EPISODE NUMBER: 8043 (January 12, 2012)
GUEST: Mike Allen | Mike D
SPECIAL GUESTS: Jon Stewart | Trevor Potter
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012 - Colbert Super PAC - Coordination Problem | Indecision 2012 - Colbert Super PAC - Coordination Resolution with Jon Stewart | Mike D’s Hip Hop Semantics | Sign Off - iPad eBook
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | Light blue shirt | Maroon tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tonight’s show was as sweet and rare as finding a South Carolina peach in the quickly disappearing arctic tundra. The fans were on fire right off the bat and Stephen responded by blowing a kiss and saluting the audience.
Indecision 2012- Colbert Super PAC- Coordination Problem & Resolution with Jon Stewart
Stephen wasted no time jumping right in and nailing the liberal media for their obsession with him. Most recently, they’ve been picking apart the results of the Public Policy Polling’s “p-p-poll“, which declared him victor over Jon Huntsman in South Carolina. Colbert reminded us of the last election and what a painful experience it was for him but as you’ll see, he somehow found the the strength to overcome it.
Notable Quotables:
- Now clearly, my fellow South Caroliniacs see me as the only viable Mitt-ternative.
- Romney is not communicating with the Super PAC in any way, shape, or form. It is the exact same relationship he has with voters.
- Just because you spend time on an island with someone does not mean you coordinate with them. After all, Gilligan never even learned the Professor’s real name.
Stephen: Jon, are you okay? Are you okay, Jon?
Jon: I believe I have a pure cash erection right now.
Stephen: Now, you’re gonna want to put a bag of frozen peas on that.
Jon: I certainly will.
Clearly it's a tough decision and I would not want to be in my shoes. But I am. And folks, they're incredibly expensive.
So, this is a difficult decision. I've talked it over with my spiritual adviser. I've talked it over with my money. But I haven't yet talked it over with my money's spiritual adviser. Please welcome former FEC Chair, General Counsel to the 2008 McCain campaign, my personal lawyer Mr. Trevor Potter.
Oh Trevor, I wouldn't want to even create the appearance of electoral skulduggery, if that's a word I can say on a family show. But I think, I think there may be a guy, Jon.
Stephen: Let’s see, I sign, I sign here and then I believe you sign there.
Jon: Okay, I’d be happy to do that. Is there any sense, by the way, of how much money we have in this thing? Because I certainly think as the guy whose running it I would-
Stephen: Ah, that is - that is how much.
Jon: Ah, heh, oh!
Trevor Potter: Colbert Super PAC transfer activate.
“Nation, I have a major announcement to make. For over a day now the people of South Carolina have been crying out for someone who can restore our nations former greatness to it’s current perfection. Well, America that someone is now. I am proud to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee to lay the ground work for my possible candidacy for the President of the United States of South Carolina. I’m doing it! Drop ‘em Jimmy! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! And with your help and possibly the help of some sort of outside group that I am not coordinating with we can explore taking this country back. Thank you! God bless you all! And God bless Citizen’s United!”
Mike D’s Hip-Hop Semantics
Stephen “leaps to the defense” of friend of the show, Will Shortz (crossword puzzle creator extraordinaire). Mr. Shortz is in a heated debate with Web Blogger, Julieanne Smolinski, over a cross word clue: “Wack, in hip-hop”. The answer to which, was illin. Ms. Smolinski contests that illin does not mean the same thing as wack. To which Mr. Shortz responded by calling upon the likes of Robert L. Chapman (editor of the Dictionary of American Slang) and Tony Thorne (author of the The Dictionary of Contemporary Slang) to defend his definition.
Fortunately for America, Stephen was prepared and with the help of special guest “Beastie Man” Mike D, settles the dispute once and for all. How did they settle it, you might ask? Certainly not by looking at any reference book. No, by going directly to the source, hip-hop musician’s usage of the term.
Side note: Mike D is best known as the vocalist, drummer, and head grammarian for hip-hop group the Beastie Boys, who have been fighting for our right to party since 1986.
Notable Quotables:
- Will Shortz or as we call him in our anagram club, Whiz Trolls.
- If you step to Will Shortz he will beat you down and across.
Interview
Stephen: Dr. D, what a plea- what an honor, I am sure you’ve heard all about this tragic drive by Shortzing.
Mike D.: Well, it’s all the talk of the hip-hop community, Stephen.
Stephen: So Mike, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha think?
Mike D.: Well, Mr. Shortz and Ms. Smolinski both make salient points. When Easy E states in Boyz-n-the-Hood, how he is, “bored as hell wants to get ill”, we can infer that getting ill is the opposite of boredom. A form of diversion, if you will.
Stephen: True because wanting to get ill, where does he go? To the spot where his home boys chill.
Mike D.: Exactly! Point, Ms. Smolinski. However, if I may point to an earlier work. The first modern usage of illin appears in Run DMC‘s seminal recording You Be Illin’ In which, they cleverly observed, “You proceeded to eat it cause you was in the mood but homes you did not read it. It was a can of dog food, you be illin’.”
Stephen: Well, I think that we can all agree that eating dog food for dinner is most certainly wack.
Stephen:: So, if I’m hearing you correctly, right now it is a tie?
Mike D.: Hmm, not so fast, Dr. Colbert. I refer you to 1986′s anthemic Time to Get Ill. In this case, being a fragment of mentally ill and therefore, an exhortation to abandon one’s inhibitions, as opposed to acting badly.
Stephen: Well, it would be clear then, my friend, that Will Shortz has been Mike Denied.
Mike D.: Mm, verily. Julieanne Smolinski is the victor and if I may, Mr. Shortz-
Mike Allen
My guest tonight is the "go to" source for insider Washington gossip. I'm gonna ask him which senators have gotten jowl tucks.
Mike: Politico is so fast that we already have, we have an analysis of your prospects in South Carolina. Should you choose to make an even more historic announcement.
Stephen: Way-way-way-wait. What are my, what are the prospects for me in my South Carolina. I’m still in the exploratory stage, you realize.
Mike: I have bad news, you have a ceiling. Your ceiling according to Politico is 5% but-
Stephen: How do you know my ceiling is 5%? I’m starting at 5%. My floor, my floor and my ceiling are at 5%?
Mike: Here’s the thing.
Stephen: People wanna hear the real stories. The people wanna hear the stories from little towns like Davis Station or 96 or Clumpson or Columbia or Charleston or Merle’s Inlet or Mumps Corner or Summerville or Akin. Alright, those are the real stories. Or Hellhole Swamp. Those, those are the real stories.
Mike: But you do need to know what’s going on in the “real America” which contrasts what’s going on in this studio.
Stephen: Oh, this is the real America. Isn’t it ladies and gentlemen?
…
Stephen: I imagine Romney smells like an antiseptic peppermint. What is he really like in person?
Mike: He may seem like a peppermint, uh but uh, behind the scenes he can be tough. We’re told by people who’ve run afoul of him, when you get in trouble with him, that’s a Mitt-frontation.
Stephen: Really?
Mike: And you don’t want a Mitt-frontation.
…
Mike: You might think that he looks clean cut.
Stephen: He does look clean cut.
Mike: (whispers) He’s got some vices.
Stephen: Really? He’s a dirty whore? What are his vices?
Mike: When he’s off camera, he eats pizza.
Stephen: He eats pizza! Wait, are Mormons not allowed to eat pizza? That is a really hard selling point for a religion.
Mike: His other secret vice. KFC, eats fried chicken but pulls the skin off.
Stephen: That guy sounds fun.
Sign off- iPad eBook
Other than this one, this post will contain no complete sentences, as I am unable to form them properly following the awesomeness that was the first segment of this episode.
Trevor Potter! Wait, wha…Jon Stewart! I can’t even…this is so brilliant…so happy, I just, I can’t even…non-coordination!
Sure tomorrow better will be I.
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Doctor come quickly! There’s a patient whose overdosed on Colbert. Turn on Fox News, it may be their only chance. ^_^
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Awesome! Excuse me while a go put a bag of frozen peas on myself.
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*Sighs* There are so many Colbert related… well, I guess I can’t say injuries, today but still.
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I’m bowled over by this. Yet another lesson in the workings of a SuperPac, with a potential campaign in the offing.
And as always-Stephen surprises. Never saw this coming. Never.
I must lie down. Smelling salts, please….
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The emergency room continues to fill. Tensions mount, will the Colbert Nation be able to recover from their devastating injuries?
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Um. Wow. Well all I can say is that we support you all the way, Stephen!
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Huzzah! Three cheers for Stephen. Hip, hip, h- Oops, I pulled my hip before I could get to my hooray.
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Kris, you are seriously spoiling us with the ep guides. Gifs, oh my oh my!
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Katt gets credit for the dancing Stephen’s. Glad you’re enjoying them:)
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Katt should get credit for a lot of things that make us look good and that nobody knows about. Shh! don’t spoil our secret.
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Oops! Mums the word, eh?
Truthfully this episode was just so great that I had to go all out.
I know there are people who have a hard time accessing the clips so I wanted them to be able to read some of the outstanding dialog. For those of us who have easy access its all about the pictures so I wanted to do something special there too. It would have been easy to pull a regular sized episode guide out of what got tossed.
No matter how many times I had to watch the same scenes it was entertaining. A brilliant episode start to finish.
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Loved the EP credit - Jon Stewart (but I really don’t know him that well).
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Great catch Anna S!!
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I must say, I knew that Jon was going to be on the show tonight, but I never saw this coming!! I tip my hat to you Sir Stephen of Surprises!!
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It was almost a shame that Politico spilled the beans for the folks in the states… almost. This year may be the most exciting ever and I didn’t think anything would ever top the Rally. Oh me of little faith.
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This may just be the greatest stunt he’s ever pulled. I don’t know a more brilliant way of sending up the CU decision. It’s just..gah! No words! There are no words!
Did everyone get their email from Jon? “But I want to be clear: Stephen and I have in no way worked out a series of morse-code blinks to convey information with each other on our respective shows.”
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Isn’t it fantastic? Our boys really outdid themselves this time!
I loved this part of the press release:
Colbert is currently exploring a run for President of the United States of South Carolina. Because of this, he cannot be associated with any Super PACs, although he has asked Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow to forward any periodicals of an “adult nature.”*
* Including the periodical “Adult Nature”.
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Brilliant!
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A truer word never spoken.
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YAYAY!! This will be my first time voting and so far I’ve been unamused by all the candidates… this solves my problem!!! I love when things like this happen on the show because it means pure comedy gold!!
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Lucky duck! I hope you’re in S.C. or FL. If so, I think you’ll be in for a good time very soon.
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I was actually talking about the real election! I have full faith that colbert will beat these other “candidates”!
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^_^ I figured you meant it was your first Presidential election. It’s lucky that you have such an interesting year to kick start your voting tenure. If Stephen wins the election while satirizing it, it would be the election of a lifetime. Go Stephen!
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Love this. And I bet all the power players in US politics *hate* the way Stephen is shining a light on the absurdities of our system.
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I’m sure Karl Rove is not a big fan:)
Now I’m picturing Stephen and Jon as Mulder and Scully, investigating some unknown terror in the dark with their trusty flashlights. I know, I’m weird.
“I want to believe”… In Stephen 2012!
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With Trevor Potter as Skinner and Rove as the Cigarette Smoking Man? Oh the truth is out there all right.
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No one will be surprised when it turns out that Romney’s an mutant. But they’ll never see Stephen’s alien love child coming. (Oh X-files, why did you have to jump the shark?)
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I’ve managed to repress the last 3 seasons. An explosive rant about super soldiers and colonizations will probably come spilling out over Thanksgiving dinner twenty years from now.
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At one point I could have actually told you the name of every episode for the first six years. Oh, yes. I still have some of the comic books. Fortunately I knew when to jump ship and have still never seen the last few years of the show. Did you ever play the computer game? Mulder and Scully were barely in it but it had subliminal messaging (I did not realize this at first, so fair warning). Play that late at night, in the dark, by yourself and try to tell me it’s not creepy.
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Haha, sounds like your obsession matched my own. I had stacks of vhs tapes that I had recorded episodes on and completely worn out from rewatching them so many times. (My lord that vampire episode got rewatched a LOT.) I’m pretty sure my brother held onto our comics. I’ve never played the computer game but I can imagine it’s all kinds of creepy.
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OHHH, OHHHH — A PHILE, A PHILE!
I am an X-Files freak-or I was. A huge fan.
But-who’s Mulder and who’s Scully? And should Jon be Skinner?
Once Mulder left the show was over. In reality, it was over before that. The first five, six years were great though. My faves were all Darin Morgan’s: Humbug, Jose Chung’s from Outer Space, Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose. The best.
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I was using Stephen as Scully, for comical purposes above. He’d definitely be Mulder though. The zaney one dragging the logical and skeptical Jon into adventures all the time. Hmm, sounds a little too familiar.
Colbaby’s assertion that Trevor Potter should be Skinner was spot on. He’s kind of always in the background, helping but never getting directly involved. Perfect.
Hodgman, Munn, and Oliver would be the Lone Gunmen, I think.
For reasons we don’t even need to get into Rove would have to be the CSM.
Why, plot bunny, why? Colbaby, I’m looking at you -_o
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I think Stephen has to be Mulder because he believes in keeping fear alive! Paranoia persists. That’s Mulder. Scully is always trying to restore sanity.
I agree that Potter should be Skinner, except my Skinnerite pals would wail that he isn’t bald enough.
And if Rove is CSM-who’s Ratboy?
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Oh-Ratboy is Alex Krycek, just in case you don’t remember.
My other fave episode is Chris Carter’s “Irresistible.” Do you remember that? It was the only non-paranormal with the necrophiliac serial killer. Also Vince Gilligan’s eps, too: Pusher, Paper Hearts, and Small Potatoes. (Gilligan now writes and exec produces “Breaking Bad.”
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All very valid points, especially the baldness^_^ Seriously though the points you make about Stephen and Jon are really apt.
I love how easy it is to take Jon and Stephen’s characters and drop them into so many different situations and the just work. Archetypes at their best.
The Ratboy comment made me do that startled laugh. The kind where you know if you’d been drinking something it would have shot out your nose. Thanks!
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Oy! I tried to respond to your second comment but didn’t make it in time. I loved Small Potatoes (had my Governor it in don’tcha know?) and Paper Hearts too. Darkness Falls, The Field Where I died, Firewalker, Triangle, Jose Chung’s from Outer Space, Humbug. Oh god, stop me.
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I don’t know about Krycek, but Roger Ailes would be that grey haired dude that frequently appears with CSM, cause you just know Fox News is run by The Syndicate.
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Oh Lord! Roger Ailes? That. Is. Too. Perfect. I think Conan should by Krycek. Just for funsies. Although I’m not a big fan of putting an Irishmen in the role of a villain;) He’s so much fun as a bad guy and it would go along perfectly with their feud.
I also vote Jimmy Fallon for Jeffery Spender.
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“I also vote Jimmy Fallon for Jeffery Spender.”
Bwahaha! Oh god yes. And Newt Gingrich as the Fluke Man. Have we got Hollywood on the phone yet?
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Maybe Jon Stewart can use some of his Super PAC funds to make an ad (using old footage, of course, can’t have any coordination now) featuring Stephen in a Mulderesq role. Fighting against the corrupt government bigwigs and seeking the truth.
Seriously Jon, you should make this happen. You know you’d love playing “Scully”.
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I’m also a big X-Files fan. I actually discovered the show on DVD, after the series had ended. I got the complete 9-season set. The first six seasons were amazing - such good writing and chemistry between the actors. Thinking about it, I’m not surprised so many Hubsters are also X-Files fans. Two intelligent shows that question authority.
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Don’t you think we could get David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson involved? Duchovny would be awesome. I’d actually love to see him as a guest on TCR.
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Ha ha, I just keep imagining Jon or Stephen checking to see what the blogosphere is saying about their ground breaking news and finding this incredibly long thread dedicated to how much they remind us of the leading characters of the nerdiest cult classic show of the 90s.
Why wouldn’t Duchovny and Anderson get on board? They haven’t been up to much else and they agreed to be in the movie a few years back.
I loved when they were on the Simpson’s and Mr. Burns was all: “I bring you peace” and “I bring you love.” Until he came down off of the drugs. Some alien encounter!
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Ladies please stay on topic. There are other, more appropriate venues to discuss “The X-Files” on. Thank you.
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Completely understood. It won’t happen again. Sorry for the geek fest Hubsters!
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Automatically reminded me of this quote:
Think for yourself
Question authority
Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening,
terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in
this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities, the political, the
religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by
giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their
view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and
learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness;
chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself.
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My favorite moment of last night’s show would have to be the wonderful “Super Pac/Hero” transference of power between Stephen and Jon. As someone who grew up watching the God-awful “Super Friends” cartoon, (Where they seemed to do something like this every show!) this just made me roar with laughter!
As Caroline said, I’m sure that the power players hate this. And I really hope Stephen and Jon go all the way and really rub it in their faces. I also wonder how long they have planned this? Was this as off the cuff as it seems? It would be interesting to know.
Also. Mike Allen: One of the biggest a$$holes in the world? Or THE biggest a$$hole in the world?! He’s just covered in beltway santorum! (Particular Dick Cheney’s.) Worthless little brown-noser! Trying to be funny (Utter failure) and then insulting the crowd, telling them they weren’t “real Americans.” Screw you! Even if the audience was full of Russians, they’d be more American then you, Mike!
Got to go. John Oliver wants to interview me about the lack of civility in today’s political discourse. Wonder what made him think of me? Oh well. It sounds like fun!
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I’d love to think this is off the cuff, Mr. Arkadin, inspired by the poll results. But it’s hard to know. Or maybe it’s midway: they were planning a transfer to illuminate the ridiculousness of the rules, but this provided the perfect setup.
Who knows? But whatever made it happen…it’s grand.
Wonder how much there IS in that SuperPac account anyway?
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Mr. Arkadin, have I gotta gif for you! I too loved that moment with Jon and Stephen. I’d have loved to see it without the special effects. Just them shaking and making faces, hilarious!
I have a feeling that both Jon and Stephen rarely do anything without planning it out in advance. With as quickly as things have moved in the last few days something tells me that as opposed to “off the cuff” they’ve had this trick up their sleeves. So to speak.
Stephen didn’t seem to take too kindly to Mr. Allen’s insinuation of the audience not being real American’s either. Did you notice how quickly he got up to leave as soon as the interview ended? I had to smirk a little.
Word to the wise, don’t let him get you alone in the elevator. You don’t want to know what happens in the elevator.
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*Correction* Upon re-reading my own blog (sigh) I realized that I misspoke in this comment.
Mr. Allen did not imply that the audience members, themselves, “weren’t real Americans”.
He stated: “…you do need to know what’s going on in the “real America” which contrasts what’s going on in this studio.”
Which is actually not terribly off base. Although it left him wide open for Stephen to use his lovingly called, “mindless mob” against him:)
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@Mr. Arkadin
“Beltway santorum”??! *giggle*
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Stephen certainly believes in “Yes, and…” doesn’t he? I’m glad we’re along for the ride! Also, I have to link to these gifs of the “Stephen Colbert 24/7 Low Profile Webcam” for all the fangirls.
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For Stephen to work for a year creating and building his Super PAC, just to hand it over to Jon is such an incredibly enormous show of strength of character… there are not words for it. At the end when he thanked Jon, and Jon looked at him like “Are you crazy? No, thank you”. It really was a moving moment between friends.
There could never be too much Stephen dancing.
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