March 6, 2012 — Jonathan Safran Foer
EPISODE NUMBER: 8067 (March 6, 2012)
GUESTS: Jonathan Safran Foer
SEGMENTS: Super Tuesday Party, Putin’s Win & India’s State Assembly | The Word - Due or Die| Thought for Food - Responsible Snacking & Second Breakfast | Jonathan Safran Foer | Sign Off - Good Catch
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | White shirt | Grey and black diagonal striped tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Super Tuesday Party, Putin’s Win & India’s State Assembly
Stephen celebrates Super Tuesday with raw bratwursts, mayo salsa, transvaginal margaritas, and just for Mitt: some caffeine free diet coke. In lieu of having any results for the American election he turns to international affairs and delivers some stunning and solemn news about chlamydia’s spec-ual identity.
Notable Quotables:
- This is it, tonight it is Super Tuesday. It is like the Super Bowl of politics. If the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself.
- I got a keg of beer back here. And in case Romney wins, I got a keg of caffeine-free diet coke.
- Chlamydia is not a flower, sad.
And I am having a little tailgate party here. First of all, I am cooking up some brats for all of us. Oh, mmm, mmm, mmm… Here on the ol’ smoky joe. Unfortunately, this is not a real grill. Okay. Evidentially, big government “fire marshal” wants us to avoid “carbon monoxide poisoning”. Jokes on him when you all get trichinosis from these uncooked brats.
Of course, we can’t have a party without a batch of some of my famous republican salsa. It’s mostly mayonnaise… with a dash miracle whip. A little spicy.
And oh, oh, oh, I’m mixing up some margaritaaaaas! I could not find my blender so instead I’m using a transvaginal ultrasound wand. Mmm, mmm, mmm… Oh, yeah, mmm. You know, usually, usually at my parties, this thing doesn’t come out until after the margaritas… That is salty.
Yeah, everyone’s getting all relaxed and average, okay? Trying to connect. Trying to connect with the blue collar voters. I’m just going to roll up my sleeves right here and of course, as an average joe, I’m going to break out the lunch pail and strap on my blue collar.
Now, now I’m just an average… just an average working joe. Hey, fellas! Let’s head over to the factory plant and foundry us some metal goods. Welding, am I right? You know, some of my best friends own this company.
It seems Gandhi and the national congress tried to Curry favor with the state of Uttar Pradesh, only to learn in was a Naan starter... Chicken Vindaloo.
The Word - Due or Die
Our government once again shows us how much it cares by determining that “due process” and “judicial process” are not the same. Thereby creating the loop hole through which to legalize the president sanctioned execution of American citizens. In the name of the war on terror. So the government protects us from the terrorists but who protects us from the government?
Notable Quotables:
- Now, Holden’s gotten a lot of criticism for the legal justification he gave for killing an American citizen: None.
- Due process just means there is a process that you do.
- Nation anyone who watches this show knows I have never liked Attorney General Eric Holder. I still cannot forgive him for selling out Han Solo to Boba Fett.
Exactly, due process does not mean judicial process. The founders weren't picky. I mean, trial by jury, trial by fire, rock, paper, scissors. Who cares?
From what I can understand, the current process is apparently: First, the president meets with his advisers and decides who he can kill. Then he kills them.
Yes, it is perfectly legal to blow up al-Awlaki because we are in a declared armed conflict with Yemen... Pakistan?.. Afghanistan?.. I know it's a Stan!
As long as we're calling something a war, as long as doing that makes the president judge, jury, and executioner; why don't we just let him call in drone strikes in the war on drugs?
And for those who still whine that all American citizens must receive judicial process before they're executed, let's meet them half way and put judges robes on our missiles. Because if we're going to win our never ending war against terror, there are bound to be casualties and one of them just happens to be the Constitution. And that's The Word.
Thought for Food - Responsible Snacking & Second Breakfast
Stephen mourns the passing of the king sized candy bar but rejoices in the coming of the second breakfast.
Notable Quotables:
- I would cry but my tear ducts are clogged with nougat.
- Finally! Second breakfast. For too long we’ve been stuck with strict, government approved time slots for cramming things into our face slots.
- I remember when we led the world in snacksploration… And America won the space race, of taking up the most space.
Folks, they say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but after a concerted effort to cram meat through my belly button, I’m going back to my mouth. This is thought for food.
Oh, great! Now I need to 'snack responsibly'. Can I get that Nestle Crunch with brown rice? Could I have just the Ikes with the Mikes on the side? Oh, and I'll just have an 'm', I'm driving.
I don't want a smaller bar! I want a bar so big that while I'm eating one end the other end is still rolling off the factory line. You don't buy it, you get a subscription.
...Fourth meal, which, of course, falls between dinner and waking up on a Foosball table covered with your own filth. You've been there.
Folks, like Columbus eating the New World, we must explore new vistas of meal time. Not just breakfast but second breakfast, post-breakfast-pre-brunch, brunch, brulunch, lunch, dinner prequel, appetizers, appeteasers, twilight buffet, dinner, supper, nosh, fourth meal, midnight snunch, sleep-breakfast, dreampetizers, and predawn fondue nightmare.
Well, you know what? Talking about all this food's making me a little hungry. I could go for a king size Snickers. No! Damn it! I guess I'll just have to go for three regular sized ones.
Jonathan Safran Foer
Stephen: Didn’t this story already exist, it’s called Exodus?
Jonathan: Yeah.
Stephen: So you think you can improve on Moses? You got some Matzah balls, buddy.
Jonathan: Yeah, eh. So, in fact, this is probably of all books ever written the one that’s been revised the most times. There are about 7,000 editions of it. That have been created. Wherever there have been Jews, whenever there have been Jews, there have been new Haggadahs.
Stephen: Every single generation there’s a new Jew who says, “I could do better”? It’s not bad, don’t get me wrong…
***
Stephen: What’s your favorite plague?
Jonathan: It depends on the night that you ask me.
Stephen: Frogs.
Jonathan: Frogs are good.
Stephen: Frogs!
Jonathan: Locusts.
Stephen: It’s less of a plague, more of like a, like a… gift. Frogs!
Jonathan: Right.
Stephen: It’s not like, it didn’t say the frogs devoured their eyes.
Stephen: Now I understand like, if a family, if they have people over, you might have a different copy of this for everyone. Everyone gets their own copy of the Haggadah who is there for the meal.
Jonathan: This is true.
Stephen: Cha-ching. Right? Cha-ching.
Jonathan: Cha-ching.
Stephen: Absolutely.
Jonathan: I-I have to say, you know, the world population of Jews falls within the margin of error of the Chinese census. We’re not talking about that many people. The Koran would probably have been more cha-ching but-
Stephen: Have you thought about rewriting the Koran?
Jonathan: … There’s always tomorrow.
Stephen: Really? Not if you rewrite the Koran.
Sign Off- Good Catch
Looks like Stephen is going to have to reset his “countdown to Mitt” clock. No decisive victory for anyone on Super Tuesday evening (unless you want to say that Santorum has shown shocking staying power), so Stephen the Conservative is still free to support someone else.
Great WORD, with a stupendous ending. And smart Haggadah references, too! (“I have four questions for him.”)
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Mr. Arkadin Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 4:19 AM
“Great WORD, with a stupendous ending.”
You are so right! And it’s a subject not many people on the TV machine are talking about . So it was heartening to see Stephen (and TCR) getting praise for “The Word” from both Glenn Greenwald and Rolling Stone this morning.
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Karenatasha Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 8:57 AM
Thanks for alerting me about the Greenwald thumbs up (and the rest of the article)!
Much appreciated.
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Kris Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 4:24 PM
Looks like Stephen is going to have to reset his “countdown to Mitt” clock.
You have psychic powers:)
The Word was absolutely incredible! When I watched the show and realized that he gave us a prop extravaganza at the beginning, a The Word, and a Food for Thought: I knew this guide was going to be a doozy!
@Mr. Arkadin, I second the thanks for the article info!
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Hey people if you are a subscriber to Reader’s Digest there is a picture of Stephen popping out of a jack in the box I have apicture of it but I don’t know how to put it on the HUB any ideas?
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AgentNutmeg Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 12:51 PM
You can send the staff an email through the contact page and they will let you know if you should send it to them as an attachment: http://www.colbertnewshub.com/contact/
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Kris Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 4:36 PM
Hello Fan Girl 16! Thanks so much for commenting and thinking to share a photo of Stephen with us, this is always welcome ^_^
If you’d like, you can also click on the picture of Stephen next to my name and there is an email address attached to it. I’ll be more than happy to give you further instructions if you need any help.
Also, every Hub staff member has an email address and you can access them all by selecting “Site FAQs” and then “Staff”. That way you can reach out to anyone you want.
Thanks again!
@AgentNutmeg: Thanks so much for giving Fan Girl 16 some advice Agent! Busy day at work and I was unable to check in as I usually would.
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So the government protects us from the terrorists but who protects us from the government?
In theory, the Constitution (which vice versa, also protects the government from the people). But you can see how well that works out sometimes.
I thought this episode was very well put-together. First of all, I loved Stephen with his rolled-up sleeves! Secondly, I was so happy they did a Thought For Food - those are always really funny. I really enjoyed the Jonathan Safran Foer interview. Foer seemed very well spoken, and I really liked what he said about feeling the story of Exodus instead of just telling it. I’ve never heard someone describe the purpose of a story like that before, and it seems that it should be especially true for a story like Exodus. One of the things I have always appreciated about Judaism (and I’m sure the same is true for Islam) is the oral tradition. The act of keeping an idea or story alive for thousands of years simply by telling it to one another tells is something that I think is slowly becoming lost, at least with my generation and those after me. I do think it will always be around, but it’s carrying less and less importance, and I don’t just mean with regards to religion.
Was it just me, or was that sign-off super adorable? His hair looked mighty wonderful, too.
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karenatasha Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 11:21 AM
Actually, Lockhart, believe it or not, Judaism isn’t much for the oral tradition: we are called the “people of the book.” (That book being the Torah.) Rather than telling the story of Exodus each year, you can say that we READ the story-hence the Haggadah. But I can definitely see why you said what you did, because just like those who do practice the oral tradition, we can’t seem to stop changing the story over the years! When my friend and I used to give the Seder, we used what we jokingly referred to as the “ACLU Haggadah.” Interpolated in the tale of Exodus and the traditional songs that go with the holiday was the African-American spiritual “Let My People Go.” Plus, at the end of the book, there was a mention of all the countries dealing with oppression at the time of publication.
I always feel that my people are the original deconstructionists: get five Jews around the Torah and they’ll analyze it until they manage to come up with ten interpretations. There’s always massive disagreement on everything. It’s those new interpretations, after every word is torn apart for its potential meaning, that affect how we understand our history.
*End of Jewish history lesson* And now: What about that hair? It was totally different than usual, except for once about two weeks ago when it looked similar and wasn’t brushed back. Sometimes I find the changes disconcerting!
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lockhart43 Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 11:40 AM
That makes sense. I guess there was more of a writing down of things, whether it was on a piece of paper or a rock. Which still, seems really cool to me. And I always appreciate a good history lesson!
RE: The hair - it was nice to see that light brown-almost reddish hair color, instead of the shellacked dark brown/black. Not that I don’t like that look when it’s done right. I’m pretty easy to please when it comes to the hair and wardrobe department, ha. Whatever they did with it, I just know that I liked it.
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karenatasha Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 11:50 AM
It’s easy to be pleased when it’s Stephen!
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Kris Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 5:01 PM
@Karenatasha- Thanks for sharing so much about your background here, I found it fascinating. Also, thank you for commenting so much on the guide today. It’s much appreciated as I felt badly that I was unable to check in until so late:)
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Kris Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 4:55 PM
In theory, the Constitution (which vice versa, also protects the government from the people). But you can see how well that works out sometimes.
Ah yes, but wasn’t the very point of the segment that the constitutional protection we’ve grown accustomed to is being destroyed bit by bit, ever since the horrible events of 9/11?
The episode was really stellar. There was so much goodness packed into it, even a candy bar subscription couldn’t beat it!
Mr. Safran Foer gave a wonderful interview. He handled Stephen quite nicely and it was both entertaining and informative. I really respect the fact that the Jewish religion is open to changing their perceptions over time and passionately debating the meaning of not only the stories but the language that comprises the books of their faith. I think many other religions could benefit from their example in this. It really underscores the importance of the underlying principles that guide our lives and respecting others perceptions, allowing you to acknowledge that your own perception may be flawed.
Faith= dealing with the fact that you can’t know it all.
I too thought that Stephen’s hair made him look at once boyish and dapper. Also, that pen catch at the end was a smooth move, you could tell he was grateful he pulled it off;)
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I thought it was kind of cute the ending, I thought he was talking to God at first but he was just throwing a pen up in the air
when he had his jacket off he looked like my pastor, because sometimes he takes his jacket/suit off when its warm inside the church building.
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Kris Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 5:05 PM
I don’t know but I think you may be right and he was saying a prayer he’d catch it and then one of thanks when he did!
Stephen has an utterly wholesome quality about him. It allows him to get away with an awful lot;)
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I LOVED Stephen’s no jacket and rolled up sleeves look! It gave me such a thrill to be able to see his forearms. *sighs* And OMG, he interacted with the WORD! I haven’t seen that since the November 28, 2006 WORD: Ecu-Menace (when his anti-comments about Islam had the WORD want to flee and “Stephen” yelled at it to not leave)! I always love a Food For Thought; Stephen trying to “eat” some of the on-screen food had me cracking up (plus the Photoshopped pic of him eating that VERY long candy bar). There were a few times when Stephen almost let forth a character break, but apart from slight smiles, he held his composure, though it would’ve been nice to see one happen. And I really enjoyed the Foer interview. The majority of my friends are Jewish, so maybe I should recommend this book for their next seder!
And I’ll echo lockhart’s sentiments that Stephen’s hair looked great that night. Boyish, but dapper (as Kris said) 
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karenatasha Reply:
March 12th, 2012 at 2:29 PM
I noticed the interaction with the WORD, as well! Thanks for giving us info on when it last happened.
The only problem I see with Foer’s Haggadah is that it’s probably too costly to get a copy for everyone at the Seder table-which is what you would ordinarily do.
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anais0509 Reply:
March 12th, 2012 at 4:56 PM
My pleasure, Karenatasha!
I guess you’re right, considering that my friends and I are a couple years out of college and don’t have money (well…we HAVE money, but you know what I mean). But maybe the next time they’re in a bookstore, they can browse through it for fun!
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Kris Reply:
March 12th, 2012 at 5:29 PM
Stephen definitely had a lot of “looking good” moments in the show:)
Your mind is even more like a trap than mine to remember the last Word interaction like that, bravo!! I must now go to watch the clip…
Oh yes, and Stephen’s near break moments were fantastic. His Food for Thought “pile up” was more humorous by the second. I really didn’t know what poise to take for the guide, it was pure comedy gold for the last ten seconds at least.
With so many Seders in life, I’m sure they’ll own it eventually!
*whispers* psst, don’t let “Stephen” hear me say this but perhaps it will be at the local library by next year.
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anais0509 Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 1:44 AM
*blushes* I thank you for the compliment, Kris! I just have a funny memory like that, especially if it’s a clip that I’ve watched numerous times before because it’s fantastic and thus it gets ingrained into my memory chamber. Speaking of memory, I’m now remembering that the last time Stephen took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves was the October 7, 2008 episode during the crazy town hall meetings period. I also recommend that you watch that! If you can’t find it, just search for the Zombies Threatdown, and it’ll bring you to the 10/7/08 episode page when you click on it.
*whispers back* You’ve nothing to fear about “Stephen” finding out. If he even does look at our website, it’s probably to admire his reflection in our banner above.
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Kris Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 5:43 AM
What was I thinking? “Stephen”, read?
I’m now imagining him scrolling through a picture heavy episode guide singing I Feel Pretty.
I did watch the Word you recommended and the Zombie Threatdown, both stellar clips that were a lot of fun to revisit. You deserve every bit of that compliment! I hereby dub you the Hub’s official episode factonista. Go forth and know this, wherever there is a correlating clip you remember and share, you will find a grateful Hubster there.
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anais0509 Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 7:05 AM
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anais0509 Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 7:06 AM
Or should I make that a slice of cheesecake?
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Kris Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 7:32 AM
Would accepting one of both make me a glutton or can I say that I require the extra energy after having passed out on the other thread?
You’ve already earned the title and like the Highlander, there can only be one. So just do us a favor and stick around for awhile so that no one has to go through the messy experience of absorbing all your powers.
At least, whenever Stephen has to claim another pundit’s power, it rarely looks pleasant.
P.S. Tonight, tonight we’ll see a show tonight and the host of it is never, ever fay. Tonight, tonight we’ll all laugh hard tonight when he implies that baby carrots make him gay.
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karenatasha Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 7:51 AM
STEPHEN’S SO PRETTY (Thanks mostly to Stephen Sondheim-only a few words were changed.)
He’s so pretty. Oh, so pretty. He’s so pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any guy who isn’t him tonight.
He’s so charming, Oh, so charming
It’s alarming what he makes fans feel!
And so pretty.
That I hardly can believe he’s real.
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anais0509 Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 9:02 AM
@Kris: I say the latter.
And no fear of me going away from the Hub any time soon! (…although if I do become MIA, I’ll be back ASAP with a good reason for my absence…but hopefully it won’t come to that again, or a long time yet, whichever comes first.)
@Karenatasha: LOL!
@Both: I love you two. And everyone else as well!)
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karenatasha Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 9:24 AM
And we love you back, Anais!
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Kris Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 9:35 AM
Ditto ♥
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anais0509 Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 9:53 AM
<3
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@Karenatasha
*applauds and throws roses at your feet*
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karenatasha Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 9:40 AM
Aw, thanks. *Blushing*
But I owe it all to Sondheim.
I finally got “Irene” out of my head…and in comes “West Side Story.”
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Kris Reply:
March 13th, 2012 at 4:53 PM
You know they say that good artists borrow, great artists steal. If Stephen were to ask me if your version was great or the greatest, well, I think you know what I’d say. ^_^
At least your brain has excellent taste! What’s awful is getting “The song that never ends” stuck in your head (which is not a cheap shot at Lambchop’s Playalong, come on, fun things is all they ever do.)
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