re saying anybody who dies in a war that’s justified, I have to grieve over?

JR: The question that’s raised is, the fact that it went so far and we’re here talking about this [now.] As an artist you ask questions, you don’t give the answers, so I understand why you’re conflicted here.
Stephen: That’s the difference between the two of us. You ask questions that don’t give answers. I don’t want any questions, I’ll tell you the answer. Artist, (points to self) pundit.
JR: Exactly.