December 7, 2011 — David Hallberg

The Colbert Report Episode Guide EPISODE NUMBER: 8031 (December 7, 2011)
GUESTS: David Hallberg
SPECIAL GUESTS: Dick Harpootlian | Hee Seo
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s South Carolina Serious, Classy Republican Debate | Colbert Super PAC – Stephen’s South Carolina Referendum | Colbert Super PAC – Stephen’s South Carolina Referendum – Dick Harpootlian | Jon Huntsman Sr.’s Ad Buy | “The Nutcracker” Ballet Performance
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Black/silver stripped tie | Black Ballet tights
VIDEOS: Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Oh my goodness, it was Stephen in tights tonight!! So light, so graceful. Need more be said? Well, maybe. 🙂 We learned of Stephen’s South Carolina Serous, Classy Republican Debate in January! Replete with chandeliers and audience-controlled dimmer switches. Ooh la la! Stephen is King of Debates indeed!


Serious, Classy Republican Debate

The point is, Animal Planet, call me. Or don’t, I don’t care. I’ve got a million other networks interested. BET, Oxygen, Cinemax. That’s right, all the GOP candidates nude in the champagne room, puttin’ ’em on the glass. But tasteful.

I feel for Donald in this whole thing. He called me last night, he cried, we talked, he was a gentleman about it, okay. I’ve got all the respect in the world for this guy, okay. That said, he’s a punchline. He’s a pile of joke dust coughed up by Carrot Top.

What I’m saying is, the King is dead, long live the King, I am the King of Debates.

I’m going to have experts for the questions, okay. On the economy, I’m going to have Alan Greenspan. Foreign policy, Eva Longoria. Great lady, number one caboose in primetime, okay. Makes Kelly Rippa look like a hog at the trough. I can say that because Kelly’s a freind. Kelly, lose some weight.

I am on the South Carolina Republican Primary like white on the Republican Primary.


South Carolina Referendum

Here’s the truth. I love South Carolina, it’s my home state. It’s from that rich culture that I get my love of liberty, my personal values, and my chemical dependency on barbecue sauce.

Your voice [will] be heard in the form of my voice.

If you prick a corporation, does it not bleed? Well, technically it doesn’t, but it does sue so do not prick them.

I believe that South Carolina deserves the right to vote for something that couldn’t possibly have an effect. After all, Jon Huntsman’s on the ballot!


Dick Harpootlian: We think people are people.

Stephen: But you only say that because you’re a people. That seems kind of racist to me.

bets on sports


Dick Harpootlian: How far do you carry this?

Stephen: I think corporations should be able to carry guns and get married.

Dick nods.


Wait a minute, you’re a Democrat, how can you have standing in South Carolina? I thought the Republicans made you live underneath the stairs like Harry Potter.

Jon Huntsman Commercial

Luckily, Jon Huntsman and his Dad are not coordinating… They know the rules, they don’t talk about it. They restrict their dinner table conversation to things like, “Hey Dad, do you want some more chicken? And did you know that I’m campaigning only in New Hampshire where a massive ad buy would really be great? Pass the peas. And the money.”

[Jon Huntsman] wants to earn it. Just like he earned his position as Chairman of Huntsman Corporation, working his way up from his first job out of college, vice president.

David Hallberg & Ballet Performance

I will make sure he stays on point. [Oh Stephen, so witty! ♥]

Stephen: Why are you trying to lose us the Cold War?

David Hallberg: Stephen, the Cold War’s over.

Stephen: Uh, it was until you did this.

David Hallberg: No one has done this before.

Stephen: No, no one has been this big a traitor to the United States. You are Benedict Arnold in slightly tighter pants.

And more from Stephen’s beautiful ballet performance: