September 4, 2014 – Doris Kearns Goodwin

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 10148 (September 4, 2014)
GUESTS: Doris Kearns Goodwin
SEGMENTS: Intro – 9/4/14 | Gays in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade | The Midterm Round Up | Al Qaeda’s Indian Franchise | Doris Kearns Goodwin | Sign Off – Ship Christening
SUIT REPORT: Dark Pin Stripped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Blue/Silver Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, September 4, 2014

It was kind of sad to see Uber-Friend of the Show Doris Kearns Goodwin say goodbye to The Colbert Report, as this will likely her last appearance. It was funny to see her address his many instances of “apologizing” to her with references chock full of sexual innuendo, but luckily she has been a good sport about it.

Also liked seeing the Steve Carell shout out – got to give Steve some love sometimes!

Overall, a nice, classic non-fluffy show, complete with a religious-y topic, coverage of the upcoming US midterm elections, and Al Quaeda addressed. Looking at ISIS now, it’s almost quaint that Al Quaeda’s grainy VHS tapes inspired fear amounting in trillions of dollars for the so-called “War on Terror.” No wonder Doris refused to name George W. Bush neither the “great” nor “greatest” president.

What did you Hubsters think of the ep? Share your perspective in the comments.

Intro – 9/4/14

Tonight, I take a look at the mid term elections. Little known fact — they’re happening this year. Then a new threat in the War on Terror. But I haven’t finished cleaning my pants from the last threat! And my guest Doris Kearns Goodwin has written a book about the relationship between Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft. Soon to be a film starring James Franco and Seth Howard Rogen. Authorities in California are searching for a dangerous escaped Albino Cobra. Though, to be safe, police have arrested seven “black” cobras.

  • Welcome to the Report! Thank you for joining us, folks! I hope everyone at home can hear the precision of that chanting. That is what we call in the pundit business the Metronome of love.

Gays in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Organizers of the annual St. Patrick’s day parade here in New york, the largest in the world, say they will now allow gays to march next year under their own banner for the first time.

  • We Irish should have seen this coming. First they stole our rainbows (shows leprachaun). Next they’ll be coming after melucky charms!
  • And, at first, I liked the idea of making gays march with a banner identifying themselves. But luckily, before I became too okay with the idea, Fox News reminded me I was outraged.
  • See? Steve Doocy’s so mad, he can’t even say a coherent sentence on camera.
  • You know, Cardinal Timothy Dolan has probably got his chausable in a bunch.

Cardinal Dolan: I think the decision they’ve made is a wise one. I have no trouble with the decision at all.

  • I guess he’s so angry he forgot to be mad.
  • You listening, gays? This isn’t one of your degenerate pride parades. Keep it dignified. You know, like this!(shows drunk guy doing God knows what with an inflatable leprachaun.)

The Midterm Round Up

  • Folks, it’s officially fall, which means we are in the home stretch to the 2014 mid-term elections, and I am bursting with mid-thusiasm. In just 62 days, Americans nationwide will wake up and say, “dammit, I forgot to vote yesterday.”
  • So tonight, we celebrate the “launch” of our midterm coverage by bringing out the U.S.S. Democracy 2014 and christening her with a bottle of champagne. Though America be rocked by troubled waters, she is yet sturdy and proud. Long may she sail!

Stephen Ready to Strike Boat with Bottle of Champagne

(Note: the boat used above is a replica of the United States Coast Guard’s CGC Eagle, which frequents Stephen’s hometown of Charleston, SC.)

"Hearty thanks to my good friend Steve Carell for letting us reuse that footage without his knowledge or consent."

“Hearty thanks to my good friend Steve Carell for letting us reuse that footage without his knowledge or consent.”

  • This is the most important mid-term in mid-memory, and not just because I can’t remember the last one. And you can tell the Democrats are running scared, because they’ve begun activating their base: the lady voters.
"I know you are being encouraged to become politically engaged, but let me tell you, girlfriend, those curtains don't look good on anyone. It's basically like wearing a booth muumuu. Plus, all anyone's gonna be doing is looking at your calves. What if you have cankles? And if you don't know whether you have cankles, you have cankles."

“I know you are being encouraged to become politically engaged, but let me tell you, girlfriend, those curtains don’t look good on anyone. It’s basically like wearing a booth muumuu. Plus, all anyone’s gonna be doing is looking at your calves. What if you have cankles? And if you don’t know whether you have cankles, you have cankles.”

  • Which brings me to the first race you should not vote in — the house race in Georgia’s tenth district, where right-wing pastor and radio host Jody Hice has all but guaranteed a win by building a diverse coalition of people he doesn’t want in his coalition.
  • [According to Hice] Muslims do not deserve freedom of speech. They would just use it to offend women and gay people, and Hice already has that covered.
  • For example, Hice’s page says Jefferson wrote, “that government is best which governs the least because its people discipline themselves,” even though it was actually Henry David Thoreau, who lived alone at Walden Pond, so I’m sure he engaged in furious “self-discipline.”
  • Hice has used so many misattributions that Buzzfeed found eight examples of the fraudulent quotes before they “stopped looking.” […] nation, I “like” what Hice is doing on facebook, and not just because “liking” is the only option on facebook.
"And [Congressman] Hice also attributed the inspirational quote 'If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader' to John Quincy Adams, although it's actually from Dolly Parton. It's easy to mistake those two, especially after Adams got those implants."

“And [Congressman] Hice also attributed the inspirational quote ‘If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader’ to John Quincy Adams, although it’s actually from Dolly Parton. It’s easy to mistake those two, especially after Adams got those implants.”

Al Qaeda’s Indian Franchise

  • Yes, Al Quaeda’s opening a franchise in India. They’re like Starbucks, only with less ambitious plans for global domination.
  • The announcement came from longtime leader and Jihadi smurf Ayman Al-Zawahiri, who released a video calling on muslims across the Indian subcontinent to join the “caravan of jihad.” That caravan is easy to spot –just look for the trucks with 72 virgins on the mudflaps.
  • Look, I get why Al Quaeda is outsourcing to India — they’rea global terror organization. They have their one true prophet margins to think about, and they have been running on a shoestring budget for so long, they’ve never even had a Christmas party.
  • ISIS was kicked out of Al Quaeda for being too brutal, and they’ve sort of taken the world stage, and everyone’s talking about them and no one’s talking about Al Quaeda, so this is probably at an attempt to regain some notoriety. Ooh, ooh someone’s jeal-ous of ISIS!
  • ISIS is the “it” jihadi group right now. They’ve got an entire caliphate, while all of Ayman’s guys are still doing monkey bars in the desert.That’s not a long-term plan! What if you take over a city without a jungle gym? How will you get around?

We all remember those grainy, amateurish videos that Bin Laden made that looked like it was setup by somebody who didn’t know what they were doing, in long-winded arabic that nobody in the west could understand. Now we have ISIS on twitter, on instagram, on what’s app, they produce slick videos. They’re highly produced, they’ve got music, graphics, all sorts of things put into thescreen that are sophisticated and technical. They’ve got young tech-savvy guys doing it.

"Meanwhile, Al Quaeda's still mailing out VHS tapes of Grandpa Kill 'Em All droning on about a fatwa on pudding skin! And death to whoever canceled Matlock!"

“Meanwhile, Al Quaeda’s still mailing out VHS tapes of Grandpa Kill ‘Em All droning on about a fatwa on pudding skin! And death to whoever canceled Matlock!”

Interview — Doris Kearns Goodwin

Doris Kearns Goodwin on The Colbert Report

Stephen: Why, today, should we care about Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft? What does their story have to do with us today?
Doris: They’re coming from a time where there were very, very rich people who controlled politics,and lots of people who didn’t have a lot of power and whose worker’s rights were being taken away.
Stephen: What does that say to us?
Doris: (ironically) Nothing! No, think about it. There’s a gap between the rich and poor, people working 12 hours a day, unsanitary meat-packing plants, and my guy Teddy takes it on. He realizes the rich won’t stay rich. There will be socialists and anarchists.
Stephen: But he was a rich guy. Why would he turn on his own class like that?
Doris: Because he understood if he didn’t do something to soften the impact of the industrial order, the whole thing would Fall apart.
Stephen: He was frightened of the poor people with pitch forks.
Doris: He was frightened of the rich people, that they would be so bloated that monopolies were going to swallow everything and there would be no small businesses, people are in slums. He knew for the sake of the country, the rock of class hatred would be the worst thing that could happen to the country. So he wanted a square deal, not a round table, a square deal, and it was great.

Stephen: And I realize this is probably the last time you’re on the show and I’ve apologized to you before.
Doris: I know. My picture is up there and you say something sexual —
Stephen: I don’t remember that!
Doris: You do say, “my apologies to Doris Kearns Goodwin.”
Stephen: Apology accepted?
Doris: Absolutely, i’ll miss it if you don’t keep doing it.

No Apologies: "I don't remember [saying] that!"

No Apologies: “I don’t remember [saying] that!”

Stephen: George W. Bush, great president…or the greatest president?
Doris: (after telling a lengthy Stephen Colbert anecdote) I take the fifth amendment.
Stephen: All right.

Sign Off – Ship Christening

Stephen standing next to Ship Prop

Stephen seemed determined on destroying that poor ship prop by show's end. Mission accomplished.

Stephen seemed determined on destroying that poor ship prop by show’s end. Mission accomplished.