June 3, 2014 — Morgan Freeman

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The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 10111 (June 3, 2014)
GUESTS: Morgan Freeman | Dan Esty
SEGMENTS: Intro - 6/3/14 | Open-Carry Backlash | Obama’s Global Warming Initiative | Obama’s Global Warming Initiative - Dan Esty | Medicare Coverage for Sex-Change Surgery | Morgan Freeman | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Blue/White Checked Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Your enthusiasm tonight … What you just did almost led to a first on the show. I almost started chanting “Stephen! Stephen!” myself.

Intro - 6/3/14

Tonight, Obama makes a huge over-reach on climate change. Get ready for government mandated sunbonnets. Then a new threat to our senior citizens: Time continues to move forward. And my guest tonight is Morgan Freeman, host of ‘Through The Wormhole’ on The Science Channel. I’m still on season one, so no spoilers on how the universe ends. This week marks the 25th anniversary of Tiananmen Square. Or as they call it in China: Tank Man Happy Day.

Open-Carry Backlash

  • I’ve always said the best defense against a bad guy with a gun is good guy hoarding guns in a backwoods shed, muttering to himself about the coming race war.
  • Which is why I support The Open Carry Movement, where patriots stand up for the 2nd Amendment by proudly displaying their guns in public places; like a patriot fest last month, where these two buddies posted photos of themselves at Chipotle.

They were telling the world they’re not ashamed of their gun love. They are out and they are proud. We’re here, we’ve got gear, get used to it!

  • But I’m sad to announce that the response to this Chipotle “Chi-Protest” was for Chipotle and a whole slew of other restaurants to oppress gun-lovers.

“More restaurants jumping on the ‘no guns allowed’ bandwagon. Sonic and Chili’s telling customers to leave their guns at home … Guns also not welcomed at Starbucks, Wendy’s, Jack In The Box, and Applebee’s.”

  • It’s a domino effect! Oh, God! I just hope this doesn’t spread to Domino’s! Because I really like to have a gun on hand when I eat one, ’cause I feel like killing myself.
  • Nation, these restaurants are forcing patriots to make the hardest choice any American can face. Between high-powered weaponry and fried food. Both are deadly, but only one comes with melted cheese.
  • Now our 2nd Amendment rights are under attack by the liberal wackos at The National Rifle Association, who on their website, slandered these good men saying:

“…it is a rare sight to see someone sidle up next to you in line for lunch with a 7.62 rifle slung across his chest… Let’s not mince words, not only is it rare, it’s downright weird…

Why would you wear a 7.62 after Memorial Day? It’s summer. You wanna wear something more light, more kicky. Maybe an Uzi with a folding stock. You know, fun.

Obama’s Global Warming Initiative

  • Yesterday, America got one step closer to the nightmare scenario of doing something.

“The Obama Administration announcing strict new standards for carbon emissions.” “Proposing new EPA regulations to take his strongest action yet against climate change.” “It’s very much sorta Obamacare for the air.”

  • Yes, Obamacare for the air. You know what that means. Get ready for breath panels.
  • The proposed regulations would require states to cut carbon dioxide emissions from coal plants 30% by 2030. Now, the good news is, there’s going to be a 2030.

Chris Hayes: “Today, historically speaking, has a chance to be the most important day in the presidency of Barack Obama. And today’s huge announcement was why. The most significant effort by any American president ever to curb carbon emissions in this country.”

Yes, it’s the most significant effort any president has ever taken to combat global warming. Second place, of course, is a 43-way tie for nothing.

  • Obama’s launched a war on coal. It is the most vicious attack on an irreplaceable fuel source since James K. Polk’s blitzkrieg on kindling.
  • What on Earth is Obama thinking?! Coal generates 40% of America’s electricity. The rest comes from traditional sources like oil, natural gas and Radio Shack Plasma Balls.

We’ve caged the lightning!

Obama’s Global Warming Initiative - Dan Esty

Dan: He’s (President Obama) done some common sense things to begin a transition to a clean energy future, which we have lots of reasons to want.
Stephen: What about clean coal? Why don’t we just go with the clean coal future? It’s got the word “clean” in it. You’ve got to admit that.
Dan: It could be that there will be some clean coal as part of this future, but we need a broader portfolio and we’ve got a chance to shift towards cheaper and cleaner natural gas in a pretty big way.

Medicare Coverage for Sex-Change Surgery

  • Now men are becoming women, women are becoming men and my inbox is becoming full of your angry letters every time I talk about it. I know, I know, I’m cis hetero Nazi scum. I accept your judgement.
  • But now the transgenders are transforming a new segment of America.

“Medicare patients may now apply to have sex change operations funded by you, the taxpayer. An appeals board for the Department of Health and Human Services says there is no justification for a three decade old rule, excluding the procedures.” “Medicare covers 49 million senior citizens…It is not clear how many might be affected by the ruling.”

  • Who knows. Could be all 49 million. Of course, then it’s gonna be the LBGTAARP.

  • Now you want me to accept unattractive transgender people? Where does it end? Will I have to accept unattractive non-transgender people? What am I made of? Humanity?
  • Let’s face it, folks. After a certain age who can really tell men and women apart?
  • Instead of taxpayers springing for some expensive surgery to turn a man into a woman, just give them a floral print mumu.

Ta-dah!

Interview - Morgan Freeman

Morgan: Stephen, I have to get this off my chest before it’s too late. I find your idiocy brilliant and I’m very happy you let me come back on your show before you’re fired.
Stephen: Let me know when that is, please. ‘Cause when I am fired, I wanna do some crazy sh*t the night before!

Stephen: As a star of stage and screen…
Morgan: And radio.
Stephen: And radio. Is there a field you haven’t conquered yet that you’d like to?
Morgan: No … No … I think I’m pretty complete by now.
Stephen: You’re complete?
Morgan: Yeah. I’m almost at the apex of life.
Stephen: How does that feel?
Morgan: Awesome.

The Hub invites you to share your thoughts with us on this episode in the comment section!

  • CN Helper

    “What do you think I am made of…humanity?” My favorite quotable from last night. Loved Morgan Freeman, and how he couldn’t stop praising Stephen (as much as Stephen would allow him to), saying he was glad to be on the show one more time before he was “fired.” I also liked how Freeman said he has the other science show’s guy, Neil Degrasse Tyson’s back. Great interview overall.

    Stephen was also brave to wade back into the transgender issue in the 3rd act. He got a lot of flack from the transgender community ever since he had Janet Mock on, so it was brave of him to cover the topic again.

    • karenatasha

      That was my favorite, too! And I love that Freeman found a way to compliment Stephen without losing sight of the fact that he was talking to “Stephen.” Cleverly done. But then, Freeman’s just fabulous.

      He covered the transgender issue well. As for getting in trouble, many people do. Transgender folks have endured (and continue to endure) so much cruelty, that they are of necessity sensitive. I’ve seen people writing into Dan Savage wailing about how they’ve unwittingly offended a transgender friend.

      This great show, following Jon’s fabulous interview with Ricky Gervais, made for a great evening. I love Jon and Ricky; it’s ALMOST as good as Jon and Denis Leary!

  • How great is Morgan Freeman? I just love that man! And my love for him grew even stronger after that interview.

    The “Open-Carry Backlash” segment was fantastic. I loved the voice Stephen did when he read the quotes from the NRA and Open Carry Texas. You know an organization like Open Carry Texas has got to be batsh*t crazy if the NRA is opposed to what they’re doing! You’d think that not taking guns into a restaurant would be a no-brainer. Apparently not in ‘Murica!