December 18, 2013 — Keanu Reeves

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The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 10039 (December 18, 2013)
GUESTS: Keanu Reeves | Aaron Neville | MusiCorps | Hans Beinholtz
SEGMENTS: Intro - 12/18/13 | Rethinking Customer Satisfaction | Santa Claus Ethnicity Debate | Santa Claus Ethnicity Debate - Hans Beinholtz | Aaron Neville and MusiCorps - “Silent Night” | Sign Off - Goodnight
EXCLUSIVE: Aaron Neville and MusicCorps - “Hallelujah”
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Navy/Silver Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, December 18, 2013

© Kristopher Long | The Colbert Report’s Facebook Page

What a great Christmas Carol week so far! I’ve already been feeling good and Christmasy, and these eps are just making it all the better. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, it’s kind of nice to soak the kinder, gentler spirit that abounds this time of year - except maybe in malls and Costcos, perhaps. There, it’s every man for himself. For further education on holiday retail savagery, read fellow Grammy-contender David Sedaris’ “Santaland Diaries.”

I was just thinking about Hans Beinholtz, and if there was any more opportunity to use him, and bam! He appears as the morose, German Father Christmas. The writers must delight in writing his melancholy dialogue. For my Christmas present, I would dearly like to know the identity of the actor who plays him. He seems like he just arrived from the deepest recesses of Germany with that beautiful thick accent, but more than likely he is a guy from New Jersey or something.

How did you guys like Keanu-san? I thought the interview was one of the year’s best! Stephen took his time with him, and really tried to play with him, which was delightful. And our host is right, Mr. Reeves does not look anywhere near his age, but I think if Stephen grew his hair/beard out he could be an (Irish-er) Keanu doppelganger. I’m serious!

Finally, a beautiful rendition of “Silent Night” with MusicCorps and Aaron Neville. I got really misty when the gentleman started off singing, such a beautiful, emotive voice. It’s fitting that at the end of the year, Stephen shares a bit of his beautiful, patriotic soul by honoring the wounded veterans — nice touch when he and Neville were seated in deference to the veteran co-singer. Well done, all.

What did you guys think? We don’t have much time left, comment strong! 


Intro

  • Tonight! Is Santa Claus an American? Well, he is fat and wears a velvet track suit.
  • Then, a shocking case of government waste. There’s nothing wrong with the Old Hampshire!
  • And my guest is Keanu Reeves, who stars in the new samurai movie 47 Ronin. Oh, 3 more and he gets a free Ronin.
  • Doctors say an apple a day may prevent heart attacks. If only there was some sort of rhyme to remember that.


Rethinking Customer Satisfaction

“The [ACSI] is the most trusted ranking of corporate like ability next to People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Corporations Alive.’”

  • Wouldn’t mind sprinkling some brown sugar on that.

  • That’s right, folks. The free market has spoken, and it has said, “f**k you.”
  • For instance, the stock of one of the lowest scoring companies in the survey, Time Warner Cable, surged 450% over the past 5 years, which is particularly surprising, since 5 years is how long you’ve been waiting for the cable guy. Remember, he said he’d be there between 2009 and 2014, so don’t go anywhere.

“But you still get unlimited breadsticks!”


Santa Claus Ethnicity Debate

  • You see, [Santa] was from Turkey, just the white meat part.

“One black, one latino, and one Filipino Santa? That reminds me of a great joke I can only tell to a white Santa. “

  • Oh, Germany going after Santa? Sounds like somebody didn’t learn their lesson about invading the Poles.


Santa Claus Ethnicity Debate - Hans Beinholtz

Hans Beinholtz describes all the nightmarish reasons Germans love Father Christmas.

  • Stephen: Tell me, to the German people, who is Father Christmas?
  • Hans Beinholtz: Father Christmas is a vagabond, bent by age, bereft of companionship — his only friend a pine stick, severed from its roots, slowly desiccating, forever a burden, like children.
  • Stephen: Just to be clear, Germans love him, right?
  • Beinholtz: Yes! As bleak winter descends like a shroud over Germany, his meager gifts are the only distraction from the hovering darkness.

Stephen in a rare moment of speechlessness to the Hon. Beinholtz’s bleak assertions.

“Oh, look! We are under the mistletoe.” “I see that we are.” “Its berries are a deadly poison, like hope.”


Interview — Keanu Reeves

“You’re 3 things that piss me off: you’re a Canadian, an actor…and you’re 49 and I’m 49, you go to hell!”

  • Stephen: (warmly) Keanu, it’s so nice to meet you and be angry with you in person.
  • Stephen: Besides being this guy in the movies that everyone looks to as being “the one,” you’ve got your own uniqueness in your own life. You’re a big hollywood superstar, and you don’t live the big Hollywood superstar life. Why are you so low key and laid-back, shouldn’t you be out there riding a white tiger and just knee deep in hookers and blow? What’s the use of being a superstar if you can’t crazy?
  • Keanu: Bucket list! I don’t get out much, I’m kind of low-key like you say, working on working.
  • Stephen: Would you like to be quiet with each other?

[A quiet-off ensues, Stephen wins.]

  • Stephen: You have also been a meme.
  • Keanu: I have been a meme!
  • Stephen: “Sad Keanu.” Everybody loves sad Keanu. Are you sad?
  • Keanu: No.
  • Stephen: Is this happy?

[Stephen then tries to get Keanu to do a little acting, which seems to perplex Keanu]

How long before the “Keanu Finds His Cell Phone” Meme ends up rampaging the internet?

Related posts:

  1. December 12, 2013 - George Packer
  2. Better Know a Guest: December 16 -19, 2013
  3. December 19, 2013 - Ben Stiller
  4. December 11, 2013 - Elizabeth Gilbert

7 thoughts on “December 18, 2013 — Keanu Reeves”

  1. In the third episode of the Christmas Carol week we have Stephen, Aaron Neville and MusiCorps singing ”Silent Night.”
    [Link]

    The bit with Hans Beinholtz was great. ”Oh, look. We are under the mistletoe.”

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +2

    Reply ↓

  2. It was great to see our old friend, Hans Beinholtz! The performance of Aaron Neville and MusicCorps was touching and beautiful. I also loved the online exclusive.

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +1

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  3. Loved the return of Hans Beinholtz! He’s so great - I really crack up at his segments. I’m really glad the Keanu Reeves interview turned out well. I’ve never really seen Reeves in interviews, so I wasn’t sure how he would handle it, but they both seemed to enjoy it a lot and I’m glad for it.

    I have not watched the closing Christmas song, because I’m pretty sure it’s going to make me cry. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was great :).

    Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +3

    Reply ↓

    • Wow! Thank you Don. I knew if I asked the Internet, the Internet would answer me! :) And I can see he is a musician too. Love him more!

      Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +3

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      • I strongly feel Erik is doing Brother Theodore’s old bit, just slightly revised for modern times. Theodore’s been dead for a few years - was a famous performance artist in NYC that often appeared on Letterman in his early years. There’s a lot of clips of him on YouTube. The similarity is pretty remarkable.

        … not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course! I loved Brother Theodore and am glad someone is paying homage, in a way.

        Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +2

      • Thanks for your comment! I have to check out Brother Theodore on the ‘ol youtube and compare them side by side.

        Tip of the Hat! Thumb up +2

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