EPISODE NUMBER: 8150 (September 18, 2012)
GUESTS: Jeff Toobin
SEGMENTS: USA Today’s Logo Redesign | Mitt Romney’s Secret Video | Tip/Wag - Apple-Samsung Lawsuit & Tabloid Clash
SUIT REPORT: Navy pinstriped suit | White Shirt | Mustard and Navy/light blue striped tie | Top hat & tails
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 18, 2012
To the (let’s just say “fun”) pit!!! And shrimp thrown hastily at the 47%!
Tonight’s raucous episode featured a segment dedicated to Stephen’s favorite print publication, The USA Today. (I think his second favorite is The New York Post, what with its “Snooki corners” and all.) It baffles the mind how a man of such intellectual sophistication derives so much meaning from a paper most commonly slipped beneath your hotel room’s door, but his take on the new circle logo redesign was hilarious.
I think we can call time on the presidential election, like, now. Although there are people who are always going to vote for the conservative candidate no matter what, insulting and alienating your constituency before they have gotten the opportunity to elect you is not good for your chances.
What is good is that these gaffes allow Stephen to do what he does best, animating and illustrating the ridiculous concepts - all whilst wearing fine clothes and throwing shellfish at people.
What did you think of the episode? Sound off in the comments.
Intro
- Tonight! New trouble for the Romney campaign. Get ready for the Rafalca sex tape.
- And, a major legal victory for Apple. But it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months.
- Then, my guest Jeffrey Toobin is here to talk about Obama’s relationship with the Supreme Court. I hear it’s under the robe, over the gavel.
- Walmart is turning fifty years old. It’s finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. This is The Colbert Report!
USA Today’s Logo Redesign
- (speaking to audience) Sometimes I think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel.
- I have always been against change. That’s why I am solidly against transformers, shrinky dinks, and air caterpillars. Oh, and don’t tell me you’ve always felt like a butterfly trapped in a larvae’s body, it’s unnatural!
- In a digital era, where print media is struggling, USA Today is focusing its energy where it counts: the logo.
“Serendipitously, this is also a pie chart showing the number of people confused by The USA Today’s new logo.”
- Kramer calls this a living logo, the first one since they had to put down the MGM lion, after he ate those Munchkins.
- …this red dot wearing a cowboy hat, which I am going to say is representing the sport of tomato rodeo.
- But from now on, when news breaks that circular in nature, The USA Today will be all over it folks, whether it be about planets, tractor tires, the Wheel of Fortune, pizzas, bagels, pizza bagels, or Ceelo Green’s head.
“Although if Spongebob Squarepants ever chokes on a Dorito at the Pentagon, you won’t read about it in The USA Today.”
A Graphic Graphic: “So bravo USA Today for your bold redesign - where every logo, of every section, will be changed every day, to reflect a different news story - in circular form. Until next week when we see the headline….”
Mitt Romney’s Secret Video
- Folks, Mitt Romney has been dogged all week by his handling of the Libya crises, but yesterday the Romney people shifted gears to change the game.
- Well I am happy to say that by last night, no one was focused on Libya any more.
- Shaken to say the least. Vomiting blood to say the most. But still, no Libya! That’s a victory.
- I believe in Russian, that is called “Pair-a-stroka.”
- …let’s hear it straight from the horse owner’s mouth.
- Finally, a candidate with the courage to say that half of all Americans are freeloaders who believe they are entitled to food.
- We job creators know that there is no such thing as a “free lunch.” Lunch is $50,000 a plate.
- Folks, this is not a crisis for Romney, this is a triumph, because Mitt nailed it! Obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites. (points to image of Oprah) Get a job!
- It’s not just the welfare queens Mitt’s talking about, get this, the 47% who don’t pay income tax are mostly “elderly, children, and the working poor,” and “U.S. military personnel deployed to war zones…” See, Romney mentioned the troops in a speech!
- But the liberal hounds of course, went after Mitt like a poor person going after a basic need.
“So Romney threw his second hasty press conference in one week, I believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flags mounted to his back.”
- Of course it’s a message that he wants to carry, but the only problem is that calling half of America mindless moochers wasn’t said elegantly.
- Once again, I will fix the problem. Now I will deliver Mitt’s core message, but this time with a little more panache.
- Maria! (Maria comes running on with her cello.)
Distinguished colleagues, guests, madames and messieurs, swarthy people bringing us our Amuse-bouche - greetings and salutations, what a lovely evening. I of course want to thank Mark Leder for having us to his lovely home - I hope to see you all later in the Russian f**k pit. (audience erupts)
Now, as you know, as you know, we gathered here this evening because I have agreed to accept the presidency. But unfortunately almost half, two score and seven percent, will vote for my opponent, that socialist hot-and-tot!!! But what could one do? These people are just greedy parasites, sucking on the withered teat of Lady Liberty. Oh, how their hunger knows no bounds! Winslow! (claps hands) bring me the shrimp, and the mindless masses!
“It’s so sad! Take responsibility for your lives.” “Oh, Winslow, Winslow, take them away! They depress me and they smell like shrimp. Out, out!”
“What did I say, they’ll never vote for me. Anyway, thank you for all the cash. To the f**k pit! I call topsies!”
Tip/Wag - Apple-Samsung Lawsuit & Tabloid Clash
- Folks, I want you to let go of your prejudices, and then replace them with mine. This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger!
Apple-Samsung Lawsuit
- Folks, I am an apple devotee. In fact, I was thrilled to see a jury award one billion dollars to Apple in a patent lawsuit against Samsung, who shamelessly stole a proprietary Apple design breakthrough.
“That’s right, Apple holds a patent on rectangles with rounded corners. That’s in addition to the patent they already hold on the condescending look they give people with Blackberries.”
- Which is why I am giving a big Tip of my Hat to Apple, for cornering the market on rounded corners.
“Now some people say this is an example of a failed patent system ill-equipped for modern intellectual property. But those people are just squares - squares who had better have exactly equal sides or they’ll be hearing from Apple’s lawyers.”
“What bold, non-Euclidian shapes will manufacturers be forced to come up with to avoid rounded rectangles?”
Tabloid Clash
“Next folks, the publishing industry has fallen on desperate times, which, by the way, is the new name of ‘The USA Today.'”
- Tonight, I am issuing twin wags of my fingers to Life & Style and Us Weekly. I know, the big dogs.
- Nation, if one wears it best, it logically follows they also rocked it….I count on (the media) to tell me which lady I don’t know out-dressed which woman I vaguely recognize from something.
- America is a country of clear winners and losers. We the people demand to know who is the princess, and who looked like a hunch-backed sow covered in her own filth.
- So, get it together, super market tabloids! Because if your journalistic standards fall much further, you might as well go work for Newsweek.
Interview
- My guest tonight is here to talk about Obama’s relationship with the Supreme Court. It’s kind of a “he said, she said, he said, she said, she said, he said, he said, he said, he said nothing.”
- SC: Has Clarence Thomas spoken in this past year?
- JT: Not for six and a half years.
- SC: Has anyone held a mirror under his nose to see if it fogs up.
- JT: He is very much alive. He speaks outside of the court.
***
- SC: Will the court rule that we cannot show pictures of Princess Kate’s boobs?
***
- SC: (On the prospects of the Court expanding the bounds of Citizens United) Go farther? What is it I can’t do legally now? I run a cockfighting ring out of an orphanage! Is that not legal yet, because if not, I should talk to a lawyer.
- JT: They are going to…[maybe] allow direct contributions to campaigns, unlimited - you have to have your Super PAC, which is at least “fictionally separate”-
- SC: It is absolutely separate from something.
Sign Off
I love that Stephen seemed surprised and happy when he managed to throw the shrimp into someone’s mouth. That segment was hilarious and a perfectly executed way for Stephen to address the newest controversy surrounding Mitt. Absolutely perfect.
Oh The USA Today when they wake up today and see what Stephen has done they are going to be mighty embarrassed. At least I hope they will be. My favorite was the Sports page circle. What? You couldn’t think of another round thing involving sports???? A baseball, a basketball, soccer? Oh the list goes on.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
*sticks fingers in ears* LALALALALALA Haven’t seen it yet, don’t tell me!!
I saw that cover pic of him in the tux…. adorable. Can’t wait to find out what that’s about.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
Let’s start a petition for Stephen to dress like that every show. The dressage uniform is evidently wearing off on him…not that I’m complaining!
Tip of the Hat!
+3
I would sign. He looks so good in the Victorian style clothes. The Pride and Prejudice fan in me rejoices.
Tip of the Hat!
+2
“Pride and Prejudice” isn’t Victorian — it’s Georgian! Sorry. Must say that because I love Austen and hate the Victorians!
Tip of the Hat!
+1
Okay, if anyone can tell me who that guy is who played “Winslow”, the butler guy who threw Stephen the shrimp at the end, I will come to your house and throw shrimp in your mouth.(maybe)
At the taping I went to last month, I even asked that peppy blonde audience lady (whom I think was one of the “masses” having shrimp thrown at her) who he was and she said, “I don’t know” which was an odd answer.
What does he really do on the show besides make an occasional on-air appearance and appear as the goofy guy in a lot of the graphics? Anyone know?
Tip of the Hat!
+1
Honestly, I was trying to figure out who he was too, but am stumped. *bad blogger*
Tip of the Hat!
+1
NOT bad blogger. NOT! I think he’s Stephen’s mystery man, deliberately brought out so that we can wonder who he is. Maybe one day the secret will be revealed.
Tip of the Hat!
+1