October 7, 2015 – Gina Rodriguez, Ben Bernanke, Tame Impala

Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 22 (Wednesday, October 7, 2015)
GUESTS: Gina Rodriguez | Ben Bernanke | Tame Impala
SEGMENTS: Monologue | What Does Jeb Say? | The Furry Hat Speaks Again | Gina Rodriguez | Warning: This Footage May Disturb All Humans | Ben Bernanke | Tame Impala – “The Less I Know The Better”
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie

Monologue

Greetings and salutations, Hubsters! I hope you enjoyed this hump-day episode. Jeb! Bush made an abhorrent remark about the recent tragedy in Oregon. It is not surprising, because GUNS. Stephen gave us a second installment of The Furry Hat. Heed the rules of The Furry Hat, Nation! Stephen sits down with the enchanting actress, Gina Rodriguez. In a segment reminiscent of The Colbert Report’s “Cheating Death,” we were treated to a peek of a hilariously repugnant new surgically-assisted weight-loss system. The ick factor is strong! Stephen gets series with economist, Ben Bernanke, about the debacle that was the 2008 economic crisis. Aussie rock band, Tame Impala, closes the show with a magnificent performance. I have waxed poetic long enough! Enjoy your Episode Guide.

Stephen ran out onto stage bringing the joy with him as Jon Batiste played the tambourine. There was alarming news from Silicone Valley today. Google’s parent company dropped the slogan “Don’t Be Evil.” Stephen is disturbed not only because that was their slogan to begin with, but also because they decided that they don’t need to use it anymore. Chilling! Stephen compared it to Moses dropping one of The Ten Commandments, namely the 9th. (Or possibly the 6th. In all of my years of Catholic school, I could never distinguish between the two!) In order to save humanity, Stephen is calling on everyone to abandon technology. But not so fast! If you are watching the Late Show online, that is okay with him. Personally, I hope he approves of a certain person blogging this episode online!

  • Last night, ESPN’s Jessica Mendoza became the first ever to announce a nationally televised baseball game, proving once and for all that women are just as capable as man at staying awake for nine innings.

What Does Jeb Say?

Over the weekend Jeb! Bush made disparaging remarks about the tragic shooting in Roseburg, Oregon. As a Republican, Jeb! is excessively downplaying the the need for gun restrictions.

Jeb Bush: It’s very sad to see, but I resist the notion … and I did … I had this challenge as governor … ’cause we had … Look, stuff happens.

  • Now, in the face of tragedy, the phrase “stuff happens” seems a bit cavalier and I believe it would be a bold choice at a funeral.
Stephen Colbert Stuff Happens

I’m so sorry for your loss and I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, stuff happens.

  • The point is, Jeb Bush clearly has all the advantages that a candidate could want and should be doing way better. But when he says things like that after 142 school shootings since Sandy Hook, it sounds like he’s got – how can I put this delicately? – stuff for brains.

The Furry Hat Speaks Again

All hail the furry hat! Just like the first installment of this segment, the second installment are laws that The Nation must obey. I can get behind everyone of these.

Stephen Colbert wearing the hat

Now that this hat is upon my head I am endowed with unquestionable power. This is due to my hat’s main attributes: Its bigness and its furriness. Any proclamations I make while wearing it are now and forever law. Let us begin

  • Henceforth, if you are in coach and you are dressed better than someone sitting in first class, you get their seat in first class.
  • Any child picked last at kickball gets to kick the picker in the balls.
  • Any models who brag in a magazine that they can eat whatever they want will be forced to eat that magazine.
  • If you are a goth and someone catches you smiling you have to be a cheerleader for one football game.
  • From this day forward, if a preview for a movie looks good, the movie itself must be good. And the song from the trailer must be in the movie.
  • From now on, the horse from the song ‘A Horse With No Name’ is named Gary the Horse.
  • Clowns may watch only other clowns for entertainment if they think clowns are so damn funny.
  • Any middle-aged man driving a sports car must display a bumper sticker the exact length of his penis.
  • This year’s most popular boat names shall be switched with this year’s most popular baby names. Boats shall be named Kaylen and baby girls will be named Easy Breezin’.
  • Candy Corn is now legally corn.
  • Now that they have merged, Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. shall be united together under one name: Hard Carl’s.
  • Henceforth, those who correct you when you say “Frankenstein” instead of “Frankenstein’s Monster” shall have bolts inserted into their neck and be chased by torch-welding villagers.
  • Pizza-cheese mouth burns are an acceptable reason to stay home from work.

Interview – Gina Rodriguez

Gina Rodriguez on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Gina Rodriguez was quite a delight with an effervescent personality. She has a very positive outlook on life. She discussed her role on Jane the Virgin and her Golden Globe win. Gina’s father was a well known boxing referee. Gina is a boxer herself. I have a rather extensive knowledge of Stephen, but I had no idea that he boxes, too. Perhaps some other Hubsters already knew that Stephen boxes. (You know who you are! Spill it in the comment section!) Stephen and Gina decided to have a sparing match sometime in the future. I’d love to see that!

Colbert: One of the things I liked about your Golden Globe speech is that you quoted your father. You said, “I can and I will.”
Rodriguez: Today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will.
Colbert: Today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will. What did your father mean? What does that mean to you?
Rodriguez: I mean, when I was 15 years-old and he was forcing me to say it before I went to high school and like he’d pull down the mirror in front of my seat – the passenger seat – he’d be like, “Say it.” And I’d be like, “Dad, come on.” “Say it.” “Today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will. Well, got it. Love you.” And now I feel so empowered by that, because the truth is, I get to decide what my day is gonna be. And I also don’t allow for any interruption or negativity to touch that. You know? So, today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will. And if it didn’t happen today, I’ll make sure I’ll try for it tomorrow. And if not, the next day or the next week or the next month, but there’s no timeline. God willing, I have tomorrow. There’s no timeline. There’s no stopping me.
Colbert: Gina, can I join your cult?
Rodriguez: You can.

Warning: This Footage May Disturb All Humans

That title is no joke, folks! The following segment is not for the squeamish. Hold back your gag reflexes. Apparently, there is a new surgically-assisted weight-loss system called Aspire Assist. I’ll let the lady from the video explain it all. Take it away, lady!

The Aspire Assist works by removing a portion of the food from the stomach through a tube before it is absorbed. Your doctor will insert a needle through your skin into your stomach. After a meal, food travels to the stomach where it is temporarily stored and digestion begins. When the lever is rotated, stomach contents begin to empty into the toilet.

Stephen Colbert on Aspire Assist

I’m sorry. I forgot to put in the warning before that footage. I should have said, “Warning: This footage may disturb people … just people.”

  • But surprisingly, there is one major downside to the Aspire Assist. According to one patient, “You have to be willing to chew your food.”
  • What?! What?! C’mon! Chew my food?! But that will waste valuable time I could be eating!

Fear not, Nation. Stephen has created his own surgically-assisted diet product. It’s called “Stephen Colbert’s Esophagorge.” Finally, all of our weight-loss problems are solved. I’ll let Stephen explain how it works.

  • First, our Esophagorge nutri-surgeons cut a hole in the base of your skull the size of a Nobel Prize for medicine, giving your food a direct channel from the opening of your mouth out the back of your head. And don’t worry about making a mess, because the Esophagorge also comes with a convenient neck hopper. It’s the latest in barber shop sink technology, with the added comfort of carrying it around all the time.

Interview – Ben Bernanke

Ben Bernanke on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Stephen discussed the 2008 economic implosion with Ben Bernanke and the book he wrote about it. Stephen asked Bernanke, “What is money?” To which, Bernanke took out his wallet and jokingly handed Stephen $20, which Stephen promptly pocketed. They talked about the 2008 housing bubble and sub-prime mortgages. Bernanke and the markets knew a year in advance that the economic devastation was coming. Stephen made a point to say that the rest of the country – us regular folks – did not know what was to come.

Colbert: You said that if you guys hadn’t acted – if you hadn’t offered the banks some liquidity – somewhere they could begin trading – lending to each other again – the devastation would have been unimaginable. I can imagine a lot, because honestly, at the time, I was imagining people camping in my backyard. And I’m not joking. It was really panicky.
Bernanke: I imagined it, too.
Colbert: Okay, so what’s the unimaginable thing?
Bernanke: I mean, I don’t think it was unimaginable, because we’ve seen The Great Depression. That was the 1930s. This was my personal area of expertise when I was a professor. I studied The Great Depression. I studied financial panics. I studied economic history. And I said to myself, “This looks an awful lot like 1929.”
Colbert: Did that make you excited? Is that like a fireman going, “Something’s on fire! Get the hose!”

Tame Impala – “The Less I Know The Better”

Tame Impala on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

That’s all for this episode, Hubsters! What did you think? As always, The Hub welcomes you to divulge in the comment section!

  • sharilyn_j

    Positive thing first? When the old show was ending, I did an interview with another website and said that Cheating Death would feel perfectly at home as a desk bit in a traditional talk show format. I think he proved me right with Esophagorge. So gross, so silly, so perfect. All we were missing was a list of side effects.

    On the flipside… My kingdom for anyone who can convince me that the furry hat bit belongs on this show. Or, as one of my friends has coined it, In The Hat 2000 (sorry, Stack). Aside from being derivative, I just don’t think the jokes are there. Many of the premises feel better suited for a 22 year old’s first standup set (skinny supermodels are annoying, right guys?) tagged with a half-joke to confirm that we all think the subject is universally dumb. And indeed, the audience isn’t laughing nearly as much as they are just cheering. “Clapter.” I totally understand and support the idea of having a recurring, refillable bit like this, but I wish they’d choose another structure.

    (Knowing that a lot of people love this bit, though… sway me?)

    • DeeCee

      I totally agree about the furry hat. I actually went to sleep when I saw that segment come on because I didn’t think it was very funny (or suited to this show) the first time around. And although I love the non-traditional guests, I was really tired and decided that I didn’t need to stay up to see Ben Bernanke push his book.

    • Sharilyn, I don’t know if you are swayable! But sway with me for a moment! I love how you always keep the conversations fresh and fierce. I love the furry hat segment! You are excellent at explaining why something is funny. That is your part of your job, after all. For me, if something makes me laugh, I can’t always explain why. I can compare it to music. I can’t explain why I love a certain song. I just do. So, the furry hat segment cracks me up! It’s just completely silly! The jokes might not be that deep, but I can really relate to them.

      “Any child picked last at kickball gets to kick the picker in the balls.” Okay, now tell me you haven’t wanted to do that! Have I swayed you even an inch?!

      • sharilyn_j

        Sway away! 😉

        “Funny” is of course subjective, but watch that piece over again and take note of how many people are actually laughing vs. cheering. I love not-deep jokes — silliness is my jam. This just seems less like silly jokes and more like low-hanging fruit. (And there was one last night that disappointed me on a personal level, a story for another time, but I promise I disliked the bit just as much the first go ’round.)

        All that said, if people are clamouring for more of these, I have absolutely no grounds to argue.

        • Can we sway to “Heaven, I’m in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly breathe…” Totally platonic!

          • sharilyn_j

            Deal!

      • K.V. Lady

        I loved the furry hat, too!

    • Gina

      I think part of the reason for the hat bit is that Stephen has been obsessed with stories of Genghis Khan from the Hardcore History podcasts, as he was talking about in his *own* podcast, so he likes the idea of pontificating from an enormous hat. I feel like it’s an honest way of reincarnating Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger in a non-conservative character way.

      I think it’s a light, easy, non-desk bit and the jokes are still pretty funny. Not everything has to be guffaw-worthy to be, well, worthy.

  • Gina

    I have to give massive props to my fellow Gina-ian (who is also a fellow native Chicagoan, extra props) for a really great interview and inspiring message. I will try to remember “I can and I will.” Her Dad sounded so cool. They better do that boxing match, it will be so cute. I had no idea Stephen liked boxing (we are learning about him from this show, right?)

    I loved the McCarthy piece, and it definitely reminds me of the Report days when Stephen would be educating me about something happening in the news while making me cringe at the same time. I guess the only (and healthier) difference is that Stephen doesn’t have to pretend to like the stupid thing that’s happening. And apparently McCarthy recused himself for the running, so Late Show team, on behalf of sanity in the American political process, I thank you.

    And the health segment! Very Cheating Death (O, I have missed thee!) I had heard about that awful device from a investigative series on Al Jazeera America. I guess for some morbidly obese or chronic over-eaters, it might be helpful, but still *heebee jeebees*

    • I love Ginas from Chicago. 😉 So, I’m not the only one who didn’t know that Stephen boxes? I wrote above in the Guide that someone probably knew, but if you didn’t and Sharilyn didn’t comment about it, then it’s safe to say that this is new Stephen news!

      • Roseha

        I was really surprised to hear Stephen say he boxes, especially since he has said, hasn’t he, that he isn’t into sports at all? In fact I was a little surprised that he brought up the Chicago Cubs going to the playoffs. However, maybe boxing was part of his training as a theater major? Just a guess.
        The interview with Gina Rodriguez was indeed delightful. And yes, I had to look away from the Esophagorge pictures! (and the ones from the real life device!) It does look like Cheating Death lives on!

        • I do recall Stephen saying that he was really into The Bulls when he lived in Chicago, because it was during the time of Michael Jordan and their three-peat reign. But I am so surprised that he boxes!

          I am also glad that Stephen called out Jeb for his idiotic comments on the tragedy in Oregon. He is heartless.