March 11, 2014 – Ronan Farrow

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 10076 (March 11, 2014)
GUESTS: Ronan Farrow
STAFF CAMEO: Michael Brumm (as Randy Ferrar)
SEGMENTS: Intro – 3/11/14 | Fan Magazine for Pope Francis | The Huffington Post’s Anal Sex Bombshell | The Huffington Post’s Anal Sex Bombshell – Randy Ferrar | Tip/Wag – U.S. Department of Justice & Wall Street | Ronan Farrow | Sign Off – Pope Centerfold
SUIT REPORT: Black Pin Stripped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Purple Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Intro – 3/11/14

Tonight, a new trend hits college campuses, then immediately moves back home with its parents. Then, what are today’s employers looking for? A job. And, my guest Ronan Farrow, went from working for Hillary Clinton to hosting his own show on MSNBC, so he’s still working for Hillary Clinton. The E.U. wants to ban American cheese makers from using the name “Parmesan”. Fine, then they can’t use the name “Whiz”.

Fan Magazine for Pope Francis

Stephen Colbert with Il Mio Papa

  • Now folks, if you watch the show, you’ll know that I am as Catholic as it gets. But I have not been shy about my problems with this Pope. For one thing it’s six months after Labour Day, and he’s still wearing white.

“The popularity of Pope Francis continues to reach heights, and today he’s getting his own magazine. The 68-page ‘Il Mio Papa’ hit Italian newsstands offering a glossy look at the Pope, along with peeks into his personal life.”

  • This proves the church is only half a century behind the times.
  • It’s got a tour of the Pope’s crib. Including the Papal bed, with its luxurious hand carved headboard. Oh, yeah, that’s where the abstinence happens.
Pope Francis poster

Plus, every issue of ‘Il Mio Papa’ comes with a special pull-out centre fold poster of Il Papa.

The Huffington Post’s Anal Sex Bombshell

  • According to the Puffing Host, the latest rage on college campuses is anal sex. Yes, yes, it is a college fad like seeing how many students you can fit into a phone booth. And with anal sex, I’m guessing you can fit a lot more.
  • Now the Huffing Post broke this story by rolling up their sleeves and doing the kind of reporting that won them the Pulitzer Prize two years ago. They paraphrased a college newspaper column from Washington State University.
  • The original college piece was written by for-sure real person, “Abby Student”, and titled, “Considering the Taboo, Exploring the Road Less Traveled.”
  • That of course, a literary reference to poet Robert Frost’s most famous Penthouse letter.
Stephen Colbert on anal sex

Which means that, 8% of straight men aren’t as straight as they think they are.

The Huffington Post’s Anal Sex Bombshell – Randy Ferrar

Randy Ferrar on The Colbert Report

Please welcome youth trend expert and managing editor of ‘The Huffington Post’, Randy Ferrar.

Stephen: Why are the students getting more interested in the back door?
Randy: Because people are cool, back door, side door, front door. It don’t matter.
Stephen: What is the side door Randy?
Randy: Only one way to find out *wink*

Stephen: This is a pretty bold claim about a youth trend by ‘The Huffington Post’. Do you guys have any data to back it up?
Randy: Backing it up is what it’s all about.

Randy: You need to loosen up old man. Let me tell you a joke.
Stephen: Randy we really don’t have time for this –
Randy: Knock, knock.
Stephen: … who’s there?
Randy: Nobody, cause Randy’s going round through the back door.

Tip/Wag – U.S. Department of Justice & Wall Street

Stephen Colbert on Sprint

Tip of the Hat: US Department of Justice

  • Apparently, unchecked eavesdropping on our own citizens comes at a terrible price – the price.

“The Federal Government is now suing Sprint over the cost of bugging people’s phones. The lawsuit, filed Monday, claims Sprint overbilled the FBI and other agencies by $21 million for installing and maintaining wiretaps.”

  • Classic phone company trick. You think you’ve got an all-inclusive plan … Then they hit you with the line maintainence charge [$21,000,000.00].
  • So folks, I’m giving a tip of the hat to the US Department of Justice for publicly suing Sprint over their top-secret wiretapping program. That takes balls.

Side Wag of the Finger: Barack Obama

  • Look, someone’s gonna have to pay for this, sir. Because even the President of the United States is bound by his cellphone agreement. Though, apparently, not by the Constitution.

Stephen Colbert on the SATs

Tip of the Hat: Wall Street

  • I know a lot of you high schoolers out there are feeling the stress of the upcoming SATs. Do let me prep you for the test by going through some synonyms. SAT, panic, anxiety, hysteria, horror and failure. But don’t worry, you will do fine and if you don’t … The consequences will haunt you for the rest of your life.

“A number of employees are asking job applicants for their SAT scores. And I don’t just mean recent college grads. We’re talking about people in their 40’s and 50’s. […] According to the Wall Street Journal, consulting firms and banks are requesting them even for senior and management-level jobs.”

  • Yes. senior-level banking jobs. So I’m giving a tip of the hat to Wall Street for ensuring that one test on one day in the srping of your junior year seals your fate forever.
  • But why should we stop at test scores? They should have your permanent record. Because if you were ever suspended for cheating, welcome to Goldman.
  • I know for a fact that SAT scores are the barometer for future success, because the CEO of my parent company Viacom, Philippe Dauman scored a perfect “1600”.
  • And I scored high enough to know that it’s a good idea to say that your boss is perfect on television.

Interview – Ronan Farrow

Ronan Farrow on The Colbert Report

Stephen: What trap do you not want to fall into that you see the rest of Cable News falling into?
Ronan: I think it’s a lot of rhetoric, and it’s a lot of people shouting at each other –
Stephen: Yes, because the louder you are, the righter you are.
Ronan: And you do it well sir.