EPISODE NUMBER: 8048 (January 23, 2012)
GUESTS: Bruce Bueno De Mesquita
SPECIAL GUEST: Jon Stewart
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012 - Newt Gingrich’s South Carolina Kill | Indecision 2012 - Herman Cain’s Bitter-Sweet South Carolina Victory | Rock Me Like a Herman Cain South Cain-olina Primary Rally - Cain-elot Revisited | Sign Off - Sniffing a Marker
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | Eggshell white shirt | Navy/blue tie
VIDEOS: Monday, January 23, 2012

Sadly, we find ourselves once again bereft of a potential Colbert candidacy, and Jon Stewart has commandeered control the Super PAC Zeppelin for the foreseeable future. We at Colbert News Hub can assure all you readers that even Stephen sneezing in the direction of a presidential run ignited a firestorm of media interest, so it is kind of sad to see it end so quickly, despite the fact the number of votes garnered by “Cain” was so impressive. Those 24 voters in Iowa must have been pretty hard core Cain-lovers (maybe actually former lovers?) in comparison to the whopping 6,000+ votes he received in South Carolina. That’s not only the Colbert bump, that’s a Colbert campaign right there.

The review of the Rally in and of itself was hilarious, and when Cain started singing, that was just the high point for me. I hope Mr. Cain enjoyed the Rally, he was a very good sport to participate. It would be hard to see the “statue” Mitt Romney participating with equal enthusiasm.

I also very much liked the fantastic interview with Mr. Bueno de Mesquita. The idea that one can accurately predict behavior with game theory sounds very Dr. Strangelove to me, but when it comes to predicting the actions of rogue nations, I am sure it is incredibly useful. If Bruce could discern what Stephen is going to do this election year, he definitely would have my respect. But some people are just unpredictable! Stephen is always that.

What did you think of this fine ep? Sound off in the comments.

Quotables

Indecision 2012 - Newt Gingrich’s South Carolina Kill

Thank you my brothas! Thank you my friends and lovahs!

Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney on Saturday. After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hamsphiire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill, which is generally he moves onto something better.

(nonchalantly) No. He doesn’t see that Juan Williams, which you would understand if you and your homeboys would understand if you weren’t so high from smoking food stamps.

Indecision 2012 - Herman Cain’s Bitter-Sweet South Carolina Victory

I urged South Carolinians to vote for me by voting for Herman Cain, and when all the votes were counted, we came in NUMBER ONE….percent. We are the 1%! Eat it, “others,” and “statistical anomalies.” We made it to integers.

I have a major announcement to make, I will give the networks a moment to break into their programming to carry this live.

It is with a heavy heart, and a spastic colon, that I am re-suspending Herman Cain’s suspended campaign.

I’m not running, so let’s sign the transfer papers, did Trevor not send them to you?

Rock Me Like a Herman Cain South Cain-olina Primary Rally - Cain-elot Revisited

It gave me so much hope to see so many students so willing to skip class on such short notice.

Though the campaign is over, don’t let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment, that was known as Cain-e-lot.

I’m not going to be going after this man’s opponents. I won’t be saying things like, “the only difference between Mitt Romney and a statue of Mitt Romney is that the statue never changes its position. That would not be positive, even for the statue.

The pundits have asked, ‘is this all some joke?’ I say, that if they are calling being able to form a Super PAC, and collecting unlimited, untraceable amounts of money from individuals, unions, and corporations, and spend that money on political ads and for personal enrichment, and then surrender that Super PAC to one of my closest friends while I explore a run for office, if that is a joke, then they are saying that our entire campaign finance system is a joke, and I don’t know about you, but i have been paid to be offended by that.

Interview Quotables

“Why bad behavior is almost always good politics.” Sounds like someone is a Gingrich fan. Please welcome Bruce Bueno de Mesquita!

If you write a book for a dictator, doesn’t every page say, “Great job, boss!”

BBdM: The point of the book is that dictators and democrats aren’t all that different from each other, they want to stay in power, they’ll do what it takes to stay in power.

..so you admit Obama is a dictator.

BBdM: He would like to be….I have no doubt about it. Of course, it would be much easier to be president if you didn’t have to have an election, be popular, get votes, it’s much better if you can get 20 people to decide who’s going to run the country.

BBdM: Game theory is a way of understanding how people compete with each other…like playing chess. You look ahead, and you figure out, what’s the other guy going to do, and what’s the move I can make….to steer the game where I want it to work out.

That’s why I throw off guys like you by bursting into tears, and sweeping all the players off.

BBdM: Unfortunately, I have no wisdom, I have a computer model. So, if I had a little bit more time with you, I could construct a data set, and I could probably work out what you are going to do, what I am going to do in response, what your audience is going to do, and so forth.

******

What car did you buy?

BBdM: I bought a BMW 528 xi.

Because you ran the probability of what car would get you laid?

*****

BBdM: “Scorched earth” [strategy] worked really good in the South.

Not for the Southerners.

BBdM: It’s going to work for Gingrich, he’s not going to win the presidency, but he will get the nomination.

Have you ever pitted your skills against a magic 8 ball?

BBdM: Funny you should ask that…[against a magic 8 ball] the game theory model tends to win.