EPISODE NUMBER: 8006 (October 18, 2011)
GUESTS: Steven Pinker
SEGMENTS: Talking iPhone 4S | Indecision 2012: Herman Cain’s Electrified Fence | Thought for Food: School Potato Ban & Fast Food Stamps | Sign Off: Sixth Anniversary Portrait
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White striped shirt | Blue patterned tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What a fantastic episode! For a show that was improvised, that is.

Unlike most Report fans, I sort of dread when election time gets into high gear, because then Stephen will be forced to talk about it every night. However, I like this phase of the election cycle, because it is a weeding out process, and just lighthearted jabs against a slew of candidates, not the acrimony that tends to settle in toward the end of the race. Herman Cain ought to have regretted not appearing on TCR; he is becoming quite the source of comedic material.

We also had an epic tribute to tater tots in the always funny Thought for Food segment. I have two children who are school age, so now I am worried about them going off to lunch, the horror, no taters! I love when Stephen shows off his dramatic abilities, and The Tater Tot Diatribe (as it shall be known for posterity) was a great example.

Steven Pinker was a fetching guest, as per usual. It seems counter-intuitive that violence is in decline. If you watch “World Dumbest Criminals” for a few minutes on Tru TV, one would think otherwise. But he is a “Harvard Elite,” and we’ll have to trust the stats. I guess modern living isn’t as bad as those sentimental for yesteryear may say: less violence, less deaths from Bubonic plague.

Finally, we had the unveiling of The Colbert Report’s 7th year portrait. I think honing in on the Super pac is a good way of marking the past year in terms of achievement, and a truly remarkable achievement at that.

As far as the sign off goes, we will take Stephen’s “thank you” and throw it right back. Thanks for everything.

What did you think about the episode? Don’t be afraid to let your fanboy/girl flag fly!

Quotables & Notable Moments

What kind of place are you looking for, camera stores, or churches? F*** you.

Let’s just free ball it, Jimmy, let’s just whip some graphics, as I talk, and I’ll come up with something.

Nation, thanks to the lockout, there might not be a basketball season this year. But if you want to watch millionaires throwing elbows, there’s still the Republican race.

Then John Huntsman, also existed.

So many characters, so many twists, it’s like a Mexican novella that want’s to deport itself.

And just like any telenovella, watch out for Dios Padre Del Pizza.

That’s right, Herman Cain is 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head.

Folks, all Cain is saying that Hitler had some good ideas.

Yeah, what do you mean insensitive? Fine, if it makes you feel any better, we will generate the lethal voltage with wind power. That sensitive enough?

Electrified fence, classic joke. It’s like “Who’s on first?” What’s on fire?” “I don’t know how many people it’s killed.”

You see, he’s joking, unless you’re into the idea, in which case he means it.

It’s like when you say to your girlfriend, your old college friend Donna is crazy, and so much fun. We should have a 3 way. What! I was joking! Why would we do that, stop crying! Hey, I know what would cheer you up, how about we do some coke like we used to do in the day. It’s a joke. I don’t wanna do cocaine, unless Donna has some.

Tonight, the Colbert Superpac officially endorses Herman Cain for President, unless, you’re not into him, in that case, I am just joking.

From the Thought for Food segment:

I’m a member of the clean plate club, and I’m proud to announce we are now letting in Jews.

Now they are coming for our tots, both human, and tater.

No potatoes? Why, because they are Irish? What’s next, limiting the availability of Shamrock shakes to just St. Patrick’s day. You racists!

Childhood obesity will take care of itself, when it becomes adult obesity.

If you don’t let our children snack on that delicious golden brown starch bomb, you are taking away the small shred of happiness from the otherwise non-stop hell parade that is being a middle school boy, a boy going through an awkward stage where his nose and teeth grew full speed, while the rest of his head still belongs to a 9 year old. And every day, Jeffrey Ozer pours toilet water into his backpack, and spends the rest of his day calling him “toilet boy.” And it’s so catchy, that even sweet, beautiful Colleen Allen can’t help joining in, because this boy knows in his heart that they are meant to be together, and all that pain goes away in that spud induced torpor that is a stomach full of fried potato. It is more than food! It is kid Xanax. A hug he gets from the inside, a grease-soaked cargo-hammer he uses to pound his emotions down, down, down, until they are buried even deeper than the potato that soothed him, where those feelings lay dormant until tenth grade when Jeffrey Ozer flicks one too many rubber bands at his ear, but this time the boy is fully grown and he slams Jeffrey’s head into a locker over and over , until he has to be dragged away by the girl’s swim coach, coz who’s the toilet boy now, Jeffrey? Who’s the toilet boy, now?

Where are [food stamp recipients] supposed to go? The grocery store? That’s unsanitary. A lot of that food was already on the ground.

So congratulations, poor people: you’re on the Yum! foods gravy train. Warning: gravy train may not contain any actual gravy.

…the Nutri-nazis at the Gastrostopppo…

But Taco Bell is a sponsor, and damn it, and if they say it’s food I will take them at their word. I don’t care if that gets me hate mail. I don’t care if that costs me another Emmy. You can cite your scientific studies, you can quote your religious leaders, I don’t care what the FDA says, Taco Bell is food. I have been to the mountaintop, and there was a Taco Bell there, and I ate some, because it is possible to do so.

Hmm! Food. It had better be, because it is in my mouth.

Interview Quotables

Welcome back, this is your third trip to the Rodeo. But just because I have invited you back twice doesn’t mean I am impressed with your CV. You are a Harvard elite, are you not?

There’s violence everyday, turn on Real Housewives.

Steven Pinker: We may be living in the most peaceful era of our species existence.

SC: We should paint that on some of our bombs.

Steven Pinker: Homicides have decreased by a factor of 35 since the Middle Ages. You were 35 times more likely to be murdered than you are today.

SC: They don’t tell you that when you go to Medieval Times.

SP: We do have inner demons, we have a lot of motives that can erupt at any time in violence.

SC: I’m fighting the urge to punch you right now.

SP: But the frontal lobes of your brain are exercising self control, which is why you are not doing it.

SC: I’ve also had a lot of tater tots, so I am feeling kind of logey right now.

SP: A century lasts for one hundred years.
SC: Don’t patronize me.
SP: And the last 55 years of the twentieth century had unusually low rates of death and warfare.

SC: [We have made progress] Because human life has suffered from inflation.

From the Sign Off:

Now don’t worry, all the nudes are tasteful. Once again, my apologies to Doris Kearns Goodwin.

www.donorschoose.org/colbertphotos

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, aren’t I beautiful? This year I am portrayed holding the F.E.C. ruling that allowed me to form Colbert Superpac, and become a Washington power player. How big a player? Let’s just say I am not legally required to disclose that information. All thanks to the Supreme Court ruling that money = free speech. And as you can see, you have given me so much freedom, it is spilling out of my sleeve.