Colbert News Hub

EPISODE NUMBER: 7157 (December 13, 2011)
GUESTS: Mark Whitaker
SEGMENTS: Donald Trump Cancels and Stephen Re-announces | The Word - Let Them Buy Cake | Anderson Cooper’s Phallus Party Accusation
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | Light blue shirt, returning champion from Mon.| Purple tie with coordinate-y light blue, navy horizontal stripes
VIDEOS: Tuesday, December 13, 2011

“With enough corporate cash, protesters could afford to protest this new pay-for-protesting policy, which I would recommend, because this law proves that people may have the right to free speech, but only money talks,” is the cinching line to this evening’s Word. With the extensive oppression of protesters we’ve seen at U.C. Berkeley, city of Portland, etc., Gov. Walker’s proposal of charging for dissent just seems ever the more preposterous. And unconstitutional. Dissent is so essential to our country’s vitality, tonight’s Word demonstrated that the concept of attempting to fund it (or undermine it) is more ridiculous than a BoA sponsored tent at a BoA protest.

Speaking of ridiculous, Anderson Cooper had best learn not to incite the Stephen, as he can out-phallicize the best of them. Stephen is getting pretty handy with that touch screen, perhaps not an impresario like John King, but pretty darned good. And for those of you keeping score at home, he did not draw a Snoopy this time.

As I close my last episode guide for 2011, I just want to say thanks to all of you Hubsters for your support of CNH this year. What did you think of the episode? Be sure to let us know in the comments.

Quotables

From the Intro

I’ll ask [Mark Whitaker] if there any plans to release Wolf Blitzer back into the wild.

When I hear you people chanting my name, you make me feel like a princess.

From Donald Trump Cancels - Stephen Re-announces

I have got huge, breaking news. You are going to want to sit down to hear this. If you are already sitting down, you need to stand up and sit down again. Are you reseated? Good.

I got 4 people in my ear, 2 people in my lungs, and 1 guy crawling up my ass to tell me the same thing.

This would be a huge embarrassment for Trump, if that were an emotion he was capable of feeling.

At first I thought the date conflicts with Trump’s annual full body gold leafing, but it turns out, there’s another reason.

I say [Donald Trump] should run in the Republican party, but it might make more sense if he ran as a Whig.

He is my no.1 greatest friend of all time, we race yachts, trade mistresses, I call him “Trump Card,” he calls me “Cold Beer,” that said, the guy’s a boob, he looks like tangelo had sex with an old dishrag.

We have set the date late January to mid February, set your calendar huge, massive, pendulous interest….

I am delighted about Newt, I am less delighted about Santorum, but still, solid delight across the board.

..now I am getting some hot heat from National Geographic, Natty G, their natives have the finest, most natural sun-scorched racks, the premo, no. 1 classiest t*ties in all of anthropology.
We are going to hold the debate at the zoo, in the polar bear enclosure, we’ll let the polar pick the winner, all the candidates get pre-rubbed with salmon, nova lox from Zabars or equivalent, Zabars, lower your prices.

Candidates, call me, write me, send me and Edible Arrangement saying ‘I’m in.’ Note: no cantaloupe, honey dew only, melon of kings.

From the Word – Let Them Buy Cake

It’s almost the 3 month anniversary of the OWS movement, I’d buy these guys a cake, but they’d probably just complain about the icing inequality of the top and bottom layer.

Why are you against Law & Order? That show is clearly is part of the 99% of TNT’s programming.

These nation-wide protests are expensive. Just look at the generous portion of pepper spray, and the Billie Club they are handing out, it’s an All You Can Beat buffet.

Wisconsin governor and TCBY employee of the month, Scott Walker….

Hey, [Walker’s administration] just rounded to the nearest 7.5 million. [Shouldn’t have fired the math teachers.]

$50? For a cop? I say that’s a bargain. [More if you want them to strip.]

[Hark! The Herald Angels need a permit to sing.]

We all know freedom isn’t free, so it’s logical that freedom of speech costs money. [Why it’s called “Bill” of Rights.

And let’s face it, corporations can afford a ton of speech. [The sound of one brand clapping.]

From Ridculist

I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. It’s never happened before, but that’s the theory.

….presented by CNN anchor and Caspar-American, Anderson Cooper….

Guilty as charged. And it was foolish of me to think that even on my best day, I could beat Anderson Cooper to a Phallus party.

So folks I am nailed, that is journalistic ethics 101. Once a journalist covers a story, it is off limits to every other organization. That’s why after Woodward and Bernstein broker the Watergate story, for the next 6 months the New York Times simply ran the headline “See Washington Post!”

(Colbert apologizes to Cooper.) From now on I will cover stories that you do not. Starting with the shocking story Anderson Cooper doesn’t want you to know about, the phallic imagery on AC 360.

So Anderson Cooper I await your response, when I see you at the Phallus party. Do not be tardy, also, what do I wear?

Interview Quotables

Why does Anderson Cooper have so many phalluses on his show?

Mark Whitaker: Well, you know his ratings are up.

But do they last four hours?

Knowledge is power, why give our news to people in other countries? Why not keep that precious resource for America so we stay a super power?

MW: We also think it’s important for Americans to know what’s going on around the rest of the world.

Defend that statement.

MW: (enumerates international events of 2011) I think we are connected with the rest of the world.

For some of my younger viewers, what was a magazine? Like a printed iPad.

MW: And I saved copies so my grandchildren will actually believe it.

MW: I consider the book to be a tribute to my parents….my mother was a source for the book, and when I sent her the third draft, she said, “this isn’t badly written.”

Being the son of a biracial couple, did you feel the need to be representative of something?

MW: I felt, and my younger brother felt like aliens. We didn’t know anybody else who was mixed-race. It’s interesting, you see the story of the family unfold, and also the story of America unfold, where these 2 people meet and marry at a time when biracial marriage is illegal in most states……to the end of the book, when a mixed-race man is elected to office. It’s a family story, but also the story of the country.

Well thank you for sharing it with us.