EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 22 (Wednesday, October 7, 2015)
GUESTS: Gina Rodriguez | Ben Bernanke | Tame Impala
SEGMENTS: Monologue | What Does Jeb Say? | The Furry Hat Speaks Again | Gina Rodriguez | Warning: This Footage May Disturb All Humans | Ben Bernanke | Tame Impala – “The Less I Know The Better”
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie
Greetings and salutations, Hubsters! I hope you enjoyed this hump-day episode. Jeb! Bush made an abhorrent remark about the recent tragedy in Oregon. It is not surprising, because GUNS. Stephen gave us a second installment of The Furry Hat. Heed the rules of The Furry Hat, Nation! Stephen sits down with the enchanting actress, Gina Rodriguez. In a segment reminiscent of The Colbert Report’s “Cheating Death,” we were treated to a peek of a hilariously repugnant new surgically-assisted weight-loss system. The ick factor is strong! Stephen gets series with economist, Ben Bernanke, about the debacle that was the 2008 economic crisis. Aussie rock band, Tame Impala, closes the show with a magnificent performance. I have waxed poetic long enough! Enjoy your Episode Guide.
Stephen ran out onto stage bringing the joy with him as Jon Batiste played the tambourine. There was alarming news from Silicone Valley today. Google’s parent company dropped the slogan “Don’t Be Evil.” Stephen is disturbed not only because that was their slogan to begin with, but also because they decided that they don’t need to use it anymore. Chilling! Stephen compared it to Moses dropping one of The Ten Commandments, namely the 9th. (Or possibly the 6th. In all of my years of Catholic school, I could never distinguish between the two!) In order to save humanity, Stephen is calling on everyone to abandon technology. But not so fast! If you are watching the Late Show online, that is okay with him. Personally, I hope he approves of a certain person blogging this episode online!
- Last night, ESPN’s Jessica Mendoza became the first ever to announce a nationally televised baseball game, proving once and for all that women are just as capable as man at staying awake for nine innings.
What Does Jeb Say?
Over the weekend Jeb! Bush made disparaging remarks about the tragic shooting in Roseburg, Oregon. As a Republican, Jeb! is excessively downplaying the the need for gun restrictions.
Jeb Bush: It’s very sad to see, but I resist the notion … and I did … I had this challenge as governor … ’cause we had … Look, stuff happens.
- Now, in the face of tragedy, the phrase “stuff happens” seems a bit cavalier and I believe it would be a bold choice at a funeral.
- The point is, Jeb Bush clearly has all the advantages that a candidate could want and should be doing way better. But when he says things like that after 142 school shootings since Sandy Hook, it sounds like he’s got – how can I put this delicately? – stuff for brains.
The Furry Hat Speaks Again
All hail the furry hat! Just like the first installment of this segment, the second installment are laws that The Nation must obey. I can get behind everyone of these.
- Henceforth, if you are in coach and you are dressed better than someone sitting in first class, you get their seat in first class.
- Any child picked last at kickball gets to kick the picker in the balls.
- Any models who brag in a magazine that they can eat whatever they want will be forced to eat that magazine.
- If you are a goth and someone catches you smiling you have to be a cheerleader for one football game.
- From this day forward, if a preview for a movie looks good, the movie itself must be good. And the song from the trailer must be in the movie.
- From now on, the horse from the song ‘A Horse With No Name’ is named Gary the Horse.
- Clowns may watch only other clowns for entertainment if they think clowns are so damn funny.
- Any middle-aged man driving a sports car must display a bumper sticker the exact length of his penis.
- This year’s most popular boat names shall be switched with this year’s most popular baby names. Boats shall be named Kaylen and baby girls will be named Easy Breezin’.
- Candy Corn is now legally corn.
- Now that they have merged, Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. shall be united together under one name: Hard Carl’s.
- Henceforth, those who correct you when you say “Frankenstein” instead of “Frankenstein’s Monster” shall have bolts inserted into their neck and be chased by torch-welding villagers.
- Pizza-cheese mouth burns are an acceptable reason to stay home from work.
Interview – Gina Rodriguez
Gina Rodriguez was quite a delight with an effervescent personality. She has a very positive outlook on life. She discussed her role on Jane the Virgin and her Golden Globe win. Gina’s father was a well known boxing referee. Gina is a boxer herself. I have a rather extensive knowledge of Stephen, but I had no idea that he boxes, too. Perhaps some other Hubsters already knew that Stephen boxes. (You know who you are! Spill it in the comment section!) Stephen and Gina decided to have a sparing match sometime in the future. I’d love to see that!
Colbert: One of the things I liked about your Golden Globe speech is that you quoted your father. You said, “I can and I will.”
Rodriguez: Today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will.
Colbert: Today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will. What did your father mean? What does that mean to you?
Rodriguez: I mean, when I was 15 years-old and he was forcing me to say it before I went to high school and like he’d pull down the mirror in front of my seat – the passenger seat – he’d be like, “Say it.” And I’d be like, “Dad, come on.” “Say it.” “Today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will. Well, got it. Love you.” And now I feel so empowered by that, because the truth is, I get to decide what my day is gonna be. And I also don’t allow for any interruption or negativity to touch that. You know? So, today’s gonna be a great day. I can and I will. And if it didn’t happen today, I’ll make sure I’ll try for it tomorrow. And if not, the next day or the next week or the next month, but there’s no timeline. God willing, I have tomorrow. There’s no timeline. There’s no stopping me.
Colbert: Gina, can I join your cult?
Rodriguez: You can.
Warning: This Footage May Disturb All Humans
That title is no joke, folks! The following segment is not for the squeamish. Hold back your gag reflexes. Apparently, there is a new surgically-assisted weight-loss system called Aspire Assist. I’ll let the lady from the video explain it all. Take it away, lady!
The Aspire Assist works by removing a portion of the food from the stomach through a tube before it is absorbed. Your doctor will insert a needle through your skin into your stomach. After a meal, food travels to the stomach where it is temporarily stored and digestion begins. When the lever is rotated, stomach contents begin to empty into the toilet.
- But surprisingly, there is one major downside to the Aspire Assist. According to one patient, “You have to be willing to chew your food.”
- What?! What?! C’mon! Chew my food?! But that will waste valuable time I could be eating!
Fear not, Nation. Stephen has created his own surgically-assisted diet product. It’s called “Stephen Colbert’s Esophagorge.” Finally, all of our weight-loss problems are solved. I’ll let Stephen explain how it works.
- First, our Esophagorge nutri-surgeons cut a hole in the base of your skull the size of a Nobel Prize for medicine, giving your food a direct channel from the opening of your mouth out the back of your head. And don’t worry about making a mess, because the Esophagorge also comes with a convenient neck hopper. It’s the latest in barber shop sink technology, with the added comfort of carrying it around all the time.
Interview – Ben Bernanke
Stephen discussed the 2008 economic implosion with Ben Bernanke and the book he wrote about it. Stephen asked Bernanke, “What is money?” To which, Bernanke took out his wallet and jokingly handed Stephen $20, which Stephen promptly pocketed. They talked about the 2008 housing bubble and sub-prime mortgages. Bernanke and the markets knew a year in advance that the economic devastation was coming. Stephen made a point to say that the rest of the country – us regular folks – did not know what was to come.
Colbert: You said that if you guys hadn’t acted – if you hadn’t offered the banks some liquidity – somewhere they could begin trading – lending to each other again – the devastation would have been unimaginable. I can imagine a lot, because honestly, at the time, I was imagining people camping in my backyard. And I’m not joking. It was really panicky.
Bernanke: I imagined it, too.
Colbert: Okay, so what’s the unimaginable thing?
Bernanke: I mean, I don’t think it was unimaginable, because we’ve seen The Great Depression. That was the 1930s. This was my personal area of expertise when I was a professor. I studied The Great Depression. I studied financial panics. I studied economic history. And I said to myself, “This looks an awful lot like 1929.”
Colbert: Did that make you excited? Is that like a fireman going, “Something’s on fire! Get the hose!”
Tame Impala – “The Less I Know The Better”
That’s all for this episode, Hubsters! What did you think? As always, The Hub welcomes you to divulge in the comment section!