EPISODE NUMBER: 9075 (March, 26, 2013)
GUESTS: Dr. Eric Topol
SEGMENTS: GOP Growth & Opportunity Project | The Word - Narcicitizenship | Stephen Colbert Is Watching Your Kids - Whale Bone Porn | Eric Topol | Sign Off - Medical Smartphone
STAFF CAMEO: Sweetness
SUIT REPORT: Red patterned tie | White Shirt | Black Suit
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Will Dr. Eric Topol creatively destroy medicine on the show today? Got your smart phone on you? …WOW, great show! Updated!

Stephen’s Suit Review: Crisp white dress shirt with grid hash pattern, broad, barrel cuffs and classic spread collar cradling a stunning, cock-comb red tie beautifully knotted in a four-in-hand all framed in a stunning, mortician-black suit. Yes, and you are handsome too, Grandpa.

GOP Growth & Opportunity Project

Stephen reported that the GOP realized their campaign was DOA on November 6th, 2012 so they did a autopsy on the lifeless thing. They determined that even though there were various causes of death, their best strategy was to not do anything about it but to just change how they talked about it. So, Rience Priebus, aka ‘Unsolved Jumble Puzzle,’ led the charge by calling for committee formation, endless focus group research and paid campaigners shoved into ‘those peoples’” communities to spread the word. Clearly a totally sincere engagement on the part of the RNC. They also determined that the Republican platform didn’t speak to the youth of America. Again, without actually changing their platform, they figured just talking about in on The Daily Show and The Colbert Report should do the trick. The crowd went wild! Stephen Colbert is stunned by this massive, Republican, man hug. All of this praising of the young led to the best pun of the night, “If you come on my show, you will reach the youth or as I say, you’ll get youth-enized!” Then he encourages Reince Priebus to come on his show. Do it, Be Prurience Is

Now, Stephen doesn’t want this California Marriage Ban and the DOMA conversations at the Supreme Court to put Gays on the same status level as Sweetness. Surely, two people of the same gender loving each other can’t be as heartwarming as having a gun in your holster, know what I mean?

The Word - Narcicitizenship

No, that would be so crazy! As crazy as a Drake messing with a Cockerel and getting Rooster to show for it! [Note to self: invest in paternity tests, this blows the lid of the possibilities]

The Gaymagedon is appearing before the Supreme Court predicatively as Stephen says, “in oral arguments.” Fearing the worst, Stephen shares that support for same sex marriage is “surging like Ryan Gosling, in my dreams.” THAT deserves a screen pic and a moment of silence as all fangirls fan themselves.

This effort to redefine marriage brought us to tonight’s WORD! Just like with Truthiness, Stephen clearly invents a new word to describe the empathy-lacking political citizenship: don’t care if it isn’t about me, Narcicitizenship

So glad that our Supreme Court Judges are socially aware and diversity conscious. Justice Alito says, “Same Sex Marriages are …

And Saxby Chambliss (or as Stephen says, “the sound Bill Cosby makes when he is rising from a chair” or as I might say after I have hit my thumb with a hammer), implies as long he isn’t gay, all things gay don’t count. So glad we have such enlightened politicians in power. But then, like Reince Priebrus, if you had to endure Kindergarten with a name like that, you would be bitter too.

Stephen Colbert Is Watching Your Kids - Whale Bone Porn

Protecting kids from Whale Bone Porn, well do we need to say more. Okay, we’ll say more. He told us how to figure out your Whale Bone Porn name: pick your favorite character from a whale story with your favorite Rock Lobster dish; Stephen’s Harpoon-tang Porn name is Ishmael Unlimited Shrimp, which made him giggle. I think I might go with Captain Boomer Steak Tartare! What’s yours?

Surely have to protect our kids from Scrimshawing their whale bones, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Yes, another break, ha! (Possibly NSFW Scrimshaw).Stephen giggles and declares, “Thar she blows!” Eric Topol

As you saw in the CNH post on the matter, Dr. Eric Topol was the guest on this show. He tweeted that he really likes the show and wanted very much to discuss his destruction of medicine with Stephen. He proceed to do this by handing the diagnosis reigns over to Siri on the SmartPhone. Here, Stephen asks Siri if he is dying; she was hoping for more billable tests by sharing “I can not say.” Where have you heard that before.

Somehow, Dr. Topol got Stephen’s sinus rhythm though he attributed it to Stephen’s pace maker. No, Dr. Topol, Stephen is not Dick Chaney.

Stephen pointed out that what happens when Big Brother gets a hold of this remote monitoring. Surely, they will sell your data to the highest bidder like Target sends out pregnancy product coupons to teenagers.

Dr. Topol said that they have a way to monitor data that could predict a heart attack as much as two weeks before it happens. Then the Grim Reaper turns up on your ring tone. Hey, if anything will induce a heart attack, surely, hearing the Grim Reaper breathing down your neck will. Then somehow, Dr. Topol converted his Smartphone into a ear-scope and inspected Stephen’s ear drum which Stephen admitted to blowing out while diving this break. Everyone cheered when they saw his ear drum to which Stephen called out the best quote of the night, “It’s my ear drum not my ass!” Sign Off - Medical Smartphone