January 26, 2012 — Drew Barrymore
EPISODE NUMBER: 8053 (January 26, 2012)
GUESTS: Drew Barrymore
SPECIAL GUESTS: John Harwood | Katrina vanden Heuvel | David Cassidy
SEGMENTS: Colbert Super PAC Hostage Crisis - Day 4 | Indecision 2012 - Mitt Romney & Newt Gingrich in Florida | Sean Hannity’s “The Great American Panel” | The Great Available Panel | Sign Off - Football Throwing
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | Light blue shirt | Blue stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 25, 2012
Colbert Super PAC Hostage Crisis - Day 4
Stephen started the show with a huge tease Hubsters! Will Jon release his hostage, Stephen’s precious baby, I mean, PAC? Will it have as much money as when he last seen it? Will he finally tell the Nation just how much cha-chang is in that thang? Tune in this Monday to find out.
My psychic prediction on how much moola Stephen’s Super PACing: let’s just say hoo, hoo, hoo, go on take the money and run.
He seems pretty confident he’s going to get it back so make sure to “give generously“!
Notable Quotables:
- There was competing time signatures there for a moment. I’m glad 4/4 won.
Jon Stewart will not give it back to me and Seal Team 6 won't answer my calls.
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Indecision 2012 - Mitt Romney & Newt Gingrich in Florida
Stephen bemoans the continuation of the republican primary. Focusing first on Mitt vs. Newt (otherwise known as Wonder Bread Boy™ vs. Frogman) before honing in on Newt and his dark side of the luna(tic) plans and past.
Notable Quotables:
- Yes, the banks are feeling the same thing that your feeling. When they look at your house they also think “that belongs to me”.
- Now, we’ve all heard the sordid details of Newt’s marital history so I do not need to dredge up how he married his high school math teacher. Left her for another woman when she had cancer. Then left that woman for a third woman when the second woman was diagnosed with an incurable case of Newt wanted some strange.
- Yes, he had to follow his heart or whatever was throbbing so loudly.
Big republican debate tonight in Florida, it is the 19th of the season. One more and they win a free debate.
Mitt's not out to win a popularity contest, he is out to win an election. How do those work? Oh, he's up s#*t's creek!
That's right, the moon is going to be a state. Suck it Washington D.C. Suck it dipped in Tang.
Yes, there is no English word for that kind of melt down. The closest is the German "Klausterfokken". Now... compound word klauster-fokken. Foo-ken, Foo-ken.
Someone without Dr. Ablo's psychiatric insight might misdiagnose Newt as a sociopathic pussy hound. God, I hope that doesn't happen. I pray that doesn't happen.
Sean Hannity’s “The Great American Panel”
Stephen is inspired by Sean Hannity for encouraging Meatloaf to share his political views.
Notable Quotables:
- Folks, you know every night this show is just me, singlehandedly giving you your opinion. But recently I’ve noticed some shows let other people talk.
Finally, finally a forum for Meatloaf to express his political views. Until now they were only on his album Farm Subsidies out of hell.
Stephen Colbert’s Great Available Panel
In the tradition of Sean Hannity, Stephen holds his own panel. Who had what it took to make the grade (other than availability)? Only the Chief Washington Correspondent for CNBC, John Harwood. Editor of Nation Magazine and friend of the show, Katrina vanden Heuvel. Last but not least… I think, Star of Stage and Screen, Best Selling Pop Star Artist, and recent First Person Voted Off Celebrity Apprentice, David Cassidy. That’s who.
The panel discusses Newt Gingrich’s electability and Connecticut Mayor Joseph Marturo’s rejectability.
Notable Quotables
Katrina: It’s basically screw and shaft
Stephen: Did you say a screw and a shaft? So a screw and a shaft. So, it’s double teaming the American people? It’s your image.
***
Stephen: Is it so PC now that you can’t have tacos? Is that what it is?
John: You can have tacos, you just can’t say repulsive things about Latinos when you’re talking about tacos.
Stephen: He didn’t, he said tacos. If-if he would say “I wouldn’t eat a taco. I would not eat a taco because it’s a filthy cuisine.” That would be.
John: He’s an idiot.
Stephen: He’s an idiot.
Katrina: But the measure of what we saw in his response, which was obscene . Is a measure of what happened in that city. Where Latinos were beaten, harrassed that’s what, you know. That’s the kind of mentality. The attitude.
Stephen: But how does eating a taco hurt that?
Katrina: You don’t say that kind of thing. You don’t say that kind
of thing after your police force-
Stephen: You’re the PC police, that’s the thought police, it’s the food police.
First of all, Great Available Panel, do you have your cab receipts? Thank you very much. (Mr. Harwood: I didn't put the tip on there yet.) Oh that's alright, that's alright, we don't reimburse for tips. Okay? Okay and we'll get a check out to you guys in twelve to eighteen weeks. Thank you so much.
Well, first of all, I'm in an open marriage with my political predictions right now.
(On Newt Gingrich) He is a street fighter with a poisonous history. Race baiter. Baits the liberal, mythic liberal media and this is a guy who will go as low as he can to rile up the base.
John Harwood: But you're still attracted to him.
You know what the constituents there, in his little town are going to say? "Vaya con dios a mi Mayor!"
Stephen: Anyone can answer this: best pie?
John: Apple pie.
Stephen: Wrong!
Katrina: American Pie.
Stephen: Close.
Stephen: That too much of a hard ball question for you?
David: Wait, I mean, I’m lost.
Stephen: By the way, the answer is blueberry.
I’m glad I didn’t know you were that kind of capitalist when I used to kiss your poster on my wall.
I believe he asked me.
Interview: Drew Barrymore
My guest tonight is in a new movie about whales trapped under the arctic ice. It must be a period piece about when there was arctic ice.
Stephen: I’ve been a fan of yours ever since you were a kid. You’re not a kid now. Obviously you’re a mature woman. You’re a Hollywood power player. Can we talk about E.T. for a second, just real quick? Okay? You cry in that movie. Did Stephen Spielberg make you cry? Because if he harmed a hair on your head…
Drew: Are you gonna protect me?
Stephen: I will protect you. He is a jerk!
***
Stephen: Why did dad leave mom? You wanna know. Why are you guys alone?
Drew: You could call it the Where’s Mexico?, like, version. Cause I say that in the film. Nobody obviously got that but…
Stephen: No, I know. I understand. Where’s Mexico? That’s the heartbreaking moment.
Drew: That’s where the dad is! He’s in Mexico.
Stephen: I know that! You don’t have to tell me!
Drew: He’s in Mexico with Sally and then she goes and cries in the sink.
Stephen: I don’t like Sally.
Drew: Neither do I. She’s a whore.
Stephen: Thank you. Thank you.
***
Drew: Tom Brokaw was, apparently, a sucker for these stories.
Stephen: (as Brokaw) Ted loved whales. Three whales are trapped in the arctic ice and the ice cutters are making their way. This should- this should really be a movie.
Stephen: Is there an album of like, like whaling songs to go with this?
Drew: Do you happen to know of any good whale songs?
Stephen: Oh, there’s so- (sings) Hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises early in the morning. You sing that, you get that. Put a little Jay-Z on there or something like that. Mary J. Blige.
Drew: What if we did like, a Stephen Colbert, you know sings songs for the whales CD?
Stephen: *whale noise*
Sign-off- Football Throwing
That's it for the Report everybody. Goodnight!
I want some of whatever David Cassidy is on. Wow. And I’m not really much of a Drew Barrymore fan, but that interview was delightful. “She’s a whore.” Ha! Take that Sally.
And I know you all get these emails too, but this cracked me up this morning:
“But if Stephen ever gets the Super PAC back and sees what’s missing, I’m afraid he’ll get violent. He’s not very good at it – he just sort of flails his arms around like one of those inflatable car-dealership guys. But he lands the occasional blow, and his weeping and spittle can stain my tie.”
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Kris Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 3:20 AM
I think all those years of fake baking fried his brain a little.
Drew and Stephen definitely had some interesting mating ritual going on there.
“The female of the species presents her hands in a symbol of affection. At her instigation the male produces a guttural cry.”
It was super cute watching them try to impress each other.
I can just see Jon standing passively by while “Stephen” vents his anger. Rolling his eyes at the fresh spittle stains on his tie whenever Stephen’s not looking .
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Kris Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 3:21 AM
Oh, and the guide should be up soon everyone. Thanks for waiting!
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It’s like the interview was one long set-up to Stephen being able to do his whale impersonation from Second City haha. Drew seemed to know it was coming. Anyway, she sure seems like a fun fangirl!
The panel was kind of a mess wasn’t it? John Harwood mostly joked the whole time, Katrina took it way too seriously (which is fine, but it didn’t really meld well with the rest), and David was definitely on something. Oh and blueberry pie? I don’t know about that one. Why have only blueberries when you can have Triple Berry? That’s my vote.
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Kris Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 8:33 AM
I was just waiting for the Second City whale song the entire time as well:) Any interview where Stephen’s primary goal is to impress his guest is always a good time. It’s not often you see the guest return the favor and the combination was fantastic.
I completely agree, the panel was a mess! Which was pretty great because it made the point of Stephen’s satire really well. It was very much like watching any program where “differing views” are brought together to hash through a problem but instead of reaching any reasonable agreements, it usually serves to only further confuse the issue. The participants more concerned with their point being heard than any discussion or perhaps their goal to be entertaining without having a clear point at all.
I for one vote Cheesecake, technically a pie. Look it up in your gut, I know I will.
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AgentNutmeg Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 9:57 AM
I liked the panel being a mess! And Stephen got to make that double-teaming joke. I kind of think I’d like to see them do another panel sometime with different guests; Stephen is an awesome ringmaster.
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colbaby Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 8:16 PM
I agree. I think an awkward mess was exactly what they were going for since, like Kris said, it’s perfectly in keeping with Hannity. It’ll be interesting to see if they try it again.
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Kris Reply:
January 29th, 2012 at 2:31 PM
It’s always fun to see Stephen with a new toy to play with and the panel is definitely new fodder for him.
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My favorite line of the night:
Someone without Dr. Ablo’s psychiatric insight might misdiagnose Newt as a sociopathic pussy hound.”
Damn, this has been a good week for Newt bashing.
Kris, I agree that the Drew Barrymore interview had a mating ritual vibe to it. How many times did she touch her hair? They were very cute and stayed respectful. I have always liked her. She seems very genuine and sweet.
The panel was a fun idea, but the wrong mix of guests. David Cassidy was cringe-worthy. Whatever substance David (s) was using made him lose all sense of timing, apparently.
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Karenatasha Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 8:36 AM
I think panels work better with Jon, where he has a group of tried-and-true writer/comedians who work with him and with each other regularly. It’s hard when you just bring the people in that day, and they’re not professional performers. (Well, Cassidy is a professional performer, I suppose, but not of this type.)
When Stephen has two people of opposing sides on, and he’s jumping between one and the other, that’s usually more successful.
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Kris Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 8:54 AM
They way they cut to the “serious side shot” as soon as he said it was pretty great. Stephen really pulled off his dead pan, hoping and praying that no one would leap to such a spot on assessment.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed that (though with such it-getting fans, how could I be?). At one point, she had her hair flipped over her head like an extreme comb over ^_^ Going through the interview, there were a lot of caps I to pick from between these two.
It was nice to see him have a respectful interaction like this. Unlike certain unforgettable interviews of the past *looks at Jane Fonda*.
Ha! It’s true it, was cringe-worthy. A perfect homage to it’s predecessor.
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I agree wholeheartedly with Erika and Caroline on the “Great Available Panel.” It was one of the rare segment that just didn’t work. I didn’t think Cassidy was stoned or drunk. I just thought he’s become his father, Jack. A kind of minor league ham who thinks he’s John Barrymore or Orson Welles. Pretty sad really.
But otherwise the show was fine. I love how they take Newt’s big head and put it in a small square over Stephen’s shoulder making it look gigantic! Like it’s Moby Dick coming to get Captain Stephen!
As far as Drew flirting with Stephen. I think that’s just something she does. After all, she showed Letterman her boobs years ago. So this was kind of tame… Poor Stephen.
PS Thanks for the spell check, Cate!
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Kris Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 10:15 AM
I was wondering if/when someone was going to mention the Letterman flash! I was actually watching the show the night that happened. A part of me kept waiting for her to jump up on the table. Even though I know it’s been years and she’s not likely to be so spontaneous. I’m sure Stephen wouldn’t have complained if she had though:) Neither would most of America.
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karenatasha Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 10:26 AM
Well, I did include a clip of it on my “Better Know a Guest!”
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Kris Reply:
January 29th, 2012 at 2:35 PM
I’m an idiot, I totally forgot. Especially stupid since when I seen it, I was at work and planed to watch it later. Thanks for reminding me! *rushes off to watch clip*
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“I’m glad I didn’t know you were that kind of capitalist when I used to kiss your poster on my wall.”
LOL
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AgentNutmeg Reply:
January 29th, 2012 at 6:12 AM
The pause before “poster” was good too
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Kris Reply:
January 29th, 2012 at 3:28 PM
The look on her face right after she said it! She looked like a kid caught with her hand in the candy jar but wasn’t sorry.
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Thanks for posting the Drew heart hands picture. She’s so smart and cute, and loves you Stephen. The whole show was great.
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CN Helper Reply:
January 29th, 2012 at 2:28 PM
If you haven’t been welcomed to the blog yet, welcome Connie! Nice to have you.
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Kris Reply:
January 29th, 2012 at 3:31 PM
Hi! You’re more than welcome^_^ I thought that moment was cute too. It seemed like Stephen was just as much a fanboy as Drew was a fangirl. The nights show was definitely unique. It’s great that they keep the show fresh like that.
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It was kind of nauseating and funny to watch Stephen lob softballs at Ms. Barrymore in the interview, he definitely put the hammer away. She seems like an it-getter, although I remember her explaining to Jon Stewart a few years ago that she had just learned what the word “bipartisan” meant. Bless her heart.
I will be a little contrarian here and say that I liked the panel. It was something different, and the subjects themselves were quite funny. Mr. Cassidy was a little random, but no less so than Mr.? Meatloaf. In the end, he managed to win over the crowd with his antics. I would like to see more panels in the future.
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Kris Reply:
January 29th, 2012 at 3:37 PM
Stephen was playing nice for sure!! When ever he does that I get a kick out of it because it’s fun to see him be a fan and get excited. This one took the cake on the sap level though:)
I also enjoyed the panel for it’s awkwardness and it’s spot on satire of the “legitimate” panels out there. I had to chuckle at your “Mr. Meatloaf”.
I’m sure it’s a huge relief for Stephen to have an extra segment where he can get the focus off himself and go unscripted. We all know how much he loves improvising and it’s always fun to see him in his element.
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I will be completely satisfied if David Cassidy never appears on this show again. It’s funny, in the Terry Gross episode recap from the night before, I mentioned how I was loving everything that the show was doing and then they went and did something I didn’t love. As much as I liked the idea of it, and as great as Stephen was at improvising through it all, there were just too many awkward points during it that just made it uncomfortable for me to watch. Which is really partly my fault. But still. I want David Cassidy not to appear on my favorite show ever again.
I loved the rest of the show though! I didn’t know what to expect with the Drew Barrymore interview, and I ended up liking it; they had good chemistry. And bless Stephen’s heart for his “Song for the Whales!” That made my night.
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Kris Reply:
January 30th, 2012 at 3:47 PM
There are not a lot of Cassidy lovers here:) You know what the best part of the Partridge Family was? The opening credits bar none. It’s not really your fault that it made you uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure that’s what they were going for.
I wasn’t sure what the Barrymore interview had in store either. I can distinctly recall wishing Ms. Gross was appearing on Thurs. but I once again lucked out on my night and the interview was great. However, Wednesdays was a show that is hard to compete with. Both Sendak and Gross? A show you don’t mind pouring over for hours on end for sure!
“Song for the Whales!” I don’t think it will ever get old, hearing the story or Stephen’s impersonation. That poor girl’s one shot shtick has been made a thing of legions by Mr. Colbert. It would be awesome to find out who she was. Can you imagine having someone tell a story that people love about you and maybe never even know it? Crazy.
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lockhart43 Reply:
January 30th, 2012 at 4:58 PM
My favorite part of the “Song for the Whales” story is hearing Stephen tell it. His face just lights up (like when you see him tell it on Charlie Rose) and you can tell by his voice what a happy memory that is.
And you’re right - it’s going to take a lot to top just that Sendak interview, let alone the episode! My best friend actually brought up the Sendak interview when I was out with friends last night, so I got to laugh about it all over again.
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Kris Reply:
January 30th, 2012 at 5:06 PM
He told it at the Wellmont Theater and it was absolutely fantastic. It was the longest I’d ever heard him do the whale noises and I’ve seen him tell the story on film a few times.
It’s funny I was just rewatching the start of the Charlie Rose interview the other day. Bored, waiting for a friend to show up. My favorite part is when Stephen says something about how Jon now treats him like a peer, when answering how their relationship has evolved over the years. Mr. Rose, ever perceptive, asks Stephen how he treats Jon. The way Stephen stutters over the answer before being “proud” to say he can treat him like a peer because Jon is “so generous”. Wow, it really says a lot about how highly he respects Jon.
Sounds like you had a great time! I wish my friends were Colbert fans like me so I could freak out with them over his awesomeness. Thank goodness for the Hub:)
And thanks for posting!
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I will say that if you are a fan of Drew Barrymore and Jon Stewart, you should definitely check out the film “Wishful Thinking”. It is a bit off beat and quirky but I real enjoyed it, and you get to see young Jon without a shirt.
The full movie is available on YouTube, but of course going out and buying it would be better!!
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Kris Reply:
January 31st, 2012 at 5:18 AM
I was a fan of Barrymore’s growing up, I’m surprised I missed this. Between Jon and Stephen’s bromance, Jon and Drew’s romantic comedy, and Stephen and Drew’s flirting there is a lot to enjoy here.
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