March 4, 2013 — Kirk Bloodsworth

The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 9070 (March 4, 2013)
GUESTS: Kirk Bloodsworth
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin
SEGMENTS: Sequestration & Obama’s Sci-Fi Flub | The Enemy Within – Dr. Skylar Bayer | Texas Gun Training Bill & Free Shotgun Experiment | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White Shirt | Burgundy Tie with White Spots
VIDEOS:Monday, March 4, 2013

A new Enemy Within alerts us to the dangers of scallop gonad obsessed scientists (oh yeah, they’re out there), Texas wants to make mandatory gun safety training quick ‘n easy, and Kirk Bloodsworth talks about his opposition of the death penalty. Talk up this ep, there’s more coming after the jump. Scallop Man!!!

This ep was all about mavericks “livin’ the dream,” whether it be grad student Kyle Coplen handing out shotguns for his “scientific” study, or Andy Mays, offering to hide your drunkenly crashed wreck for you. Because he just rolls like that.

The interview with Mr. Bloodsworth was a little disappointing. Capital punishment is a very serious topic, and yes, Stephen is hilarious, but when the guest reacts to the jokes it distracts from the arguments he is trying to make. Oh well. As Stephen says, “Movin’ on” – to the quotes.

Sequestration & Obama’s Sci-Fi Flub

Shave with a Cheese Grater

It’s time to put the government on a diet. And just like a real diet, the best way to lose weight is just to take a cheese grater and shave off 2% everywhere.

Obama confuses Star Trek with Star Wars

I kill you!

Obama’s sci-fi flub should be Obama’s gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

The Enemy Within – Dr. Skylar Bayer

Andy Mays on The Colbert Report

Nation, you know it’s my sacred duty to protect you from those who would destroy our way of life. That way of life? You watching TV, like you are about to do more of right now.

Andy Mays: If you crashed your car drunk, and you need somebody to hide it for you and everything, I can do that on a moment’s notice.
Stephen: We get it, ladies love a huge sack.
Andy Mays: I was able to give Skylar the balls, then I was able to take the meat, and give them to my friends, and they gave me liquor. (Editor’s note: WIN!)
Stephen: Improve reproduction? Then maybe it’s not a great idea to cut their balls off.

Stephen: A lonely lady scientist with five gallons of scallop gonads, can lead to one horrifying reality: Scallop Man!

Stephen Colbert freaks out

Scallop Man!

Texas Gun Training Bill & Free Shotgun Experiment

  • Yes this gun rush is the kind of shopping frenzy you normally see on Black Friday, only less dangerous.
  • Exactly, why waste time listening to dumb stories about so-and-so who didn’t pay attention in [gun safety] class? Who cares? He’s dead now.

Yes, you can’t ask people to take a whole Saturday to learning how to operate a deadly weapon. That is time they could be spending accidentally shooting their family.

  • [Gun control advocates] have this crazy idea that if we have fewer guns, fewer people will be shot.
  • Rachel HaircutOh come on, that [Harvard Study] was the nineties! Am I supposed to listen to some scientist with a Rachel haircut?!
  • The original plan was to give out Batman costumes, but in Texas copyright laws are more stricter than gun laws.
  • [Kyle Coplen] is not giving out cigarettes or alcohol, ’cause once you have a gun you can get those things for free.
  • Background check? Safety course? That could take up a whole Saturday.

“Besides, if he really wants to test the impact of guns on crime, it’s got to be a bigger study. First of all, you are going to need a control group, who are given placebo guns. They look identical to real guns, but they shoot sugar bullets. So they don’t kill anyone, they just give you type 2 diabetes. Then you need to create another neighborhood that is nothing but guns, I am talking chock full of glock, guns slipped under doors like Thai delivery menus, and every store has a “take a gun, leave a gun” tray. Then, if gun deaths go down, we’ll know definitely if more guns really make us safer, and everybody gets to keep their guns. And, if gun deaths skyrocket, then everybody still gets to keep their guns.”

Interview – Kirk Bloodsworth

Kirk Bloodsworth Colbert Report interview

Kirk Bloodsworth: We have possibly executed innocent people all over this country.
Stephen: Again, the “killing innocent people” card is so easy to win the argument, because it is the worst thing you can imagine, and if that is true, then no state should have the death penalty.
KB: That’s absolutely right.
Stephen: Because if one person dies who is innocent, that is too many. That itself is a murder that we are all complicit in, for looking the other way. That’s why I need to ignore … again, that is why you are winning the argument. Which is not fair. (Bloodsworth laughs in response.)

This is a Christian nation. As a Christian, and as a Christian nation, shouldn’t we keep the death penalty? Because without the death penalty, we would not have a religion.