January 5, 2012 — Steve Case
EPISODE NUMBER: 8003 (January 5, 2012)
GUEST: Steve Case
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012 - Fun Rick Santorum | The Word - Catch 2012 | God’s Message to Pat Robertson | Sign Off - Mayan Headwear & Sacrificial Chicken
SUIT REPORT: Charcoal Grey Suit | Eggshell White Shirt | Navy Tie with Cerulean Cross Hatch
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wow, what a great show tonight Hubsters! It is an honor and a privilege to have such a jewel to work with for my first episode guide. I hope I did it justice. Enjoy!
Indecision 2012 Fun Rick Santorum
Stephen starts the show in high spirits! No serious, straight face tonight during the opening cheers. Mr. Colbert soaks up the love of the Nation like a sponge.
The love fest continues during the first segment, which revolves around George Will’s article proclaiming that Rick Santorum is the “fun” GOP candidate. Of course, Stephen tries to celebrate Santorum’s good vibes but ends up crying in his drink instead. Don’t worry folks; too much of a good time always does that to me too.
Notable Quotables:
- Michele Bachmann: dropping out (of the Presidential race) to spend more time fiercely staring at her family.
- In just one day since the caucuses, Santorum raised a million dollars. Or as Rick Perry calls it: five Iowa votes.
I love it! I love it baby! I love it!
After all, a bow tie is just a neck tie that’s doing this.
You want fun? Santorum is the life of the party. Heck, he’s the pro-life of the party.
Okay, that’s enough fun for now. Movin’ on.
The Word: Catch 2012
Stephen calls out President Obama on his “diabolical plot to hold office”. He begins by discussing The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that Obama recently passed into law. Explaining how an amendment was added to the law that, “Nothing in this section shall be construed to affect existing law”.
This allowed it to pass despite major backlash. Due to wording of the law, it has the ability to take away Americans constitutional rights to both trial by jury and habeas corpus. Apparently, the “amendment” was all it took to “placate the habeas huggers”.
Colbert then points out how Obama used a similar tactic to get around the fact that he didn’t veto the act as promised by making yet another promise that his administration would not “authorize the indefinite military detention without trial of American citizens”. Stephen draws the conclusion being that Obama is holding Americans captive for the next election out of fear that another administration would use the law to eliminate our rights as citizens.
Notable Quotables:
- But folks by enshrining our liberties, that is no way to preserve them. Thankfully, this bill doesn’t.
- I say next, (Obama) should introduce, sign, then oppose a law granting the Commander in Chief Prima Nocta…
- …Or to make sure he never has to leave office, Obama could simply sign a law allowing Ex-Presidents to hunt Americans for sport. Up until now that was only legal for Vice Presidents.
- Whoever is the president is going to need every tool at his disposal to disrupt, defeat, and dismantle the terrorists who seek to… rupt, feat, and mantle us.
The NDAA strikes at the heart of the most notorious safe haven for terrorists...
…It strikes at the U.S. Constitution, in which, our founders naively guarantee the right to habeas corpus and trial by jury.
Oh, that is ridiculous! We will not lock up Americans indefinitely. Eventually, they will die.
Hey, you’re safe with me but I can’t promise the next guy isn’t going to disappear your son and hook his nipples up to a truck battery. Or as he used to say, “hope”.
So, if you’re upset because you voted for Barak Obama, thinking he’d be better than George Bush on indefinite detention, you’d better vote for him again. Not because he’s better but because he just reluctantly made it easier for the next president to be just as bad.
God’s Message to Pat Robertson
Apparently Pat Robertson has joined the ranks of prophets and saints, such as Joan of Arc and Moses, whom the Good Lord deemed worthy of having a personal conversation with. What, pray tell, did Pat speak with the Alpha and Omega about? Doom, of course! How can we prevent this doom, you may ask? Pray.
Keep it simple, stupid may not be scripture but it sure is gospel.
Fortunately, Stephen has taken it upon himself to put in a prayer for us and it’s a good thing too because I don’t own any speakers that go to eleven, do you?
Notable Quotables:
- I’m clearly not Pat’s only fan, so is Yahweh H. God.
- Som”prey”ro.
- Nos Id Faciamus (Let’s get it on!)
I watch every episode of the 700 Club over a big plate of Pat Robertson’s age-defying protein pancakes. And folks, they work. My pancakes have never looked younger.
It’s probably just as well he doesn’t tell us who the next President’s going to be. Clearly whoever God picked, it’s going to be ridiculous. I’m guessing the next President is either a Power Puff Girl Pez dispenser or Jon Huntsman.
Oh, oh, oh, ooh! It’s like twenty questions but-but with the ten plagues. All right, let’s play!
Pat Robertson: Is it a major power outage? God: No. Colbert: Okay, I won’t need this then... Go on.
Pat Robertson: Is Iranian or North of Korea a nuclear threat? God: No. Colbert: Great! Well, then uh- I can, I can sell this, sell this back to Glen Beck.
Pat Robertson: Is it the Mayan galaxy aligning? God: No. It’s not that. Colbert: It’s not! Oh, well… then. Then, thank Quetzalcoatl!
Most speakers go to ten, these go to El Heaven.
Dear Lord, we have heard you speak through your Pat puppet. And we- we mortals are heartily sorry we elected Barak Obama. Help us defeat him in 2012. Although Pat says you know what’s gonna happen so either this prayer has already worked or it hasn’t. Which means it’s either unnecessary or pointless. Oh, and one more thing Lord. Why’d you tell Pat Robertson? I’m not complaining but what about me? Is there some sort of next-President-phone-tree I could get on? You know? In case there’s a snow day. Anyway, if it’s something I’ve done other than, you know, that thing I keep trying to stop doing, I’m sorry. Amen. Jesus number one, woo!
Interview with Steven Case
Founder and former CEO of AOL and a leader in the so-called sharing economy. I assume he didn't mind sharing the green room snacks with the chicken.
SC: I don’t like the idea, if you don’t mind, of sharing. I’m one of eleven children. I had to share my entire life. I’m a big boy now, it’s mine. Isn’t that antithetical to American?
Steven Case: Not really. Actually the history of America, people used to share a hundred years ago and people grew up in villages and on farms and knew their neighbors
SC: We also died at 43 a hundred years ago. This is an ownership society, sir, not a sharership.
Steven Case: Most cars are only used 5 or 10 percent of the time. Most vacation homes are only used 5 or 10 percent of the time.
SC: Okay, but here’s my problem with the Zip car. It’s that, doesn’t that spread germs? Because it’s like, you get in there and the other guys butt germ is right there. It’s like using a public toilet. Which by the way, would be a great thing to use a Zip car for.
A WORD, a WORD, my kingdom for a WORD! That was absolutely stupendous, continuing a series of absolutely scathing, take-no-prisoners Words. I can’t wait till it’s up so I can share it with everyone.
And some TDS cheers to Jon and John for their American civics lesson.
Jon and Stephen are rendering the other late night hosts-even the good ones-more and more marginal each day.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+5
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:21 AM
The Word was absolutely fantastic last night. I hope you’ll enjoy the screen caps and quotes I pulled from it. I went from laughing at the absurdity of Obama’s “diabolical plot” to being disturbed at his rationalization for not vetoing the NDAA.
The world may never again see a pair of comedians quite like Jon and Stephen. What they do is truly a work of art.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+3
[Reply]
karenatasha Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 5:14 AM
I did, Kris, I did! Thanks much, and great job.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
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Kris Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:07 AM
Happy to be of service^_^
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
[Reply]
anais0509 Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 2:44 PM
“A WORD, a WORD, my kingdom for a WORD!”
WORD. (Sorry, couldn’t resist. *hits own head as “pun”-ishment*) And unusual coincidence, considering that Richard III is starting at BAM next week (with friend-of-the-show Kevin Spacey as the lead)!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+4
[Reply]
Gah! Got called away and only made it back for the interview and the oddest intriguingest sign-off with a Mayan (?) head-dress and a chicken??? Adorable! BUT. What what WHAT did I miss there? Can’t wait for the ep details! (Especially since colbertnation.com has gotten fussy about country of origin again and I can’t seem to get the videos to work in Safari or in Firefox…)
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
[Reply]
Katt Reply:
January 6th, 2012 at 11:35 PM
@Anna S
If you use ‘Modify Headers’ you actually have to hit ‘start’ and ‘stop’ when you want to use it, it isn’t automatic anymore.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:24 AM
Sorry to make you wait so long but after reading your post I worked even harder to make a thorough report so you could see what you missed. Thanks for hanging in there!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
[Reply]
Stephen in a Mayan headdress with a chicken. Or, as it’s known in TCR-land, Thursday.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+8
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:38 AM
I swear that bird was looking right AT me the whole time I worked on the guide (in the screen shot where the chickens beating him with it’s wings). It almost looks photo-shopped, with it’s wings all a blur but it’s face perfectly clear and looking right into the camera.
I wasn’t sure who to feel sorriest for, Colbert for taking the wings to the face, the bird for being freaked out, or myself for being creeped out by a picture of a chicken!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+3
[Reply]
CN Helper Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 9:00 AM
Wow, what a fantastic ep guide! Congrats on your first. The best kind too, as everyone said, a props extravaganza, an amazing Word. Sometimes the caps are so good they are mes-mer-izing!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 10:26 AM
I’m glad you enjoyed it and thank you! I really hit the jackpot with this episode. It was so fantastic and trying to do it justice was a challenge and a pleasure. The hardest part was cutting it down so it didn’t turn into a play by play because it was a top notch show from beginning to end.
Really glad the caps turned out well. It can be difficult to catch that perfect expression or moment and I know I lucked out a few times.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
[Reply]
I loved the WORD. Is was so good, so funny, and so dark. Most of my friends and family have no clue about what just happened with the NDAA. (It’s a big issue of our local Occupy movement, so I have been following the whole thing with dismay). Thanks to Stephen, more people will know about this now.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+3
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:40 AM
Have you heard about the plan to protest the NDAA outside of all of the courthouses across America right before the election this year?
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
[Reply]
Caroline Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 12:58 PM
Kris, no, I hadn’t, thanks. We have already had one protest in Albany, NY. I hope there will be more.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 6:52 AM
I would link you to the announcement for it but this is not the place for that. I’ve got a public email attached to my gravatar. If you shot a message my way, I’d respond.
TIP OF THE HAT!
0
[Reply]
Caroline Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 1:00 PM
Okay. Just sent you an email
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 1:31 PM
Your wish is my command;)
TIP OF THE HAT!
0
Well the prop department sure had their hands full last night. ‘We’re gonna need a sombrero, some foam hands, a mayan headdress and a live chicken. Oh and better make some pancakes while you’re at it.’ The bow tie bit was just all kinds of adorkable. I think he’s quite literally the only person in the world who could pull that joke off without receiving groans from the audience.
Great guide, Kris! And that chicken screencap is amazing.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+4
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 5:07 AM
I’d like to imagine that at some point that chicken got away from it’s handler and ran a muck around the studio. Having it’s fill of pancakes and Stephen’s Santorum rum before dressing up in Stephen’s prayer outfit and making a fool of itself.
My favorite prop: Gotta be the old fashioned mic made to look like a crucifix.
Glad you liked the guide!! That screencap is a freak of nature. I literally hit pause when the bird started flapping and got the shot on the first try.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
[Reply]
CHICKEN!!!!!!!
Sorry. Got a little excited. But yeah! This was a FANTASTIC episode. Any kind of jokes that rip Santorum to pieces is good with me. I felt very disturbed by the WORD, to be honest, but it was biting and straight-for-the-jugular as usual, as it should be. The God/overwhelming prayer bit was my favourite bit of the show, mostly because of the plethora of props and the cameo of the chicken(!!!). I hope Stephen didn’t get too hurt from the wing flapping, though he seemed to have it under control during the sign-off (by the way, I love the way he dramatically strokes the head of whatever animal he holds for a bit). Hmm…I just realized that exactly a year ago, he had tape on his head pulling his face back so to look younger (though for me he just looked creepy) while stroking Boris the lynx, and this time he’s wearing a Mayan headdress and stroking another animal. Coincidence? Anyways, he and Jon came out strong for their first (almost ) week back and I can’t wait for next week!!
Oh yeah, and GREAT job on your first episode guide, Kris! I especially enjoy the caps!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+5
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 6:48 AM
Never feel the need to apologize for your love of Stephen Colbert holding a chicken. You’re only human after all.
Maybe we should create an organization like PETA and call it PETS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Stephen). It seems like a lot of his guests, whether human or animal, enjoy abusing him.
Thanks!!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+2
[Reply]
Stephen in a Mayan headdress with a chicken. Or, as it’s known in TCR-land, Thursday.
That made me laugh so hard, CN Helper. You get a cookie.
Really great episode. I cheered the return of the lucky prayer hat, now superseded by the lucky som-”pray”-ro. And as always, chickens are awesome props.
I agree that The Word was excellent. There should be more of an outcry over the NDAA, and Obama’s signing statement does nothing to alleviate the genuine concerns.
Nice job on your first episode guide, Kris!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+3
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 9:16 AM
I read your post, read it again, scratched my head, and then scrolled up to find (to my horror) that I’d misspelled sompreyro. Oops! Strange things happen at 4 am. I hope you won’t take offence if I steal your hyphenated spelling when I’m able to correct it, as it is far more readable.
The NDAA bill continues the stripping away of rights that began in the Patriot Act. If it was a hundred years ago there would be an angry mob with pitchforks and rifles. The government is lucky that now there’s just an angry mob.
Thanks for reading!
TIP OF THE HAT!
+1
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All I can say is, did the prop dept. complain recently about not having enough work? If so, I see they got their wish. This episode was prop-a-licious.
I will pounce on anything Pat Robertson related because he is the biggest phony baloney out there and I love to see him get ragged on. I love whichever writer on the staff that wrote that we don’t really need to pray because God already knows the outcome.
TIP OF THE HAT!
+3
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“Prop-a-licious” = a cookie for you.
You may enjoy Stephen handing his Pat @ss here, here, here and on The Daily Show here.
TIP OF THE HAT!
0
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 2:25 PM
The last link broke. The Daily Show clip is here.
TIP OF THE HAT!
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Kris Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:02 AM
Oops, that was handing Pat his… you know what. Gotta stop staying up into the wee hours!
TIP OF THE HAT!
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