EPISODE NUMBER: 9009 (October 15, 2012)
GUESTS: Evan Thomas
SEGMENTS: Supersonic Space Jump | Tip/Wag - Norway & American Family Association | Monkey on the Lam - Florida - Monkey on the Gram | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Blue/white striped tie
VIDEOS: Monday, October 15, 2012

More to come, we promise. Comment strong! [Updated]

Intro

• Tonight! This week’s nobel prize winners are announced. I can’t wait to see which economist won the swimsuit competition.

• Then an update about a criminal on the loose in Florida, That’s right, I am on to you, half of Florida.

• And my guest Evan Thomas says that Dwight D. Eisenhower was the father of modern nuclear policy….that we know of.

• The inventor of the cardboard bike says that it will change the world…provided that “change” includes “never raining again.”

Supersonic Space Jump

• You know me, I love seeing mankind overcome obstacles. That’s why I am always pushing chairs in front of people.

This proves that our days of exploration are not over, because WE DID IT. We put A MAN ON THE EARTH.

• It’s a brave same world.

• And folks millions around the world tuned in for this historic event and/or hideously gruesome death.

• But the real victory here went not to the man who plummeted from the mezzo-sphere without being turned into a face suit full of wet dog food, no. The day truly belong to his corporate sponsor Red Bull.

• It’s perfect synergy. Red Bull gives you wings. And Baumgartner flew to the sun like Icarus. I never finished that story, Icarus had a parachute, right?

Tip/Wag - Norway & American Family Association

• If you know me, you know I am not big on gossip, because between you and me, gossip is a two-faced bitch. This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger!

• I am awarding the “wag of my finger” to Norway, for whom they selected to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

A nice little rant here:

How about one for the United States of America? Because I seem to remember someone putting an end to a couple of dust ups Europe started: oh yeah, World War I and World War II. No biggie, we have plenty of time, digging ourselves out of the Great Depression.

Oh, and who spent billions on military bases all over Europe to keep the Communists from boot-stomping your waffle stands and Vespa dealerships? Oh yeah, we did.

You should have called Norway. You seem to be on great terms with those guys.

• Well you know what, maybe the United States should just take the next global conflict off, keep us and our massive peacekeeping military at home. Maybe give ourselves a “People’s Choice Award.”

• While I am no fan of education, I believe our schools can teach our children one thing: it can teach them their place in the social pecking order, because the table you sit at for lunch, is the table you will sit at for the rest of your life.

• I sat with the most popular group, the A.V. club; and now, I work in both audio and video.

• Don’t fall for it, kids. “Mix-it-up-at-lunch Day” is an attempt to erase all the proper social boundaries. We’re not just talking about jocks sitting with nerds, but also sitting with dorks and losers and lame-os and spazzes. And for what, mutual understanding? That sounds like what some twerp from the model U.N. would say.

Exactly….”Mix It Up Day” promotes the homosexual lifestyle. It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Dweeb.

• It’s a devious plot. Get kids to learn that despite our outward differences, we are all pretty much the same? That leads to open-mindedness, which leads to open-pantsedness, and then next thing you know, Timmy and Bobby are making monkey butter.

Monkey on the Lam - Florida - Monkey on the Gram

• Nation, whoever coined the phrase, “as fun as a barrel of monkeys,” never had to hose out a 50 gallon drum of Bonobo-filth. This is Monkey on the Lam!

• Nation, for 7 years now I’ve been bringing you the latest in monkey-fugitive news, that the cowards in the lemur-stream media won’t touch. Now I don’t do it for the Peabodys, although it is nice when somebody acknowledges your work, No, I do it because I am looking out for you, my higher primate viewers.

• That’s right. They’re calling it the “Mystery Monkey.” Instead of catching the Simian Psycho, they gave it a nickname. And worse, the name wasn’t “Simian Psycho. Now what am I supposed to do with all of these T-shirts?

Folks, the people of St. Petersburg have ignored my selfless attempts to Macack-block them.

• Sure, not really an attack, both sides freaked out. At this point, who knows who started it, maybe the old lady jumped out of the tree?!?

We cannot let this monkey go around mauling innocent seniors. Unless that’s a social security plan Mitt Romney’s not telling us about.

Interview

The subject matter of nuclear weaponry was quite interesting, and it was nice to have someone as knowledgeable about Eisenhower as Evan Thomas to discuss. Do check it out.

SC: Turns out Ike was a huge pussy. He was afraid of going toe-to-toe with the Ruskies in nuclear annihilation.

Thomas: He was not. He was brave, he was a brave soldier. But he didn’t want to fight wars, he wanted to bluff the Russians. 1950s, communism was on the march, Eisenhower wanted to stop it, but he didn’t want to fight a nuclear war against them.

SC: He was the Supreme Allied Commandder of WW II. He knew that we won WWII with nuclear bombs, or did that escape his attention?

Thomas: …he saw what nuclear bombs can do, and he didn’t want to use them.

***

SC: Why, as a general, was he so hesitant to use massive military force?

Thomas: Because he used it, he’d seen it, and he had seen the effects of it. After WWII he flew in a small plane from Berlin to Moscow, and over the roofs…and he didn’t see a single building left standing. He knew what war could do. He knew how horrible it was.

SC: Is this why we shouldn’t elect generals anymore?

SC: Guys like Romney and George W. Bush who didn’t serve in a war, still have the balls to send people to go into fight.

Thomas: Sometimes the most dangerous guys are the ones who haven’t been to war. They call them “Chicken Hawks.”

SC: Proud one right here, unfortunately I am deaf in one ear, otherwise I would have fought in many, many wars.

***

SC: Sometimes you have to nuke the village to save it.

***
SC: Ike warned us about the military industrial complex. What did he mean by that?

Thomas: He means the military sometimes exaggerates threats, because they want more money to build more weapons, so military contractors get more money…[Ike] wanted to dial that back, and he was worried that civilian politicians, who didn’t know better, would get sucked in by the military.

***
Thomas:[If he were alive today, Ike] would not want Iran to get the bomb.

****
SC: Ike was a moderate Republican. For our younger audience, what are those?

Thomas: Ike did not dismantle the New Deal. Ike preserved that, and he knew to do long term things, like build the highways because he knew the economy needed it, even though he was not a fan of big government.

SC: Which of the candidates are more like him, Romney or Obama?

Thomas: Neither.

Sign Off - Goodnight