EPISODE NUMBER: 8072 (March 15, 2012)
GUESTS: Dexter Filkins
SEGMENTS: Airport Security Loosens Up on the Elderly | Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors | Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart | Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Burgundy / grey striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 15, 2012
We’ve got a whole week to go before “Stephen” can come out and play again *sigh*. We’ll, we may as well make the best of it and in that spirit I present you an Episode Guide that will hopefully prove to be magically delicious!
Airport Security Loosens Up on the Elderly
Stephen’s gut knows that the Obama adminitraitors are soft on terror and once again the government confirms that he’s gastrointestinally on the right tract. This time they’re giving special privileges to the most devious and feared terrorist sect of all, your nanas and peepops. The new law being tested out allows “Elder Qaeda” to slip through security without slipping off their shoes and light jackets. According to Stephen, it’s a decision that may cost you your life. I say it will definitely save you a bit of time on your next flight.
(Need more? Peepop II)
Notable Quotables
- Wake up TSA! Old people are powder kegs. Goldbond powder, but still.
- Now, folks, I have always been suspicious of these geriatric jihadists.
- It’s only a matter of time before she shoots up a cracker barrel because their lemonade is too damn sweet. What? Did a Spaniard make this?
- What? Are they crazy? Have you seen their shoes? Those things could be made entirely of plastic explosives.
They’re disgruntled. They have nothing to lose and they hold extremist views on many groups. I can’t even repeat what my Aunt Rita said at Thanksgiving about “the Spaniards”. Let’s just say we won’t be serving sangria again.
I say we nip this in the bud and send our elderly to Gitmo. Just tell them it’s Florida, they never go outside anyway. Warning, you’ve been warned.
Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors
Rush Limbaugh just can’t push past the “ad”versity he’s faced over his controversial contraception criticisms and is quickly becoming a charity case. We all know how much he loves those. Luckily, it shouldn’t be too hard for El-Rush-Bo to transition to the status of “social parasite”. Considering all the practice he’s had being an intellectual parasite, one would think he could quickly acclimate himself to a new host.
After all, if he doesn’t like it, he could always give his public a much awaited edition to his previous written works. Tell the true story of how he found himself caught in the mouse trap of the Obama administration. Of course, Fluke would have a staring role as the cheese. He’d have to have a catchy title though, just like his previous literary endeavors. I know, he could call it, “See, I Called Her Ho because That’s the Way She Ought to Be.”
Notable Quotables
- Radio host and tater tot in casual wear, Rush Limbaugh.
- Rush: Now, how can I be anti-woman? I even judged the Miss America pageant. Stephen: Yes! What more does he have to do, judge Playmate of the Year?
- Plus, Rush is just exercising his right to free speech and while it is shocking that Rush would exercise anything, this is America!
Nation, there is an issue that has become a cudgel against the republicans in this campaign, it’s contraception and I’m tired of talking about it so instead, I’m going to mime about it.
Meanwhile, they’re staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban who evidentially have a better track record on women’s issues.
Things have gotten so bad, folks, Rush may have to start a pledge drive. So ladies, donate now and you will get this free tote bag to put all your slut stuff in for the walk of shame.
We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty. Unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant, green, tramp. Oh, she’ll lift her lamp and open her golden door for anybody. Your tired, your poor and not just one on one, she’ll take on huddled masses. Everybody line up for a peek under her toga.
She’s a pawn! I mean, what’s the alternative? That a thirty year old woman had her own thoughts and feelings about reproductive rights? Come on, what do you take me for? A girl?
Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart
The GOP is so good at alienating minorities they may have actually turned it into a science. If they believed in scientific things, that is. Who needs facts and provable results when you have gut thoughts and heart speech, right Nation? Santorum has definitely refined his own Rickiness (a truth that Rick feels in his heart, rather than knowing it with his brain). For Mitt’s part, well, let’s not worry about Mitt. Who needs votes when you have money?
Notable Quotables
- Rick’s formula is simple: you speak English, you become a state. I don’t know what’s taking D.C. so long.
- Now, Santorum is just reminding Puerto Ricans that to be in, quote, “… compliance with… federal law… English needs to be the principal language” and sure, there is no such federal law but it sure feels like there is.
- He’s gonna tell voters in Wisconsin to “lay off the cheese, fatty.” And voters in Louisiana to “speaka de Engliss”.
The inevitable nominee, Mitt Rominee, appeared on FOX News to reiterate his campaign’s core message of hope. Mitt: I made a lot of money. Stephen: …Now that is a guy I would like to have a beer company with.
Now I know, Puerto Ricans have been speaking Spanish or as my Aunt Rita calls it, “taco talk,” since 1508 but come on!
Evidently, Santorum’s comments about the Netherlands were yanked out of his nether parts but that doesn’t matter…
It’s just a matter of what’s in his heart and in Rick Santorum’s heart Dutch doctors push old people in wheel chairs up to windmills and let the blades chop their heads off. And then grind them into a paste and use that paste to plug cracks in the dykes. And turn their skulls into wooden shoes. The point is, as long as it is in your heart, it is true.
Rick Santorum, you keep speaking what’s in your heart, as long as it’s in English and I am sure you’ll get the nomination or at least, feel like you have.
Nation, your fearless leader has spoken! Make sure you tweet what’s in your heart regarding Rick Santorum and be sure to use the hashtag: #inmyheart
Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear
The Emerald Isle’s sperm banks are Erin go broke due to Danish duplicity (and a lack of legal Irish wankers). An Irish whiskey *coughs: Jameson* gifts Stephen with a St. Patty’s Day surprise that takes him back to his drunken Amish roots. The luck of the Irish saves a bottle of Jewish wine and Stephen celebrates with the Old Country tradition of stabbing an Englishman in the neck.
Notable Quotables
- Nation, check your calendar everybody. This Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day and to get in the spirit, I have filled the studio with poisonous snakes. So I can drive them out like St. Patrick. Don’t worry audience, they never come out unless there’s a loud noise; like cheering or clapping or chanting my name.
- Me Ireland.
- At last an Irish product is respectfully representing my people, as drunken… Amish?
The Irish import all their sperm from Denmark rather than produce their own because of their “lack of regulation for donating sperm...” and because in Ireland, no one’s allowed to move their hands.
I’m not gonna sit here while Erin’s Isle needs me, that’s why I’m proud to introduce my own line of premium man seed for the Irish market, Stephen Colbert’s Formula 40’1, fresh from my blarney stones.
This weekend I will be tearing it up at the local traditional Irish pundit gathering at O’Hanrahan’s. I play the boran, Hannity plays the tin whistle, O'Reilly step dances, and Chris Matthew is on the potato.
Now, I always wrestle with how to honor the old sod on St. Patrick’s Day but this year it’ll be easy. Thanks to a special package that I received from an actual Irish whiskey company, who shall remain nameless because there was no cash in the bag. No free rides.
They also included this, uh, authentic Irish cultural garment… Finally, someone treating the Irish with dignity.
In fact, I was so inspired that I prepared a whole line of ethnically accurate headgear for the holidays. If the good people at Manischewitz are watching right now, might I recommend this year sending out this Passover party hat. Why is this hat different from all other hats? Because, it is in no way offensive.
If you’ll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to indulge in some of my traditional foods from my homeland. Bowl of Lucky Charms and of course, some fresh cut Irish Spring. Oh, the spirit of the season! And then I’m going to stab an Englishman in the neck.
Dexter Filkins
My guest tonight has been called the premier combat journalist of his generation and he’s about to meet the premier combat avoider of any generation.
Stephen: Does it ever occur to you, “I work at the New Yorker, why don’t I just do movie reviews?” Or draw the cartoons about the psychiatrists’ dogs.
Dexter: I’ve thought about that, I’ve thought about that.
Stephen: Yes? Now, um, Assad in Syria is crushing the resistance of his people right now and um, last month two journalists, Marie Colvin and Anthony Shadid died covering that war. Um, Anthony Shadid has a recent book called, House of Stone: A Memoir of Home, Family, and a Lost Middle East (also available in paperback). Why do people like you and Colvin and Shadid, why do you go do it? Because, as Americans, isn’t it suspicious that you even care about other countries? What is it that draws you? I mean there’s a war on women here, why not cover that?
Dexter: You just said it, I mean, if you take Syria, um, I mean here’s a government that is not elected and they are… waging war against their population. They are shelling cities, they’ve killed at least 7,000 people so far. They’ve tortured people, they’ve arrested people, um, and what they want more than anything is, they want to be able to operate in secret. They don’t want the rest of the world to know and so, when people like Anthony and Marie were doing, they were both friends, is they just wanted to get in and talk to people and talk to real people and find out what was happening and then get out and tell the rest of the world.
***
Stephen: Do you ever hope that a war would break out in, like Fiji?
Dexter: Yeah, I have to say, the first war zone I ever went to was Sri Lanka and, this island in the Indian Ocean, and it’s, you know, I haven’t been to Fiji but Sri Lanka’s extraordinary. For instance, I remember one time, I went to, I covered this kind of a scene of a massacre, um, and I went back to my hotel. Which was right on this beautiful beach, uh, in this gorgeous harbor and I had lobster that night for dinner…
***
Stephen: You know what? You know, I’ve been doing coverage of the entire world, uh, from the inside of a studio for years and if I can recommend something, I have a green screen over there. You just stand in front of it and you put a picture behind you and everyone believes that you’re in the Middle East. And one, one kind of, like burned out sandy photo behind you turns into everything from Morocco to Pakistan.
Dexter: Yeah.
Stephen: It’s a penny pincher.
Dexter: Well, I mean, kind of. True, true. I mean, a lot of people would agree with you and a lot of them, unfortunately, control the budgets of a lot of news rooms but what you find when you, you know, it’s easy from afar to look and say, you know, the Muslim world: Morocco all the way to Indonesia and say “they’re all the same.”
Stephen: That’s what I say. And it’s extremely easy, you’re right. It’s enjoyable.
Sign Off- Goodnight
Happy St. Patrick’s Day Hubsters!!
Jokes, jokes, jokes. This show was so packed with jokes (and clever satire and a serious interview that was still light when it needed to be) that I can’t even count them all. That segue between Rush and the primaries was so effortless, bless this show’s flawless writing. By the by, my immediate response out loud after the Rush comment about the Miss America Pageant was, “Who let Rush Limbaugh near the Miss America Pageant?”
And is it weird that I kind of want a “Ho Bag,” even though no one would know what I was referencing?
This entire episode was solid and on-point; what a great way to end the week and start TCR’s mini vacation! And I sincerely hope someone on the internets made a gif of Stephen miming contraception.
Tip of the Hat!
+7
I thought about counting all the jokes as I went but you’re right, there was just too many^_^
Rush has to be the ugliest person (inside and out) who ever attempted to judge the beauty of another human being.
If Stephen and friends don’t make a Ho Bag, maybe we should. I’m pretty sure it’ll be a popular item *wants one too*
I’ll see your GIF and raise you one Lockhart. I hope you enjoy it, as it went on for so long and the movements were so minute that it was hard to capture it. The look on his face was really the main thing. It was at once comical and horrifying! I can honestly say I’ve never seen anyone have a scarier look on their face while making that particular gesture. Remember, I have worked in a prison.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
Oh me too! I’m so tired of dropping my slut stuff all over the place when I go out. With this convenient new carrier, slut slippage will be a thing of the past. Thanks, Ho Bag! *turns to camera and gives thumbs up*
I’m loving the #InMyHeart tweets by StephenAtHome. “Rick Santorum gets heartburn from water. #InMyHeart”
Tip of the Hat!
+7
The term “slut slippage” has just got to catch on. In this infomercial, does it begin with you carrying way too many things due to your busy and exceptionally slutty day and then dropping them and throwing your hands up in the air as if to say, “Oh, if only I had a bag to hold it all!”
Team TCR is certainly using twitter to its fully comedy advantage. Two favorites: “Rick Santorum preferred the second Darrin on ‘Bewitched.’” and “Rick Santorum has never solved a Wheel of Fortune puzzle.”
Tip of the Hat!
+6
“Rick Santorum preferred the second Darrin on ‘Bewitched.’” My favorite one (so far).
Tip of the Hat!
+4
For Halloween, Rick Santorum went as a Saltine. #InMyHeart
That evening the definition of “crackalackin” was changed to describe a whitey lacking the ability to be as interesting as a cracker.
Tip of the Hat!
+4
If you go Twitter and enter “#inMyHeart @stephenAtHome” in the search field, a lot of hilarious tweets from the Colbert nation come up. If you just search for #InMyHeart, you will turn up a lot of romantic, love-related tweets, plus some relevant ones.
A couple of my favorite tweets from fans so far.:
@tonfry Rick Santorum hasn’t been on a roller coaster since deciding that adrenalin is “a gateway drug.” #InMyHeart @StephenAtHome
@TarantinoDork #inmyheart Rick Santorum believes so deeply in sanctity of human life he owns 800 vials of @StephenAtHome’s Formula 401 premium man juice.
Here are a bunch more tweets from Stephen’s account (he and the writers are on fire!:
Rick Santorum’s favorite stand up comic is a copy of Reader’s Digest. #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum wears a fireproof leotard under everything. #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum has never solved a Wheel of Fortune puzzle. #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum’s childhood nickname was “Mr. Santorum.” #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum believes it’s a mortal sin to mix slushy flavors. #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum preferred the second Darrin on “Bewitched.” #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum refuses to put his left hip in during the Hokey-Pokey. #inMyHeart
For Halloween, Rick Santorum went as a Saltine. #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum’s favorite quote from Jesus is “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum once strapped a dog to the top of his church. #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum wrote an op-ed about the filth in “Finding Nemo.” #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum gets heartburn from water. #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum was the basis for Haley Joel Osment’s character in “The Sixth Sense.” #InMyHeart
Rick Santorum hasn’t played basketball since he accidentally chest-bumped a teammate. #InMyHeart
Tip of the Hat!
+6
Ha! These are great! Thank you so much Caroline.
I think my favorite is:”Rick Santorum refuses to put his left hip in during the Hokey-Pokey.”
Tip of the Hat!
+6
I loved that one too, but it’s hard to chose my favorite. “Rick Santorum wrote an op-ed about the filth in ‘Finding Nemo’” reminds me of a college professor in Film Class who refused to show her daughter “Finding Nemo” because it sends wrong messages.
Tip of the Hat!
+4
In MY heart:
Rick Santorum learns, first hand, what it really means to experience a santorum#inmyheart
Tip of the Hat!
+3
“In MY heart:
Rick Santorum learns, first hand, what it really means to experience a santorum#inmyheart”
That’s really disgusting, Kris….I enjoyed it!
Thanks for your excellent episode guide. (Wonderful screen captures and appropriate quotes.) I loved reliving all of Aunt Rita’s smack about “The Spaniards” and their “taco talk.” This was really an exceptional episode all around.
Tip of the Hat!
+4
I aim to please, Mr. Arkadin, I aim to please ^_^
I’m hoping Aunt Rita finds a permanent home on The Report. Very little is funnier than little old ladies saying racist things. Betty White has proved that to my satisfaction.
The show went out with bang before break so I followed suit. Glad you enjoyed and, as always, thanks for the feed back!
Tip of the Hat!
+3
My favourite Tweet so far has to be this one:
I would so buy a “Ho Bag” if they started selling them!!
Tip of the Hat!
+6
*sigh* If only Rick didn’t just read the Digest for the jokes, he might actually learn something.
It seems as though Stephen has really found an untapped market. It appears that what all of us ladies were really needing was a Ho Bag. It’s funny because I thought I always heard men complaining about needing one of those…
Tip of the Hat!
+3
#InMyHeart-REALLY: Stephen. It feels true.
Thanks for the fab episode guide, Kris-complete with gifs! (You ask, she delivers.) Love the miming contraception, but I must admit that the rabbi with the Manischewitz had me hysterical. Oh, Stephen, Stephen, don’t you realize that Jews have discovered good wine and ditched the slightly alcoholic grape juice by now?
I love the hashtag campaign, which logically follows #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Don’t politicians’ handlers know by now that when they come out with lines like that it’s pure catnip to Stephen? Don’t they realize his entire show is based on “in the gut” versus inconvenient “facts” and that he’ll leap right on it? Frankly, I’m glad they’re such fools, especially in the case of Santorum, because it’s very funny and makes him look like the fool he is.
Have a great week off, Stephen! You’ve earned it.
Tip of the Hat!
+7
Oh, and by the way: First photo. Yes.
Tip of the Hat!
+4
So glad that you enjoyed the episode guide! The first cap was pretty adorable, unsurprisingly, it wasn’t what I’d originally planned to use though, so thanks much for the feedback. In the same vein it’s really fantastic that everyone’s enjoying the Manischewitz GIF as it was a much bigger job than the mime GIF although easier to capture the jpgs for. Glad I stuck it out ^_^
*
Ah yes, I think that’s what helps to keep Brian Williams so honest. He always says he thinks about whether or not a segment will land him on The Daily Show before running it. If only politicians cared enough about what the TDS/TCR audience thought of them, they probably would think long and hard before doing a lot of stuff.
Unfortunately, we are still a fairly small slice of America and these guys are truly playing to their audience. That’s the part that really gets my goat (so to speak). Just like with Rush, enough people agree with their trash and so, they get away with it. They may even being saying it despite their knowledge that it’s ridiculous because it’s what they think people want to hear. I doubt it was for the Puerto Rican’s “favor” that Santorum said they should speak English. It was for the favor of all the people back in the states who would like that he went there and told a group of minorities that they wouldn’t be welcome if they didn’t.
Like you say, thank Quetzalcoatl we’ve got our boys to make us laugh at it:)
(More Quetzalcoatl )
Tip of the Hat!
+4
Brian Williams is honest? Okay-just asking!
Romney has just won Puerto Rico, so clearly Santorum’s language dictum failed. And yes, it was said for the conservative base here. But it’s going to cost him in Latino votes, and some of them-say the Cubans in Florida-are deeply, deeply conservative.
Thank you for sure for the work you put in on the Manischewitz gif. It’s just hysterical. I see the next dissertation topic: Manischewitz, Atone Phones, and Marrying Jonathan Under the Chuppah: A Study of Stephen Colbert and Judaism.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
Oh my God!! Clutching my sides laughing… Maybe “honest” wasn’t the right word. Um, less likely to say something so completely asinine that he makes himself easy fodder for the funny machine? Maybe? Is there a word for that?
I hear you about him losing out on the Latino vote. I think I just get over excited whenever I think about how many citizens eat this stuff up with a fork… It is truly disturbing. Forgive my rant. I know I am preaching to the choir! Was hoping my Quetzalcoatl links would make up for the rambling:)
I. Love. You. For having that idea. Seriously, it is impressive. There was a bit of work he did on TDS regarding Judaism (and since I’m a freak I could probably have the links ready to roll for them in, like, ten minutes).
Speaking of Marrying Jonathan Under the Chuppah… Well, never mind
Tip of the Hat!
+4