EPISODE NUMBER: 10010 (October 22, 2013)
GUEST: A. Scott Berg
SEGMENTS: Intro - 10/22/13 | The In-Box - Lions vs. Tigers | Thought For Food - KFC’s “Go Cup” & Powerful Yogurt | The Neiman Marcus Christmas Book | Sign Off - “The Heart of Giving”
SUIT REPORT: Navy Blue Suit | Light Powder Blue Shirt | Blue Patterned Tie
TAPING REPORT: [Link]
VIDEOS: Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Tonight’s episode took a step back from anything political. The segments were a fantastically silly treat! We had an installment of ‘The In-Box,’ which is a segment The Report hasn’t done since 2007. In this episode tigers got The Colbert Bump (go tigers!) and Stephen introduced us to his wonderful idea of KFC’s Wheel Meat (sounds delicious). For all of us rich people out there the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book is sure to come in handy for the holidays. $35,000 dragon topiary, anyone?! Don’t forget to book your dream vacation for The Colbert U-Pick-’Em Blood Diamond Experience. Personally, I knew very little of President Woodrow Wilson, so the interview with A. Scott Berg was rather interesting and surprisingly rife with Stephen’s hilarious Hitler references! Well, I’ve waxed poetic long enough. We want to hear what you think!

Tell us what you thought about the episode in the comment section!

Intro

• It’s Christmas gift season! I know who’s been naughty, who’s been nice and thanks to the NSA, everything else.
• And my guest, A. Scott Berg, is a Pulitzer Prize winning author with a new biography of Woodrow Wilson. So, if you’re keeping track, that’s 2 million for Lincoln, one for Wilson.
• Researchers have developed a breathalyzer for marijuana. And…it’s already been turned into a bong.

The In-Box - Lions vs. Tigers

• Folks, tonight’s feature letter comes to us from Stephen C. No, sorry … that’s who it’s addressed to.
• Okay, anyway. The question is: “Dear Stephen, Who would win in a fight? A lion or a tiger? Please say lion. It’s important. - Timothy Daniels, Ph.D. Age 46”
• Great question, Timmy. This is a classic rivalry. One of the few I’ve never weighed in on.
• Let’s look at the facts. Lions hunt in packs. They’re used to game fights. While tigers are solitary; hunting alone. Well, I always put my money on the drifter, whether it’s big cats or bum fights. So, that’s a clear advantage for the tiger.
• Now when it comes to size, you might think the lion would win because they’re huge. They’re the second largest member of the cat family. But you know who’s first? F*cking tigers.
• Lions, folks, lions can weigh up to 550 pounds, while tigers can weigh up to 800. But they don’t look it, because the vertical stripes are slimming.
• Both lions and tigers both have tails, so that’s a wash.
• But the tiger’s lifespan is 10 to 15 years, while the lion’s is mere 10 to 14 years. So, if it comes down to it, the tiger can just wait the lion out.
• But tiger’s have almost twice the bite-force; they’re much faster. So, clearly it’s no contest. If a lion fought a tiger, the tiger would win, paws down. They got the size, they got the strength, they’ve got the stripes and now they’ve got The Colbert Bump.
• So, sorry lions. You may be king of the jungle, but tigers are king of where ever tiger’s live. Cereal aisle? (Shows picture of Tony The Tiger.)
• So that’s it for tiger verses lion.
• Now, Tiger Woods vs. Lion L. Ritchie … I don’t know. That’s a whole other segment of The In-Box.

Thought For Food - KFC’s ”Go Cup” & Powerful Yogurt

• You know I’m always on the look-out for innovations in fast food. That’s why I was so excited by this new concept in eating quickly.

Commercial for new KFC Go Cup, which is chicken and French fries together in one cup that fits in the cup holder of your car:

Officer #1: “What’s that?” Officer #2: “KFC Go Cup.” Officer #1: “That looks better than this.” *Looks down at a bag of potato chips* Heard over the police scanner: “We have a 10-31 in progress.”

• By the way, if you’re wondering what a “10-31 in progress” means - The California Highway Patrol says it’s an attempted suicide. Which, incidentally, is how the USDA classifies The Go Cup.
• The KFC sales department has nothing on the integrated marketing geniuses at Fox News.

“KFC releasing Go Cups, holding the entire combo meal - chicken and fries at easy reach. Good idea.” “The revolutionary cup is made to fit inside your car’s cup holder.”

• Folks, the KFC Go Cup is a good idea, but it could be gooder. Last time I checked the cup holder is still an arm’s length away from the old grub-shoot. And it’s not like you can put the Go Cup between your legs, cause that’s where the tub of Ben & Jerry’s goes.
• Also, effective birth control. Chills down the swimmers.
• So, tonight I am proud to introduce my own better idea: KFC’s Wheel Meat
• It’s a one-piece circular macro-nugget that mounts snuggly onto your steering column. You get two sauces - honey mustard on the left and barbecue on the right. And your chicken gets sauced through the natural course of turning.
• Next up on T For F: As a proud male grocery shopper, I am shocked by a new article in The Wall Street Journal that reports that “…men are doing a greater share of grocery shopping and meal preparation.” Even more shocking? This is not an article from 1952.
• The good - let’s call it news - is that the food industry is taking notice.

“Just how manly is your food? Yogurts, coffees, even bread - they’re injecting a little testosterone-fueled marketing into their brands.” “One of my favorite is Powerful Yogurt. They felt that the yogurt section felt overly female, so they did black and red packaging. You can see the bull’s horns (holds up Powerful Yogurt container) promoting protein.”

• Yes, bull’s horns. This yogurt is extra manly, because evidently is made from bull milk. Very difficult to acquire, but the bull will thank you.
• Powerful yogurt is just one of the many products targeted at a new breed of male shoppers that marketers are calling “manfluencers.” And I can tell you they’re very “manfluential.” They almost “manfluenced” me into thinking “manfluence” is a word.

The Neiman Marcus Christmas Book

• Anybody who watches this show is well aware Christmas is my favorite holiday. And I always get my shopping done early. That way, by Christmas morning I’ve completely forgotten what I’ve bought myself.
• But the best surprise of all, folks, is to be able to get a gift from the famous Neiman - F*ck! (drops the book.) - Neiman Marcus Christmas Book. Known for it’s lavish gifts, past catalogs have featured His and Her’s bowling alleys, a 90-minute private performance by Sir Elton John and a $35,000 dragon topiary.
• It’s the perfect place to find a gift for that person who has everything except taste.
• This year, folks, there’s something for everyone, including my news falcon, Eagleton.
• But, folks, that’s not even the best gift in here.

“Christmas is three months away now, but Neiman Marcus, they have already gotten into the holiday spirit.  First of all, you can design your own diamond ring. But not only that. You get to travel to Africa to see where this gem actually came from. The cost of that little adventure? $1.9 million.”

• Yes, for $1.9 million you get to travel to Africa to see where your diamond came from. Or for $2 million you get to see where is not came from.
• It’s all called the “Forevermark Ultimate Diamond Experience.” And it’s described as a “once-in-a-livetime adventure” that includes “…first-class tickets to…Windhoek, Namibia…”, “Dinner with DeBeers CEO Philippe Mellier” and time aboard a diamond-mining vessel “…a vessel off Namibia’s coast.” And just like diamonds, the memory of what you witness in Namibia will last forever.
• But, folks, I have to admit $1.9 million may not be within everyone’s grasp. Luckily, I’ve teamed up with Prescott Precious Stones to offer a diamond adventure at half the cost.
• For just $1 million, you can enjoy The Colbert U-Pick-’Em Blood Diamond Experience, that begins with being whisked away - whisked away in the dead of night to our exclusive mine in an undisclosed location in the Congolese Bush where you’ll get the most immersive gem-stone experience money can buy.
• Make no mistake, ‘The Colbert U-Pick-’Em Blood Diamond Experience’ is unique. You’ll never want to leave…which is good.

Interview - A. Scott Berg

Stephen: You’ve got a new one (book) here. It’s called ‘Wilson.’ This is Woodrow Wilson, right?
A. Scott Berg: It is Woodrow Wilson.
Stephen: Why Wilson? Were all the good presidents taken at this point? Why not Polk or Buchanan?
A. Scott Berg: All except the best president and that’s…
Stephen: Wilson?! Woodrow Wilson! Best president?!
A. Scott Berg: Well, I think he’s the most influential president of the 20th century, bleeding into the 21st century.
Stephen: Hitler was very influential too, sir. Was he the best president Germany ever had?
A. Scott Berg: Some say.
Stephen: Some say? Really?! Really, A. Scott Berg? What does the “A” stand for? Adolf?
A. Scott Berg: “A” stands for Andrew.

Stephen: He (Wilson) believed we should be working in concert with other nations.
A. Scott Berg: He did. He had this very strange notion that we should all sit down at a table before we go to war and maybe we could stop it before the war breaks out. That was his notion.
Stephen: What was this guy’s experience before he was President of The United States?
A. Scott Berg: Well, it was academia. He was a college professor and then a college president.
Stephen: Ivory tower…
A. Scott Berg: Well, except even there, he was trying to level the playing field within the ivory tower. He was trying to make it less of an ivory tower.
Stephen: And what school did he go to?
A. Scott Berg: That was Princeton University.
Stephen: Princeton University, okay. Has it leveled out by now? Is it an “every man” kind of college at this point?
A. Scott Berg: Every smart man and every smart woman, I might add.
Stephen: Okay, did you go to Princeton?
A. Scott Berg: Yes!
Stephen: I like your style.

Stephen: Alright, what’s going to be the lasting legacy of Wilson? Is there anything in Obama that we see from Wilson?
A. Scott Berg: Well, I think there are a lot of things we see in Obama. Although, I think he could take a few pages out of the Wilson playbook. And that is having more of a conversation with the Congress and with the country, for that matter.

Sign Off - “The Heart of Giving”