EPISODE NUMBER: 8066 (March 5, 2012)
GUESTS: Audra McDonald
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012 - Countdown to Loving Mitt - Super Tuesday | Rush Limbaugh Apologizes to Sandra Fluke | Sport Report - Pete Weber, Danica Patrick & the New Orleans Saints | Audra McDonald | Audra McDonald - “Summertime”
SUIT REPORT: Black pinstripe suit | White Shirt | Powder blue tie
VIDEOS: Monday, March 5, 2012
Indecision 2012 - Countdown to Loving Mitt - Super Tuesday
Notable Quotables
- The Report will be your complete source for wall to wall Super Tuesday coverage that I tape before the polls close, edit down to a half an hour, and then air at 11:30.
- But we will have the most up to the minute guesstimates and informative make-em-ups.
Rush Limbaugh Apologizes to Sandra Fluke
Rush Limbaugh’s got it bad for Sandra Fluke and that ain’t good. Rush lambasted Ms. Fluke, who had the audacity to speak out in favor of health care coverage for contraceptives. He drew the logical conclusion that if a woman was in favor of such a thing, she likely has men lined up around the block. Unlike Rush, who uses his own natural birth control technique: being Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh was amazed that Sandra was even able to walk. In Ms. Fluke’s defense, some might find it equally surprising that Rush is able to walk as well. It can’t be an easy task, when you’re so sexually frustrated you’d settle for watching free birth control porn.
Notable Quotables
- Last week congress held a who’s who of who doesn’t have ovaries.
- Good point, Rush. She’s a slut and a prostitute? That’s two jobs and she still can’t afford her own birth control? Come on!
- If the tax payers are going to pay for it, we should be able to watch. That’s why I’ve always said there should be a dedicated YouTube channel for Medicare patients colonoscopies. Come on Mr. Wiengardner, we paid for a peek at those polyps you butt slut!
- I don’t think Rush should have apologized for calling her a prostitute. I mean, it takes one to know one. And remember, he only apologized to keep his advertisers. Proving Rush will do anything with his mouth for cash.
I want to take a moment to talk about the most important issue to voters this year, contraception. This affront to decency comes in many forms: condoms, the pill, the diaphragm, the sponge, the Sham-Wow. It works, it works.
Now, as a Catholic, I endorse only the rhythm method. This is when you "do it" while listening to the Miami Sound Machine. Watch out sperm, the rhythm is gonna getcha.
Yes, because that's how the pill works. The more sex you have, the more birth control pills you have to take. It's one for each sperm. They act like little baby deflectors... And Rush knows what he's talking about because every time he's had sex with a woman, he's had to slip her a pill first.
Yes, slut and prostitute is not the language Mitt would've used. He might've used trollop or wanton harlot or bow-legged dumpster skank.
No surprise there folks, all these products clearly endorse the slut lifestyle. Mattresses to do it on, flowers to thank her for the slutting, and quicken spread sheets to organize who you're going to spread it quick for under the sheets. And legal zoom we all know is just short for legal zoom zoom a zoom and a boom boom.
Sport Report - Pete Weber, Danica Patrick & the New Orleans Saints
Tonight’s Sport Report took a long hard look at Pete Weber’s freak out over winning the US Open in bowling, Ross Shimabuku’s cat fight with Danica Patrick over whether she’s sexy or a… b*!@h, and the unbelievable *snorts* news that NFL players are not only encouraged to injure each other but actually bribed to do it.
Notable Quotables:
- I’m sorry Danica, Ross is a friend and he’s got a point here. If you don’t want to be thought of as sexy don’t poise for the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue, or FHM, or take your clothes off in that Go Daddy.com commercial or that other Go Daddy.com commercial, or shower with a woman in that other Go Daddy.com commercial. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say, she may have go daddy issues.
- Yes, I am shocked, shocked I tell you! That NFL players are being paid bonuses to injure each other? They’re already paid a base salary to injure each other.
Pete Weber: G*d d@^n it, yes! That is right! I did it! I’m level five! Are you kidding me? That’s right! What do you think you are? I am!
Yeah! Who do you think you are? I am! Who’s your daddy? That’s why! Don’t mess with Texas! Jake, it’s Chinatown! This is the Sport Report!
Ross Shimabuku: Oh, I got a few words, it starts with a b and it’s not beautiful. Stephen: Is it b-sexy?
Young lady, if you want to be taken seriously as a competitor you stick to your sport the way male athletes do. Like Tom Brady, Alex Rodriguez, and David Beckham. Here he is, just playing soccer. I think that’s soccer, I’m certainly seeing some balls. And Beckham appears to be bending it.
Audra McDonald
My Guest tonight is starring on Broadway in a revival of Gershwins’ Porgy and Bess. Bess, you is my guest now.
Stephen: Now Bess, she lives there in Charleston and she goes off to New York. I lived in Charleston and I went to New York. So this play’s kind of about me.
Audra: Well, see.. sort of not because it’s-
Stephen: But how? Oh, ’cause I’m- ’cause I’m not black? That’s why.
Audra: No, you’re not black. Seriously, you’re not black. It was written by Caucasian men however about African American life.
Stephen: We prefer to be called white Americans.
Audra: White Americans? I’m sorry… Yes, it was written by DuBose Heyward and George Gershwin and Ira Gershwin.
****
Audra: We’ve eliminated as much of the racial sort of things that would make them more archetypes and stereotypes as we possibly can.
Stephen: So if you go see it you will not be a racist. You don’t have to be a racist to enjoy it is what I’m saying.
Audra: No, although maybe racists would enjoy it as well. I don’t know.
Stephen: It’s for everyone! It’s for everyone!
Audra: Well, you know, Bess is a liqueur guzzling slut, is what they call her. So I imagine Rush Limbaugh would love it. Love it!
Stephen: And I’m sure he’s had his share of enjoying the ‘happy powder’.
Audra: Yes, the happy dust. Yeah.
****
Stephen: Um, can white people do this production? Is it mostly black people? Or can white people do Porgy and Bess.
Audra: I’m gonna tell you what, the are a couple of A- uh, Caucasians… wh-what do you like to be called? White men.
Stephen: White Americans.
Audra: White Americans.
Stephen: White male Americans if you want to be specific.
Audra: Well, there are a couple-
Stephen: Or whitey.
Audra: Or whitey?
Stephen: Yeah, that’s what we call each other. You can’t call us that.
Audra: I can’t-
Stephen: We can only call each other that.
Audra: There’s a couple of, of… whiteys in the show. Um, but they’re sort of outsiders that come in and sort of stir up a little bit of trouble. There was an all white version in uh, I think Denmark during the Nazi, the Nazi era and it got shut down.
Stephen: Yeah, the Nazi’s really captured the spirit of Gershwin on that one.
Audra McDonald - “Summertime”
Summertime,
And the livin’ is easy
Fish are jumpin’
And the cotton is high
Your daddy’s rich
And your mamma’s good lookin’
So hush little baby
Don’t you cry
One of these mornings
You’re going to rise up singing
Then you’ll spread your wings
And you’ll take to the sky
But till that morning
(tell your story whitey)
There’s a’nothing can harm you
With daddy and mamma standing by
Summertime,
And the livin’ is easy
Fish are jumpin’
And the cotton is high
Your daddy’s rich
And your mamma’s good lookin’
So hush little baby
Don’t you cry
MP3, please!!!! *grabby hands*
Tip of the Hat!
+8
You guessed right, SoMuch! I thought he’d sing Thursday, but you got it.
Wasn’t Audra McDonald just wonderful? So relaxed, so much fun, and such an it-getter. Loved every second of that interview.
And loved every second of him savagely mocking Limburger. Coming on the heels of Jon, it just finished the evening off perfectly. Decimate the creep! And those cowardly Republican candidates, too.
Tip of the Hat!
+9
LOVED the interview. The energy between them was so wonderfully playful. And the timbre of his voice when he joined her singing was just heavenly!
Is it wrong for me to want him to sing on Thursday, too? I particularly love his phrasing when he sings something a bit more country/bluesy (I refer you to “Cheap Reward” with Elvis Costello).
Tip of the Hat!
+8
Oh, no, there’s definitely nothing wrong with you wanting him to sing Thursday! I actually thing that type of music suits his voice best. (“Cheap Rewards” is my fave Stephen singing performance.)
I wonder if there will even be singing, though, or if they’ll discuss the archives instead? That seemed to be the emphasis on ColbertNation. But we shall see. I might be late for that show, as I have a seminar that evening. But sometimes I’m back in time and don’t have to watch the DVR.
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+6
Cheap REWARD, that is!
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And apparently, I just noticed, I actually “THING that type of music…”
&$!*!!! And oy vey.
I’m sure you all understand.
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+4
If Rush was having trouble with the ladies before, he can now enjoy being as celibate as he expects Sandra to be. I literally wanted to see Stephen sing “look at me I’m Sandra Dee, lousey with virginity”.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
I swear somuch2kno, I am saving for some software and whatnot to be able to make MP3s in the future. If anyone finds one on the interwebs, feel free to post the link here. Otherwise, once I’ve got the set up to do it, I plan to go back and make the MP3s that have been missed along the way.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
The best place to look for the mp3s is on Tumblr. The Summertime mp3 was up within hours.
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+4
Cosmo, as humbling as it is to admit, I don’t believe I have a good grasp of how to use Tumblr effectively yet. To be honest, it was not long ago that I would have stared blankly at you had you said “html”. Trying my best but am totally new at all this…
Did someone ever put out an MP3 of “La Donna E Mobile”? I would very much like to have it.
Tip of the Hat!
+3
I got one. I finally downloaded a decent program so it’s good quality.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/38145260/La%20Donna%20E%20Mobile.mp3
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+5
And Katt just posted one too.
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You are a sweetheart! I’ve tried to make one a few times but always end up with horrible quality.
Thanks to Katt as well:)
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+4
Oh my god, the guy in the audience with the annoying laugh! It’s the same one from 4 months ago! (Yes, I did a cross analysis. Don’t judge me.) How did he cheat the 6th month rule?
Great show! I lost it at Audra McDonald singing “Tell your story, whitey.”
Tip of the Hat!
+12
@colbaby
Someone probably brought him along as their guest. How “nice” of them …
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+5
Yes, I thought I recognized that laugh. Yikes.
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I ended up turning the show off. The moron laughed at everthing. Really annoying.
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+6
I remember that same laugh too! I wonder if Stephen gets annoyed slightly by such things or if a laugh is a laugh and he loves it no matter what. My god is it painful to listen to though! I don’t know if he is deliberately trying to be heard or if he just has an unfortunate stand-out laugh.
Tip of the Hat!
+6
Picturing Dick Van Dyke floating to the ceiling: “I love to laugh! Long and loud and clear. I love to laugh! It’s getting worse every year!”
Tip of the Hat!
+5
Maybe it’s just me, but I can honestly say that my ears absolutely did not pick up on this so-called laughing guy that everyone keeps talking about. I definitely heard him last time, but somehow I was able to tune him out and focus on Stephen. That or he just didn’t pick up on my hearing radar. I listened to the laughter a bit this time for anything out of the ordinary, but if I heard the culprit, the laughter doesn’t sound the same. Last time it sounded like a whooping sound, like he had whooping cough or something, but this time it didn’t sound like that. Boisterous, yes, but not like last time. Anyways, it puzzles me that it doesn’t bother me…although maybe I shouldn’t complain.
Tip of the Hat!
+4
I have always loved Audra McDonald’s voice, but she’s so funny too. OMG, “tell your story, Whitey.” Stephen gets major props for singing with her.
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+10
The best part was that Stephen told her that white people could only call each other whitey and in typical “Stephen” fashion Audra immediatly called him it. She is a real “it” getter with the voice of an angel to boot. I can’t wait to finish the guide and post that sweet cap of them hugging at the end of the song. I hope she returns soon and since I imagine she’ll have an amazing career, there’ll be no reason not to book her!
Tip of the Hat!
+7
She has had an amazing career, she is very famous in her industry. Her voice is distinctive and beautiful. The problem is, she is a soprano, and was singing in a very high key, so our friend had to go way down low to duet with her. I am glad she played with him and made it fun, it shows that she takes creative license in her art to have lighter moments.
As soon as I saw the hug I thought- Kris will screen cap that!
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+6
Ah, you know me too well ^_^ Unfortunately, I was unfamiliar with her work (before the BKAG and this Ep) but her voice leaves me with no doubt that she’s already done great things.
I too noticed how low Stephen had to go to match her. They really were absolutely fantastic and the performance was so full of joy. I’m finally back in action so caps should be on their way soon!
Tip of the Hat!
+5
I wasn’t going to stay up last night. But I am so glad I did! Of course there was Audra’s now famous quote, “Tell your story, Whitey!” And how she did that without cracking up is beyond me. They have a very nice chemistry together and clearly like and respect each other. So I hereby give Audra McDonald permission to play the understudy for Marion the Librarian in “The Music Man” opposite Stephen as Harold Hill when I, inevitably of course, play the actual lead.
[*wakes up*]
Wow, that was some dream I had last night! Audra McDonald called Stephen “Whitey!” It was hysterical!
Great, great show. I’m even glad he rested up Sunday night. (Sort of.) His brilliance knows no bounds.
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+7
^_^ The performance was definitely worth staying up for (and being tired for the next day). I’m sure Ms. McDonald will be honored to work with such a great and I’ll be able to say “I knew her when”…
Tip of the Hat!
+5
Great takedown of Limbaugh, especially: “And remember, he only apologized to keep his advertisers. Proving Rush will do anything with his mouth for cash.” I loved the glint in Stephen’s eyes when he said that.
By the way, 20 sponsors have left Rush’s show and two radio stations have dropped him, as I write this … the number keeps going up
Here’s a link to that info: http://thinkprogress.org/media/2012/03/06/438585/five-more-advertisers-drop-rush-limbaugh-bringing-total-to-20/
Since money seems to be all Rush really cares about, let’s keep hitting him where it hurts.
Tip of the Hat!
+9
33 of Rush’s sponsors have now bailed (as of 5 pm EST). Maybe Rush is gonna need to slip his few remaining advertisers a pill, too!
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+9
Ha! Caroline, you are awesome!! Thanks for sharing the information and keeping us up to date on the rapid decline of Rush Limbaugh’s career. He won’t be missed.
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I’d like to give you many, many, many tips of the hat for that news!
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I’ve heard that it’s grown to about 42 now, along with 2 radio stations.
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I’d love to give Stephen the credit but I’m afraid Ol’ Rush didn’t even need any help to dig his grave. The sad thing isn’t even that someone’s willing to put him on the air. The sad thing is that enough people buy into that garbage to keep him there.
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+5
I’ve spent my whole life waiting for a woman to look me in the eyes and coo “Tell your story, whitey.” To which I would lovingly reply, “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I AM!” *Sighs*
Major props to Stephen for not bursting into laughter when McDonald sang that “whitey” line to him. Unlike the pianist. Who did a half-Fallon when he heard it. I don’t blame him. That was a great moment.
Tip of the Hat!
+8
Mr. Arkadin sir, tell your story, whitey. Oh, sorry I think I am, you are! My mistake:)
Speaking of Fallon… weren’t we supposed to be witnessing the cumulation of six months of eternal enemy-hood pretty quick here?
Tip of the Hat!
+5
“Mr. Arkadin sir, tell your story, whitey…”
Well. It all began in a suburb far, far away…
I too am expecting a Colbert/Fallon confrontation/reconciliation this week as well.
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+5
Oh Mr. Arkadin, you tease ^_^
Of course, whitey would grow up in a “suburb far, far away”.
Both times now Jimmy and Stephen have been late celebrating their anniversaries, they’re quite lucky that both parties involved are men (though I’d love to see either one feign a tantrum because the other forgot).
Tip of the Hat!
+5
@Kris
‘Late Night’ is on a two week break, so unless Jimmy makes a special appearance, we probbaly wont get a friendship status update until the week of March 19th.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
What a slacker^_^ He can’t take a break from his break to come serenade Stephen?
Seriously though, can’t wait to see what the boys dream up next.
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+5
“a half-Fallon”! Is that a complicated comedic Olympic maneuver?
Mr. A., at this point I think you are owed a whole BOX of cookies. That needs to go into the permanent lexicon (along with headdesk), and I’m going to have to steal it! (Fair warning.)
Tip of the Hat!
+7
Please feel free to use “half-Fallon” all you want. Take it around the block, see if you like it, and if you do, it’s yours to keep!
Thanks as always for the cookies. You’ve been very generous.
Tip of the Hat!
+5
What a great episode!! When the episode first started I was annoyed by the laugh but it kind of faded as the show progressed (for me at least). The only time I like musical performances on the show is when stephen sings along. otherwise they take time away from stephen being able to perform!
Tip of the Hat!
+7
The laugh just kind of added to the ridiculousness for me after awhile. Plus, it was funny to watch Stephen react to it throughout the night. Not saying I’m offering to bring him along as a guest though:)
Whenever a guest sings I’m always just waiting for him to join too. Hard to have too much Stephen! I love your avatar by the way ^_^
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+5
Now I have to go back and watch stephen reacting to the guy reacting to stephen! lol
I recently went to the show with my parents and before I knew ho the guest was I was praying it wouldn’t be a musical guest because I wanted to see more stephen! Thankfully my dream came true (plus I got to hear stephen sing to me during the q&a!!)
Tip of the Hat!
+7
While doing the screen caps there were countless moments where I caught him looking pointedly in the direction of the loud laugher. I sent one particularly priceless cap to Colbaby of it (if you’re interested email me, the link is attached to my avatar).
I remember reading your taping report of being serenaded by Stephen. You are genius for asking that question and I would have loved to be a mouse in your pocket in that moment:)
Tip of the Hat!
+6
I’ll echo everyone’s praises of the Audra McDonald interview, as well as the performance. I never turn down an opportunity to hear Stephen sing! Bless his talent and confidence (and bless McDonald’s talent as well).
The Limbaugh segment was so superb. A cookie and a raise to the person who came up with the term, “buttslut.”
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+6
Their duet was a thing of beauty. It never fails to amaze me how Stephen reaches for the moon and lands on a star.
Hee hee, I think butt slut was a term borrowed but not created in the writers room of the Report:)
Tip of the Hat!
+6
That Rush Limbaugh segment was absolutely SUPERB. Stephen completely tore him to pieces, which is exactly what I’d hoped to see (and Jon did a good job too). This episode was chock-full of sharp-and-to-the-point jokes and ingeniously (yet subtly)-covered innuendoes. Audra McDonald strikes me as a very knowledgable, clever woman, with talent to boot, and their enthusiastic chemistry was just pure joy to watch. And that duet…it almost killed my heart. What’d I’d give for a duet with Stephen…
Tip of the Hat!
+6
Too true, that blade of Stephen’s satire was razer sharp and by the end of the segment Limbaugh was (metaphorically) hacked to bits. Rather like the black knight in Holy Grail, I could picture him screaming “come back here, coward! I’ll bite your legs off”.
Audra gave the kind of interview I only wish more guests were capable of giving: informative and funny. She was quick witted and didn’t let “Stephen” intimidate her. So ironic that a highly intelligent man goes out of his way to play a fool and manages to make some guests even more dumbstruck than if he talked over their heads.
Well, Stephen does have his ear to the music underground. Keep trying and you never know^_^
Tip of the Hat!
+6
LOL! Just for the Monty Python reference, you get a brownie (we need more variation in dessert-based rewards for verbal ingenuity around here)!
It really does strike me how, even after the whole “I’m-just-playing-a-character” talk before each show, Stephen’s guests, half of the time, are still taken aback at the things that “Stephen” says and aren’t sure how to respond because they’re afraid that they’ll say something that’ll come back to haunt them. An interview is a success when guests (like Audra) know the character very well and how to play around with him, don’t try too hard and just say whatever they want with no fear, which is usually met with enthusiasm (both on Stephen’s and the audience’s part). That’s why this one came out so well.
Someday I’ll have a YouTube account that showcases my covers of other songs (that’s all I’m good at musically-wise, anyway). I think that the only way that that dream could even remotely happen is if Stephen was riding a late night YouTube black hole and happened upon a video of me singing a cover of one of his favourite songs, or if he and I happened to be in the same place at the same time (wherever that may be), and he overheard me singing under my breath (as I am prone to doing). Either way, it’s hard to be realistic when your heart dreams so loud.
Tip of the Hat!
+6
Well, I am a sucker for cheese cake but what would you do for a Klondike bar?
Seriously though, I commend you for your effort to retreatify our praise system:)
Completely agree with your analysis of the interview dynamic here. I always think that if I had a important point to make it would be easiest to make it with “Stephen” as he’ll pretend ignorance of anything. People who don’t understand his game are quickly played by it.
I’d love to see/hear you sing. If you ever get some videos uploaded, send a link to my email!
“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.”- Anatole France
Keep dreaming ^_^
Tip of the Hat!
+5
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+6
Looking forward to it!
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+3
“Summertime”.
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+9
You. Are. The. Queen.
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Umm… Not that I’m not grateful. I AM!!! (Thanks, Katt!!!!) And I hate to be a tech dunce, but *sigh* I am. Any way this can be converted to an MP3?
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+6
Do you have itunes? If you’ve already downloaded the song, open up itunes, go to File, scroll down to Library, click on Import Playlist. Then find Summertime in your list of downloads and click Open.
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I don’t have anything that says “import playlist” in my iTunes. Hmmm. Not that I can tell.
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+4
Thanks, colbaby! There were actually a number of choices for downloading the file and I finally stumbled onto the one that actually gave me an mp3 as opposed to wanting to install something on my computer. The new arrival is now snuggled safe and sound with its fellow melodious sweet tidbits. *sigh of contentment*
Tip of the Hat!
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Somuch2know, if you’re still having problems, shoot me an email and I’ll work with you until we get it.
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I’m having problems, too. The issue is the format. It won’t save, so I can’t do what Colbaby said, because that involves having downloaded it first. Hmmmm.
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Do you have windows media player, besides Itunes?
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Karenatasha, I just sent you a zip file via email. Somuch2know, if you need me to do the same for you just send an email my way. If this doesn’t work I’ll try to figure out something else for you. I’m just studying for a test online today so I’m around.
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Karenatasha - when you click on “Summertime” above and it opens the window with all the various play and download options, choose the one in the middle at the bottom of the window that says “click here to start download from sendspace”. That will offer the file in an mp3 format and then when you choose to play it, your itunes library should automatically open.
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+4