EPISODE NUMBER: 9045 (January 16, 2013)
GUESTS: Tom Brokaw | Matt Taibbi
SEGMENTS: Healthy Fake Smiles | HSBC Laundering Charges-Matt Taibbi | Pat Robertson’s Romance Advice | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White Striped shirt | Blue/black striped tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 16, 2013
“A Utah smoothie shop has been charging an extra fee to liberal customers. That’s gotta sting for Utah’s liberal. This is the Colbert Report!”
Healthy Fake Smiles
I love seeing Stephen smile even if it is fake. He reported a study that claims that forcing a smile can help reduce stress. Sure. Well, at least we got some nice smilage out of it for a minute or two.
When he starts reading the news, he employs the study’s advice. Stories about dangerous airplanes and the President of Egypt calling Jews ‘Zionist bloodsuckers’ make it easy to force a smile. Then when he reads about a study that says people who suppress their anger live shorter lives than people who don’t he goes from this:
and that makes him happy.
HSBC Laundering Charges-Matt Taibbi
“It’s time to stop demonizing the banks”-Larry Kudlow.
“That’s right, it’s time to stop demonizing the banks. After all, they haven’t destroyed the world economy in over four years.”
Well, hopefully Kudlow changes his talking point after this story. HSBC has been laundering money for Mexican drug cartels and illegal transactions in Iran and many other countries. Well, surely the individuals responsible for this have gone to jail, right?
Or perhaps a fine?
“Once they were caught, HSBC was slammed with a $1.9b fine. 1.9 billion!! Do you have any idea how long it would take HSBC to earn that back? Four weeks! I mean you could take the Special K challenge twice.”
Apparently that’s what HSBC makes in 4 weeks time. Must be nice.
Matt Taibbi has written an article for “The Rolling Stone”. (“one magazine that still exists”)
He came on to basically say that we’ve let the banks get too big. He says they are above the law and someone who pees in an alley will get a bigger punishment than the gents at HSBC.
“but if you pee in 800 million alleys you will have destabilized the urine market.”
Stephen: You called Goldman Sachs a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity. So you’re an objective journalist. What mollusk would you use to describe HSBC?
Matt: When I said that I got a lot of flack from zoologists who said I was slandering that particular animal so I’m going to lay off that animal.
This is one of those really depressing stories that makes you want to tear your hair out. This next one is just…
Pat Robertson’s Romance Advice
*facepalm*
Just when you think ol’ Pat is starting to make some sense… he actually argued for the legalization of marijuana awhile back, then he says that women are to blame for failing marriages because they don’t look good enough.
A young 17 year old wrote to the 700 club and was concerned because his mom was lonely and his dad is always on the computer.
“of course, the subtext is ‘my dad keeps hogging the Xbox 360′”
Pat is telling a story about a woman who asks a minister about how to get her husband to stop drinking. The minister says, ‘If I were married to you, I would be drinking too.’ As he is saying this, he is sitting with a female co-host. Gotta love Pat!
“C’mon, ladies if you want your man’s attention you’ve gotta stop being so slatternly, right after you check a 19th century dictionary to find out what slatternly means”
“If you want to revive your marriage, you’ve gotta live up to the beauty standards this man has set. I mean, just look at that eye candy…well…eye pudding.”
Hey, Pat’s only following what Jesus said:
Tom Brokaw
Mr. B thinks that the audience is on amphetamines and one-ups Stephen everytime he travels. Stephen goes fly fishing in New Zealand and Tom goes fly fishing in (where? I guess it’s in Russia) with Gorbachev. Next he’s going on a bike trip to Patagonia.
Well, I’m going to the mall to buy a Patagonia jacket, so there.
He speaks about Obama’s next term.
Stephen: There are people calling for (Obama’s) impeachment.
Tom: There are people calling for that and it’s not going to happen.
Stephen: Really? Clinton was.
Tom: Yes and there was an entirely different reason for that.
Stephen: That wasn’t executive overreach, that was more underreach, if you know what I mean.
I enjoyed this interview. He told a story about meeting President Obama. He was with his daughter and his daughter said to Obama, “Mr. President, I was with you at the beginning and I’m still with you”. Obama put his arm around her and said, “Talk to your dad”.
Stephen: Are white people going to be the minority?
Tom: Not for awhile but…
Stephen: okay, just checking. That’s good.
when SC started talking with TB he says…
“Speaking of Tom Brokaw, you’ve been, you are him and you’ve been him for years now and as a “?” of the news business…”
What word did he use - i can’t make it out
Thanks
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
I really enjoyed the Matt Taibbi interview/segment. I’m a big fan of Taibbi’s iconoclastic journalism, so it pleases me to no end that he can go on to TCR and just bliss out laughing at all the things “Stephen” says, while still getting his point across.
For me, all those awful thing that Pat Robertson said seem worthwhile with the introduction of the phrase, “eye pudding.” At last! I have a condition to aspire too.
I also loved how you can hear the anchor thing in the background groaning and despairing as though she says, “How do I get my bat-sh!T crazy boss to shut-up!”
TIP OF THE HAT!
+5
@Jazzman
A fancy vocabulary, our Stephen has!
He said “mandarin.” From merriam-webster.com: “a person of position and influence often in intellectual or literary circles; especially : an elder and often traditionalist or reactionary member of such a circle”
TIP OF THE HAT!
+5
@Mariana312
that’s what i thought he said but couldn’t find that definition - looked further just now and there it is - thanks for the reply!
i have a rule - if i hear a word i don’t know the exact meaning of i look it up (this internet thing is AMAZING!) - this was a new usage of the word for me - thank you again!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
@Jazzman, you know you can turn on the “closed captioning” if you are unsure of what you hear.
Did anyone advise Tom Brokaw of his choice of glasses? Have to say, STC’s tie was exquisite that night.
Loved that STC taunted TB with “grow a pair” LOL, who else could say that with such affection! And the Damocles reference was inspired.
Have a big time on your Patagonia Bike Trip, TB! If you need a sag-wagon driver, give me a call!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
@ Elanor
Tried CC but it said his words were “man drin” (2 words) - close but still threw me - got the answer now but thanks for the reply and the suggestion
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
Another odd aside from the CC stream for this episode - at about 16;20 Colbert is attributed in the CC as saying “…that is countermanning the second amendment” - so CC can lead one astray if relied upon as accurate captioning - a very demanding and difficult job to be sure, I’m glad someone does it - i certainly wouldn’t even want to attempt it!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
@Mr. Arkadin
Mr. A, I thought the Taibbi segment was awesome. A really fine dialogue between two smart-and very quick-witted!-men. Really excellent.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+3
@Jazzman
CC is really not wonderful on either Stephen’s or Jon’s. I discovered that at one point when I had an ear infection and needed to use it. One problem is that it’s just too slow. If the joke depends on the juxtaposition of word and an accompanying image, it’s a disaster. The image is gone by the time closed captioning comes up. Really ruins the punchline.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2