EPISODE NUMBER: 8077 (March 29 2012)
GUESTS: Peter Beinart
SEGMENTS: Intro- 3/29/12 | The Mega Millions Lottery | Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack | Mitt Romney Tells a Funny Story | Peter Beinart | Sign-off- Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | Light blue shirt | Yellow stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 29, 2012
Intro:
Tonight, should college students be political players? Why not, they’re already having sex with interns. Then, Mitt Romney proves he’s just like average Americans by also not being that excited by Mitt Romney. And my guest Peter Beinart has a new book about the future of Israel: Yamaka jetpacks!
Atlantic City has a new slogan, “Do AC”. Meanwhile, Anderson Cooper has a new slogan, “What are you doing? Get off me.”
The Mega Millions Lottery
Notable Quotables
- I certainly hope like me, you’ve got lotto fever. I’ve actually got lotto rash. Let’s just say I’m doing a lot of scratch off.
- Yes. A computer is just going to give you random numbers but you have a random system.
- Here’s the secret, a coin has two sides. Always pick heads if it’s a president’s head. Never bet on Sacajawea. The Indians lost the whole continent, they’re not gonna win a coin toss.
Tomorrow, folks, is the drawing for the mega millions lottery. $540,000,000! Now to put that into (aside to crowd: arr woo) to put that into perspective, if you laid 540,000,000 dollar bills end to end you would regret it because people would definitely just come and take it.
And folks, I've got to tell ya, I've got the winner right here. Went with my old stand by: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Okay? Same as my bank pin. Oops, you know what, Jimmy? Let's edit that out. (Jimmy: Can do). Okay, thanks.
Very important! Numbers that win never win again. Don't play these numbers or any combination of these numbers. Alright? You wanna think outside the box.
Instead of these losers try the square root of 2. Pi. Threvin, and while this is a made up number, it has never won. Which means it's due.
Plus, if you let the machine pick and you win, legally you have to split your winnings with it and you know it's just going to blow it on hookers and coke.
Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack
Notable Quotables
- You know our motto: Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. And one of those two tomorrows may be any day now.
- Ya hear that, Romney! Put that in your pipe and don’t smoke it because tobacco is strictly forbidden by your religion.
- Apparently, more Texans respond to my message, “Corporations are people”, than Romney’s message, “Mitt is a person.”
You'd think Wisconsinites would like Rick Santorum given that he's a wheel of Colby cheese: Not that sharp and holier than thou.
According to the Houston Chronicle, more Texans have donated to Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow than to the pro-Romney Super PAC Restore Our Future. Kaboom, boom, boom! Wah! Pa-pa pa-pow! Pa-chow, pa-chow, pa-chow, boo!
Yeah! Hell, yeah! Once again, once again, folks, of course, the liberal media missed the whole story. I have also brought the issue to mid-morning repeat television.
So folks, considering my influence, it is no surprise at all that I got this actual email from someone named Paul Benefiel, a student at the University of Texas at Austin. The fightin' only part of Texas that's liberal!
So, what do you think audience? Should I give my blessing to college students to set up Super PACs, extending the reach of my political tentacles across the campuses of America? Alright, alright! I will assume that your unintelligible shrieks are a yes. I'm gonna do it.
I want every college across this great nation to have their own, my Super PAC. And they can have it too. Thanks to the Colbert Super PAC, Super Fun Pack! that you can order. All you need is a burning desire for civil engagement and $99.
Do you really want your loved one's seeing the Federal Election Commission in your browser history? Awkward!
Now, your Super PAC can take unlimited donations but your tube socks can only take limited washings. One. Super cheap
To kick off your fundraising, I have included the Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans. Start calling and remember: A restraining order means you've got the right number.
So go to ColbertSuperPAC.com and donate $99 to get your Colbert Super PAC Fun Pack and before you know it I'll be taking no personal or legal responsibility for anything you do. I don't know who you are. I don't have a Super PAC or a TV show and my name is Veraldo Givera.
Mitt Romney Tells a Funny Story (More To Come)
Peter Beinart (More to Come)
Sign-off- Goodnight
This episode was amazing. The first two segments were both rock-solid and completely hilarious. It’s always great when Stephen talks about the SuperPAC, and this time was no exception. I’m dying to buy one of those Fun Packs! Even if I can’t win the treasure hunt, I should set up a table at my high school. There are a lot of fans here, so I could definitely get money. I just don’t know how/ if that’s legal. :/
Tip of the Hat!
+7
With all of the loopholes in the current laws regarding SuperPACs, I’m sure you could find your way around any and all forms of legality.
Where’s Trevor Potter when we need him?
Tip of the Hat!
+6
@lockhart43- I’d like to think Trevor’s manning the PAC mobile. I suppose he could be chilling in the PAC cave though.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
I agree with lockhart, Cosmo. I think you’ll probably be fine as long as the administrators of your school are okay with it. If they are, then I’m sure you and some of your fellow fans could figure out some ways to make it fun for students to participate.
*psst: I hear young people love candy, even Strangers With Candy*
Tip of the Hat!
+3
i love stephen doing standup!
Tip of the Hat!
+7
In this, my dear, you are not alone!! Thanks for commenting:)
Tip of the Hat!
+3
The Colbert SuperPAC FunPAC is going to be great, particularly if it can generate some grass-roots participation. I like the idea of “Colbert chapters” throughout the country, spreading the mischievousness along during this election season. Not that the SuperPAC is mischief, per se, but it can give it’s appearance, particularly during the high-shennanigans part of the election season.
Anyways, the Hub is like a special chapter of the Colbert Nation, in its own way.
I loved the standup too. Stephen could never be a standup (he would just break out into an acting performance, like what we saw), but it reminded me a little bit of Hans Beinholtz’s attempt; endearingly wrong, and true to his character.
I thought the Beinart interview was good; I am not sure that I agree that the two-state solution should be two isolatedstates solution. People have to live in harmony, and in those close quarters, I agree with him that distribution of democratic rights can reduce the tension, and create better opportunities (and security) for all the factions involved.
Tip of the Hat!
+6
Ah, Hubsters for A Better, Tomorrow, Tomorrow does have a nice ring to it;)
Watching Stephen play a stand up comedian was fun but I agree, watching play any character tops watching him (or most people) doing stand up. And yes, I have watched tons of stand up. Probably an unhealthy amount.
*cookies for the Hans reference*
Perhaps integration would happen naturally over time, if each culture had their own land and equal rights. It would be difficult to force such a thing but I agree with you that true peace cannot come with out that acceptance.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
I loved this show! I think what most appealed to me was the audience. They were just a stark-raving, out of their minds, steroid-enhanced mob. Wasn’t it great?! And Stephen just drank them in like a parched man stumbling upon an oasis. I’m not criticizing any of the other crowds this week. I’m just saying last night’s group was special.
Tip of the Hat!
+6
I agree, those are the best crowds.
Tip of the Hat!
+4
They really were high on 100% pure cut Colbert! I can’t remember the last audience that was quite so responsive. I love how much it energizes Stephen, it’s like watching magic.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
@CN Helper Loved your invoking of Hans Beinholtz stand-up in comparison with Stephen. Very funny to think about. And quite apt.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
I confess I haven’t watched this episode yet - need to wait until my internet connection is more cooperative - but just had to share some WHOOOOOO excitement that I’m off to one of the screenings of Company here in Australia this weekend! It’s been such a long wait - so excited to see the show!
Tip of the Hat!
+6
I hope you had a fantastic time at Company, I’m sure it was well worth the wait ^_^ Hopefully this guide was too… Thanks for commenting!
Tip of the Hat!
+3
Thanks for reminding me of that Anderson Cooper joke in the intro, Kris. I’d somehow forgotten that. And that coin flipping gif is fantastic! It’s real great how much time and care you put into these guides.
Oh, and thanks for putting in that still of the hookers and blow too. I’m sure you did it for me and I just want you to know I appreciate it. I love staring at the blow!
Tip of the Hat!
+4
Picking on Anderson Cooper always deserves a mention:). Glad I could oblige but who could blame you for forgetting? The episode was too cram packed with awesome! Its always great to hear that folks are enjoying the labor love that are Episode Guides. Thanks a ton for checking back and as always, sharing your witty self with us.
I must admit I was hoping you’d enjoy the rare bit of man eye candy here;) After all, what red blooded American male could resist those huge, pale, full mounds of blow!
Tip of the Hat!
+4
He’s actually serious about the whole college students thing and making an actual appearance? Wow. Then kudos to whichever lucky college/university gets to be graced with his presence! Wish I was still in college so that a mini CSP could be organized.
It was so strange seeing Stephen doing “stand-up”, since that’s Jon’s area of expertise (and how he got into comedy in the first place), but the whole bit was cute and he proved (just like Kirsten) that Republicans can’t do comedy.
And MAN, was the audience fired up that night! Actually, every audience that week was enthusiastic, but Thursday’s definitely topped them all.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
I hear ya about the college thing. If I won that treasure hunt I’d be reenrolling for a semester or something:)
Stephen’s stand up was pretty cute as you could tell he was “playing” a stand up comedian. It would have been funny to hear what Jon thought of it.
I can only hope that if I get to go to a taping the audience will be half as awesome as Thursdays was. They were fantastic!
Tip of the Hat!
+2
You’ll attend a taping someday, Kris! Never give up hope! When the time and timing is right, it will happen!
I wasn’t sure when I’d ever attend a taping, and I attended one just last summer shortly after I came back from Paris (and hoping to go to another one in the near future)! The energy of the audience is so catching, you could stand up all night clapping and cheering for Stephen (just not literally, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to do his show; I don’t think even he would be able to yell over the clamour)!
Tip of the Hat!
+2
Thanks Anais! I really shouldn’t complain:) I guess a person could never get too much Stephen though.
Speaking of which, I hope you make it to another taping soon too!
Even if the audience was a dud, I’d bet hard core fans such as ourselves would still be freaking out the whole time^_^ Do you remember the episode from the strike, when the audience really wouldn’t let up for a long time (I think it may have been his first show back, I can find it tomorrow and post a link). That was awesome! It’s so much fun when the audience goes so nuts even Stephen (mindless mob master) can’t totally control them.
Tip of the Hat!
+2