March 6, 2014 – Theaster Gates

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 10074 (March 6, 2014)
GUESTS: Theaster Gates
SEGMENTS: Intro – 3/6/14 | Legal Upskirting in Massachusetts | Women’s History Month – Impossible Body Standards & Appetizing Beauty Products | Warner Music’s “Happy Birthday” Copyright | Theaster Gates | Sign Off – Liberty Bell
SUIT REPORT: Charcoal Striped Suit | White Shirt | Grey/Black Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 6, 2014

Stephen Colbert rings the Liberty Bell

Stephen’s upskirting!

Intro – 3/6/14

Tonight, An innovation in beauty products. You won’t believe what they’re squirting into rabbit’s eyes now. Then, are copyright lawsuits getting out of hand? Unfortunately, the answer to that question has been trademarked. And my guest, Theaster Gates believes we can transform poor neighborhoods with art. Well that’s easy, just paint a better neighborhood over it.

Staples is closing 225 stores. Great, now where will I not find the ink cartridges I need? This is The Colbert Report!

Legal Upskirting in Massachusetts

In my home state of Massachusetts, the Supreme Court has determined that it’s okay to take a photo from under a woman’s skirt, without her knowledge, because she’s not actually nude. Go MA pride! woo!

Stephen rings a miniature liberty bell and then takes an upskirt shot of it.

Stephen Colbert rings a bell

“Someone waxes their clapper”

A man named Michael Robertson was accused of upskirting twice on the T, but he fought his case and won. The court said it isn’t illegal if the woman is not nude.

  • We owe our new found right to assemble under strangers’ legs, to peeping patriot Michael Robertson. He may not look like a civil rights hero, looks more like a guy strokin’ it behind the frog pond in the Boston Common.
  • Ladies, you have been given the right to upskirt, too. So if you’re next to a sexy young Highlander, you just grab your phone and you snap a pic of his bagpipe.
  • I would not be surprised if one day, someone built a statue to honor Michael Robertson. One assumes, right under the Statue of Liberty.

The Statue of Liberty on The Colbert Report

Apparently, things move fast in MA, so ladies before you go snap that bagpipe pic, read this.

Women’s History Month – Impossible Body Standards & Appetizing Beauty Products

I guess there’s a women’s history month now, or as Stephen calls it, “Womyn’s Herstory Monthstration.”

  • I will not be mentioning any African American women, because you already had your history month, don’t get greedy.
  • Did you know some women only weigh 8 pounds? STOP READING COSMO!

Stephen Colbert on Womens History Month

  • Young girls are obsessed with having a ‘thigh gap.’ I blame the impossible standards set by Spongebob.

Spongebob Thigh Gap

The products that women have to use to wash are full of food,  it’s no wonder we think about food more often than sex. There’s cake, fruit, veggies, nuts, froyo and vanilla body washes all over the marketplace.

  • Dial is also releasing a Greek Yogurt body wash. I just hope they don’t make one out of that Jamie Lee Curtis poop yogurt, because it could make for a messy shower.

Everytime he says, “Jamie Lee Curtis poop yogurt” I laugh myself silly. Please don’t stop saying that Stephen.

Warner Music’s “Happy Birthday” Copyright

Happy Birthday isn’t in the public domain? Apparently, yes, because Warner has been claiming royalties on it. Stephen knows this for a fact, because this is what happened when he started to sing Happy Birthday to wish “Happy Birthday” a happy 90th:

Stephen Colbert birthday

  • Don’t believe these people are serious about protecting their intellectual property? Marilyn Monroe sang it to President Kennedy and one year later, they were both dead.

A new conspiracy is born.

Stephen came up with an alternate song to sing for people’s birthdays, to the tune of the National Anthem:

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to me

Now we all get to sing Happy Birthday for free.

And the candles red glare, don’t set fire to your hair

You’re getting so old and you’re shaped like a pear.

Happy Birthday insert name here, if you don’t know it just mumble softly

Warner Music can’t sue me and the home of the brave.


Thanks to hubster Mrc for uploading an Mp3 of this. See comments below to listen.

Interview – Theaster Gates

He is an artist who has transformed houses in Chicago into works of art. He also runs the Rebuild Foundation.

So if you haven’t seen the interview, this before and after photo is correct, the one on the left is before and the one on the right is after.

Theaster Gates on The Colbert ReportHe transformed his own house into an archive he calls the listening house, because it has old records from a shop called Dr. Wax.

Theaster Gates Colbert Report interviewStephen thinks he should get a show on HGTV. I could see that happening actually.

Stephen: Have you built the houses around you?
Theaster: There’s a few houses.
Stephen: Are you building a compound?
Theaster: (in very high pitch) Well, I …
Stephen: Theaster, are you a cult leader?
Theaster: (another high pitched tone) Well, it’s important …
Stephen: Possibly? Does anyone call you father and do you have child brides?
Theaster: No, no (laughs)
Stephen: Tell me now, because when the subpoena comes it’ll be worse.
Theaster: No, no.

He could possibly expand out to other cities, not as a cult leader, and help poor neighborhoods like Detroit, or possibly Detroit, or he should really go to Detroit. The work he does is inspiring.