April 5, 2012 — Anne Rice

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8081 (April 5, 2012)
GUESTS: Anne Rice
SEGMENTS:   Bad News About Good Unemployment News | Colbert’s Very Wanted – Manatee Mailbox | Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel | Anne Rice  | Sign Off – Lincoln Tunnel
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Red/white/blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 5, 2012

I like it!

Bad News About Good Unemployment News

Notable Quotables

  • Martha!  I thought we were friends.
  • If only someone could bring us back to earth… and then keep going until we’re six feet under… and it would help if he resembled a conniving funeral home director.

Nation, you know, I believe that America’s greatest days are ahead of us. That’s why, every so often, it is important to remind ourselves: No they’re not. 

Because otherwise Barak Obama might get credit for it. So you can imagine how I felt this morning when I turned on Fox News only to face my worst fear. Good news.

A lot of us are working very hard to remind America that this man is destroying our country but then you and Happy Hammer come along with your pretty green arrow and take a big sunshine dump on our rain parade.

Thank you for that perspective, Stew. Things are getting better but they’re not getting more better any faster. Just the same amount of better, which is worse.

Well, I want to echo Stew Varney’s sentiments and remind you, it’s always brightest before the dusk and the fragrance of the sweetest blossom carries with it the first whiff of decay.

Even the perfect infant cradle in your arms will one day grow old and die.  And your friends won’t be there to comfort you because they’ll be dead too.

Remember the good times and more importantly, remember that they are over and can never happen again.  Ashes, nothing but ashes.

The happiness you feel today is merely the plateau from which you will soon plummet.  And during that free fall, you will remember that you left the stove on.  Barak Obama.

Colbert’s Very Wanted – Manatee Mailbox

Notable Quotables

  • That is why I’m introducing a new segment that punishes criminals by talking about them on TV.
  • But which is it?  A boy or a girl? (Denise:  The mailbox went both ways.  Male and female.)
  • Mr. Manatee was stripped… naked!

Now, fortunately, there’s more bad news because crime rates are soaring. Somewhere. Probably. Especially gun violence. It just keeps going up no matter how many guns we buy! *whispers* I don’t understand!

These are manatees. Noble, haunting, lethargic. As beautiful as they are endangered. But you might know them better by their street name: mailboxes.

Yes, frozen in place these novelty mailboxes bring years of joy to owners and passersby alike. That is, until things go terribly wrong.

Owner, Denise Hasty, told us about her box.

Emergency workers were poised to respond. (Denise: I never called 911.)

Neighbor, John Anthony, recalls coming perilously close to going outside. (John: I was like, wow and I wanted to go out but I was watching TV…)

I was coming home from work and I drove by and the next thing I know, I see the manatee doesn’t have a head and you know, I just, I actually had to stop the car and back up and look. And that’s when I’m like. “What the f*@K!?!”

So what could have caused this innocent manatee’s head to blow off? This was a job for the SVU. Sea Cow Victims Unit.

Ballistics Expert, Peter Diaczuck: What we have in front of us is a twenty year old manatee or indeterminable gender that has been blown apart by a small explosive device.

Forensic Psychologist, Dr. Stephen Reich: It is obvious that the person who did this wants to demonstrate that ‘I have tremendous power’… They want to demonstrate to an inanimate object ‘I have power, I am potent, I am big, I am strong.’

I had to find a pattern and finally here it was, 2001, a case in Fort Meyers Florida with our sicko all over it. Doris the manatee’s skirt was pulled down.

This is Mr. Manatee. He’s the one on the left; Joanne Heckman is on the right.

Joanne later received the crumpled Santa suit, along with this hand written note. Exactly the kind of clue that could break this case wide open. (Handwriting analyst, Roger Rubin: It reads, “To the Heckmans from the Grinch")

The manatee mutilator is a highly trained, very intelligent person, as well, and clearly with criminal intent.

Stephen: Yes, but we were closing in on him.  Right?

Dr. Reich: No, not necessarily.  I think this is actually very, very hard person to, quote “catch”.

Mr. Diaczuck: I don’t think you’ll be able to catch this person.

Forensic Scientist, Lawrence Kobilinsky: But until that happens, I think manatees are going to be in great danger.

Stephen: So lock your doors America because no matter where you are, as long as it’s mid-south coastal Florida and you have a manatee mailbox, the mutilator could strike at any time.

Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel

Nation, if you watch this show you know I’m a journalist 24 hours a day, including when I’m asleep. Which is how I scooped the competition with my recent expose

And my quest for the story extends to my morning commute. Today, as I was driving through the Lincoln Tunnel, I captured a story of hope with my iPhone.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of commuting through the Lincoln Tunnel, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine taking two hundred and fifty thousand jelly beans and pouring them through a single, drinking straw. Where all the jelly beans are pissed because they’re late for work.

Well, today I was one of those jelly beans. Stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and this is true, when a guy on a dirt bike blew by my car poppin’ a wheelie in the Lincoln Tunnel.

Then, he changes lanes and he looks back at me like, yeah!

And I’m like f*@k yeah! Whoo!

So he pops another wheelie! This guy is a total badass! I mean you can get a ticket for changing lanes in the Lincoln Tunnel. Clearly America is back ladies and gentlemen.

This, this, this huge, huge balls, stick it to the man, live free or die attitude has been a vital part of this country ever since George Washington jumped the Delaware.

Only problem, he didn’t stick the landing. That’s how he lost his teeth

Folks, this Lincoln Tunnel guy is the spirit of America! And so am I because was I focusing on the road? No! I was video tapping See See Rider here and guess what. Guess what! The cops can’t touch us. We’re under the Hudson River, I believe that’s international waters. You can gamble down there. This guy certainly was.

Now, at the end of the tunnel Mr. Dirtbike dropped back and asked me to text him the video from my phone but I forgot your area code. I didn’t write it down because I was driving and video tapping and writing would have made it dangerous.

So I hope that broadcasting it will be acceptable instead and by the way, my name is Stephen Colbert and I have a television show.

Anne Rice

My guest tonight has a new novel called, “The Wolf Gift”. Quick tip, remember to keep your wolf gift receipt.

Stephen:  …Now, you have a new novel called, “The Wolf Gift”.  Now, I assume from the title, this is about a wolf who learns the true meaning of Christmas.

Anne:  No, no, actually he just learns how to be a werewolf…


Stephen:  Wait, Ruben Golding, is he Jewish?

Anne:  Well, actually, no, he actually isn’t Jewish.

Stephen:  He’s not?

Anne:  But he might be, his background, I haven’t gotten into the back-story of the ancestry yet.

Stephen:  Oh, really? Cause I’m not sure if man flesh is kosher.

Anne:  Well that would be a problem because he definitely does get carried away and he does eat man flesh.

Stephen:  He does eat people.  Now, this is a problem for him.

Anne:  Well, he has-

Stephen:  I hope this is a problem for him.


Stephen:  Okay, here’s my problem.  I read all your vampire novels.  I loved em.  They, they, you know, they, uh, I felt.  I felt after I read Interview With a Vampire, the first one, I kind of felt like I, I, my mouth was full of blood.  Honest to God, from reading it.  I’m not sure whether I should recommend it to my brother.

Anne:  Well, I was going to ask.

Stephen:  I did I recommended it to my brother, I’m like I gotta let you know I kind of feel like I’m a vampire now.  And, but what I liked about those is that these people are damned!  It’s not a happy experience for them. And I don’t like about the modern were- the sparkly, uh, vampires you got now, is it’s all just glamour, glamour, let’s get married.

Anne:  Yes.

Stephen:  Do you feel like these, these newer vampire novels pervert the, the good story of vampires?  It’s a deal with the devil.

Anne:  Well, I don’t know if it is a deal with the devil.

Stephen:  Really?

Anne:  I think, kind of, vampires are a metaphor for all of us.  The outsider.

Stephen:  Vampires are obviously a metaphor for gay people.  What are werewolves?  Werewolves are Hispanics? Or-

Anne:  No.


Stephen:  Can we talk about outcasts for a second?

Anne:  Sure.

Stephen:  You, madame, very famously, uh, re-embraced Catholicism about a couple, ten, fifteen years back.  Right?

Anne:  I did.

Stephen:  And, uh, you said your not going to write any more vampire novels.  You’re all, you know, Christian at this point and, uh, how long’d ya do that?

Anne:  Twelve years.

Stephen:  Okay, now, you are no longer a Christian.  Correct? No longer a Catholic?

Anne:  That’s right.

Stephen:  Okay, now, you realize, you were a Catholic long enough to know that you are going to hell, right?

Anne:  Yes.

Stephen:  Okay, you’ll have plenty of monsters to write about first hand when one of them’s jabbing you in the hiney with a red hot pitch fork.  You realize that?  Red, hot, iron, coffin for all eternity.  You are a heretic!  You are a heretic!

Anne:  Maybe that will happen.

Stephen:  Maybe!

Anne:  And maybe it will not.

Stephen:  No maybes about it baby!  Oh, really?  Oh, really?

Anne:  Maybe there is no hell.

Stephen:  Oh! Sure!

Anne:  Maybe there is no devil.

Stephen:  Maybe there is no devil.  Maybe there is no hell.  Coin toss.  Oh, heads.  I win.  Tails, you lose the biggest thing you can: your immortal soul.  Why?  Why would you risk that Anne Rice?

Anne:  I don’t think I’m risking it Mr. Colbert.

Stephen:  You could be wrong!

Anne:  I really don’t.

Stephen:  You could be wrong.

Anne:  I could be.

Stephen:  Okay, why not weigh a doubt against a certainty and believe?

Anne:  It’s not a certainty for me.

Stephen:  It is!

Anne:  No, it’s just not a certainty at all.  I don’t, I can’t believe the Christian belief system.

Stephen:  Really?

Anne:  I can’t believe there is a devil who goes around the world just trying to get people to commit sins.  I can’t imagine the psychology of the devil.  I can’t imagine what his day is like.

Stephen:  You can understand the psychology but you can understand the psychology.  He’s busy!  He’s been very busy with you, I can tell.

Anne:  No, he hasn’t.

Stephen:  You can’t understand the psychology of the devil, a historical figure, but you can understand the psychology of a werewolf and a vampire?

Anne:  Fictional figures, yes, I can.  I can.  Absolutely.

Stephen:  Alright, okay.  Whatever lets you sleep at night. Now, have you though about combining all your different novels?  Vampires, werewolves, and Jesus?  Because, what about Jesus, who is a weresavior and he has to fight a vampire Judas.

Anne:  No, I would rather pass on that.  I would, I would like to pass on that.  I have done two novels about Jesus that I put my heart and my soul into.

Stephen:  You don’t have a soul.

Anne:  I did at the time.

Stephen:  You did at the time? You should go looking for that thing.

Sign Off – Lincoln Tunnel

I will see you in the Lincoln Tunnel, motorcycle man! Goodnight!