EPISODE NUMBER: 9117 (June 20, 2013)
GUEST: Joss Whedon
SEGMENTS: Intro-6/20/13 | Iran’s Presidential Election | Steve King on Chicken Cages | Nestle’s Resource Spring Water | Sign Off - Paper Towel Tube Cage
SUIT REPORT: Silky grey suit jacket | Powder blue shirt | Dark blue diamond dotted tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 20, 2013
“Tonight…A prominent republican speaks out on animal rights. Boy, they are getting desperate for voters. Then, a brand new kind of water. Get ready for H-3-O. Then, my guest Joss Whedon is the creator of Buffy, Firefly and Dollhouse. The interview will be critically acclaimed but get cancelled halfway through. A new study says 70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk to your doctor about Cymbalta. This is The Colbert Report”
That’s a good one. Working for the Whedon.
Wait, did Stephen just call Steve King a ‘prominent Republican’? He’s far too kind.
That is depressing. 70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. I’m sure the drug companies are happy with that number. Although they may be saying, “only 70%?”
Iran’s Presidential Election
”If news wants me to care about it, it should’ve planned ahead and happened in America, okay? Think!”
Mahmoud Ahme-I don’t wear a tie-ijad (was that one done already?) has been voted out and a more moderate guy has been voted in.
”Ahme-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-hey-hey-hey-ijad.”
Here is one other mispronunciation of Ahmedinejad that wasn’t in the montage.
“Mahmoud has been known for some offensive choices, like wanting to wipe Israel off the face of the map, denying the holocaust, and never wearing a tie with a suit. Evidently they don’t have Father’s Day over there.”
Stephen and Mahmoud have been feuding since 2006 when he was promised the cover of Newsweek, but Mahmoud didn’t want to be outdone so he developed nukes just to get on that very cover of Newsweek, pushing Stephen into the top corner of the cover. That’s okay, Stephen knows the best revenge is living well.
“Seven years later, Mahmoud’s gone, Newsweek’s gone and look who’s still here?”
“I’m just glad Rowhani is easier to say than Ahmedinejad…WAIT!! I just did it! Oh come back…oh well, it’s too late now. Now that this (Mahmoud) atrocity is history I’ll just do what he would do and deny he ever happened.”
Steve King on Chicken Cages
I know he is a favorite punching bag of Stephen’s but I could definitely stand to give up this source of material if it meant he is voted out of Congress. I mean, did he get attacked by rabid squirrels or something when he was a kid? Why the hatred toward animals?
He voted against rescuing animals from disaster areas.
“Hey dogs are safe in a tornado. As long as they chase their tails in the opposite direction of the wind funnel, it can’t suck them up. That’s science.”
King doesn’t think states should be required to make chicken cages larger.
“Where in Iowa are chicken farmers supposed to put these larger cages? I’m sorry, but Iowa is already filled to the brim with empty”
I have to admit, the paper towel cage made me cringe a little because of something that I once saw on a TV show, but I won’t go into detail here.
”She’s free range, look at her go”
”Later we do trust falls in front of a deep fryer.”
Nestle’s Resource Spring Water
That Nestle guy is super creepy. Wasn’t that the plot of Spaceballs? taking over the world’s water supply? No, wait that was air. Never mind.
Resource is a new bottled water that is aimed toward women. They have made this ad launching the product with ballet and people flying in harnesses.
“I would never drink Resource water, because I’m a dude. There’s water made for men. It’s called Beer”
I guess Nestle’s super weird CEO thought there wasn’t enough types of bottled water on the market. He also thinks that people should have to pay for water.
We kinda do, I mean, I pay my water bill. I guess what he is getting at is that water shouldn’t be a basic human right that everyone is entitled to. It should be privatized.
“He’s right, without putting a price on it, how would we know we need water?”
Joss Whedon
It’s J-O-S-S. Not Josh. It’s Chinese.
He has branched out into Shakespeare. His new film is “Much Ado About Nothing” and he shot the clip they showed in his own house. He did it on a micro-budget.
Stephen: Nice to meet you, I’m a big fan of your work.
Joss: As am I….Your work. I’m a fan of your work.
Stephen: I’m a fan of my work as well.
He gave away a little about the Avengers 2, but not enough to spoil it. It was about Iron Man.
Oh man, the chicken pep talk was hilarious. Always Be Chickens!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+6
Stephen finally learned how to pronounce Ahmadinejad, just as Iran says good-bye to him! Na-na-na!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+5
The chicken tube was truly terrifying and hilarious at the same time. Can someone explain to me how on earth is Steve King still in Congress again? I have not been fond of him since he first was made known to the Colb-nation - during Stephen’s testimony before Congress. His attention to catering to agriculture industry’s unethical treatment of livestock really gets my goat.
I really like Joss Whedon. He recently did a pretty epic commencement address at his alma mater, and there was a quote from it that really stood apart: “Identity is something you’re constantly earning, not something that you are.”
TIP OF THE HAT!
+7
What a disgusting piece of filth Steve King is. Just when I thought he couldn’t get any more hateable. His only redeeming quality is that he’s made for some hilarious segments. When Stephen rolled the chicken tube across the desk, I lost it.
It was great to see Stephen in good spirits. Hope he’s able to have a nice rest this weekend, I’m sure he could use it.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+8
Yeah, Steve King….oh wait…..I just got that joke. “chicken ala King”. Whack! That one just snuck up this minute and hit me on the back of the head…anyway, he needs to go. He and that Nestle guy should go off together and figure out how to make more money in a new country that doesn’t involve me and where I live in the good ol’ USA.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+6