EPISODE NUMBER: 10031 (December 4, 2013)
GUEST: Bryan Stevenson
SEGMENTS: Do-Nothing Congress | Tip/Wag - Campaign for Cursive & The RNC | Colbert Platinum - Freedom Ship | Sign Off
SUIT REPORT: Black Pin Striped Suit | White Shirt | Blue & Pink Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Tonight’s episode explored the frustration known as Congress. Stephen made the brilliant suggestion of appointing chimps to Congress. I’m for it! In the Tip/Wag, Obama wages a war on cursive handwriting and we can all breathe a sigh of relief now that the RNC declared that racism has ended. There’s a plan for new ship available as a home for the super rich. All aboard to float away from Uncle Sam!
Stephen’s interview with Bryan Stevenson was eye-opening and thought-provoking. Mr. Stevenson is quite an extraordinary man and a true do-gooder.
Do-Nothing Congress
- Folks, this Congress has earned a very special distinction.
“If you can believe it, only 55 bills have been signed into law this year. That makes this the least productive Congress ever.” “It literary is a do-nothing Congress.”
- Oh, that’s not fair. They’re doing something. They’re getting into The Guinness Book of World Records.
- The 113th hasn’t passed the bills every Congress does like a highway bill or a defense bill or a farm bill or a budget.
- But what do we need a budget for? Clearly not for highways, defense or food!
- I am so excited to have others report that there’s been an even bigger bipartisan achievement.
“Congress is about to shell out 55 million dollars to pay for retirement benefits for a group of chimpanzees. The 300 chimps are part of a research testing facility, who are being sent to a habitat in Louisiana to live out the rest of their lives.”
- That’s right, the government is paying for research chimps to retire to Louisiana. Because not even psychologically scarred apes wanna live in Florida.
- Why don’t we just put the chimps in Congress? After all, they’ve got the experience you need. They j*** off in public and throw s*** at each other.
Tip/Wag - Campaign for Cursive & The RNC
- I’m no fan of The Department of Education, but I do like their new Common Core Standards, which is going to put less emphasis on literature and more on reading things like memos and instruction manuals.
- So, I was ready to give The Common Core an ‘F’ for fantastic. But then I saw something that made me change that to an ‘A’ for angry!
“Cursive writing is no longer part of what is called “The Common Core State Standards.” This means that cursive is no longer a core skill that youngsters must learn.”
Tip: Campaign For Cursive
- Keep up the good work Campaign For Cursive and the totally independent, impartial and completely objective group behind the campaign, The American Handwriting Analysis Foundation.
- I am tired of of conservatives being accused of being insensitive to black people.
“I’ll have you know over this break I watched all of Roots…performing on Jimmy Fallon. Really opened my eyes to the cruelty of Jimmy Fallon.”
- On Sunday, Republicans proved once and for all they are sensitive to the black experience, by commemorating the 58th anniversary of Rosa Parks’ courageous bus protest.
- The RNC took to Twitter saying, “Today we remember Rosa Parks’ bold stand and her role in ending racism.”
Tip: The RNC
- I am giving a Tip of the Hat to the RNC for reminding everyone that Rosa Parks ended racism.
- The moment she refused to get up from her seat in December of 1955, racism was over. The end. Fade to black. Or fade to Chinese. Whatever, it’s all the same now.
Colbert Platinum - Freedom Ship
- Platinum Nation, we’re always looking for new ways to escape the big government tax machine. So, as much as I love this country, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here and onto a kick-ass boat.
“The super rich are drifting away from the rest of the world. We now have The Freedom Ship. It’s a one-mile long, 25-story tall mega ship, that’s more like a floating city than a boat. It would carry up to 50,000 full-time residents. It’s unclear how taxes would work for people there, but they said it would not be registered in the United States, so Uncle Sam would not be able to get to people on that boat.”
- There are only two things preventing me from boarding tomorrow.
- One - Freedom Ship has not yet been built.
- Two - By their own admission Freedom Ship will be subject to international maritime law. Sorry, that’s too much law for this guy.
- So, I have devised my own my own escape for billionaire ex-pats: ‘Stephen Colbert’s Liberty Dirigible.’
- Finally, a place where America’s wealthy can take to the skies, shatter the chains of international law and find their own destiny, as long as it’s down-wind.
Interview - Bryan Stevenson
Stephen: You also got the longest standing ovation on record at a Ted Talk. What were you talking about that got those brainy types all excited?
Bryan Stevenson: Well, I was actually talking about mass incarceration and the challenges that we face in this country, because we put so many people in prison. We’ve imposed so many harsh punishments.
Stephen: What’s the challenge? We’ve got mass incarceration. That was our goal and now we’ve achieved it.
Bryan Stevenson: Well, we’ve also really devastated communities of color; poor communities. We’ve created despair and hopelessness. We’ve spent a lot of money. We’re now spending 80 billion dollars a year to keep people in jails and prisons. We’ve created a lot of bad collateral consequences. People have lost their right to vote perminately.
Bryan Stevenson: We are all actually responsible for our failure to tell the truth about our racial history.
Stephen: Oh, so you too? You’re a black guy, right? People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I feel terribly guilty about this conversation.
Your opinions matter to us, so be sure to leave a comment!
Stephen seemed so happy last night, which was nice to see. Maybe it was the great audience. You know the saying, happy crowd, happy host. Loved the line about Chimps and the (do-nothing) Congress.
I am very skeptical about these common core standards. My daughter (2nd grader) is getting very limited cursive instruction this year, but that’s only part of my problem. The shift is from more rote skills to “analysis.” I had to show her how to “borrow the ten” when subtracting double-digit numbers. I don’t mind doing it, of course, but it was concerning to me that she wasn’t being shown that. But hey, she can analyze the heck out of a word problem! Even if she can’t finish what she’s analyzing. I will have to step in and make sure she can do it, though. Mom to the math rescue.
Also, nice interview with Bryan Stevenson. We do have a great incarceration problem in this country, and the profit aspect of it is hugely contributing to the problem. It’s horrible to be sent off as a young person for a long sentence for a minor offense, in an environment where nothing hopeful can be gleaned. This is an area of our governance that needs extensive reform, but as Stephen talked about at the top, this Congress ain’t gonna do it.
Tip of the Hat!
+2
Tip of the Hat!
+3
I’m about to sound like a total square, but I am quite a stickler when it comes to neat penmanship. I think that it’s important to teach kids cursive. I’m very anal about my own handwriting. Although, I suspect this comes from years of being taught by nuns! Then again, the times they are a-changing, so I can see both sides of this coin.
How great is Bryan Stevenson? There is so much hypocrisy in the prison system. It is bewildering. The world needs more Bryan Stevensons.
My new favorite Stephen quote about Congress: “They *bleep* off in public and throw *bleep* at each other.” My sides hurt over that one!
Tip of the Hat!
+2