October 31, 2013 — Zach Sims

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The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 10016 (October 31, 2013)
GUEST: Zach Sims
SEGMENTS: Intro - 10/31/13 | War On Halloween - Matt Lauer’s Nightmarish Costume | The Word - See No Evil | Blood in the Water - Jim Wheeler’s Hypothetical Slavery Vote | Sign Off - The Glenlivet
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Yellow Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, October 31, 2013

It’s Halloween!!

The Colbert Report Halloween set

Intro - 10/31/13

“Tonight, how can Americans protect their privacy? My solution- a diary with a little heart-shaped lock. Then, a Nevada politician gets in trouble, which is shocking, because nothing’s illegal in Nevada, and my guest Zach Sims, co-founded an online school that teaches computer coding skills for free. Kathleen Sebelius, you’ll want to stay tuned.

Happy Thanksgiving…April Fool’s! Happy Halloween. This is The Colbert Report.”

War On Halloween - Matt Lauer’s Nightmarish Costume

Stephen opens the show doing the Cryptkeeper.

Stephen Colbert Halloween“Wel-tomb to the Col-Scare Report. Thank ghoul for joining us tonight-mare. Ghoul evening, every-bone. Frankenstein.”

He then exposed us to one of the most creepy things I think I’ve ever seen on Halloween, Matt Lauer dressed up for Halloween.

“On Today’s ‘The Today Show’ today, Halloween died when anchor Matt Lauer dressed up as my waking nightmare.”

Matt Lauer Baywatch costum

“I look forward to their new segment, ‘Where in the world is Matt Lauer’s dignity?'”

The Word - See No Evil

The NSA is spying on us.

Stephen Colbert on Government leaks“I’ve dealt with some leaks in my own house and I hope the govt. handles it the same way I do; by hiring a contractor to whack it a few times with a monkey wrench.”

Just in case you don’t see Stephen winking, he is pointing to his eye with both hands. Just in case.

Congressman and “Meatloaf stunt double, Mike Rogers”

The Congressman seems to not get the whole violating people’s privacy issue. No one has been complaining so therefore it’s a-okay? I guess Stephen agrees.

“If you don’t know your privacy has been violated, then it wasn’t. It makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it.”

Blood in the Water - Jim Wheeler’s Hypothetical Slavery Vote

He would vote in favor of slavery if his constituents wanted it. He said he would “hold his nose” and do it. That’s what he was elected to do. Stephen sums it up:

“When we voters elect someone, we become his master and he must do what we say under the threat of violence. There’s only one word for that, democracy.”

So yeah, in a sense he’s right. If only Congress would do what the people want. Background checks come to mind, but you also have to use your head. If the people want it legal to murder anyone anywhere anytime, would you also vote in favor of that?

Everyone jumped on him for making that statement, prompting Stephen to come to his defense.

Wheeler’s website: The accusations are absurd to anyone who views his comments in context.

Stephen: Let me give you the entire context to clear this up. Someone said that he would vote to bring back slavery and he responded, ‘Yes I would’. See? Little more nuanced now, isn’t it?

Interview - Zach Sims

What is it with these young geniuses who don’t want to earn billions for their inventions? Two nights in a row?

Zach Sims on The Colbert Report

He invented Codecademy. What is it with these people giving stuff away for free? Free is nice, but you get what you pay for. Just sayin’.

Zach: We think everyone could benefit by learning this program.
Stephen: What kind of languages are we talking about here, because they say the older you get, the harder it is to learn a language and I’m in my late twenties.

Sign Off - The Glenlivet

Stephen signs off with a nightcap.

Stephen Colbert night cap sign off

  • Tara Ferguson

    I only tuned in tonight because you said you would have Bill Bryson. I wanted Bill Bryson, he’s a real American, British, and Australian hero!

    • nancilda

      Yeah, what happened to Bill Bryson? I made a point of turning on this show just for him.

  • JoAnn Gaieski

    What happened to Bill Bryson? All I saw was Zack from Codecademy.

  • Kellipsis

    Wait… I thought it should be Bill Bryson? They changed the schedule or…?

  • Suzanne Thorson

    Hey! I tuned in as usual but unusually happy to see that Bill Bryson was his guest. Huh? What happened? Will he be a guest on a near-future show? I hope so!

    And, I wrote this on November 1st at 11:20am, so how come the date/time listed above says different?

    • The site is Australian, and is therefore run on Australian EST time which is ahead of the US.

  • Corrie-luv

    Yeah, after hearing all the hullaballoo about Billy Bryson’s absence, does someone have any account or taping report about this?

    With that said and done, Bravo to Jonny-bun and Most-Def Colbert for this week’s shows. What do u get when u “Try a Little Tenderness” with a report on Southern ‘homophobia’ with a funny-looking mustache, a “Go F**k Yourself” Choir, two “The Word”, free endive, and Halloween between 2 shows? My daily dose of awesomeness, though I was bewildered with that bedtime story. Can’t wait 2 see what they have in store for this new month!

  • ‘The Word’ was fantastic. It was awesome that it started with “See No Evil” and ended with “See? No Evil.” Perfect! He took a very funny swipe at Mike Rogers. When the question “What Is The Sound Of One Hand Tapping?” appeared on the screen, it reminded me of the skit that Stephen and Paul Dinello did on ‘Exit 57’ with that very same famous zen question. (Just trading “clapping” for “tapping.”)

    Jim Wheeler from ‘Blood In The Water’ made me cringe. Stephen’s petition idea was hilarious.

    I loved that sign-off! I wouldn’t mind sitting by the fire with Stephen and sipping some Glenlivet. Doesn’t that sound cozy, Hubsters?!

  • Mmmelanie

    Will Bill Bryson be on a future episode?

    • I’m not sure. Some guests are rescheduled, while others aren’t.