EPISODE NUMBER: 10062 (February 11, 2014)
GUEST: Charlie Crist
SPECIAL GUEST: Scott Thompson (Buddy Cole)
SEGMENTS: Intro - 2/11/14 | Blade in the USA | Sport Report - From Russia With Love (But No Gay Stuff) - U.S. Speedskating Team | Sport Report - Michael Sam’s Coming Out | Charlie Crist | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Light Grey Pinstriped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Black/White Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Intro - 2/11/14
Tonight, I catch up with the US Speed Skating Team. Well, I try to catch up. They’re so damn fast. Then, could the NFL have it’s first openly gay player? And if so, will rooting against his team be a hate crime? And my guest Charlie Crist is the former governor of Florida. Fun fact: Someone once tried to govern Florida. According to The Department of Agriculture, one in six men eat pizza everyday. The other five eat yesterday’s pizza.
Blade in the USA
- These Olympic athletes have accomplished the impossible - making me care about cross-country skiing.
- Of course the games hold a special place in my heart because four years ago I saved The Olympics. The United States Speedskating Team would never have made it to the games if it weren’t for my hard work and your hard cash.
- I have not given up on my team. This year you can help them out by going to ColbertNation and donating and getting your own special Colbert Nation / US Speedskating t-shirt.
“Folks, your green can help the red, white and blue bring home the gold. Orange you glad?”
Sport Report - From Russia With Love (But No Gay Stuff) - U.S. Speedskating Team
Buddy Cole
Stephen: Now you know, Buddy, gay-rights activists are up in arms over Russia’s anti-homosexual propaganda laws. But these laws are so vague that police can arrest anyone they suspect of being gay. Of course, I don’t worry about sending you. You are a real man’s man.
Buddy: Guilty as charged.
Stephen: I am worried about my friends on the speedskating team, Buddy. How do we keep them safe?
Buddy: Well, Stephen, last night I learned all about these anti-gay laws when I sat down with an ambassador or something. I don’t know. He seemed nice. And tonight I want to share that advice with the US Speedskating Team.
Buddy asks the team to show him their winning gold medal faces.
Buddy: Are any of you gentleman aware of these anti-gay laws that Russia has passed?
Eddy Alvarez: Yeah, we’re aware of what’s going on in Russia. But honestly, you know, we’ve been training so much and been concentrating on our training.
Buddy: No time for gay sex.
Buddy: Is speedskating a choice or where you born a speedskater?
Kyle Carr: I think you’re born a speedskater.
Buddy: Good. So you were born a speedskater.
Kyle Carr: I’m a short track … I do short track … (Stumbles on his words, adorably!)
Buddy: What? You’re a short tracker? Don’t worry about it, Kyle. It’s a little cold in here. We’re all short tracked.
“To truly understand the team I knew I had to walk a mile in their shoes. Or at least skate a kilometer in their spandex.”
“They clearly knew how to ice conga and that was perfectly butch.”
Buddy: There was no hiding the fact that their tights screamed gay propaganda. I had to find a way to make them less attractive. Fanny packs! Dammit. Still too young and taut. Not even Dockers could dampen those fiery thighs. Finally, I had to resort to gay Kryptonite: Crocs.
“Heterosexuality: ACHEIVED!”
Sport Report - Michael Sam’s Coming Out
- As you know, folks, I have been a life-long football fan for almost two weeks now. And like all hardcore foot nuts, I was looking forward to May’s NFL draft until I saw this.
“Michael Sam expected to be drafted into the NFL … that would make him the first openly gay player in that league.”
Michael Sam: “I came to tell the world that I’m an openly gay proud man.”
- Ok, that took courage, but we can’t have a gay football player. It’s first and ten, not first and Steve.
- And the most offensive part is Michael Sam doesn’t understand why people might be offended.
Michael Sam: “This is, to me, is just telling another person, ‘Hey, I’m gay.’ And then it shouldn’t be a big problem.”
- Well, I’m sorry, sir, but nobody chooses to have a problem with this. I was born having a problem with this.
- Nobody is saying this guy is not a great football player. All-American; the SEC’s Defensive Player of the Year. And that’s quite an honor coming from the Securities and Exchange Commission.
- But now pro teams are just gonna have to think twice before drafting him.
“Yesterday Michael Sam was projected as a third or forth round pick, but definitely on the board. And today executives will say anonymously that his stock has dropped. He may not even be drafted.”
“…Can the players handle the media attention that they’re gonna get when they get the question asked are you okay with a gay team mate?”
- Exactly. I mean just think of that question. Are you okay with a gay team mate? Who wants to put their players through the agony of saying, “Yeah.”
- Michael Sam’s only chance is to go back in the closet. Mike, we’ll pretend you’re not gay as long as you pretend we’re not bigots.
Interview - Charlie Crist
Stephen: What was it about the modern Republican Party that didn’t appeal to you anymore?
Charlie Crist: Well, Jeb Bush said it very well himself. He said that the modern Republican Party - the leadership - appears to be anti-women, anti-minority, anti-immigrant, anti-gay couples, anti-enviroment, anti-education. I mean, pretty soon there’s nobody left in the room and it just wasn’t a place that I was comfortable being in anymore.
Stephen: Now why do you want to be Governor of Florida again? It’s a tough state to govern. It’s a tough state to live in. You know, it’s warm and everything, but Jesus wept, it is a crazy state.
Charlie: It’s interesting. It’s never dull, but it is a beautiful place.
Please feel free to express your opinions with us in the comment section!
Scott Thompson is the first correspondent (other than Paul Dinello) who can like literally channel Stephen. Everything he did in the segment was in line with what Stephen might do if he could have been there in UT, and it was just hilarious. I had no idea that crocs = gay kryptonite! Sage lessons learned on the Report.
Tip of the Hat!
+2
Another awesome piece from Buddy Cole, ladies and gents! Also, I just realized since TCR started airing their Olympics coverage, Stephen is pulling an Obama. See, while Obama was unable to attend the Olympics and sent three gay athletes for the U.S. delegation, Stephen sent Buddy Cole to do field pieces which seemed daunting at first because it would feel a bit nostalgic that Stephen would do so, except without him. But now I see the point of Buddy Cole’s appearance; not only he channels Stephen’s antics, it gives good perspective of the gay man and his reactions towards the Olympics and Russia. More Olympics coverage, please!
Tip of the Hat!
+3
Buddy Cole looked fabulous in that spandex! It seemed like the US Speedskating Team had a lot of fun with Buddy.
The line from this episode that really stuck out for me was about Michael Sam. “Mike, we’ll pretend you’re not gay as long as you pretend we’re not bigots.” Stephen’s delivery was perfect and so was his point.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
Love Buddy Cole!! It’s such a shame the men crashed out in the Speedskating relay
Tip of the Hat!
+4