December 8, 2011 — Jack Abramoff

The Colbert Report Episode Guide EPISODE NUMBER: 8032 (December 8, 2011)
GUESTS: Jack Abramoff
SEGMENTS: Michigan’s Snow Cone Machines | Cheating Death – Chicken Pox Lollipops & Fecal Transplants | Rick Perry’s Pro-Christmas Ad
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Red/White stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, December 8, 2011

This episode was full of sweet candy goodness and I’m not just talking about how nice Stephen’s hair looked. The fact that Michigan is getting Sno-Kone machines, excuse me, Ice Shaving machines, from grant money was an eye opener that I’m sure will not be covered much elsewhere. I loved the visual approximation of Mr. Freeze. Visual approximation jokes never get old. Cheating Death was pretty revolting. The mere thought of eating feces and licking lollipops already licked by strangers was hard to believe and yet I know since it was on the show, it must be true.

Rick Perry. I don’t know whether he is just saying this stuff to get publicity or whether he actually believes what he spews, but something tells me it’s actually both. The ad has been on Youtube for a few days now and it’s getting a lot of attention. Stephen put things into perspective as always with lip-locking Santas.

Jack Abramoff was an interesting interview. Hopefully he really is a changed man and will now be out there fighting corruption. It’s kind of hard to believe that now, so he’s got a lot of work to do to earn the public’s trust again.

Stephen show open

Would you like a SnoKone?

Memorable Quotes:

*I don’t want to cause any panic, but if you’re not currently panicking, that’s reason enough to freak out.

*It is like a mitten of death pointed right at the heart of Southern Ontario.

*For more, we turn to Fox News’ senior anchor with Playmobile hair, Bret Baier.

*Al Qaeda’s from the desert, they’ve got no defense against snow, especially in cone form.

*It is an attraction for volunteers. Would you like to risk your life, battling terrorists for no money? What if I offered you a Sno-Kone?

*This is not a bouncy castle, it is an inflatable, bouncy Gitmo, which can be used to detain enemy combatants. First we load ’em up with cotton candy, and then we make ’em feel barfy in the tum-tums.

*They are guaranteed not to harm your kids’ mental development. Although if you are giving your kids lollipops licked by a stranger, your kids mental development may not be the main concern.

The latest from Prescott Pharmaceuticals:

Vacsa-Yummies, including Junior Mintingitis, M & Mbolism’s and Goobers. Side effects include conjunction junctivitis, shin squints and win lupus or draw.

Vacsa You don’t want to know. Side effects include… you really don’t want to know.

*These gays can’t celebrate their favorite holiday, being away from their family risking their lives in Afghanistan.

*I was attracted to Christmas at a very early age.

*I saw a Gingerbread man and wanted him in my mouth.

STEPHEN: Did you steal from Indians?


STEPHEN: You did not steal from Indians? because that is one of the founding principles of our nation.