EPISODE NUMBER: 9121 (June 27, 2013)
GUEST: Chuck Schumer
SEGMENTS: 4th of July Under Attack | Stephen Colbert’s Big Gay Roundup | Immigration & the Gang of Eight
SUIT REPORT: Grey Pinstripe Suit | White Shirt | Sky Blue Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 27, 2013

Let’s absorb Stephen’s shining joy on this last night before the July 4th break and take it into the holiday week. There was a lot of shining joy in the opening. As you can see I couldn’t decide which of Stephen’s poses to put in the opening, so I picked ‘em all:

I’m sure Stephen and the crew were excited about the upcoming break. I am, about mine, I mean. Are you all doing anything interesting? mm-hmm. Yup. Sounds good. I’d go with a tangy honey sauce.

Oh sorry! I got distracted. Onto the show.

4th of July Under Attack

Stephen’s happy that the 4th of July is coming up next week. He always has a big party with hot dogs and his best friend LouDog comes over.

How awesome is the graphic of Mayor Bloomberg? I had to rewind the whole segment and watch it again because I couldn’t stop laughing at it. Turns out he wants to ban the sale of those sparklers that kids like to use on the night of the 4th, because they could end up in the hands of terrorists.

“I try to like everybody but there is one person I despise with a passion, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. He has repeatedly attacked our smokers, he’s attacked our Big Gulps, and now he’s attacked our time-honored patriotic traditions.”

So in the spirit of civil disobedience, Stephen gets his fire marshal Frank to light up a sparkler complete with flame absorbent beard and all.

Frank will be missed. He is survived by his wife……

Snippet of Stephen’s remembrance of Frank:

“He really lit up a room. You know he had to wear the beard right? Here, let’s remember him with a sparkler”

Frank’s wife Mary will be missed. She is survived by her kids.

Snippet of Stephen’s remembrance of Frank and his wife, Mary:

“If it weren’t for Mayor Bloomberg, I could’ve extinguished your parents, but my soda was only 16oz. Here, go play with some sparklers, but remember to use them under parental supervis…OH…they’ll be fine”

Stephen Colbert’s Big Gay Roundup

“I’d like to thank my friend, international movie star, Steve Carell for never asking me how I would use that footage.”

In case you don’t know what it was from originally, check this out.

First up on the Gay Roundup, The AMA is pushing The American Red Cross to lift it’s ban on gay men donating blood. I think that’s a good thing, for no other reason than it may cut down on all the paperwork and hoops you have to jump through to donate blood. Hopefully.

“Folks, allowing gay people to donate blood is an endorsement of the gay lifestyle. In fact, I’m pretty sure a gay blood transfusion is how you get gay.”

I think it’s a step in the right direction, personally.

Next on the roundup…watch out for the whip Stephen…

“As a true American, I love Disney. Mostly because all things are owned by Disney.”

A Disney show called “Good Luck Charlie” will feature an episode where Charlie has a play date with a kid who has two mommies.

“TWO  MOMS! They’ll probably be having their own play-date, with crayons and construction paper, or as they call it, scissoring.”

All the family groups are up in arms of course, saying that Disney is promoting the gay lifestyle and that “Walt Disney must be spinning in his grave” (TPN)

“Yes, or at the very least, someone has put his frozen head on a Lazy Susan”

“I demand that you drop this ‘two mommies’ plot and go back to teaching our kids wholesome messages, like teaching children that they can be a princess if they let a man make out with them while they’re drugged…”

“…or that there’s nothing wrong with bestiality if a candle says it’s okay.”

Immigration & the Gang of Eight

Immigration reform was voted on by the Senate and …. IT PASSED! The Senate did something! Huzzah!

“Immigration reform has passed the Senate. I didn’t think that bill had a chance in Congress, in that it was a bill in Congress.”

The so-called ‘Gang of Eight’ helped get the bill up to vote. Who are the Gang of Eight? Well, Stephen has put together a lovely “Ocean’s Eleven” style trailer of sorts to introduce them, including John McCain, the maverick and Lindsey Graham, the seductress and Bob Menendez, the maybe Mexican plus:

They put in security measures like a “Border Surge” which doubles the border patrol to an agent every 1,000 feet. Stephen wants one every three feet so they can “link arms and call out ‘red rover, red rover, don’t let Francisco come over'”.

So to answer for the madness that is the Immigration Bill, Stephen interviews Chuck Schumer.

Interview - Chuck Schumer

The interview was done in the afternoon, before the vote was taken, so…they were kind of assuming that it would pass.

He covers his mouth so they can edit in the votes it got. I wonder who that guy is who said it?

Stephen: Charles Schumer, or should I call you Carlos Schumer?
Sen. Schumer: Charles is good.

He was predicting that every Democrat and a large number of Republicans would vote for it.

Stephen: By the time this airs, what’s your estimate of how many illegal immigrants will have been granted amnesty and voted for a Democrat?
Sen. Schumer: Well, none yet, but the bill provides a path to citizenship…
Stephen: it’s amnesty.
Sen. Schumer: well, they have to work hard, they have to learn English…
Stephen: It’s sham-nesty sir, it’s a slice of ham-nesty, it’s raspberry jam-nesty, it’s wham-bam-thank-you-maam-nesty. I’ve got a rhyming dictionary and I’m not afraid to use it.

He reveals all the great technology that we now use to detect when illegals cross the border.

Stephen: You are the leader of the ‘Gang of Eight’?
Sen. Schumer: John McCain and I have been called the two leaders.
Stephen: Are there other gangs on the Senate floor, like crips or bloods? If you throw the wrong gang sign, could John Cornyn cut a bitch?

Stephen: Do you guys have any gang tattoos? Do you guys get, like a tear tatt for every bill you pass?
Sen. Schumer: We’re not going to show you our tattoos.

Stephen lights up a sparkler innocently until…

Hope Stephen and the crew have a wonderful 4th week!! Come back rested and tan! Don’t eat too many hot dogs!