EPISODE NUMBER: 8005 (October 17, 2011)
GUESTS: Harry Belafonte
EXCLUSIVES: Extended Interview
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin
SEGMENTS: Occupy Wall Street Spreads | The Word: Look Out for the Little Guy | Sport Report: NBA Lockout & Colbert SuperPAC’s ad
SUIT REPORT: Black pinstripe suit | Pale blue shirt | Mustard / navy / light blue stripped tie
VIDEOS: Monday, October 17, 2011

The Report starts off the week strong with The Word, some appallingly hilarious discussion of dwarf tossing, NBA lockout intrigue, and a lengthy, sentimental interview with legendary crooner Harry Belafonte.

Again, I find myself cringing at the handiwork of our fine Congress (and/or State Legislature, h/t to Mr. Arkadin for straightening me out! ) Repeal the ban on dwarf tossing? Of all the pertinent issues facing our society, one would waste one’s precious time doing the state’s legislative work espousing the virtues of throwing people around for sport? Please let me know when the debate on cock fighting begins. Who’s Uncle Sam to tell me what to do on the weekends?

Also, the NBA lockout intrigue is fascinating. Do you think Stephen would put the kibosh on his own Superpac’s ad, because of a donor relationship with Mark Cuban?

Finally, what a funny interview with Harry Belafonte. It’s rather amusing (and awesome) that a man who sang songs about bananas managed to hang around with so many ’60s luminaries, and even played a role in getting President Obama’s father here….and in so doing, giving rise to our current President.

What did y’all think of the episode? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Quotables

Folks, I gotta say, you do that so well, I could listen to it for six years. I also want to inform any professors who might be watching, tonight counts as one biochem credit.

I hope you all had a great Columbus Day weekend, it seems like I am the only one who still takes the traditional 9 days. We’ve had glorious autumn weather here in New York, mild temperatures, not a cloud in the sky, a dog urine index below 4.

So Saturday I took the whole family Times Sqaure to see my favorite musical comedy, Phantom. He’s deformed. But, I did not need to, because we got to see some free spectacular street theater, that seemed to be a combination of Rent, Les Mis, Hair, and Stomp.

Of course, in Italy, the “1 %” refers to the portion of the country that Silvio Berlusconi has not had sex with yet.

But, most troubling of all, is that the occupation has spread to my studio. Look at this mob of young, unwashed, hopeless ne’er do wells. Nothing to do with their lives, willing to stand for hours on end, endure harsh treatment and overcrowding, all for the chance to yell at some poor guy in a suit.

I say bring it on. But fair warning, don’t try and rush the desk: I am armed with pepper spray.

America is stuck in a jobs crisis. It’s gotten so bad this weekend I picked up a carpenter, a landscaper, and a gastroenterologist. Best $10 colonoscopy I ever had. Gracias.

From the Word segment:

Of course, billions and billions of jobs is ridiculous. So let’s just say one billion. With 300 million Americans, that 3 1/3 for everyone. [Still Can't Afford Health Insurance.]

And regulation has never created a single job. But lack of regulation creates plenty. [Like "Toxic Avenger!"]

Ritch Workman, obviously the man to create jobs, it’s right there in his name.
Workman, not to mention Ritch.

I apologize if anyone’s offended, I am sure there is a more PC term. [Shorty shot-put.]

Dwarf tossing the sport of kings, where a little person puts on a helmut, and is hurled by a frat guy hammered on Jaeger shots onto a soiled mattress. You know, full employment. [Beats an internship.]

And Hollywood has been lobbying against it for years. (Clip from LOtR: “Nobody tosses a dwarf!”)

Exactly, Workman thinks it’s offensive and ridiculous, but it’s not the government’s place to regulate it. When jobs are at stake, that decision should be made by a more trusted group- bar owners who need a theme night to replace “Wings and Boobs Wednesday.” [Wings and Boobs Thursdays?]

I am sure the only reason Peter Dinklage is on Game of Thrones is because he couldn’t get a good job being chucked at a wall. [Game of Thrown.]

I say, if someone is willing to do a job, no matter how dangerous, pointless, or dehumanizing it is, the government has no business stopping them. [Unless they're Mexican.]

With unemployment at 9.4%, should we really ban baby-juggling, or Albino paintball hunting, or eating sushi off the comatose? [Miso sad.]

The point is, the economy today is bad. And if you’re not willing to toss tax dollars at the problem, the only thing left to toss is human dignity. [Look out for the little guy.]

From the Sport Report segment:

What. Basketball on Christmas is a tradition dating back to the birth of Christ, when the wise man found the babe in swaddling clothes, and shot him out a T-shirt canon.

I do not see eye to eye with the players, in fact, I barely see eye to groin.

You just witnessed history, folks: the first time Mark Cuban kept a thought to himself.

Powerful stuff. A powerful ad, sure to bring this crisis to an end. Except for one minor thing: WFAA did not run our ad. (Responds to audience groans) I could not have moaned that better.

Because this right here is an elaborate, nefarious conspiracy by WFAA-unless! This is really an elaborate, nefarious conspiracy by…me! Think about it, Mark Cuban comes on my show the same night my Superpac gets an anonymous donor, then suddenly my Pac makes a TV ad about the NBA lockout, that, if Cuban were paying for the ad would violate [Stern's] gag order. And remember, that’s a basketball gag.

The question is what did I know and when did I know it…well folks there is only one group that get to the bottom of it, the crack news team at WFAA.

Interview Quotables

Harry Belafonte: At last, to be on Stephen Colbert. I can’t believe it.
SC: Would you like a moment to drink me in.

SC: Who is your lighting guy, I want him to follow me wherever I go, that is a fantastic look.

SC: How did you have your fingers in all these pies? Where’s the connection?
HB: I just had a lust for life, lust for what was going on in America, and just very much wanted to be involved in what was going on.

SC: You were a musician though, why should a musician be involved in so much activism? Shouldn’t you just be singing the “Banana Boat Song”? Which is, by the way, one of the finest banana counting songs, ever.

Harry Belafonte: I must tell you that that song has an awful lot to do with the events of the day. If you stop and really listen to the lyrics, it’s a work song, it’s a song about people doing grueling work on a plantation.

HB: [At a Yankee's game] the whole stadium goes into a “Day-O” shout.
SC: Do you get a piece of that?
HB: No.
SC: That’s the real injustice, my friend.
HB: Now you know why I am here.

SC: You helped organize the March on Washington…. I was at that in my mother’s womb.
HB: You haven’t changed a bit.
SC: Back then, I had your hair.

SC: Why use fame for social change? Why not just be rich and lusted after? That’s what I would do.

Harry Belafonte: Well I had that option, and when I looked at it, and tried to be reasonable about what to do, with so much power, so much adulation, so much profile, I thought the community from which I came would be better served, if I focused the light on people who were not as fortunate as we are, and I have a responsibility to reach into that misfortune, and try to make a difference.