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Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you for joining us and more than that, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for feeling at me.

Nation, we are less then five months away from picking our next president and at this point, its anybody’s election. (Herman Cain: Aw, shucky ducky!) No. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Not anybody’s. I’m sorry. Either Obama or Romney’s election.

‘Cause nothing gets value voters to yank the lever like the thought of two guys yanking each other’s levers.

Yes, marijuana support is at a record high. Just like it’s supporters.

Folks, these pro-pot initiatives, if they make it onto the ballot, I say Romney is doomed. ‘Cause we all know pot smokers are highly motivated, organized, and punctual. There is nothing they would love more than getting off the couch, putting on pants, and going to high school gyms packed with judgmental old people.

I say… folks, Romney’s only hope is that on November 6th. Discovery runs a Planet Earth marathon. Oh, s#*t! Did you see that shark?

Of course, Romeny’s only other hope is attracting a completely different demographic. These dead white men.

All of this Super Pac super cash is thanks to Citizen’s United, the Supreme Court decision which established that, in politics, money equals free speech. As Justice Anthony Kennedy explained in the majority opinion, and I quote *ch-ching*.

Precisely! Buying detergent and electing a president are exactly the same thing because when I buy Tide I have to use it for four years and so does everyone in America. Also, Tide gets to approve drone strikes on it’s enemies.

In fact, I’m surprised republicans haven’t already nominated Tide for president. It gets your whites whiter than white.

Politicians raise all this money to spend on TV now there’s not enough TV to spend it on. All that money’s backing up. We’re gonna get blue bills.

Luckily, luckily folks, there’s an innovation in free speech from former Hawaii Governor and rejected Superman love interest, Linda Lingle. She is running for the Senate seat vacated by Dan Akaka. Lingle is hoping to follow Akaka in Hawaii’s long tradition of Senators with hilarious names.

With Lingle 2012, Lingle can reach voters who will watch 24 hours of political ads. Key demographics like insomniacs, people in traction, people who can’t find the remote, people trapped under a bookcase, empty Best Buy stores, and cats left alone with the TV for comfort. Personally… they make great companions.

I can’t wait to see what sort of programming she’ll have. From her morning show, Aloha Lingle, to her late night sign off, Aloha Lingle.

This, this is the most important election of our lifetime! And if money is speech, speech that informs voters and an informed electorate is the bedrock of democracy, then for the good of this divided nation, I say Barack Obama and Mitt Romney should each immediately get their own cable channels, dedicated solely to their election. Oh, that was quick!

Folks, every guy’s man business bends to one side or the other but in severe cases the angle of the dangle can become a serious medical issue and make intercourse difficult, if not impossible. For instance, you’re trying to make love to your wife and you end up having an affair with the clock radio on the nightstand.

Xiaflex is safe and easy to use. It’s just eight injections into the penis that can cause pain, swelling, and hematomas. The doctor then manipulates the penis by hand to help break up the penile plaque. Don’t worry, it’ll show up on your credit card statement as “entertainment services”.

Xiaflex is all natural since it’s “derived from an enzyme that a gangrene-causing bacterium uses to eat away at the tissues of its victims”. Yes, gangrene! So congratulations, your penis will now be as healthy as veteran of the Crimean Wars.

But why go through penile plaque needles, gangrene, and a doctor wringing out your dingus like a damp cloth? Should we really be making men feel bad about their curvy penises when we could be making women feel bad about their freakishly straight vaginas?

That’s why the all male research team at Prescott is proud to introduce Dr. Prescott’s crotch-thotics. A corrective, polyurethane, introvaginal sleeve in three styles to match your partner’s unique shape. There’s Boomerang, The Great Gonzo, and Crazy Straw.

What about women who aren’t married? Well, to help insomniac singles Prescott Pharmaceuticals is proud to present: Vacsa-Jeff. Vacsa-Jeff will ensure that you ladies get the restful, stress free sleep that you deserve.

Folks, my guest tonight is a Pulitzer Prize winner, whose new book is called Private Empire: Exxon Mobile and American Power. Isn’t that redundant?

Folks, before we go I have a bitter sweet announcement and not just because during the commercial break I drank a bottle licorice schnapps. You see, tonight’s show is the last show for one of my writers, Peter Gwinn. Peter’s not only a first rate writer, he’s also a talented performer who’s lent his presence to some of The Report’s most memorable moments. Let’s take a fond look back.

Bon Voyage, Peter and happy landings. Goodnight.