Colbert News Hub

EPISODE NUMBER: 7106 (August 15, 2011)
GUESTS: Ambassador Susan Rice
SEGMENTS: Colbert Super PAC – Stephen Apologizes to WOI in Des Moines | Colbert Super PAC – Iowa Straw Poll Results | An Extra Hearty Helping of Ambassador Susan Rice (a Bad but Irresistible Pun, Sorry)
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | Beautiful light blue and white striped shirt | Black cufflinks | Yellow and Gray spotted tie (I think?- I need to get a degree in tie textilery or something)
VIDEOS:Monday, August 15, 2011

Poor Ray Cole. Gosh, what are the odds of that happening? I could just imagine Stephen’s chagrin to discover that he would have to retract his videotaped and permanently registered disdain of Mr. Cole’s WOI-ABC 5, Des Moines’ news leader. I did mention on my Thursday’s episode guide that I felt Stephen was a little harsh on the folks at WOI, so it was nice to see him walk that criticism back, and offer a conciliatory cross-broadcast off on the real straw poll write-in results.

What did you think of Ambassador Rice? I like her style: she is confident, and tough, and does a great job, as Stephen might say, “legitimizing” the U.N. It’s always a win for the Report when Obama Admin officials stop by, and in this case, she did a good job of answering Stephen’s questions. Stephen also managed to cover a wide variety of subjects with her in the brevity of time allowed-but-there’s a remedy for that? Extended interviews are now making their debut online with Amb. Rice! It seems that Jon has influenced Stephen with the use of the Extended Interview, and Stephen taught Jon Stewart about the Twitter (no Jon, that’s not how you ebay.)

Well, what did you think about the show? Do share in your comments!

Quotables

-Now that was a low blow, almost as low as the number of Emmys they have.
-I said I’d rather you hold my Emmy.
- [My Emmys] are like my children, in that I legally adopt all of them.
- Everyone was there, except the ones who weren’t.
-Of course, at a Bachmann petting zoo, you are only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Another factor might have been that Bachmann helped her supporters pay for the $30.00 voting fee by paying for them.
-Bachmann got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. Pretty impressive.
-I say, this proves that she could win the general election, assuming she can get 50 million voters into a field, pack them with barbecue, and let their children pet Randy Travis.
-Yes, ‘XXX’ finished out very strong, with a ‘certain level of support.’ Now the AP is a top-notch news organization that would never pinch out an article before the results were in, knowing they could slap in any name later, and then forget to do it.
Maybe they were referring to Ped Xing?
-When the AP says that ‘XXX’ has the scientifically quantifiable ‘certain level of support’, you can take that to ‘certain banks.’
-Unfortunately, [XXX] he has a pretty big sex scandal waiting to explode, because I googled his name with the phrase ‘waiting to explode,’ and the results were shocking. Pretty sick stuff.
-Rationality is the third rail of American politics. For the love of God, we eat fried butter on a stick (Editor’s note: And God help us!) Does that sound like the act of a rational person?
-So much grandeur. So much stock footage.
-Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or P(a)rry will get his supporter.
-And do you know who I think could really get to the bottom of this? Intrepid cub reporter Katie Eastman. She has proven that she is a journalistic bloodhound. (CN’s 2 cents: poor Katie Eastman! She is probably wishing she could hid behind a rock for a while somewhere in Des Moines.)
-With that kind of scoop, I smell a doggie Poo-litzer.

Interview Quotables

-Unfortunately, I don’t speak UN-ese.
-‘I don’t want to hear the speech, just pump in some Cantina.’
-Your predecessor was John Bolton, he of the walrusy-mustache. What is it like to follow John Bolton? Do you still find whiskers in the microphone?
-Amb. Rice: The U.N. is the one place on the planet, despite its many flaws, where we can martial the support, and share the costs of doing what’s necessary to protect the United States. SC: It is far from perfect. (To audience) Don’t worry, I am going to nail her.
-At what price? Why are you willing to surrender the sovereignty of the United States to these foreign governments to come in to say what we can and cannot do? Because there are well-known plans to drop blue-helmeted paratroopers into the United States to establish a government within the government and take away our guns.
-Excuse me for interrupting you, but I enjoy it.
-Susan Rice: It was with China and Russia that we were able to impose tough sanctions on Iran, a major trading partner. SC: Even a broken clock has ethics twice a day.
-I know that sternly worded letters are the bread and butter of the U.N., but maybe we should start typing them in all caps. Amb. Rice: With exclamation points.
-Can the U.N. do anything to make Ahmadinejad wear a tie?
(I wish they would!!)
-What is the difference between Libya and Syria? And I mean that literally.
-The government is killing its people in Syria. Why aren’t we sending our brave drones there?
-Rice: We have been very clear that Assad has been very absolutely immoral and reprehensible in his actions.
-Let’s talk about what’s happening in Somalia. It’s a humanitarian tragedy, but, you know, keep it light. Amb. Rice: Stephen, there’s no keeping this one ‘light.’ There are over 12 million people at risk of starvation in Somalia and the broader horn of Africa, many of them children. This is the combination of the result of oppressive drought, and the horrific actions of the terrorist organization Al-Shabob, which has prevented assistance from being available to its people over the course of several years.
-With your diplomatic plates, where’s the craziest place you’ve ever parked?
-People tell me I’m white, and I believe them, because I endorsed Rick P(a)rry.