EPISODE NUMBER: Episode IV — A New-ish Hope
GUESTS: James Carville
SEGMENTS: Mitt Romney’s “Solid” GOP Convention Speech | The GOP’s Mystery Convention Speaker
The GOP’s Mystery Convention Speaker - Clint Eastwood’s Chair | Neil Armstrong Tribute
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | White Shirt | Light blue and navy striped tie
VIDEOS: Friday, August 31, 2012

I know it’s Labor Day weekend, and you’re looking to relax with family and friends and maybe not think about politics (I know I am!), but do not miss this episode. I truly loved Stephen bringing Chair in to explain its inner philosophies and bring about inspiring chants of “Yes We Can!” from the audience. Now we know why Clint’s bit didn’t work: Chair couldn’t commit to the cynicism of the RNC, it’s just too optimistic.

Also enjoyed the Neil Armstrong tribute. I know we were waiting for Stephen to address Mr. Armstrong’s passing. It is just as remarkable that Armstrong didn’t try to capitalize on his celebrity and remained so humble, as it is that he achieved one of the most intrepid events of all mankind.

What did you think of the ep? And have a great Labor Day.

Episode IV- A New-ish Hope

New hilarious character descriptions in the intro:

“Grand Moff Obama” vs “brave droid R2-Mitt-2,” as well as “freedom fighters Qui-Gon Ryan, Han Rubio, Clint Calrissian and Chairbacca.” The Jedi Knights are “the top 1% force creators.”

Does seeing these two gents bedecked in Star Wars regalia ever get tiresome? Methinks not.

Mitt Romney’s “Solid” GOP Convention Speech

• Last night was the final evening of the Republican National Convention, and or course, they saved the last….for last.

• He entered through the crowd, engaging in the traditional human greeting of palm-grasp.

• There was never any doubt that this man was going to stick the landing, because he never left the ground.

• And folks, if you were looking for a speech…he gave one. And not just words, folks. Subject verb agreement, different tenses, Jimmy blow your Mitt-load.

• Yeah, f**k the planet!

• The reaction in the pundits-phere was unanimous: something had occurred.

• Yes, we can all agree that Mitt Romney is a solid. Matter cannot pass through him, and he does not conform to the shape of his container.

• It’s true, during the primaries we heard so much about Mitt’s electability, but not about his plausibility.

The GOP’s Mystery Convention Speaker

• ….the rest of New York Post is dedicated to a more dynamic speaker, an empty chair.

• (in an overly sinister tone) Happy Anniversary, Darling. I got you a surprise. Here, eat this pastry I made you, it’s got a… mystery filling… so good.

• Who could the mystery speaker be? Was it Sarah Palin? Was it Hologram Reagan? Was it me? Sadly no, evidently I learned how to belch the second amendment for nothing.

• After seeing the mystery speaker, I can say with some confidence- the mystery remains.

The GOP’s Mystery Convention Speaker - Clint Eastwood’s Chair

A simple chair brings about a fantastic and illuminating monologue:

• Chair, thank you for joining us. Oh no, no the honor is all mine. Now, whatever your political beliefs everybody loves Clint. What was it like working with Eastwood? What’s he like?

• Well, yes at times he seemed a little…you know, we were worried. But…that’s a terrible thing to say! How do you know? Maybe he had a prescription for those. You don’t know what you’re talking about. What? What’s that? You want me to do what? There’s no way I can fit my fist in there.

You’re just dodging the fact that unemployment is still above 8% and Obama has kept none of his campaign promises for the-what? Okay, he signed the Lily Ledbetter Act guaranteeing equal pay for women, but that was on day one of his administration. I mean just name something big that- okay, okay he saved the auto industry, but what about the government take-over of health care? Why should my money go to-yes, I am well aware that we are the only Western nation without universal healthcare-yes of course, I am my brother’s keeper, I am a Christian-yes, I do ask what I can do for my country-yes, of course I want to live in hope, everyone wants to join a cause greater than themselves, but-I am sorry, I interrupted, go on- you were saying? Uh huh. Right. Well I feel that way all the time. I want to keep trying, but can we? Yes, yes? Yes we can? Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Clint Eastwood’s chair everybody! Clint Eastwood’s chair.

Neil Armstrong Tribute

• Nation, America lost an icon last week, the first man to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong. And tributes have been pouring in like money out of NASA’s budget.

• Well Nation, I would like to add my voice to these tributes and say Neil Armstrong…meh, I don’t know. No, no hear me out, I know I am not going to win any space medals for this, but I may remind of what he said when he first set foot on the moon. (Plays “one small step for man..” footage) Mankind? What’s wrong with America-kind, Neil? I’m sorry did you plant the flag of Mankind? Did mankind spend millions of dollars and thousands of man hours developing you a refreshing orange space drink?

• You brought a plaque that reads “We came in peace for all man kind.” C’mon! The space race was a proxy war for the Soviets. That plaque should have read, “Suck it, Ivan! Sincerely, JFK’s ghost.”

• What offends me the most about Armstrong, is that he doesn’t have the decency to wallow in his fame.

• 600 million people watched him land on the moon, that is the ultimate reality show. He got voted off the planet. What a tragedy that the greatest adventurer in history never had the balls to cash in.

• I mean he could have appeared with Scooby and the gang in Terror at Tranquility Base, or endorsed Neils Armstrong’s Moonpies: “That’s one small snack for man, one giant treat for mankind.”

Interview - James Carville

• James Carville: This country is really about the middle class.

• SC: Isn’t the middle legendary, like the big foot? The middle class is in so much trouble, is there much of a middle class left to appeal to?

• SC: Mitt Romney did a good job last night by communicating….something.

• JC: He communicated this: If you agreed with Bush’s economic policy, Cheney’s foreign speech, and Santorum’s social policy, you loved Romney’s speech.

• SC: I did, I did. I loved the speech.

• JC: Stephen, it was designed to appeal to you. It was right in your wheelhouse.

• SC: I am flattered.

• JC: As you should.

• SC: Thank you very much.

• JC: Yes sir.

• SC: What do you predict for the post-convention bounce- 40 points?

• JC: Maybe 2 or 3.

• SC: The Romney people are privately predicting 11.

• JC: Um, the Romney people put Clint Eastwood out there.

• SC: You’ve got real financial problems putting on this [DNC] convention, I understand you are holding it in a Waffle House. Obama is way down on the money opposite Mitt Romney, how big of a difference is that going to make over the next 2 months?

• JC: Some.

• SC: Can Obama win this one?

• JC: He can win it, but there is a huge money advantage. To be perfectly blunt about it, the polluters and the financiers are really getting behind the Republicans.

• SC: You mean the job creators. Did you come here tonight on a bicycle, James?

• JC: Come to think of it, I cam in a Colbert Report-supplied Lincoln Navigator.

• SC: All The Colbert Report cars burn panda meat.

• SC: Obama whispered to Medevev that if he gets reelected he’ll have a little more flexibility, that means he’s going to sell Alaska back to the Russians, right?