SuperPACs have led to what was described in the New York Times yesterday as a new breed of super-donor. About two-dozen individuals, couples or corporations have given a million dollars or more this year to Republican superPACs that have poured that money directly into this year’s presidential campaign.

SuperPACs, both Republican and Democratic, are empowered by the Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision and other rulings to collect unlimited contributions from individuals, corporations and unions. We’re going to talk about this new post-Citizens United world of campaign financing.

Our first guest is Trevor Potter, who has become something of a celebrity since he became Stephen Colbert’s lawyer and advised Colbert on how to create his own superPAC. Potter is the founding president of the Campaign Legal Center and helped defend the 2002 McCain-Feingold law, which enacted campaign finance restrictions.

Complete Transcript: NPR.org

(Thanks to SoMuch2Know for the Tip!)

Indecision 2012- Arizona GOP Debate

Stephen kicks it off by checking in with the two remaining contenders of the GOP. Apparently, both Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are really to blame for Obama care. Plus, Mitt’s invented a new way for all of us to avoid responsibility. Simply don’t feel the need to respect people enough to answer the questions they ask you and you can do whatever you like. At least, if you’re super rich that is. I guess most of us have bosses and stuff, whatever.

Notable Quotables

• Happy Birthday to Estonia. It’s a tiny country with a good PR department.

Yeah, Rick! If you didn't endorse this clown in 2004 who cast the deciding vote on Obama care five years later. We wouldn't have Obama's disastrous government mandated health care that Mitt Romney designed. So look in the mirror, buddy. You're not gonna like what you see.

Way to go Mitt! Boom, boom. You can give whatever answers you want. Who cares what the question was? I want to try. Jimmy, hit me with one of last night’s questions.

Why was George W. Bush wrong in his efforts to save the auto industry and why was Barack Obama wrong to continue the effort?

Lincoln because the question I’m answering is: what is the capital of Nebraska? I’m good at this. I’m good at this. Give me another.

How do you plan on dealing with the growing nuclear threat in Iran?

He was stabbed with an icicle and it melted. Okay, I’m on a roll. I’m on a roll.

What are you going to do to bring down the debt?

Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. The people know. This gives hope to all of us. President Romney will make us great again. Imagine how well our kids will do on tests! What is the quadratic equation? Answer: once at camp but I didn’t like it. Now, you may ask. You may ask, if Mitt doesn’t want to answer the question, why did he agree to a debate? To which, I say 34DD.

Posthumous Mormon Baptism

What can a person say when they learn that Mormons are posthumously baptizing Jews? What in the telestial kingdom are they thinking?

Elie Wiesel, is the author of the famous trilogy Night, Dawn, and Day (if you weren’t forced to read these in High School please take a look at them now as it is a truly remarkable autobiographical journey of a Holocaust survivor). Apparently Mr. Wiesel sees a problem with Mormons baptizing Jews without permission and has decided to call them out on it. For their part, the Mormons intend to deal with this by baptizing him after he dies. The last laugh is on them though, Stephen’s ensured they’ll be Hava Nagilaing it to Heaven or at least, a part of them will.

Notable Quotables

• What business is it of yours, Elie? I did some research and it turns out those six hundred thousand Jews are now Mormons.
• Now, I don’t get why Elie Wiesel’s so upset about his name being on a list.

Besides, the Mormons have stopped baptizing Holocaust victims. Other than last week, when they baptized Ann Frank. Which they've done nine times. But that's it! Nobody else.

So let me explain the ritual, okay? What happens is a Mormon elder reads a list of dead people's names while a living Mormon proxy is submerged in water. Often in a large baptismal font on the back of twelve oxen representing the twelve tribes of Israel. The Mormons use it to travel back to baptize people in the past. It's, it's like it's some kinda...

Craig Robinson: Hot tub time machine.

That's it! I didn't even know this guy was a Mormon.

Now, I want to be clear as television's most famous and important Catholic, I don't not condone posthumous Mormon baptism. If you're going to baptize someone against their will, you do it the Catholic way, with an inquisition.

Mormons are just trying to get these dead Jews into heaven. Now, of course, they’re not allowed into the best Mormon heaven. That’s in the celestial kingdom and is for true born Mormons only. It is the first class cabin of paradise. Hot towel, warm nuts, the whole shebang.

But don’t worry dead Jewish viewers. You do… get admitted to the terrestrial kingdom, which is sort of Mormon heaven business class. And finally, the riffraff end up in the telestial kingdom, it’s the sphere populated by the liars, sorcerers, adulterers, and whore mongers. So it is literally like flying coach.

Now, (takes out a cigar cutter) by the power vested in me by renting Yentl, I hereby circumcise every dead Mormon. In the name of the Father, and that's it. (Snips hot dog tip). Mormon tov! (tosses it in his mouth and eats it). Congratulations dead Mormons, you're now dead Jews. I just hope no one baptizes you without your permission.

Wheat Thins Sponsortunity

If Stephen’s newest sponsor doesn’t like rebels they’ve hired the wrong product peddler. He skewers the salty square makers until they crack. Which is no small feat considering the crackers themselves are surprisingly crack resistant, as the teeth of it’s consumers can attest to. Will Nabisco seek wheatribution? Perhaps in the form of another memo Stephen can use to wheattack them on air? I know, I know, these puns wear thin (okay, I could literally hear you all groan that time).

- Picture from About Health.com

Depicted above is about twice the amount of Wheat Thins Stephen is allowed to show. About 300 calories worth, which translates into about two cans of Stephen’s old sponsor, Dr. Pepper. There are currently four cans of Dr. Pepper on my coffee table. I’m not trading two cans for 34 crackers, how ’bout you?

Notable Quotables

• Wheat Thins, crunch is calling and the call is coming from inside your mouth. Get out of there!
• I know what you’re thinking, Stephen, how important could Wheat Thins be? Yeah, I used to think that way too. Until, I received this actual memo from Wheat Thins.
• No listen up. Shut up! Listen up. If you have Wheat Thins at home and I hope you do, go get ‘em and if you don’t have any go buy some. I’ll wait. Are they gone? Good ’cause I am not waiting for anyone who didn’t already have Wheat Thins.
• Now, I would love to pour this whole box in my mouth right now but the memo clearly states that we can’t show over-consumption. That is a brand “don’t”. You see the serving size for Wheat Thins is sixteen crackers. So as delicious as they are, I shouldn’t eat more than sixteen and also if they are shown out of the box, like in a bowl, there should only be a max of sixteen. So remember everyone, while When Thins is, quote a snack for anyone who is actively seeking experiences, those experiences do not include the experience of eating seventeen crackers.

Let me tell you something, you think you know Wheat Thins? F*@k you. F*@k you and the cracker you rode in on.

Okay? What's it go with? Cheese? Yes! Hummus? Sure. A discarded strip of truck tire? It can handle it.

Now I want to reiterate, I cannot say this too many times, that this is an actual memo. From Wheat Thins, that I received, and I just want to make sure you understood that Wheat Thins are not a crusader or rebel looking to change an individual paths or the world. No! That's those outside agitators over at Cheese Nips. You can't trust them. Their liable to start a riot. Out there, showing everybody their nips.

Now that I understand how much philosophy is packed into every 100% whole grain square, I gotta have me some.

This feels right. But I still want more. Whattaya say, should I go for 17?

I would like to apologize to Wheat Thins and the entire Nabisco Family of snackable products. I thought that I was building a purposeful experience relevant to the brand but I see now that I was being a crusader and/or a rebel.

Placido Domingo

My guest tonight is the most famous opera singer in the world. Even better, you're not watching PBS.

Stephen: Maestro, thank you so much! Please, sit down. Now… sir, I am enormous fan. Not only of you but of the form of opera.

Placido: Really?

Stephen: Yeah, ’cause ya get your money’s worth out of opera.

Placido: Absolutely, not enough.

Stephen: It’s pricey. It’s pricey. I love the way that you opera people just soak the snooty crowd for those ticket prices. But-but you really give the people something for their money. Like you’re bursting into tears fifteen minutes in and the leading lady dies for like, four hours. What’s the longest it’s taken you to die on stage?

Placido: Well, actually, I’m just in an opera Simon Boccanegra . Now-

Stephen: I’m sorry, what?

Placido: Si-mon Boc-ca-negra

Stephen: Boccanegra? They prefer to be called Bocca Americans. Okay, go ahead, yes?

Placido: Okay, so, uh. This character, this character gets poisoned in the second act and I die in the third act. You know?

Stephen: That’s a very long poisoning.

Placido: So, this is the longest I- it take me to die.

Stephen: .. You have uh, sung uh, in the… most viewed opera of all time. Your production of Tosca seen by a billion people. Correct?

Placido: Right

Stephen: Wow! That’s one out of every six people on the planet or like, two-thirds of the Chinese. Either one.

Placido: Well, yes.

Stephen: Why is it the tenors get all the attention? Why do the tenors always get the girl? Why not the baritone?

Placido: Well, the thing is this. Because the tenors, they are the heroes. You know? And sometimes they have the good looking noble wives. You know? So they have, they have-

Stephen: You kind of look like the most interesting man in the world… I don’t always sing opera but when I do, I’m the tenor.

Placido: Yeah, of course.

Stephen: Now, I’ve got one problem with opera. Why all the European languages? Why the Italian, the Spanish, the French, the German? Why not good solid American operas? Have you ever done an American opera?

Placido: Yeah.

Stephen: Were you like, Mustafah in The Lion King..?

Placido: I have done some American operas. There are very, very good American operas also but, of course, the opera was born four hundred years ago in Europe. And, of course, starts in Italy. In Italy, then French, Russian, German, and the other, in Scandinavian countries.

Stephen: Best opera. What’s the best opera?

Placido: The best opera? Oh, I-I cannot say it.

Stephen: Rigoletto is the best opera.

Placido: Rigoletto, you love it?

Stephen: Yeah, yeah, best song. Best song.

Placido: Absolutely, the most popular song.

Stephen: Yeah, La Dona E Mobile. Number one song. Number one song of all time.

Placido: It is so known, the opera, that the whole evening they are- the public is sitting, you know? In the auditorium and when in comes (sings) “ta, ta, ta, dee, da, dah. Pah pum pa.” Everybody says, “Rigoletto!” And it is in the-

Stephen: Do they sing along? Do they sing along? Is it like a Springsteen concert?

Placido: No, they don’t sing. That would be fun. You know? Just to say, ‘come on, sing with us’.

Stephen: Exactly, come on! Do the chorus! Clap! Do you ever teach people to sing? Do you do Master classes, that kind of stuff?

Placido: I-I, sometimes I teach.

Stephen: Would you, would you teach me how to sing?

Placido: Absolutely.

Stephen: I tell you what, when we come back, Placido and I, we will opera.

Placido Domingo & Stephen Colbert – “La Donna E Mobile”

La Donna E Mobile from Lyrics007

La donna è mobile, qual piùma al vento, Woman is fickle (movable), like a feather in the wind,

muta d’accento, e di pensiero.
she changes the tone of her voice (i.e., her accents), and her thought

Sempre un amabile, leggiadro viso,
Always a sweet, pretty face,

in pianto o in riso, è menzognero.
in tears or in laughter, (she) is (always) lying

La donna è mobile, qual piùma al vento,
Woman is fickle, like a feather in the wind,

muta d’accento, e di pensier
she changes her accents, and her thoughts

e di pensier, e di pensier
and her thoughts, and her thoughts

Eye Candy

© Placido Domingo's Facebook

Temporarily Abstaining is Mildly Difficult to Do

Stephen’s come a long way, baby. For what seemed like forever Minority Democratic Leader Pelosi gave him the cold shoulder and pretended like she didn’t know him, even when he toasted her as “Madam Glam” at the Glamour Magazine awards a few years back. Last night she appeared on the Report all smiles on her 25th anniversary of public service, no less, to seek his support of her DISCLOSE Act. And now, we are going to a have a glut of new BKADS to enjoy. With the Dems’ participation in the series, we’ll have a lot more cocaine and prostitute enjoying coming our direction once again, to be sure.

Overall, I thought she did a smashing job with Stephen. She has greatly progressed in it-gettery since her House Speaker days.

I am saddened that Stephen has given up the joy of conquistador high-fiving, although it gave Frank Lesser an excuse to dress up like a curly-haired Don Quijote. It was quite endearing, actually.

The Word was just fantastic, and a great topic, too. It is kind of creepy when you are checking out and those “suggestive” coupons print out after your purchase. Sometimes, you just have to let go and let Target.

Intro

Tonight! It’s the beginning of Lent. Luckily, I didn’t give up thunderous applause.

My guest is House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. But if she’s here, who’s getting nothing done in Congress?

Stephen’s Lenten Sacrifice

Time-honored Catholic Traditions

Last year I gave up something truly important to me as a Catholic: being Catholic. It was tough, it was tough, but I did get some great Bar Mitzvah gifts.

I still haven’t figured out what I am going to give up this year. I was going to go with the classic, chocolate. But that’s impossible since the introduction of mint dark chocolate M & Ms. I mean I love God and everything, but these things are like crack.

"Speaking of which, I definitely can't give up crack. That stuff is highly addictive, yet reasonable priced."

But I’ve go to find something to sacrifice that I both enjoy and know I can stick to giving up.

Nation, and (God) Nation, I, Stephen Colbert, do solemnly swear to give up high-fiving conquistadors.

I know what you are thinking, why not something easier, like fist-bumping lions? But as America’s most famous Catholic, I need to set a good example.

I’m so sorry Don Diego Juan Carlos. It’s just that I made a very specific promise to God.

Man, I am going to have to smoke so much crack to forget about this.

The Word – Surrender to a Buyer Power

Folks, there was a time when Americans lived in small communities. Neighbors would look out for each other, lend you a cup of sugar, help you paint the house, band together to drive out the Irish.

But these days with big cities and the internet we feel increasingly isolated, especially if you joined Google Plus.

Luckily, the free market an all knowing power that’s a little more tangible, and it brings us to tonight’s Word.

As human beings, we all crave to be known, and not just in the biblical sense. [Begettin' some.]

But there is someone who knows all about here on earth: retailers. [In Gap we trust.]

So men, for the first time, a rack might be staring at you. ['My buys are up here.']

"Yes, Target knows what websites you visit. And if you are watching this on the web, hey now know you know they know."

They can sense you’re having a baby, without even meeting you. They’re like and Obi Gyn Knobi. ['The Fetus is strong in this one.']

Just in time for “Not Going Back to School Sales” ['Who I did on my summer vacation.']

The point is, Target knew this girl better than her own father – [More like Big Brother.]

And the marketer who knows they’re in a weakened state, can scoop them up, like the gentle, loving hands of a predatory cult. [Like the Apple Store.]

They’re like a marketing strike force. [Sales Team Six.]

Yes, Target works in mysterious ways. [Why do good deals happen to bad people?]

Once you accept Target into your heart, you’ll find they’re everywhere, watching over you during the most important passages of your life. [Barcode mitzvah.]

They might not be able to stop your wife from cheating on you, but they can notice she is buying perfume and lingerie, and then send you a coupon for a hot plate for your new studio apartment. [And 20% off age of next girlfriend.]

And they cannot keep your son from being gay, but when they find out before he does, they can send him a DVD. Because I believe Season 2 of Glee is not a choice. [Santana is such a bitch!]

Retail Nation, take solace in the fact that Target will always be there in the most troubled times. When you look back on the beach of your life and see only one set of footprints, you weren’t alone, that was when was selling you flip flops. [Birkenstalkers.]

BKAD- California’s 8th & Nancy Pelosi

"Why are women so obsessed with controlling their own bodies?"

"If I support the Disclose Act, will you encourage the Democratic of the House of Representatives to do my Better Know a District series? "

Sign Off – Conquistador Sacrifice

Decepcionado

Stephen Colbert’s “America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t” is set to be released on October 2nd, 2012.

The book will be published by Grand Central Publishing, and will be available in hardcover, e-book and as an audio book.

“Book store nation, in the history of mankind there has never been a greater country than America. You could say we’re the #1 nation at being the best at greatness.

But as perfect as America is in every single way, America is broken! And we can’t exchange it because we’re 236 years past the 30-day return window. Look around–we don’t make anything anymore, we’ve mortgaged our future to China, and the Apologist-in-Chief goes on world tours just to bow before foreign leaders. Worse, the L.A. Four Seasons Hotel doesn’t even have a dedicated phone button for the Spa. You have to dial an extension! Where did we lose our way?!

It’s high time we restored America to the greatness it never lost!

Luckily, AMERICA AGAIN will singlebookedly pull this country back from the brink. It features everything from chapters, to page numbers, to fonts. Covering subject’s ranging from healthcare (“I shudder to think where we’d be without the wide variety of prescription drugs to treat our maladies, such as think-shuddering”) to the economy (“Life is giving us lemons, and we’re shipping them to the Chinese to make our lemon-flavored leadonade”) to food (“Feel free to deep fry this book-it’s a rich source of fiber”), Stephen gives America the dose of truth it needs to get back on track.”

(Thanks to Mariana312 for the Tip!)

Stephen Colbert’s “I Am A Pole (And So Can You!)” is set to be released on May 8th, 2012.

The book will be published by Grand Central Publishing, and will be available in hardcover, e-book and as an audio book.

(Thanks to Mariana312 for the Tip!)

So glad to know Stephen’s mom is tough as nails! Here is an opening screencap:

Comments, quotables and caps from the open:

I just can’t believe what some people thought about the show being suspended. The first thing I thought was that it was an emergency with Stephen’s mom, but then some of the fans thought maybe it was a fire in the studio or a family emergency of a different sort.

Why would they cancel the show over the Pope comment? It’s not like they have never insulted the Catholic church before. However, leave it to Joan Rivers to think the most ridiculous thing. I know she was just joking, but somehow I think deep down she really wanted it to be true. Also, she really does need to stop the plastic surgery. Just freaky looking.

I think the way Stephen handled the situation was perfect. He didn’t go on about his mom, as he wants to protect her privacy. He let the fans know what was going on, while humorously addressing all the public speculation.

"Confidential to a lovely lady"

Comments, quotables and caps from the Trump/Romney segment:

The first thing I thought when I saw the picture of Trump was, ‘that’s gotta be photoshopped’. Even the Donald wouldn’t go that nuts on the spray tan, but apparently I got schooled.

"Jimmy...Trump me!"

If trees are the right height in Michigan, then where are they the wrong height? You got a problem with the trees in Massachusetts, Mitt?

Comments, quotables and caps from the Santorum segment:

First of all, at that Santorum speech, why was the audience better miked than the candidate? The microphones go up front, people! He thinks that Obama’s energy policy goes against the Bible. He then had to clarify that the radical environmentalists want to destroy the earth and people like him think we need to be husbands…I guess, who knows what he meant?

“As good christians before drilling, we must marry mother Earth. Then we will be Earth’s husband, on top as God intended, fracking her good all night long until she can’t even spin straight.”

Then his bizarre notion that Satan only wants to attack the U.S.?

How is he leading in the polls? I don’t get it. He’s the worst possible choice for the nomination, but it is entertaining to see all the great “santorum” jokes. Stephen’s war on hell; flip around all the nuclear missiles so they point to the center of the earth.

Comments, quotables and caps from the guest segment:

Well, I have a couple bones to pick with Ann Patchett. First, ‘You’ve Got Mail’ was not during the ’80′s. Secondly, she sells Google ebooks on her bookstore’s website. Isn’t that kinda contradictory to her mission?

I do like that she offered to have Stephen’s book signing there and I think he would definitely like to be signing at a bookstore not a warehouse. She also seems to be a fan of the show as she rattled off friends of the show Jack White, Al Gore and The Goat Rodeo, which I’m assuming is Yo-Yo Ma. Now that we know his books are coming out in May and October, maybe we will get some footage from Tennessee.

Twitter: @heyitsopus
Instagram: heyitsopus

Congratualtions to the Writers of “The Colbert Report” who have been awarded The 64th Annual Writers Guild Award for “Comedy / Variety (Including Talk) Series”.


COMEDY / VARIETY – (INCLUDING TALK) SERIES

Conan, Writers: Jose Arroyo, Andres du Bouchet, Deon Cole, Josh Comers, Dan Cronin, Michael Gordon, Berkley Johnson, Brian Kiley, Laurie Kilmartin, Rob Kutner, Todd Levin, Brian McCann, Conan O’Brien, Matt O’Brien, Jesse Popp, Andy Richter, Frank Smiley, Brian Stack, Mike Sweeney; TBS

Jon Benjamin Has a Van, Writers: Leo Allen, Jon Benjamin; Comedy Central
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Head Writer: AD Miles, Writers: David Angelo, Patrick Borelli, Gerard Bradford, Jeremy Bronson, Mike DiCenzo, Jimmy Fallon, John Haskell, Eric Ledgin, Dan Opsal, Amy Ozols, Gavin Purcell, Diallo Riddle, Jon Rineman, Bashir Salahuddin, Justin Shanes, Michael Shoemaker, Jen Statsky, CJ Toledano; NBC

Real Time with Bill Maher, Writers: Scott Carter, Adam Felber, Matt Gunn, Brian Jacobsmeyer, Jay Jaroch, Chris Kelly, Bill Maher, Billy Martin, Amani Redd; HBO

Saturday Night Live, Head Writer: Seth Meyers, Writers: Doug Abeles, James Anderson, Alex Baze, Heather Anne Campbell, Matt Craig, Jessica Conrad, James Downey, Tom Flanigan, Shelly Gossman, Steve Higgins, Colin Jost, Zach Kanin, Chris Kelly, Erik Kenward, Rob Klein, Jonathan Krisel, Lorne Michaels, John Mulaney, Christine Nangle, Michael Patrick O’Brien, Paula Pell, Simon Rich, Marika Sawyer, Akiva Schaffer, Sarah Schneider, Pete Schultz, John Solomon, Kent Sublette, Jorma Taccone, Bryan Tucker; NBC

*WINNER: The Colbert Report, Writers: Michael Brumm, Stephen Colbert, Rich Dahm, Paul Dinello, Eric Drysdale, Rob Dubbin, Glenn Eichler, Dan Guterman, Peter Gwinn, Jay Katsir, Barry Julien, Frank Lesser, Opus Moreschi, Tom Purcell, Meredith Scardino, Scott Sherman, Max Werner; Comedy Central

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Writers: Rory Albanese, Kevin Bleyer, Richard Blomquist, Steve Bodow, Tim Carvell, Wyatt Cenac, Hallie Haglund, J.R. Havlan, Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, Sam Means, Jo Miller, John Oliver, Zhubin Parang, Daniel Radosh, Jason Ross, Jon Stewart; Comedy Central

Full List of Winners: Writers Guild of America.