EPISODE NUMBER: 10132 (July 23, 2014)
GUESTS: Mary Mazzio & Oscar Vazquez | Tim Draper
SEGMENTS: Housing Crisis for Child Immigrants | “Six Californias” | “Six Californias” - Tim Draper | Lowe’s vs. Veterans Affairs | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Pinstripe Suit | White Shirt | Blue and Yellow Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Stephen adoring his New York audience
“Thank You for that greeting, you know I love it, you know I need it. I am not surprised to get that kind of response from an audience in New York. I can’t imagine ever leaving this city.”
In case you didn’t know, the “Late Show with Stephen Colbert” will be filmed in the Ed Sullivan Theatre!
Housing Crisis for Child Immigrants
Illegal unaccompanied children are still crossing the border by the thousands.
“President Obama still rejects my plan to build a ‘kid-a-pult’.”
“The kids will love it and it’s gotta be safer than those chain things.”
Yes. Those ‘chain things’ are scary. They could just fly off and…anyway, back to it.
The government is expecting that by the end of the year, 90,000 unaccompanied illegal children will have crossed the U.S.-Mexico border.
“That is a flood. It’s like ‘El Nino’ is raining actual ninos. I believe that’s why they call it that.”
According to the talking heads at Fox News, the White House is shipping these kids to the states without telling them.
“The kids could be anywhere, they could be in your house, they could be in my house. Come to think of it, I have kids in my house and I’m not sure where kids come from. All I know is they showed up one day, slathered in some kind of salsa and did not speak a word of English.”
The governor of Maine seems to be the only governor who knows he’s getting kids? He’s lamenting the…let me check on how many of the thousands of kids he’s getting…..eight. No, not 8,000…eight. 8 kids. Yup.
Maine can’t afford eight kids. They need that money to solve the backlog of crimes committed ever since Jessica Fletcher mysteriously disappeared. Was it….MURDER??”
“Six Californias”
Stephen is no fan of California.
“They’ve got a grizzly bear on their flag. Why don’t you just cut to the chase California, and make it Charlie Manson.”
There is a ballot initiative that will split California into six states.
“Six Californias is the brainchild of Silicon Valley billionaire and evil stepfather in a Lifetime movie, Tim Draper.”
Stephen always amazes me when he ribs a person that he knows is backstage and about to come out to be interviewed.
The six states Mr. Draper proposed have names like North CA, South CA, etc., but then there is the northernmost state, which will be called Jefferson.
“Jefferson, which is famous for producing 60% of the nation’s marijuana and eating 60% of the nation’s leftover burritos. I believe Jefferson’s state flag will be a magic eye poster.”
The other state with an actual name without California in it, is Silicon Valley. Great choice, yup.
“I say you can’t go wrong naming stuff after technology. It’s timeless. Just ask the residents of ‘CB Radio’ and ‘Betamax’.”
Silicon Valley would be the richest state per capita.
“They wouldn’t have to share their wealth with California’s other poorer per capitas. So I believe their state bird would be this…”
“Six Californias” - Tim Draper
Do you all think this would pass? It would have to be approved by Congress. It would be an enormous undertaking. I think it would be better, if they were to do anything, to split off parts of CA to the surrounding states.
Tim Draper disagrees. He came up with this idea and got it on the ballot. He’s even got the tie to prove it.
Tim Draper: Good people, but very difficult to manage all the different interests.
Stephen: That’s what I like about your idea, because I’m tired of the idea of a melting pot in America. The metaphor you’re going for is those tupperware containers where you get to seal off every container.
Stephen brings up a great point. Let’s further divide our already horribly divided nation.
Stephen: Do you think these other states will keep California’s insane proposition system where anyone can get something on the ballot?
I believe Stephen thoroughly won this argument, but Mr. Draper was not unmoved. He walked away still resolute.
Stephen: Are you going to be a Senator or a Governor of one of these new states?
Tim: No, I’m going to leave it up to Californians.
Stephen: You’re just going to set the charges and blow it up and say, ‘Not my f***in’ problem’!
Lowe’s vs. Veterans Affairs
Stephen prefers local papers to National mainstream papers, especially for headlines like this one, from the Staten Island Advance:
Some Staten Island Lowe’s employees fixed a wheelchair for a Vietnam Veteran when it broke at the store as he was shopping. He had been waiting two years for a repair from the VA, but the Lowe’s employees fixed it right then and there.
Very heartwarming, but Stephen feels it just proves that the private sector is always better than the government.
“Why wait years to have that hip replaced, when Lowe’s will fix you up with duct tape, chicken wire and a socket wrench set?”
Lowe’s can handle mental health issues too.
“The worst case of PTSD in the world is no match for this adorable frog statue using a daisy for an umbrella. I don’t care what you saw going door-to-door in Fallujah…..look at that guy’s tummy.”
Stephen thanks Lowe’s for servicing those that don’t get serviced by the VA, but…
“I do have one criticism, Lowe’s…your bathrooms. There’s just no damn privacy and I have yet to find one toilet that flushes.”
Mary Mazzio & Oscar Vazquez
Their film is about the high school kids who beat MIT with an underwater robot they made. The boys were never expecting to beat a college level team, but they won against the smarty-pants MIT guys.
Mary: They built an underwater robot from sticks and chewing gum and bits and pieces from Home Depot…
Stephen: An underwater robot.
Mary: underwater…in the middle of the desert, high school boys, all Hispanic, all by the way undocumented…
Stephen: So the underwater robot was to smuggle more children across the Rio Grande?
They built the robot and brought it across the country to the desert to compete. Where was the water? They must’ve built a tank, I guess.
Stephen: Were there any crisis moments, because those things tend to break on a moment’s notice.
Oscar: Yes, specifically there was one where we were getting water leaking into our electronics compartment, but luckily one of our friends came up with a great idea to fix it.
Stephen: What did you use?
Oscar: He used tampons to get the liquid out of the electronics.
Stephen: Really? That would be a pretty good commercial…’cause they never show you what they’re really for.
Stephen: So what’s the message here, because I’m feeling… a message.
Mary: What message are you feeling?
Stephen: (hesitantly) I’m feeling that immigrants that we may not necessarily want in this country have something to…
Mary: …can actually do good things!
Stephen: Don’t interrupt me, madam.
(laughter)
Stephen: I was so close to getting your message.
Mary: oh sh**!
Stephen: Now I think the message is secure our borders.
Oscar was awesome and adorably didn’t answer the last question. reminded me of “if children are our past, are we not their future? you don’t see factory workers throwing parties for robots!”
Mary is not allowed to interrupt Stephen. no.
kid-a-pult! nice throw-back to family-pult.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
“I can’t imagine ever leaving this city!” What a great way to start the show now that the word is out!
I’ve really been enjoying The Report’s coverage of the lack of compassion some politicians have towards the refugee children. Sometimes the heartlessness can be mind-blowing.
I agree with Llama: Creating six Californias would be an enormous undertaking. I imagine that it would take years to happen if it indeed does. Tim Draper was styling with that Cali neck tie!
Tip of the Hat!
0